Barbra Streisand
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- Yet again, we apologize for using such an obscenity as B****a S*******d. We cannot help this, as her mother decided to ruin her life by giving her such a horribly offensive name.
“And you people blame for what I've done, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Barbra Streisand
“No, thank you.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Barbra Streisand
“OHH GOD NO!”
~ Satan on Barvra Streisand
“Like buttah.”
~ Linda Richman on Barbra Streisand
Barbra Streisand (or Barbed Wire) was born in a flying car (much like the one in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, except with a stereo) hovering over Tucson, Arizona in 1274. Her mother died giving birth to her when the baby's enormous 375-foot nose impaled her, but not before cutting her poor son's foreskin off and letting a mohel suck it. She ranks just below streetwalker in the JT Oppenheimer Guide to Getting Ugly Women To Suck You.
(The ACLU won a court case to force the editor of this article to acknowledge the following:
Please note: This may wrongly imply that she has a nose that measures 375 standard feet. She doesn't. She has a nose with 375 actual feet dangling from it.)
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[edit] Physiology
Barbra, or "Babs" to her closest friends, in addition to having the longest nose on record, has a singing range of about 70 octaves, well beyond human hearing range. Thus, her earliest records are most popular amongst dogs, especially gay male dogs. It has been said that her voice, at its peak loudness, could theoretically destroy all buildings in a radius of 246.7 square miles.
Barbra is descended from an ancient race of horses known as termites. The termites were once a mighty and powerful warrior race of predators which were created by Matt Groening and Unitinu. Over the millenia, these termites devastated the earth and were at one point the last multicellular organisms in existence. They thawed out humans and mated with Barbara Walters to produce Tom Brokaw. Brokaw became intoxicated with highly poisonous marijuana and consequently died of quicksilver poisoning but not before he begat the entire human race around 100000 BC. As humans evolved, they died off and created humans and mutant humans. However, humans decided that they should live and started to fight the mutant humans. Once the mutant humans were killed off, life continued.
A few mutant humans survived, and in -273.15 AD, Chinese alchemists thawed Barbra from the ice. She was the final survivor of the proto-postmutant race (as in, the early successors of the mutants) and applied for a job at ABC. Interviewers were baffled at the size of her specialized nasal cavity which had evolved during the mutant humans' conquest to sniff out cocaine deposits in subterranean Moroccan caves. Since it would have been discrimination to hire her, the HR department solemnly decided to hire her as a nose anchor.
[edit] Fame
As noted by Lando Calrissian in one of the chapter introductions in his famous programming book, Learn Jabba in 21 days, Barbra was interviewed as an E! Exclusive star. During the 1950s, she was purportedly auditioning to be the fifth Chipmunk in the 1959 LP release, "Strung Up Gonads." At the time, the four chipmunks were actually balding human male crooners singing in largo tempo and sped up about 200% on tape. However, shortly after the recording session, the chipmunks were attacked by Muslims yielding a magic genie bottle. The Muslims told the chipmunks to rub one out and make a wish and then uncorked the genie bottle. Thin green smoke emerged from the bottle, and the Muslims and chipmunks died from nerve gas poisoning. (The WMDs were really hidden inside a shipment of toy genie bottles destined for the USA, but they were "lost" by the fudgepacking USPS and are probably still sitting on a truck that ran off the side of the road, just waiting to be uncovered by an escaped post-apocalyptic Kevin Costner lookalike.) As the chipmunks were dead and due to it being impossible to slow down the tape because Keanu Reeves was the studio assistant (idiot was recording at 55ips!!) and screamed that the studio would explode if he did, Barbra was hired to impersonate the chipmunks with a voice not to have any spectral components below 3kHz.
Doctors broke open a bunch of gas lasers and forced Barbra to huff a combination of helium and neon gasses. She breathed enough in three days to surpass eight large black men in the amount of gas that could be possibly expelled. In doing so, she gained a super-variable voice which allowed her to shatter glass and create any frequency that she wanted, finally forcing her to accept the nickname "White Noise." She in fact could sing around 50kHz and played air traffic controller with the bats. Due to her bizarre sense of humor, she would host dinner parties late at night and direct the bats--some actually rabid--to attack her guests. This earned her the apt name of "Bat Girl" and started her three-season stint with Adam West. When the bats learned of what was going on, they got up really early to surprise her(if you ever see a bat during the daytime, it is rabid) and headed down to her typical dive bar hangout and attacked her, leaving only bones.
[edit] Origin
Following World War I, post-war Germany was in dire need of economical strength. That strength came with a nose, and boy was that a big nose, from this wench...
[edit] Her songs
ARE GAY, LOUD AND PROUD! They also have a wide variety of effects on people, from Out-of-Body Experiences to internal hemorrhages.
[edit] Her nose
“Is big”
[edit] Her taste in underwear
“Is unknown...”
[edit] She Wishes
...that she could give herself a nosejob, otherwise known as autoscalpelatio.
[edit] Political and Pornographic Career
Barbra is also known for her extremely conservative political views. She has campaigned heavily for George W. Bush and made a documentary attacking far-left cable network Fox News, The Fox and the Hound. Also, she is going to star in the new movie Terminator 4. She will play Cronos, a Baby eating Cat raping cyborg from 1984. The movie will be made by cellerfullofpopcicle in december of 2009.
Barbra achieved a high level of notoriety in 1982 when she published the book Sex, a collection of photography of her in sexually explicit positions involving her nose. Despite the controversy, it sold zero copies. This was also the year in which she developed Cecil's "Theory Of Beige" into the full "Neutral Spectrum Thereom", which details the methods for the creation of both Beige, Greenish-Grey, and Off-White.
Barbra is famous for being extremely modest, courteous, and gracious to fans.
Because of their similar shapes, every time someone purchases a cucumber (whether for food or other purposes), Barbra receives a royalty.
[edit] See also
| Preceded by: Margrat Thatcher | Queen of Terror 2005-2007 | Succeeded by: Dolph Ziggler |
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