UnNews:Word up! Barack Obama elected president!
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Word up! Barack Obama elected president!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 12:57 (UTC)
5 January 2008
WASHINGTON D.C. - There he was. The tan man with the plan, fists thrown in the air, droplets of champagne from his brother's 40-oz splashing onto he and his lovely chocolate wife. Yes, Barack Obama, the junior senator from Illinois, has captured the American presidency.
He's fought his way through over two hundred days of discrimination and persecution as a Junior senator and a black man to triumph in the most glorious way possible for both himself and his creed.
"This isn't just a victory for me, but for all the other junior senators out there dreaming of doing big things one day," said Obama in his victory speech, "Of course, you all can't be President, but you can become senior senators or governors. It's not like we need Harry Reid and Tom DeLay anymore; they're nearly out the door, hurry up and hop in line before some honky representative gets there first!"
The private jet flight to the top for Barack wasn't easy in the least bit. The constant belittling— nay, harassing —from citizens, predominantly from the South, about his lack of experience proved a terrible trial for Obama.
"I'll be day-umned if I let a damned Junior hold my country's highest office," said Willy Michaels, a southern farmer and obvious critic of Obama. "I'm tellin' you, these inexperienced guys have been gettin' real uppity these recent years... dat there's a trend I don't like, boy."
Despite these occasional redneck opinions, Obama was able to overcome adversity and take the presidency in a landslide, showing that lack of experience in office means nothing when one has enough experience in kicking ass and taking names.
Despite his obvious trouncing of his opposition Fairyman, She-Wolf and That Creepy Old Man From Down The Street Who Would Always Wear Spandex In The Winter And Sunglasses At Night, some people are not convinced.
"I don't get it. All he did was win the Iowa caucus, not the presidency!" cried Republican Presidential loser Mike Huckabee during a particular powerful head scratch. Republican runner-up Ron Paul responded to this lament:
"Give it a break, Fuckabee."
Though his words were brief, the message is clear: no one would vote for Huckabee, who won his side of the caucus, in the actual Presidential election, so the ten most powerful officials in government decided it would be more economic to just give Barack the office and save plenty of time that would have been wasted on "voting" and "doing duty as a citizen", leaving more room for Checkers and skeet shooting.
The election broke several records, including highest turnout percentage, with 100%; and least votes cast, with 10 total.