Barbra Streisand
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- Yet again, we apologize for using such an obscenity as B****a S*******d. We cannot help this, as her mother decided to ruin her life by giving her such a horribly offensive name.
“And you people blame me for what I've done, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Barbra Streisand
“No, thank you.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Barbra Streisand
“OHH GOD NO!”
~ Satan on Barbra Streisand
“Like buttah.”
~ Linda Richman on Barbra Streisand
Barbra Streisand (or Barbed Wire) was born in a flying car (much like the one in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, except with a stereo) hovering over Tucson, Arizona in 1274. Her mother died giving birth to her when the baby's enormous 375-foot nose impaled her, but not before cutting her poor son's foreskin off and letting a mohel suck it. She ranks just below streetwalker in the JT Oppenheimer Guide to Getting Ugly Women To Suck You.
(The ACLU won a court case to force the editor of this article to acknowledge the following:
Please note: This may wrongly imply that she has a nose that measures 375 standard feet. She doesn't. She has a nose with 375 actual feet dangling from it.)
Contents |
[edit] Physiology
Barbra, or "Babs" to her closest friends, in addition to having the longest nose on record, has a singing range of about 70 octaves, well beyond human hearing range. Thus, her earliest records are most popular amongst dogs, especially gay male dogs. It has been said that her voice, at its peak loudness, could theoretically destroy all buildings in a radius of 246.7 square miles.
Barbra is descended from an ancient race of horses known as termites. The termites were once a mighty and powerful warrior race of predators which were created by Matt Groening and Unitinu. Over the millenia, these termites devastated the earth and were at one point the last multicellular organisms in existence. They thawed out humans and mated with Barbara Walters to produce Tom Brokaw. Brokaw became intoxicated with highly poisonous marijuana and consequently died of quicksilver poisoning but not before he begat the entire human race around 100000 BC. As humans evolved, they died off and created humans and mutant humans. However, humans decided that they should live and started to fight the mutant humans. Once the mutant humans were killed off, life continued.
A few mutant humans survived, and in -273.15 AD, Chinese alchemists thawed Barbra from the ice. She was the final survivor of the proto-postmutant race (as in, the early successors of the mutants) and applied for a job at ABC. Interviewers were baffled at the size of her specialized nasal cavity which had evolved during the mutant humans' conquest to sniff out cocaine deposits in subterranean Moroccan caves. Since it would have been discrimination to hire her, the HR department solemnly decided to hire her as a nose anchor.
[edit] Fame
As noted by Lando Calrissian in one of the chapter introductions in his famous programming book, Learn Jabba in 21 days, Barbra was interviewed as an E! Exclusive star. During the 1950s, she was purportedly auditioning to be the fifth Chipmunk in the 1959 LP release, "Strung Up Gonads." At the time, the four chipmunks were actually balding human male crooners singing in largo tempo and sped up about 200% on tape. However, shortly after the recording session, the chipmunks were attacked by Muslims yielding a magic genie bottle. The Muslims told the chipmunks to rub one out and make a wish and then uncorked the genie bottle. Thin green smoke emerged from the bottle, and the Muslims and chipmunks died from nerve gas poisoning. (The WMDs were really hidden inside a shipment of toy genie bottles destined for the USA, but they were "lost" by the fudgepacking USPS and are probably still sitting on a truck that ran off the side of the road, just waiting to be uncovered by an escaped post-apocalyptic Kevin Costner lookalike.) As the chipmunks were dead and due to it being impossible to slow down the tape because Keanu Reeves was the studio assistant (idiot was recording at 55ips!!) and screamed that the studio would explode if he did, Barbra was hired to impersonate the chipmunks with a voice not to have any spectral components below 3kHz.
Doctors broke open a bunch of gas lasers and forced Barbra to huff a combination of helium and neon gasses. She breathed enough in three days to surpass eight large black men in the amount of gas that could be possibly expelled. In doing so, she gained a super-variable voice which allowed her to shatter glass and create any frequency that she wanted, finally forcing her to accept the nickname "White Noise." She in fact could sing around 50kHz and played air traffic controller with the bats. Due to her bizarre sense of humor, she would host dinner parties late at night and direct the bats--some actually rabid--to attack her guests. This earned her the apt name of "Bat Girl" and started her three-season stint with Adam West. When the bats learned of what was going on, they got up really early to surprise her(if you ever see a bat during the daytime, it is rabid) and headed down to her typical dive bar hangout and attacked her, leaving only bones.
[edit] Origin
Following World War I, post-war Germany was in dire need of economical strength. That strength came with a nose, and boy was that a big nose, from this wench... The baby Mecha-Streisand used magic spells to change into the mythical cockroach Barbra. Something went wrong.
[edit] Her songs
ARE GAY, LOUD AND PROUD! They also have a wide variety of effects on people, from Out-of-Body Experiences to internal hemorrhages.
[edit] Her nose
“Is big”
[edit] Her taste in underwear
“Is unknown...”
[edit] She Wishes
...that she could give herself a nosejob, otherwise known as autoscalpelatio.
[edit] Political and Pornographic Career
Barbra is also known for her extremely conservative political views. She has campaigned heavily for George W. Bush and made a documentary attacking far-left cable network Fox News, The Fox and the Hound. Also, she is going to star in the new movie Terminator 4. She will play Cronos, a Baby eating Cat raping cyborg from 1984. The movie will be made by cellerfullofpopcicle in december of 2009.
Barbra achieved a high level of notoriety in 1982 when she published the book Sex, a collection of photography of her in sexually explicit positions involving her nose. Despite the controversy, it sold zero copies. This was also the year in which she developed Cecil's "Theory Of Beige" into the full "Neutral Spectrum Thereom", which details the methods for the creation of both Beige, Greenish-Grey, and Off-White.
Barbra is famous for being extremely modest, courteous, and gracious to fans. She wrote the script for the South Park episode Mecha-Streisand.
Because of their similar shapes, every time someone purchases a cucumber (whether for food or other purposes), Barbra receives a royalty.
[edit] Discography
- Bad Hair Day
- Bad Nose Day
- The official House M.D. soundtrack
- I Came from Hell to get Ass
- Howdy Y'all, The Name's Barbra
- Color Me With Your Crayons
- Sgt. Barbra's Lonely Hearts Club Band
- Pet Sounds
- Dusty in Memphis (named so because it was recorded during a particularly bad dust storm)
- You Don't Bring Me Flowers, Which is Good Because I Have Hay Fever
- Hotel Barbrafornia
- Barbra: The Barber's Opera (operatic concept album dealing with the depressing life of a barber)
- Fifty Million Barbra Fans Can Be Wrong
- Disco Streisand
- Just For the Record
- Just for the CD (recent re-issue of the classic album)
- Barbra's Butt Fills the Hollywood Bowl
- Songs about Barbra's Songs about Barbra
- Singing about Swinging to Songs about Barbra
- In the Wee Small Hours with Wee Small Barbra
- Songs for Swingin' Lovers Who Love Swingin' and Singin' with Barbra
- Babs Conducts Tone Poems of Color (with Nat King Cole)
- This Is Babs!!!!!
- Chainsaw Gutsfuck
- Barbra Feels So Close to Barbra Tonight
- A Swingin’ Affair When Barbra Has an Affair with Barbra
- Ten Drinks Later: What Fricken Town Am I In?
- A Charming Christmas with a Jewish Girl Singer
- Come Fly with Me, I've Had Nine Margaritas
- This Is Barbra's High Volume Singing, Volume 2
- Barbra Is Lonely and Sings for Lonely Barbra Who is Singing
- Barbra Is Dancing and Sings for Dancing Barbra Who is Singing
- Look in My Heart, It's Behind My Breasts
- No One Cares So I'm Going to Kill Myself
- Point of No Return, I'm Really Serious This Time It's Suicide
- Barbra Thinks of Things and Sings of Things
- Ring-A-Ding-Ding-Ding-Babsa-Babsa-Barbra
- Swing Along With Swinging Barbra Swinging
- Frank Sinatra Remembers Barbra but Doesn't Sing on This Record
- Barbra Breaks Barbra's Bra
- Barbra's Ass and Barbra's Brass
- All Alone with Barbra When She's Alone
- Barbra-Basie: The Count Bows before Queen Barbra
- The Corpse
- Barbra's Barbra In Barbra's Own Words about Barbra
- Barbra Sings the Academy Awards She Was Cheated Out Of
- Barbra, I Hear You Singing
- America, I Hear You Hearing Barbra
- It Might as Well Be Barbra (overdubbed with Barbra)
- Softly, As Barbra Dreams of Barbra
- Barbra at 85: Barbra the Singer Today
- September of My Barbra Years
- My Kind of Barbra
- Barbra and Her Music
- Moonlight Barbra
- Barbra Is a Stranger in Barbra's Night (with Frank Sinatra)
- Starting to Get Just a LITTLE Sick of Barbra
- That's Barbra's Life
- Simply Shut Up
- The Barbra That Nobody Knows
- The Barbra That Nobody Even Thinks about Knowing
- The Barbra That Even Barbra Doesn't Know
- The Barbra That It Turns out Barbra Knew All Along
- The Barbra That Nobody Ever Wanted to Know, Not Even Barbra
- Ah, Barbra!
- Barbra Wishes You a Gentile Barbra Easter
- Ol’ Barbra Eyes Is Back
- Some Nice & Loud Barbra Songs You've Missed from Barbra
- The Main Event – Barbra Live
- Trilogy: Barbra Barbra Barbra
- Barbra Shot Me Down
- Barbra Is Barbra's Lady Forever
- The Barbra Sessions
- The Barbra Collection
- The Barbra Years
- The Barbra Months
- The Barbra Fortnights
- The Barbra Weeks
- The Barbra Freaks
- Bi-Freakly Barbra
- Biweekly Barbra
- The Barbra Nights
- The Barbra Days
- Barbra Day Afternoon
- Minute by Minute with Barbra
- The Barbra Years 1492-2007: The Complete Recordings
- The Song Is Barbra
- The Complete Barbra Non-Studio Recordings
- The Complete Barbra Singles Collection
- The Best of the Barbra Years: 1066-2066
- Barbra in Hollywood: 1920-1978
- The Real Complete Barbra
- The Essential Barbra Even Though You're Throwing Up
- Emotion
- Devotion
- To Causing A Commotion
- Lotion
- Motion
- Potion
- Unction
- "Je Chiamo Barbr1,2,3,&4"
- Erosion
- Shitty Shitty Bang Bang: The Barbra Streisand Studio Recording
- I Love Pink Sweaters
- You're an Impoverished Queer if You Have All My Fucken Records
- The World's Greatest Hobo Songs
- Superman
- Lex Luthor
- Jimmy Olson
- Barbra Will Rock You, Rock You, Rock You
- Wet & Ready (Babs goes Neurotica..err... erotica! Smash hit, multiplatinum album in Magadascar)
- The Veil we Wear To Hide our Nose (a set of 12 heartbreaking ballads for big nostrils)
- Guilty
- Not Guilty
- Hung Jury
- Appeal (with Alan Dershowitz)
- Shriller
- The Sound of Me Eating
- One Voice, One Really, Really Loud Voice
- Baby Got Back
- Live at the Schenectady Burger King
- I Forgot to Wear Panties This Morning
- Something 4 My Niggaz
- Willenium
- The Real Slim Shady
- Streisand Sings Car Alarm Sirens
- Screw the Democrats
- I'm GUILTY for bringing Barry Gibb and myself back from the dead
- Bad Bad Bush
- I'm Not a Drag Queen: The Essential Barbra Streisand
- Alle Bar-Bra
- Barbra's Essential, Lovely, Truly, Madly, Completely, Crazy, Stupid, Slutty, Guilty, Greatest Hits
- Something To Get Your Groove On (also known as The Giggity-Giggity-Giggity-Giggity Concerto for Sonic Ecstasy)
- Your Name is Barbra - We Get it Already
- Crassical Barbra
[edit] Filmography
- Batman 13: Return of Nosetron
- I'm Barbra, Bitch!
- Make buttsecks, not war!
- Frankenstraisand
- Unfunny Girl (with Omar Sharif)
- Hello, Dali!
- Hello, Deli!
- Hello, Delhi! (Bollywood Studios)
- Hello, Dolly!
- On a Clear Day, You Can See My Nose Forever
- What's Up, Doc?
- You're Despicable
- I Tawt I Taw a Puddy Tat
- Funny Hermaphrodite
- Be Vewy Quiet, I'm Hunting Wabbits, Heh Heh Heh Heh
- Unfunny Lady
- Barbra Streisand and the Holy Grail
- Barbra Streisand's The Meaning of Life
- Night of the Living Streis
- Dawn of the Streis
- Day of the Streis
- Land of the Streis
- A Star is Born
- A Star Goes Supernova
- A Star Get Aborted
- Barbra Does Dallas
- Yentl Saves Christmas (also directed)
- "Yentl Gets a real sex change"
- The Prince of Clorox
- Barbra Streisand: Ancient (In Concert)
- One Night in Barbra
- The Mirror Has Two Faces, So One of Them Doesn't Have to Look at Your Ugly Mug
- Eat the Fockers
- Eat the Fockers 2 Electric Boogaloo
- Barbra whistles all her greatest hits through her abnormally large nose(contains silence)
- My Nose, I hardly knew ye!"
- Help! This Clam is Eating My Face!"
- You've Heard Too Much From Me Now
- Barbara Streisand's 36 Chambers of Death and Other Famous Wu-Tang Interpretations
(Note that her last effort consisted of 8 1/2 hours of a blank screen, but she did perform her own stunts)
[edit] See also
| Preceded by: Margrat Thatcher | Queen of Terror 2005-2007 | Succeeded by: Dolph Ziggler |
| Four Letter-Words |
|---|
| The A Word • The B Word • The BS Word • The C Word • The D Word • The E Word • The F Word • The G Word • The H Word • The I Word • The J Words • The K Words • The L Word • The M Word • The MF Word • The N Word • The Ñ Word • The O Word • The P Word • The Q Word • The R Word • The S Word • The T Word • The U Word • The V Word • The W Word • The X Word • The Y Word • The Z Word |
