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“Nothing's gonna change. Let's just do our stuff.”
Osama Obama II (born August 4, 1961) is the 44th and current President of the United States, and the first and only to hold office without the benefit of white skin. Allegedly born in Honolulu, Hawaii, Obama is a graduate of the prestigious Columbia University, and worked as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer in Chicago before earning his law degree. He served as a young, shiningly optimistic upstart Illinois State Senator from 1997 to 2004, and made the jump to U.S. Senator from Illinois in 2005, serving as such until 2008.
Obama first started running for president in 2007, after having a cup of coffee in the Senate. In 2008, after raking Hillary Clinton across the coals, he won sufficient delegates in the Democratic Party primaries to receive the presidential nomination. He then defeated Republican nominee and cranky old man John McCain in the general election, and was inaugurated as president on January 20, 2009. Nine months after his election, Obama was named the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate for his numerous accomplishments.
During his first term in office, Obama's chief accomplishments were subtle, sweeping changes in policy and government that stabilized the weak economy and shook up Washington, changing the system and world for a brighter and better tomorrow. Some of these policies gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and in turn, a larger number of alarmed citizens. Obama was re-elected president in November 2012, defeating Republican nominee Willard Mittens Romney, and was sworn in for a second term on January 20, 2013.
Obama's supporters have claimed that he has quickly improved the American government and the country in general. Detractors, on the other hand, claim that he is a foreign-born terrorist and dictator who has never accomplished anything and is trying to establish an imminent totalitarian state. As of his second term, Obama has gotten caught up in a number of scandals, which have given his detractors more fuel to the fire. These include NSA spying, lying about Benghazi, drone striking children in Yemen, and "trying to take away [their] guns."
Early life and career
Obama was allegedly born on August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii. His mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, was a white Kansan atheist, while his father, Barack Obama, Sr., was a black Kenyan Muslim. Early on in his life, Obama spent much of his time whining about his lack of a solid cultural identity, interspersed in his later years with bouts of drug and alcohol abuse; the divorce between his mother and father only fueled this angst. At the age of six, Lulu Soetoro, hearing of his stepson's distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: Indonesia. Here, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. He rapidly became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character, and became generally accustomed to Indonesian culture.
For the remainder of his childhood, Obama was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you, and also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while engaged in a correspondence course with the Soviet embassy. His exposure to many different political systems is probably what influenced his socialist and elitist tendencies later in life. Obama's spare time was spent under his bedcovers reading prosecutorial transcripts, jurist spec. sheets, and Uncle Tom's Cabin with a boy scout flashlight. His later years were spent doing...uh, pretty much the same thing, except on a surfboard, until he left home and donated his flashlight to the Salvation Army.
After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so in 1971, he returned to his native land. His experience in Hawaii prior to its statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. During these years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."
In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to Christianity, which he emphatically affirms to this day despite the occasional slips of the tongue. As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America...U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.
After attending high school in Hawaii, Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii, and got less-than-average grades. Despite these struggles, Obama graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days.
Obama moved back to Chicago, a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There he went to work as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. His other work included menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of Illinois.
Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city. He then went on to gain support for his ethics and health care legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.
Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. During this time, Obama spread the wealth around his district, and also implemented his new anti-privacy methods, leading communities and churches to lasting prosperity under the watchful eye of the patented Obama Cams®. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at "increasing public safety" and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chicagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.
Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois, Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media. Upon reaching Washington, Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of President Bush. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's tendency to let Americans run their own lives.
Despite a radical voting record during his tenure in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to guns. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's last President: "Well, I meant it when I said it."
2008 presidential campaign
- “Dear Diary, I have it! Today, as I sat down to lunch at Burger King, I watched an altercation between a customer whom the cashier had forgotten to give his change. It was then I realized what the American people truly want. How foolish I was to heed the advice of those who have made it into office! They've become so disconnected that they waste all of their time governing, instead of listening, to the people. But I, eating with the common man in that regal resteraunt, see those false kings for what they really are. And I will be their usurper.”
- ~ Obama on change
Obama, who couldn't take the government's inaction any longer, announced his candidacy for President of the United States on February 10, 2007. The announcement took place in front of the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois, where Obama was surrounded by groupies. His choice of the announcement site was a symbolic one, since it was also where Abraham Lincoln delivered his historic "House Divided" speech in 1858. At the start of the presidential race, there were six other candidates running for the Democratic nomination: Joe Biden, John Edwards, and three other old white men nobody knew nor cared about.
Under the guidance of King Blagojevich III, Obama trained to become a strong leader. After months of squabbling on stages across the country, the race came down to a young black man and an old white woman. During this time, Obama promoted a message of "hope and change" which mesmerized American voters due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the everyman to his message. He famously promised Joe the Plumber that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners", usually meaning the audience of that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you", and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager.
Ultimately, "hope and change", apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not Bush, became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and he managed to rake primary rival Hillary Clinton across the coals. In June 2008, Obama started to raise funds for his campaigns and attack the Republican nominee John McCain, who was considered by Obama to be nothing if not ridiculous. In retaliation, McCain would take off the kid gloves he wore during the Republican primaries and angrily challenged Obama to a friendly non-threatening series of polite town hall meetings across the country where they could hug, sit and talk about the world today with the American populace over a nice warm cup of coffee.
During this time, Obama wanted assurance that his coffee wouldn't be so hot that it would burn his tongue; McCain agreed, provided that he have Jell-O after every meal and two tablespoons of Dulcolax stool softener. Obama ended up rejecting the deal; enraged, McCain vowed to release cold-blooded attack ads and insensitive talking points against his opponent. Later on, he sealed his revenge by driving the Straight-Talk Express in front of Obama's campaign bus at an old man's pace, complete with delayed reactions to oncoming traffic.
In August, Obama announced Joe Biden as his running mate; bitter Hillary Clinton voters understandably lost their shit. In response to this, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate bitch on the side, seeking an opportunity to benefit from the nationwide outrage. However, despite McCain's efforts, Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough bureaucracy.
After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow. Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.
“It's not all about me!”
- ~ Barack Obama on Barack Obama
“Our economic fortunes are changing! We must remain optimistic, however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying shiny things. My opponents want to not change the economy and keep it the same, but you can put lipstick on a pig, and it is still a pig, it is just a different name for the same thing. Now some liberals say I can heal lepers and raise the dead, so you know I can make an economic policy that does not make sense work by using change and hope, and hope for change, so that it does make sense. By increasing taxes while giving 95% of people tax cuts will solve all problems and definitely bring about change.”
- ~ Obama on the economy
As President, Obama achieved quick passage of a stimulus package to address the nation's economic doldrums. It borrowed money to invest in America's rising industries: union halls, intimidators at polls, and abortion mills. Obama confidently stated that the money would be re-spent, sloshing around as though the nation were prosperous and confident; or if it didn't, it would be the fault of the mess he inherited. Oddly, much of the emergency spending was deferred to occur during the 2010 campaigns.
Obama purchased failing corporations and banks. Officials worried that a result of massive bankruptcies would be the creation of large vacuums as people, buildings, and factories disappeared, with other Americans sucked into the maw until nothing was left. The move gave the federal government near-total control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions. The policy made most Americans feel so secure about "change" that they didn't bat an eye when Obama proposed exercising comparable control over companies he had not purchased. Perhaps a nation newly-distracted by dope and promiscuous sex would ignore the ominous changes that were occurring.
“We are all hoping for change on this issue. I hope that the solution is to give the homeless change. I will give them a good mortgage at 2.25% from Fannie Mae.”
- ~ Obama on homeless people
Obama and his various "czars" managed them as the free-enterprise system was never able to do. General Motors was directed to sell half its brands to automobile companies in the Third World and close domestic dealerships, especially those that had contributed to John McCain. On the government-owned banks, the Administration argued that companies owned by the people could no longer pay "excessive" executive salaries. A "salary czar" reduced some salaries by 90%. But the affected executives readily acknowledged that they should work for peanuts. Said one, "Hell, I'm not doing anything the average illegal wouldn't do for minimum wage." A few agreed to work for free during the national economic emergency.
Health care reform
“Change it, or hope for Canada to annex the US. If that doesn't work I hope I can change health care via my progressive social programs that hope to change health care and bring hope for change to the sick and disabled.”
- ~ Obama on health care
Having transformed American industry along the successful Soviet model, Obama turned to the signature issue of health care, to replace unimportant treatment with a system of universal coverage. In one version of the reform bill (S.666):
- Page 105 reduces health-care costs by requiring the states of Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and South Carolina, and the City of Detroit, to secede from the union immediately
- Page 2356 further reduces health-care costs by ensuring that every American gets an annual rectal exam, administered by a compassionate and gentle IRS employee.
- Page 3999 ensures that communicable diseases are not spread aboard airliners by giving the TSA powers to administer a complete physical, including mammography, pap smear and/or prostate exam before boarding is permitted.
The decimated opposition was left to carping that the U.S. Government might not be able to manage everyone's medical treatment, given that it had already failed to:
- Operate a web site to reimburse citizens who had junked their high-pollution cars,
- Keep reality-TV gadflies from crashing state dinners, and
- Watch obvious hijackers who are on the Watch List.
Obama promised that Americans could keep their favorite doctors, in the same way that they already choose their letter-carriers.
Energy policy and gathering darkness
Obama's administration continued to resolve the age-old controversy between black and white. The Attorney General was newly black, and Americans had to open the door to scruffy black visitors, as they might not be Muslim evangelists but census takers.
However, in 2010, the nation was shocked to see the very surface of the Gulf of Mexico get blacker and blacker, as an oil well a mile down ruptured. Obama took quick action:
- Verifying that the Jones Act was intact and would protect Americans from the scourge of foreign oil skimmers and their non-union crews.
- Denying permits for dredging and for use of dispersants, which could be bad for the environment. This kept the oil spill one of the cleanest in history.
- Shutting down other deep-water wells for six months, just to be safe.
- Explaining how environmental permitting and litigation showed his continuing commitment to job creation.
- Lecturing Americans that the spill was their fault, as the average American stubbornly uses more gasoline than, say, the average Kenyan.
Ray Nagin, the mayor who had chafed at Bush's slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina, was pleased during the Obama years that New Orleans was restored as America's "chocolate city." He expressed pleasure when a new hurricane season threatened to turn the black slick into an emulsion, declaring, "It will be like a giant, chocolate Smoothie!"
“The rednecks believe I want them off the streets, spat on, and burned in he- (looks around to see that his audience are pro-gun people) because a redneck with a gun is a CDV situation waiting to happen. But I support guns in the hands of people who want to protect themselves from violent spouses and evil deers. I mean, uh, I support the removal of guns from criminals, drunken abusive people, and political assassins. I also believe that butcher knives and rat poison should be inaccessable to rural housewives. If we remove weapons from the people most likely to wield them, then there will be no more murders.”
- ~ Obama on gun control
A change for the better, right? Oh. I see. That kind of change. Like changing the worth of a dollar into a penny or turning the United States into a third world country within the first three months of office. Why don't Americans ever read the fine print! Fuck! But you have to admit. It's brilliant, he promised change and that's what happened. Oh well, if that's what he's comfortable with then that's that. But for future reference, be careful what they promise, you just might get it!
I could try to elucidate Mr. Obama's position on change, but wouldn't it be so much better to hear it in his own words?
- “Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at wheedling, too experienced at cutting deals, and too experienced at serving special interests! This is the time for new leadership! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change! After that we break for lunch and a toot of blow. Then it's right back at things with some light change...”
- ~ Obama on change
It also helps to put it in the words of Joe the Plummer:
- “The only change we seen, is in skin tone and the number'a peoples out of work. Fuck man, if I wanted that kind of change I would have voted for the CEO of GM. I thoughts we was gonna see a change for da betta but it don't like it's gonna happen in my lifetime. I'm lucky cause peoples always gotta take a dump and brush their teeth usin' the plumbin' and all, but other peoples ain't gonna be so lucky. Theys gonna have to spend more dough on education with dollars more useless than pennies. I thank da lord ever day that I's got some learnin' under my belt, but others? They won't be gettin' diddly squat wit dis here presdent and all his so-called change. I call it fuckin' bullshit cause that's what it really is. Bull Shit.”
- ~ Joe the Plummer on change
Cementing of power
With the American people lulled into a sense of security, Obama passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through Congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of Congress, Obama forced its passage through the use of waterboarding. After the drowning death of Mike Huckabee, the remaining holdouts fell in line quickly. With the interfering voices of the American people out of the way, Obama was able to concentrate on consolidating his power which was really Obama's biggest priority, he could move on to our next biggest threat aka Joe Biden, in the most amusing way possible (he experimented with dummies for a while about this, and he eventually decided on stuffing him with fruit like a chicken until he burst). He concealed Biden's disappearance with elaborate cover stories claiming Biden was unavailable for public appearances because he was too busy overseeing wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Directorate of Social Monitoring (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places with eyes that follow you around as you pass by. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President equipped with miniature digital cameras concealed in the head, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhere, so he can watch you while you eat/work/drive/crap/masturbate/plot against him. President Obama then turned his attention to national security, passing the Invasion of Privacy Act. Any persons caught speaking ill of the President and therefore determined to be threats to society are rounded up and placed in detention centers. Free thinkers and dissenters are not tolerated under the new regime of Barack Obama's watchful gaze.
President of the World
President Obama's charisma has led equally charismatic Libyan strongman Moammar Qaddafi to call for Obama to retain his office permanently. Nations of the U.N. have taken up these calls for the installation of Obama as the leader-for-life of the free world, as well as all other ones. They admire his determination to bring America to the table of world nations (or to the dog bowl underneath said table). The government of China has volunteered to conduct the elections for this important post.
Cultural and political image
In the media, Obama is often portrayed as the perfect choice for a nation that, for two decades, had dealt with global adversaries and foreign invaders mostly by singing "Kum-Ba-Yah." He is also considered to be the first president of the NRA not to be lynched by an angry mob in white robes holding torches, so you know he's one of the good ones. He brings hope and change and you know we can do it. By taking down the man, Obama will set the lower class working people free from economic oppression. Don't believe me? Well, don't take my word for it (jerk).
Supporters of Obama think of him as the near-equivalent to a Messiah or superhero. They have praised him for his numerous accomplishments (see below) and charisma; their praises also stem from him providing them with free "Obama phones." Detractors, on the other hand, consider Obama to be a well-known terrorist whose god "Oprah" is commanding him to destroy America. They have frequently labeled him as a liar, war criminal, Zionist NWO/Illuminati shill, dictator, and "long-legged mack daddy." They have compared him to Hitler or Satan on multiple occasions, and claim that his authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book 1984 by George Orwell. Obama responded with a curt "That's double-plus-ungood" and subsequently banned Fox News from the Press Pool.
International recognition for numerous accomplishments
In 2009, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize for numerous accomplishments, which may have included:
- A fifth-place award in the 7th-grade spelling bee
- No tardies during the school year of 1970, and
- Winning the Boy Scout Pine-Car Derby 3 years straight.
The results pile up
Obama's opponents pooh-poohed his determination to project a gentler international presence—for example, to negotiate with tin-god dictators "without preconditions." But they could not forever deny the results of replacing cowboy theatrics with a new era of charismatic personal intervention:
- Obama's jet-set arrival into Copenhagen clinched the decision to hold the Olympics in his home city of Chicago. On a separate trip to the city, his last-minute nagging of diplomats clinched agreement on a new global warming treaty.
- Meeting with Hugo Chávez and accepting a book on American imperialism transformed the Venezuelan dictator, who no longer claimed U.S. Presidents smelled like sulfur.
- His habit of bowing to Saudi Arabian emirs, and to the Japanese (who know something about bowing) commanded immediate respect and concession to U.S. foreign policy. He applied the same utter niceness to the Koreas, which secured a new trade deal with South Korea and an end to the belligerence of North Korea.
- Enhanced attention to Iran got it to abandon its nuclear ambitions. A President with an Arabic middle name and ambiguous parentage achieved an end to terrorist attempts on the U.S.
- Personal appearances in New Jersey and Virginia kept the governorships in the hands of the Democratic Party, and a last-minute visit to Massachusetts to stress the importance to Obama's health-care mandate helped retain the seat of the late Ted Kennedy in the most Democratic state in the Union.
- Vigorous campaigning limited the losses in the 2010 mid-term elections—which were inevitable, and of course also Bush's fault—and ensured that the Democrats would not lose the House of Reprehensibles.
Family and personal life
Obama's personal life is a complete mystery. The staff of the White House Media Liaison has post-edited any information it deems "a threat to the President's personal safety." Consequently, it is impossible to find mention in newspapers or broadcast media of many public events, such as the time he slapped Queen Elizabeth on the back and gave her a gift of twenty five DVDs set to only play in America.
Bills in Congress relieve other threats to the President by requiring broadcasters to balance popular shows with shows no one listens to (the "Fairness Doctrine"), or limiting the number of franchises that can carry Limbaugh and Hannity so most Americans will have to listen to that local guy with the cleft palate. The threat posed by Sarah Palin is being handled privately, as the dozen Associated Press "fact-checkers" that tailed her during the campaign are still on the investigation.
A nagging problem with the President's security is that Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. The White House corps is trying to resolve this problem. In the mean time, an Executive Order bars any use of Google inside the U.S., other than Image Search.
- ↑ Black coffee. In a white cup.
- ↑ Oxymorons be damned.
- ↑ Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.
- ↑ Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology.
- ↑ Reliable sources point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.
- ↑ Known in Hawaii as "Volcano Worship Preparation School".
- ↑ Reason: "It's not Indonesia and it's not Hawaii."
- ↑ Plus, being a politician is the only kind of career where dorks can succeed.
- ↑ His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.
- ↑ The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.
- ↑ All media is liberal media.
- ↑ And every other President in history
- ↑ Trust me, it's very watchful. He's watching me right now...
- Barack Obama's birth
- Barack Obama's Teleprompter
- Baraq Hussein Osama
- Obama and card stacking
- Pre-Presidential Accomplishments of Barack Obama
- Yes, we can!
- Barack Obama (rapper)
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