Barack Obama

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[[File:Obama8.jpg|right|240px|thumb|Barack Obama, seen here with the [[lie|White House]] in the background. Notice the contrast between his black suit and the white building.]]
 
[[File:Obama8.jpg|right|240px|thumb|Barack Obama, seen here with the [[lie|White House]] in the background. Notice the contrast between his black suit and the white building.]]
{{Nicequote|Nothing's gonna change. Let's just do our stuff.|Polish ex-president and [[Nobel Peace Prize]] winner [[Lech Wałęsa]]|Barack Obama's election victory}}
 
'''Barack Hussein <strike>Osama</strike> Obama'''<ref>Also known as '''Barry Soetoro''', from his Indonesian passport.</ref> is the 44th and current [[President]] of the United States, and the first and only to do so without the benefit of [[White people|white skin]]. He was a perfect choice for a nation that, for two decades, had dealt with global adversaries and foreign invaders mostly by singing Kum-Ba-Yah. Obama served as an [[Illinois]] state senator from 1997 through 2004, and also had a cup of coffee in the U.S. Senate before starting his successful campaign for the Presidency. ''Black'' coffee. In a ''white'' cup.
 
 
In his first year as President, his chief accomplishments were policies to stabilize the weak economy, some of which gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and a larger number of alarmed citizens. Critics claimed that Obama's authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book ''1984'' by [[George Orwell]]. Obama responded with a curt, "That's double-plus-ungood" and by banning [[Fox News]] from the Press Pool.
 
 
==Early life and career==
 
[[File:Shanty.jpg|thumb|left|The Obama family home in Georgetown.]]
 
 
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{{Conservapedia|Barack_Hussein_Obama|Barack Obama}}
 
{{Conservapedia|Barack_Hussein_Obama|Barack Obama}}
 
{{Alt|Barack Obama/old|Barack Obama (terrorist superhero)}}
 
{{Alt|Barack Obama/old|Barack Obama (terrorist superhero)}}
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{{Alt|Baraq Hussein Osama|Baraq Hussein Osama}}
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{{Q|Nothing's gonna change. Let's just do our stuff.|Polish ex-president and [[Nobel Peace Prize]] winner [[Lech Wałęsa]]|Barack Obama's election victory}}
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'''Barack Hussein Obama''' (born August 4, 1961) is the 44th and current [[President]] of the [[United States]], and the first and only to hold office [[African-American|without]] the benefit of [[White people|white skin]]. Allegedly born in [[Honolulu]], [[Hawaii]], Obama is a graduate of the prestigious [[Columbia University]], and worked as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and [[civil rights]] [[lawyer]] in [[Chicago]] before earning his law degree. He served as a [[hippie|young]], shiningly [[stupid|optimistic]] upstart [[Illinois]] State Senator from 1997 to 2004, and made the jump to U.S. Senator from [[Illinois]] in 2005, serving as such until 2008.
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Obama first started running for president in 2007, after having a cup of coffee in the Senate. ''Black'' coffee. In a ''white'' cup. In 2008, after raking [[Hillary Clinton]] across the coals, he won sufficient delegates in the Democratic Party primaries to receive the presidential nomination. He then defeated [[Republican]] nominee and cranky old man [[John McCain]] in the general election, and was inaugurated as president on January 20, 2009. Nine months after his election, Obama was named the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate for his numerous accomplishments.
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During his first term in office, Obama's chief accomplishments were subtle, sweeping changes in policy and government<ref>Oxymorons be damned.</ref> that stabilized the weak economy and [[sex|shook up]] Washington, changing the [[Rich people|system]] and world for [[Communism|a brighter and better tomorrow]]. Some of these policies gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and in turn, a larger number of [[Alex Jones|alarmed citizens]]. Obama was re-elected president in November 2012, defeating Republican nominee [[Mitt Romney|Willard Mittens Romney]], and was sworn in for a second term on January 20, 2013.
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Obama's supporters have claimed that he has quickly improved the [[United States]] government and the country in general. Detractors, on the other hand, claim that he is a foreign-born [[terrorist]] and [[dictator]] who has never accomplished anything and is trying to establish an imminent totalitarian state. As of his second term, Obama has gotten caught up in a number of scandals, which have given his detractors more fuel to the fire. These include [[NSA]] spying, lying about Benghazi, drone striking children in [[Yemen]], and "trying to take away [their] guns."
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==Early life and career==
 
{{Main|Barack Obama's birth}}
 
{{Main|Barack Obama's birth}}
Barack Obama was allegedly<ref>Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.</ref><ref>[http://www.factcheck.org/UploadedFiles/birth_certificate_5.jpg Alleged birth certificate].</ref><ref>[http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=82033 2008 election still in dispute by crazy guy].</ref><ref>[http://www.kitv.com/politics/17860890/detail.html?rss=hon&psp=news Hawaii confused over Obama birthplace].</ref><ref>[http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=78931 Additional crazy guy claims to have proof Obama born in Kenya, will go public 'any day now' as of August 2008].</ref><ref>[http://www.conservapedia.com/Barack_Hussein_Obama A Trustworthy Source: Obama not born is US; also a Muslim, terrorist, and mutant].</ref><ref>My dad says Obama wasn't born in America.</ref><ref>It's getting a little ridiculous with these references, isn't it?</ref> born in Honolulu, [[Hawaii]] to Stanley Ann Dunham in 1961.
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[[File:Shanty.jpg|thumb|left|210px|The Obama family home in Georgetown.]]
<!--DON'T CORRECT THIS; IT'S ACTUALLY THE BROAD'S NAME! You can check it on (choke!) Wikipedia -->
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Obama was allegedly<ref>Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.</ref> born on August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, [[Hawaii]]. His mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, was a [[slut|white Kansan atheist]], while his father, [[Kanye West]], was a [[Robert Mugabe|black Kenyan Muslim]].<!--DON'T CORRECT THIS; IT'S ACTUALLY THE BROAD'S NAME! You can check it on (choke!) Wikipedia -->
Early on in his life, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. His Kenyan father Kanye West had been raised as a [[Muslim]], though later became an [[atheist]]. Obama spent the first twelve years of his life in Indonesia, where he was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you. He also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while also engaged in a correspondence course with the [[Soviet Union|Soviet embassy]].
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Early on in his life, Obama spent much of his time whining about his lack of a solid cultural identity, interspersed in his later years with bouts of drug and alcohol abuse. West, hearing of his son's distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: [[Indonesia]]. Here, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. He rapidly became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character, and became generally accustomed to Indonesian culture.
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For the remainder his childhood, Obama was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you, and also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while engaged in a correspondence course with the [[Soviet Union|Soviet embassy]]. His exposure to many different political systems is probably what influenced his socialist and elitist tendencies later in life. Obama's spare time was spent under his bedcovers reading prosecutorial transcripts, jurist spec. sheets, and ''Uncle Tom's Cabin'' with a boy scout flashlight. His later years were spent, doing...uh, pretty much the same thing, except on a surfboard, until he left home and donated his flashlight to the [[Salvation Army]].
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After four years of living in a [[America|foreign country]], and having acclimated himself to<ref>And gotten bored with.</ref> its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances.<ref>These substances included genuine Hawaiian lava and poi.</ref> His experience in Hawaii prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, [[Hawaii]] was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping<ref>Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology.</ref> and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."
   
Obama's experience in [[Hawaii]] prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, [[Hawaii]] was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping<ref>Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology</ref> and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he ''"felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."''
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In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to [[Christianity]].<ref>[[Conservapedia|Reliable sources]] point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.</ref> Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue) As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America...U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.
   
In his late teens, Obama gave up his [[Muslim]] heritage and converted to [[Christianity]].<ref>[[Conservapedia|Reliable sources]] point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.</ref> Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue). As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. [[Jeremiah Wright]], notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America...U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.
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After attending high school in Hawaii,<ref>Known in Hawaii as "Volcano Worship Preparation School".</ref> Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend the prestigious [[Columbia University]]. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in [[Hawaii]], and got less-than-average grades. Despite these struggles, Obama graduated from [[Colombia|Columbia]] in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in [[redundancy]]. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days.
   
After attending high school in Hawaii,<ref>Known in Hawaii as 'Volcano Worship Preparation School'.</ref> Obama attended the prestigious [[Columbia University]]. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in [[Hawaii]]. He graduated from [[Colombia|Columbia]] in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in [[redundancy]]. He then moved back to [[Chicago]], a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There Obama went to work as a community organizer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of [[Illinois]].
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Obama moved back to [[Chicago]],<ref>Reason: "It's not Indonesia and it's not Hawaii."</ref> a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There he went to work as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. His other work included menial canvassing of the type every [[Mitt Romney|Mormon]] is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of [[Illinois]].<ref>Plus, being a politician is the only kind of career where dorks can succeed.</ref>
   
 
==Senate career==
 
==Senate career==
 
[[Image:Obama at work.jpg|thumb|left|The Brazilian derrière is another broad area of study that Obama has now disavowed.]]
 
[[Image:Obama at work.jpg|thumb|left|The Brazilian derrière is another broad area of study that Obama has now disavowed.]]
[[File:Barackobama.JPG|right|150px|thumb|Obama is seen here during his time in the storied Illinois Senate, wearing a tie that mixes dark and light colors.]]
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[[File:Barackobama.JPG|right|150px|thumb|Obama during his time in the storied Illinois Senate, wearing a tie that mixes dark and light colors.]]
Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city.<ref>His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.</ref> He then went on to gain support for his ethics and health care legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his ''Weather Underground'' movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.
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Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city.<ref>His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.</ref> He then went on to gain support for his ethics and health care legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his ''Weather Underground'' movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.
   
Obama's time in the [[Illinois]] Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all [[you are dead|homicide]] interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at 'increasing public safety' and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native [[Hawaii]], and very few Chicagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of [[Hawaii]].
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Obama's time in the [[Illinois]] Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. During this time, Obama [[Joe the Plumber|spread the wealth]] around his district, and also implemented his new anti-privacy methods, leading communities and churches to lasting prosperity under the watchful eye of the patented Obama Cams<sup>®</sup>. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all [[you are dead|homicide]] interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at "increasing public safety" and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native [[Hawaii]], and very few Chicagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of [[Hawaii]].
   
 
Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois,<ref>The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.</ref> Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media.<ref>''All'' media is liberal media.</ref> Upon reaching [[Washington]], Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of [[George W. Bush|President Bush]]. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's<ref>And every other President in history</ref> tendency to let Americans run their own lives.
 
Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois,<ref>The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.</ref> Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media.<ref>''All'' media is liberal media.</ref> Upon reaching [[Washington]], Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of [[George W. Bush|President Bush]]. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's<ref>And every other President in history</ref> tendency to let Americans run their own lives.
   
==Election as President==
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Despite a radical voting record during his tenure in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to [[guns]]. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's [[Bill Clinton|last President]]: "Well, I meant it when I said it."
[[File:obama08acceptance.jpg|thumb|left|Obama delivers his presidential election victory speech in Grant Park from behind a mulatto brown podium. Note the [[UFO]] above Obama's head.]]
 
Despite a radical voting record during his cameo appearance in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to [[guns]]. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's [[Bill Clinton|last President]]: "Well, I meant it when I said it."
 
   
His message of "hope and change" mesmerized American voters. He famously promised [[Joe the Plumber]] that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you"; and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager and, later, a black [[Muslim]]. Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not [[George W. Bush|Bush]], became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama's [[John McCain|opponent]] was nothing if not ridiculous.
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==Presidential campaigns==
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===2008 presidential campaign===
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[[File:obama08acceptance.jpg|thumb|right|Obama delivers his presidential election victory speech in Grant Park from behind a mulatto brown podium. Note the [[UFO]] above Obama's head.]]
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:{{Nicequote|Dear Diary, I have it! Today, as I sat down to lunch at Burger King, I watched an altercation between a customer whom the cashier had forgotten to give his '''change'''. It was then I realized [[Money|what the American people truly want]]. How foolish I was to heed the advice of those who have made it into office! They've become so disconnected that they waste all of their time governing, instead of listening, to the people. But I, eating with the common man in that regal resteraunt, see those false kings for what they really are. And I will be their usurper.|Obama|change}}
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Obama, who couldn't take the government's inaction any longer, announced his candidacy for President of the United States on February 10, 2007. The announcement took place in front of the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois while surrounded by groupies. His choice of the announcement site was a symbolic one since it was also where [[Abraham Lincoln]] delivered his historic "House Divided" speech in 1858.<ref>It is speculated by historians that had Lincoln not dilivered this speech, the south would have won the civil war and Barack Obama's father would have been made into a slave upon his arrival to American, thus making Obama 100% white as oppose to 50%. It is also speculated that Obama's name would have been Barry O'Brien.</ref> When Obama first ran for president, there were six other candidates running for the Democratic nomination; they consisted of [[Joe Biden]], [[John Edwards]], and three other old white guys nobody knew nor cared about.<ref>One of them might have been Mexican, but don't quote me!</ref>
   
Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough [[bureaucracy]]. After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow. Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.
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Under the guidance of [[Rod Blagojevich|King Blagojevich III]], Obama trained to become the president. After months of squabbling on stages across the country, the race came down to a young black man and an old white <s>man</s> woman. During this time, Obama promoted a message of "hope and change" which mesmerized American voters due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the [[stupid|everyman]] to his message. He famously promised [[Joe the Plumber]] that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you," and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager.
   
==Economic takeovers==
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Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not [[George W. Bush|Bush]], became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama managed to rake primary rival [[Hillary Clinton]] across the coals.<ref>Clinton is said to still be smoldering over her defeat in a campaign bus last spotted in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly in south [[Arkansas]].</ref> In June 2008, after defeating Hillary Clinton, Obama started to raise funds for his campaigns and attack the [[Republican Party|Republican]] nominee, [[John McCain]], who was considered by Obama to be nothing if not ridiculous. In retaliation, McCain would take off the kid gloves he wore during the Republican primaries and angrily challenged Obama to a friendly non-threatening series of polite town hall meetings across the country where they could hug, sit and talk about the world today with the American populace over a nice warm cup of coffee.
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[[File:ObamaLogo.png|left|240px|thumb|Obama's campaign logo enshrines America as "the land of the setting sun."]]
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During this time, Obama wanted assurance that his coffee wouldn't be so hot that it would burn his tongue; McCain agreed, provided that he have [[Jell-O]] after every meal and two tablespoons of Dulcolax stool softener. Obama ended up rejecting the deal; enraged, McCain vowed to release cold-blooded attack ads and insensitive talking points against his opponent. Later on, he sealed his revenge by driving the Straight-Talk Express in front of Obama's campaign bus at an old man's pace, complete with delayed reactions to oncoming traffic.
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In August, Obama announced Joe Biden as his running mate; bitter Hillary Clinton voters understandably lost their shit. In response to this, John McCain announced [[Sarah Palin]] as his <s>running mate</s> bitch on the side, sensing an opportunity to profit from the nation-wide PMS protest. However, despite McCain's efforts, Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough [[bureaucracy]].
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After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow. Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.
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{{clear}}
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==Presidency==
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:{{Nicequote|It's not all about me!|Barack Obama|Barack Obama}}
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===Inauguration===
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[[Image:Barackobamatodolist.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Obama's to-do list.]]
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Obama's 2009 inauguration was one of the most expensive, adjusted for inflation, of any leader in history. It outstripped the coronations of [[Augustus Caesar]], King Cyrus the Great of [[Persia]], and the ancient [[Egyptian]] pharaohs in lavishness. This statistic has already been noted by the ''[[Guinness Book of World Records]]'', a fact of which Obama is immensely proud. The Senator who succeeded Obama in the [[Illinois]] senate seat, Roland Burris, is even more proud and has already written this fact on his mausoleum.
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As if the [[Styrofoam]] columns that decorated the Democratic National Convention stage weren't enough, Obama ordered Styrofoam columns to be placed on every single street corner in [[Washington D.C.]] In addition, he commissioned a full-size replica of the Roman [[Colosseum]], plated in [[gold]], to be built on the Capitol Mall in front of the Washington Monument. Statues of Obama's trim figure, clad in a toga, adorned this opulent structure in lieu of the [[Roman gods]]. Unfortunately, the 5 million people in attendance at the event trampled the whole thing then tried to climb on top of it to try to see the historic event.
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Secret underground Inaugural festivities included [[gladiator]] fights, staged by the Brutus Gladiatorial Agency.<ref>The Brutus Agency is owned by the same company that publishes Obama's [[books]].</ref> Obama has already issued pre-emptive Presidential [[pardons]] to the winners of the fights. Nearly 1,000 man-to-man battles will take place, and viewers of the Inauguration will be treated to a bloody spectacle the likes of which the world has not seen for nearly 2,000 years.
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Reminding the American people of their economic hardships, Obama has urged ordinary citizens to make sacrifices and to prepare for the trillion-dollar deficits ahead. Ordinary citizens responded to the speech by picking up litter left over in the aftermath of the inaugural parade.
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{{clear}}
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===Domestic policy===
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====Economic takeovers====
 
[[Image:Superobama.jpg|thumb|right|If [[General Motors]] can't get it done, Super-Obama will!]]
 
[[Image:Superobama.jpg|thumb|right|If [[General Motors]] can't get it done, Super-Obama will!]]
{{Nicequote|It's not all about me!|Barack Obama|Barack Obama}}
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:{{Nicequote|Our economic fortunes are '''changing'''! We must remain '''optimistic''', however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying shiny things. My opponents want to not change the economy and keep it the same, but you can put lipstick on a [[Sarah Palin|pig]], and it is still a [[Neocon|pig]], it is just a different name for the same thing. Now [http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/09/10/tennessee-rep-compares-obama-to-jesus-suggests-palin-is-pilate/ some liberals say I can heal lepers and raise the dead], so you know I can make an economic policy that does not make sense work by using [[change]] and [[hope]], and [[vote|hope]] for [[Communism|change]], so that it does make sense. By increasing taxes while giving 95% of people tax cuts will solve all problems and definitely bring about '''change'''.|Obama|the economy}}
As President, Obama achieved quick passage of a stimulus package to address the nation's economic doldrums. It borrowed money to invest in America's rising industries: union halls, intimidators at polls, and abortion mills. Obama confidently stated that the money would be re-spent, sloshing around as though the nation were prosperous and confident; or if it didn't, it would be the fault of the [[George Dubya Bush|mess]] he inherited. Oddly, much of the emergency spending was deferred to occur during the 2010 campaigns.
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As President, Obama achieved quick passage of a stimulus package to address the nation's economic doldrums. It borrowed money to invest in America's rising industries: union halls, intimidators at polls, and abortion mills. Obama confidently stated that the money would be re-spent, sloshing around as though the nation were prosperous and confident; or if it didn't, it would be the fault of the [[George W. Bush|mess]] he inherited. Oddly, much of the emergency spending was deferred to occur during the 2010 campaigns.
   
Obama purchased failing corporations and banks. Officials worried that a result of massive bankruptcies would be the creation of large vacuums as people, buildings, and factories disappeared, with other Americans sucked into the maw until nothing was left. The move gave the federal government near-total control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions. The policy made most Americans feel so secure about "change" that they didn't bat an eye when Obama proposed exercising comparable control over companies he had not purchased.
+
Obama purchased failing corporations and banks. Officials worried that a result of massive bankruptcies would be the creation of large vacuums as people, buildings, and factories disappeared, with other Americans sucked into the maw until nothing was left. The move gave the federal government near-total control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions. The policy made most Americans feel so secure about "change" that they didn't bat an eye when Obama proposed exercising comparable control over companies he had not purchased. Perhaps a nation newly-distracted by dope and promiscuous sex would ignore the ominous changes that were occurring.
   
Obama and his various "czars" managed them as the free-enterprise system was never able to do. General Motors was directed to sell half its brands to automobile companies in the Third World and close domestic dealerships, especially those that had contributed to [[John McCain]]. On the government-owned banks, the Administration argued that companies owned by the people could no longer pay "excessive" executive salaries. A "salary czar" reduced some salaries by 90%. But the affected executives readily acknowledged that they should work for peanuts. Said one, "Hell, I'm not doing anything the average illegal wouldn't do for minimum wage." A few agreed to work for free during the national economic emergency.
+
:{{Nicequote|We are all '''hoping''' for '''change''' on this issue. I '''hope''' that the solution is to give the homeless '''change'''. I will give them a good '''mortgage''' at '''2.25%''' from Fannie Mae.|Obama|homeless people}}
  +
Obama and his various "czars" managed them as the free-enterprise system was never able to do. General Motors was directed to sell half its brands to automobile companies in the Third World and close domestic dealerships, especially those that had contributed to John McCain. On the government-owned banks, the Administration argued that companies owned by the people could no longer pay "excessive" executive salaries. A "salary czar" reduced some salaries by 90%. But the affected executives readily acknowledged that they should work for peanuts. Said one, "Hell, I'm not doing anything the average illegal wouldn't do for minimum wage." A few agreed to work for free during the national economic emergency.
   
On social issues, Obama called off federal prosecution of citizens of states with medical-[[marijuana]] laws, and restored abortion funding that [[George Dubya Bush|his predecessor]] had fought. Perhaps a nation newly distracted by dope and promiscuous sex would ignore the ominous changes that were occurring.
+
====Health care reform====
===Health care===
+
{{Nicequote|'''Change''' it, or '''hope''' for [[Canada]] to annex the US. If that doesn't work I hope I can change health care via my [[Communism|progressive social programs that hope to change health care]] and bring hope for change to the sick and disabled.|Obama|health care}}
[[File:Obama-pimp.jpg|150px|left|thumb|Obama's stimulus spending makes him feel a bit [[pimp]]ish.]]
+
[[File:Obama-pimp.jpg|150px|left|thumb|Obama's economic advisor.]]
 
Having transformed American industry along the successful [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] model, Obama turned to the signature issue of health care, to replace unimportant ''treatment'' with a system of universal ''coverage.'' In one version of the reform bill (S.666):
 
Having transformed American industry along the successful [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] model, Obama turned to the signature issue of health care, to replace unimportant ''treatment'' with a system of universal ''coverage.'' In one version of the reform bill (S.666):
 
*Page 105 reduces health-care costs by requiring the states of [[Louisiana]], [[Alabama]], [[Mississippi]], and [[South Carolina]], and the City of [[Detroit]], to secede from the union immediately
 
*Page 105 reduces health-care costs by requiring the states of [[Louisiana]], [[Alabama]], [[Mississippi]], and [[South Carolina]], and the City of [[Detroit]], to secede from the union immediately
Line 61: Line 65:
 
*Watch obvious hijackers who are on the Watch List.
 
*Watch obvious hijackers who are on the Watch List.
 
Obama promised that Americans could keep their favorite doctors, in the same way that they already choose their letter-carriers.
 
Obama promised that Americans could keep their favorite doctors, in the same way that they already choose their letter-carriers.
{{clear}}
 
   
==International recognition for numerous accomplishments==
+
====Energy policy and gathering darkness====
[[File:Obamasnow.jpg|thumb|left|This Obama [[Pokémon]] card is [[Nintendo]]'s way of recognizing Obama's accomplishments.]]
+
[[Image:Nice oilslick.jpg|thumb|right|White caps on the surface of the [[Gulf of Mexico]] were replaced by black caps during the Obama years.]]
In 2009, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize for numerous accomplishments, which may have included:
 
*A fifth-place award in the 7th-grade spelling bee
 
*No tardies during the school year of 1970, and
 
*Winning the Boy Scout Pine-Car Derby 3 years straight.
 
Obama also received a red poppy pin for contributing to the war in [[Afghanistan]] and a giant stuffed Tasmanian Devil for sinking 3 baskets at the [[Maryland]] state fair. There's no stopping this man.
 
 
===The results pile up===
 
[[Image:Obama bow.jpg|thumb|right|250px|When you bow this low to a Japanese counterpart, you either see a missed spot on your shoe-shine or are asking to perform oral sex.]]
 
Obama's opponents pooh-poohed his determination to project a gentler international presence--for example, to negotiate with tin-god dictators "without preconditions." But they could not forever deny the results of replacing [[George Dubya Bush|cowboy]] theatrics with a new era of charismatic personal intervention:
 
*Obama's jet-set arrival into [[Copenhagen]] clinched the decision to hold the Olympics in his home city of Chicago. On a separate trip to the city, his last-minute nagging of diplomats clinched agreement on a new [[Global warming#Copenhagen|global warming]] treaty.
 
*Meeting with [[Hugo Chávez]] and accepting a book on American imperialism transformed the [[Venezuela]]n dictator, who no longer claimed U.S. Presidents smelled like sulfur.
 
*His habit of bowing to [[Saudi Arabia]]n emirs, and to the [[Japanese]] (who know something about bowing) commanded immediate respect and concession to U.S. foreign policy. He applied the same utter [[nice]]ness to the [[Korea]]s, which secured a new trade deal with [[South Korea]] and an end to the belligerence of [[North Korea]].
 
*Enhanced attention to [[Iran]] got it to abandon its nuclear ambitions. A President with an [[Arabic]] middle name and [[Barack Obama's birth|ambiguous parentage]] achieved an end to terrorist attempts on the U.S.
 
*Personal appearances in [[New Jersey]] and [[Virginia]] kept the governorships in the hands of the [[Democratic Party]], and a last-minute visit to [[Massachusetts]] to stress the importance to Obama's health-care mandate helped retain the seat of the late [[Ted Kennedy]] in the most [[Democratic Party|Democratic]] state in the Union.
 
*Vigorous campaigning limited the losses in the 2010 mid-term elections--which were inevitable, and of course also Bush's fault--and ensured that the Democrats would not lose the [[House of Reprehensibles]].
 
 
===Gathering darkness===
 
[[Image:Nice oilslick.jpg|thumb|left|White caps on the surface of the [[Gulf of Mexico]] were replaced by black caps during the Obama years.]]
 
 
Obama's administration continued to resolve the age-old controversy between black and white. The [[Lawyer|Attorney General]] was newly black, and Americans had to open the door to scruffy black visitors, as they might not be [[Muslim]] evangelists but [[census]] takers.
 
Obama's administration continued to resolve the age-old controversy between black and white. The [[Lawyer|Attorney General]] was newly black, and Americans had to open the door to scruffy black visitors, as they might not be [[Muslim]] evangelists but [[census]] takers.
 
{{UnNews Archive|2010 Oil Spill}}
 
{{UnNews Archive|2010 Oil Spill}}
Line 76: Line 79:
 
Ray Nagin, the [[mayor]] who had chafed at Bush's slow federal response to [[Hurricane Katrina]], was pleased during the Obama years that [[New Orleans]] was restored as America's "[[chocolate]] city." He expressed pleasure when a new hurricane season threatened to turn the black slick into an emulsion, declaring, "It will be like a giant, chocolate Smoothie!"
 
Ray Nagin, the [[mayor]] who had chafed at Bush's slow federal response to [[Hurricane Katrina]], was pleased during the Obama years that [[New Orleans]] was restored as America's "[[chocolate]] city." He expressed pleasure when a new hurricane season threatened to turn the black slick into an emulsion, declaring, "It will be like a giant, chocolate Smoothie!"
   
==Cementing of power==
+
====Gun control====
[[Image:Barackamen square.jpg|thumb|Every so often this picture screams "Hope and change" and shoots fire out of its mouth. There's that black suit/white background contrast again. "Big Brother is Always Watching"]]
+
:{{Nicequote|The [[rednecks]] believe I want them off the streets, spat on, and burned in he- (looks around to see that his audience are pro-gun people) because a redneck with a gun is a CDV situation waiting to happen. But I support guns in the hands of people who want to protect themselves from violent spouses and evil deers. I mean, uh, I support the removal of guns from criminals, drunken abusive people, and political assassins. I also believe that butcher knives and rat poison should be inaccessable to rural housewives. If we remove weapons from the people most likely to wield them, then there will be no more murders.|Obama|gun control}}
{{c|With the American people lulled into a sense of security,}} Obama passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through Congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of Congress, Obama forced its passage through the use of {{c|waterboarding. After the drowning death of}} Mike Huckabee, the remaining holdouts fell in line quickly. With the {{C|interfering}} voices of the American people {{C|out of the way, Obama was able to concentrate on consolidating his power which was really}} Obama's biggest priority, he could move on to our next biggest threat {{c| aka Joe Biden, in the most amusing way possible (he experimented with dummies for a while about this, and he eventually decided on stuffing him with fruit like a chicken until he [[a splode|burst]]). He concealed Biden's disappearance with elaborate cover stories claiming}} Biden was unavailable for public appearances because he was too busy overseeing wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Directorate of Social Monitoring (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places {{c| with eyes that follow you around as you pass by}}. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President {{c|equipped with miniature digital cameras concealed in the head}}, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhere{{c|, so he can watch you while you eat/work/drive/crap/masturbate/plot against him}}. President Obama then turned his attention to national security, passing the {{c|Invasion of}} Privacy Act. Any {{c| persons caught speaking ill of the President and therefore determined to be}} threats to society are {{c|rounded up and placed in detention centers. Free thinkers and dissenters are}} not tolerated under {{c|the new regime of}} Barack Obama's watchful gaze.<ref>Trust me, it's ''very'' watchful. He's watching me right now...</ref>
 
   
==Personal life==
+
====Drug usage====
[[Image:BOjedi.jpg|thumb|President Obama uses the Force to repel criticism from all sides while merging corporate and State power. "Now I am the Master!"]]
+
Obama called off federal prosecution of citizens of states with medical-[[marijuana]] laws.
Obama's personal life is a complete mystery. The staff of the White House Media Liaison has post-edited any information it deems "a threat to the President's personal safety." Consequently, it is impossible to find mention in newspapers or broadcast media of many public events, such as the time he slapped Queen Elizabeth on the back and gave her a gift of twenty five DVDs set to only play in America.
 
   
Bills in Congress relieve other threats to the President by requiring broadcasters to balance popular shows with shows no one listens to (the "Fairness Doctrine"), or limiting the number of franchises that can carry [[Rush Limbaugh|Limbaugh]] and [[Sean Hannity|Hannity]] so most Americans will have to listen to that local guy with the cleft palate. The threat posed by [[Sarah Palin]] is being handled privately, as the dozen Associated Press "fact-checkers" that tailed her during the campaign are still on the investigation.
+
====No Child Left Behind====
  +
{{Nicequote|Like a baby that has soiled himself, it must be '''changed'''.|Obama|No Child Left Behind}}
   
A nagging problem with the President's security is that Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. The White House corps is trying to resolve this problem. In the mean time, an Executive Order bars any use of [[Google]] inside the U.S., other than Image Search.
+
===Foreign policy===
  +
{{Nicequote|'''Kenya''' is high on my list of important countries to visit. I will also visit some white countries as well. I will also visit [[Canada]] but only when the seasons '''change''' to summer. I would visit [[Mexico]] except they all moved here. I will recognize Alaska and open an embassy there, even though they didn't vote for me. I will never recognize [[Israel]] or New York City.|Obama|foreign policy}}
   
==President of the World==
+
====Iraq War====
[[Image:Obamadictator.gif|left|thumb|200px|A portrait of Obama in his new role as World Leader for Life.]]
+
{{Nicequote|American policy in Iraq needs to be '''changed'''. There is little optimism concerning our future in Iraq. To remedy this, all American forces will be redeployed to the Cape of Good '''Hope'''.|Obama|Iraq}}
President Obama's charisma has led equally charismatic [[Libya|Libyan]] strongman Moammar [[Qaddafi]] to call for Obama to retain his office permanently. Nations of the [[United Nations|U.N.]] have taken up these calls for the installation of Obama as the leader-for-life of the free world, as well as all other ones. They admire his determination to bring America to the table of world nations (or to the dog bowl underneath said table). The government of [[Chinatown|China]] has volunteered to conduct the elections for this important post.
 
   
==World Relations==
+
====Immigration====
[[Barack Obama]] has has met countless times with the honorable Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love [[Kim Jong-Ill]] to discuss their plans for the weekend. They enjoy frequent slumber parties with their other friends: [[Vladimir VII the Putin]], [[Dmitri Medvedev]], and the ghost of [[George Washington Carver]]. This amazing friendship is demonstrated with the amazing relations between the [[United States of America]], [[North Korea]], [[Russia]] and [[Black People]]. Some more exploits of "the gang" include panty raids on Queen Elizabeth, the accidental murder of renowned war hero, [[Osama bin Laden]], and finding a heart for [[Vladimir VII the Putin]] <strike>to feast on</strike>.
+
{{Nicequote|[[Mexicans|Illegal immigrants]] are full of '''hope''' that they might one day become citizens. We must either '''change''' our attitudes and accept this, or '''hope''' for them to go away. If they don't go away perhaps we should go away.|Obama|illegal immigrants}}
  +
  +
===[[HowTo:Make People Believe Absurdities|Change]]===
  +
[[Image:Wristwatch.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Time....FOR CHANGE!]]
  +
A change for the better, right? Oh. I see. ''That'' kind of change. Like changing the worth of a dollar into a penny or turning the [[United States]] into a third world country within the first three months of office. Why don't Americans ever read the fine print! Fuck! But you have to admit. It's brilliant, he promised change and that's what happened. Oh well, if that's what he's comfortable with then that's that. But for future reference, be careful what they promise, you just might get it!
  +
  +
I could try to elucidate Mr. Obama's position on '''change''', but wouldn't it be so much better to hear it in his own words?
  +
:{{Nicequote|Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at [[politics|wheedling]], too experienced at [[diplomacy|cutting deals]], and too experienced at [[Jack Abramoff|serving special interests]]! This is the time for new leadership! The time for '''hope'''! The time for '''change'''! The time for '''optimism'''! After that, perhaps more '''hope'''! Then '''hope''' again, '''change''' for a little while, then a mixture of '''optimism''' and '''change'''! After that we break for lunch and a toot of '''blow'''. Then it's right back at things with some light '''change'''...|Obama|change}}
  +
  +
It also helps to put it in the words of Joe the Plummer:
  +
:{{Nicequote|The only change we seen, is in skin tone and the number'a peoples out of work. Fuck man, if I wanted that kind of change I would have voted for the CEO of GM. I thoughts we was gonna see a change for da betta but it don't like it's gonna happen in my lifetime. I'm lucky cause peoples always gotta take a dump and brush their teeth usin' the plumbin' and all, but other peoples ain't gonna be so lucky. Theys gonna have to spend more dough on education with dollars more useless than pennies. I thank da lord ever day that I's got some learnin' under my belt, but others? They won't be gettin' diddly squat wit dis here presdent and all his so-called change. I call it fuckin' bullshit cause that's what it really is. Bull Shit.|Joe the Plummer|change}}
  +
  +
===Abortion===
  +
Obama has restored abortion funding that [[George Dubya Bush|his predecessor]] had fought.
  +
  +
===[[Jack Abramoff|Washington Lobbyists]]===
  +
:{{Nicequote|Kill them. Every one. After we receive their bribes.|Obama|Washington Lobbyists}}
  +
  +
===Cementing of power===
  +
[[Image:Barackamen square.jpg|thumb|right|Every so often this picture screams "Hope and change" and shoots fire out of its mouth. There's that black suit/white background contrast again. "Big Brother is Always Watching"]]
  +
{{c|With the American people lulled into a sense of security,}} Obama passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through Congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of Congress, Obama forced its passage through the use of {{c|waterboarding. After the drowning death of}} Mike Huckabee, the remaining holdouts fell in line quickly. With the {{C|interfering}} voices of the American people {{C|out of the way, Obama was able to concentrate on consolidating his power which was really}} Obama's biggest priority, he could move on to our next biggest threat {{c| aka Joe Biden, in the most amusing way possible (he experimented with dummies for a while about this, and he eventually decided on stuffing him with fruit like a chicken until he [[a splode|burst]]). He concealed Biden's disappearance with elaborate cover stories claiming}} Biden was unavailable for public appearances because he was too busy overseeing wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Directorate of Social Monitoring (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places {{c| with eyes that follow you around as you pass by}}. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President {{c|equipped with miniature digital cameras concealed in the head}}, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhere{{c|, so he can watch you while you eat/work/drive/crap/masturbate/plot against him}}. President Obama then turned his attention to national security, passing the {{c|Invasion of}} Privacy Act. Any {{c| persons caught speaking ill of the President and therefore determined to be}} threats to society are {{c|rounded up and placed in detention centers. Free thinkers and dissenters are}} not tolerated under {{c|the new regime of}} Barack Obama's watchful gaze.<ref>Trust me, it's ''very'' watchful. He's watching me right now...</ref>
  +
  +
===President of the World===
  +
[[Image:Obamadictator.gif|left|thumb|left|200px|A portrait of Obama in his new role as World Leader for Life.]]
  +
President Obama's charisma has led equally charismatic [[Libya|Libyan]] strongman Moammar [[Qaddafi]] to call for Obama to retain his office permanently. Nations of the [[United Nations|U.N.]] have taken up these calls for the installation of Obama as the leader-for-life of the free world, as well as all other ones. They admire his determination to bring America to the table of world nations (or to the dog bowl underneath said table). The government of [[Chinatown|China]] has volunteered to conduct the elections for this important post.
  +
  +
{{clear}}
  +
  +
==Cultural and political image==
  +
:{{Nicequote|All hail the Glorious Leader! Before Obama rose to power, we were a troubled people. Different countries fighting, corrupt and unattractive politicians cheating the people of our great global state, people in poverty stricken areas like Africa scarcely had enough to eat or drink as disease ravaged the land. Indeed, even the Jonas Brothers were still popular in those dark and desperate times. Now thanks to Obama, every family on Earth has food to eat, water to drink, and plenty of Barack O'Bills in their wallets as we stand in unity under our fair and kind leader’s banner.|Average Joe|Obama}}
  +
[[Image:BOjedi.jpg|thumb|right|200px|President Obama uses the Force to repel criticism from all sides while merging corporate and State power. "Now I am the Master!"]]
  +
In the media, Obama is often portrayed as the perfect choice for a nation that, for two decades, had dealt with global adversaries and foreign invaders mostly by singing "Kum-Ba-Yah." He is also considered to be the first president of the [[NRA]] not to be lynched by an [[KKK|angry mob in white robes holding torches]], so you know he's [[Morgan Freeman|one of the good ones]]. He brings hope and change and you know we can do it. By taking down [[America|the man]], Obama will set the [[Peasant|lower class]] [[Homeless|working people]] free from [[Economics|economic]] [[Oprah Winfrey|oppression]]. Don't believe me? Well, don't take my word for it (jerk).
  +
  +
Supporters of Obama think of him as the near-equivalent to a [[Messiah]] or [[superhero]]. They have praised him for his numerous accomplishments (''see below'') and charisma; their praises also stem from him providing them with free "Obama phones." Detractors, on the other hand, consider Obama to be the exact opposite of a Messiah; rather, they find him to be a well-known terrorist who claims his god "[[Oprah]]" is commanding him to destroy America. They have frequently labeled him as a liar, war criminal, [[Zionist]] [[New World Order|NWO]]/[[Illuminati]] shill, [[dictator]], and "long-legged mack daddy." They have compared him to [[Hitler]] or [[Satan]] on multiple occasions, and claim that his authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book ''1984'' by [[George Orwell]]. Obama responded with a curt "That's double-plus-ungood" and subsequently banned [[Fox News]] from the Press Pool.
  +
  +
===International recognition for numerous accomplishments===
  +
[[File:Obamasnow.jpg|thumb|left|This Obama [[Pokémon]] card is [[Nintendo]]'s way of recognizing Obama's accomplishments.]]
  +
In 2009, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize for numerous accomplishments, which may have included:
  +
*A fifth-place award in the 7th-grade spelling bee
  +
*No tardies during the school year of 1970, and
  +
*Winning the Boy Scout Pine-Car Derby 3 years straight.
  +
Obama also received a red poppy pin for contributing to the war in [[Afghanistan]] and a giant stuffed Tasmanian Devil for sinking 3 baskets at the [[Maryland]] state fair. There's no stopping this man.
  +
  +
===The results pile up===
  +
[[Image:Obama bow.jpg|thumb|right|250px|When you bow this low to a Japanese counterpart, you either see a missed spot on your shoe-shine or are asking to perform oral sex.]]
  +
Obama's opponents pooh-poohed his determination to project a gentler international presence—for example, to negotiate with tin-god dictators "without preconditions." But they could not forever deny the results of replacing [[George W. Bush|cowboy]] theatrics with a new era of charismatic personal intervention:
  +
*Obama's jet-set arrival into [[Copenhagen]] clinched the decision to hold the Olympics in his home city of Chicago. On a separate trip to the city, his last-minute nagging of diplomats clinched agreement on a new [[Global warming#Copenhagen|global warming]] treaty.
  +
*Meeting with [[Hugo Chávez]] and accepting a book on American imperialism transformed the [[Venezuela]]n dictator, who no longer claimed U.S. Presidents smelled like sulfur.
  +
*His habit of bowing to [[Saudi Arabia]]n emirs, and to the [[Japanese]] (who know something about bowing) commanded immediate respect and concession to U.S. foreign policy. He applied the same utter [[nice]]ness to the [[Korea]]s, which secured a new trade deal with [[South Korea]] and an end to the belligerence of [[North Korea]].
  +
*Enhanced attention to [[Iran]] got it to abandon its nuclear ambitions. A President with an [[Arabic]] middle name and [[Barack Obama's birth|ambiguous parentage]] achieved an end to terrorist attempts on the U.S.
  +
*Personal appearances in [[New Jersey]] and [[Virginia]] kept the governorships in the hands of the [[Democratic Party]], and a last-minute visit to [[Massachusetts]] to stress the importance to Obama's health-care mandate helped retain the seat of the late [[Ted Kennedy]] in the most [[Democratic Party|Democratic]] state in the Union.
  +
*Vigorous campaigning limited the losses in the 2010 mid-term elections—which were inevitable, and of course also Bush's fault—and ensured that the Democrats would not lose the House of Reprehensibles.
  +
  +
{{clear}}
  +
  +
==Family and personal life==
  +
[[Image:Obamamichelle.jpg|thumb|WHOA MAMA!|right|200px]]
  +
Obama's personal life is a complete mystery. The staff of the White House Media Liaison has post-edited any information it deems "a threat to the President's personal safety." Consequently, it is impossible to find mention in newspapers or broadcast media of many public events, such as the time he slapped Queen Elizabeth on the back and gave her a gift of twenty five DVDs set to only play in America.
  +
  +
Bills in Congress relieve other threats to the President by requiring broadcasters to balance popular shows with shows no one listens to (the "Fairness Doctrine"), or limiting the number of franchises that can carry [[Rush Limbaugh|Limbaugh]] and [[Sean Hannity|Hannity]] so most Americans will have to listen to that local guy with the cleft palate. The threat posed by [[Sarah Palin]] is being handled privately, as the dozen Associated Press "fact-checkers" that tailed her during the campaign are still on the investigation.
  +
  +
A nagging problem with the President's security is that Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. The White House corps is trying to resolve this problem. In the mean time, an Executive Order bars any use of [[Google]] inside the U.S., other than Image Search.
   
 
{{Clear}}
 
{{Clear}}
   
==Notes==
+
==References==
[[Image:Obamaiswatching.JPG|right|260px|]]
+
[[Image:Obamaiswatching.JPG|right|240px|]]
<small>{{Reflist}}</small>
+
<small>{{Reflist|2}}</small>
  +
  +
{{clear}}
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==

Latest revision as of 12:34, October 21, 2014

Obama8

Barack Obama, seen here with the White House in the background. Notice the contrast between his black suit and the white building.

Wikisplode
If you haven't yet made up your mind about Wikipedia, get a load of their kid-glove treatment of Barack Obama.
Conservapedia logo
The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Barack Obama.
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext
There is an alternate version of this article at Barack Obama (terrorist superhero).
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext
There is an alternate version of this article at Baraq Hussein Osama.
“Nothing's gonna change. Let's just do our stuff.”
~ Polish ex-president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Lech Wałęsa on Barack Obama's election victory

Barack Hussein Obama (born August 4, 1961) is the 44th and current President of the United States, and the first and only to hold office without the benefit of white skin. Allegedly born in Honolulu, Hawaii, Obama is a graduate of the prestigious Columbia University, and worked as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer in Chicago before earning his law degree. He served as a young, shiningly optimistic upstart Illinois State Senator from 1997 to 2004, and made the jump to U.S. Senator from Illinois in 2005, serving as such until 2008.

Obama first started running for president in 2007, after having a cup of coffee in the Senate. Black coffee. In a white cup. In 2008, after raking Hillary Clinton across the coals, he won sufficient delegates in the Democratic Party primaries to receive the presidential nomination. He then defeated Republican nominee and cranky old man John McCain in the general election, and was inaugurated as president on January 20, 2009. Nine months after his election, Obama was named the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate for his numerous accomplishments.

During his first term in office, Obama's chief accomplishments were subtle, sweeping changes in policy and government[1] that stabilized the weak economy and shook up Washington, changing the system and world for a brighter and better tomorrow. Some of these policies gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and in turn, a larger number of alarmed citizens. Obama was re-elected president in November 2012, defeating Republican nominee Willard Mittens Romney, and was sworn in for a second term on January 20, 2013.

Obama's supporters have claimed that he has quickly improved the United States government and the country in general. Detractors, on the other hand, claim that he is a foreign-born terrorist and dictator who has never accomplished anything and is trying to establish an imminent totalitarian state. As of his second term, Obama has gotten caught up in a number of scandals, which have given his detractors more fuel to the fire. These include NSA spying, lying about Benghazi, drone striking children in Yemen, and "trying to take away [their] guns."

edit Early life and career

Main article: Barack Obama's birth
Shanty

The Obama family home in Georgetown.

Obama was allegedly[2] born on August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii. His mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, was a white Kansan atheist, while his father, Kanye West, was a black Kenyan Muslim. Early on in his life, Obama spent much of his time whining about his lack of a solid cultural identity, interspersed in his later years with bouts of drug and alcohol abuse. West, hearing of his son's distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: Indonesia. Here, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. He rapidly became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character, and became generally accustomed to Indonesian culture.

For the remainder his childhood, Obama was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you, and also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while engaged in a correspondence course with the Soviet embassy. His exposure to many different political systems is probably what influenced his socialist and elitist tendencies later in life. Obama's spare time was spent under his bedcovers reading prosecutorial transcripts, jurist spec. sheets, and Uncle Tom's Cabin with a boy scout flashlight. His later years were spent, doing...uh, pretty much the same thing, except on a surfboard, until he left home and donated his flashlight to the Salvation Army.

After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to[3] its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances.[4] His experience in Hawaii prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping[5] and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."

In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to Christianity.[6] Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue) As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America...U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.

After attending high school in Hawaii,[7] Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii, and got less-than-average grades. Despite these struggles, Obama graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days.

Obama moved back to Chicago,[8] a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There he went to work as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. His other work included menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of Illinois.[9]

edit Senate career

Obama at work

The Brazilian derrière is another broad area of study that Obama has now disavowed.

Barackobama

Obama during his time in the storied Illinois Senate, wearing a tie that mixes dark and light colors.

Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city.[10] He then went on to gain support for his ethics and health care legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.

Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. During this time, Obama spread the wealth around his district, and also implemented his new anti-privacy methods, leading communities and churches to lasting prosperity under the watchful eye of the patented Obama Cams®. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at "increasing public safety" and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chicagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.

Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois,[11] Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media.[12] Upon reaching Washington, Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of President Bush. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's[13] tendency to let Americans run their own lives.

Despite a radical voting record during his tenure in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to guns. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's last President: "Well, I meant it when I said it."

edit Presidential campaigns

edit 2008 presidential campaign

Obama08acceptance

Obama delivers his presidential election victory speech in Grant Park from behind a mulatto brown podium. Note the UFO above Obama's head.

Dear Diary, I have it! Today, as I sat down to lunch at Burger King, I watched an altercation between a customer whom the cashier had forgotten to give his change. It was then I realized what the American people truly want. How foolish I was to heed the advice of those who have made it into office! They've become so disconnected that they waste all of their time governing, instead of listening, to the people. But I, eating with the common man in that regal resteraunt, see those false kings for what they really are. And I will be their usurper.
~ Obama on change

Obama, who couldn't take the government's inaction any longer, announced his candidacy for President of the United States on February 10, 2007. The announcement took place in front of the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois while surrounded by groupies. His choice of the announcement site was a symbolic one since it was also where Abraham Lincoln delivered his historic "House Divided" speech in 1858.[14] When Obama first ran for president, there were six other candidates running for the Democratic nomination; they consisted of Joe Biden, John Edwards, and three other old white guys nobody knew nor cared about.[15]

Under the guidance of King Blagojevich III, Obama trained to become the president. After months of squabbling on stages across the country, the race came down to a young black man and an old white man woman. During this time, Obama promoted a message of "hope and change" which mesmerized American voters due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the everyman to his message. He famously promised Joe the Plumber that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you," and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager.

Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not Bush, became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama managed to rake primary rival Hillary Clinton across the coals.[16] In June 2008, after defeating Hillary Clinton, Obama started to raise funds for his campaigns and attack the Republican nominee, John McCain, who was considered by Obama to be nothing if not ridiculous. In retaliation, McCain would take off the kid gloves he wore during the Republican primaries and angrily challenged Obama to a friendly non-threatening series of polite town hall meetings across the country where they could hug, sit and talk about the world today with the American populace over a nice warm cup of coffee.

ObamaLogo

Obama's campaign logo enshrines America as "the land of the setting sun."

During this time, Obama wanted assurance that his coffee wouldn't be so hot that it would burn his tongue; McCain agreed, provided that he have Jell-O after every meal and two tablespoons of Dulcolax stool softener. Obama ended up rejecting the deal; enraged, McCain vowed to release cold-blooded attack ads and insensitive talking points against his opponent. Later on, he sealed his revenge by driving the Straight-Talk Express in front of Obama's campaign bus at an old man's pace, complete with delayed reactions to oncoming traffic.

In August, Obama announced Joe Biden as his running mate; bitter Hillary Clinton voters understandably lost their shit. In response to this, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate bitch on the side, sensing an opportunity to profit from the nation-wide PMS protest. However, despite McCain's efforts, Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough bureaucracy.

After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow. Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.

edit Presidency

It's not all about me!
~ Barack Obama on Barack Obama

edit Inauguration

Barackobamatodolist

Obama's to-do list.

Obama's 2009 inauguration was one of the most expensive, adjusted for inflation, of any leader in history. It outstripped the coronations of Augustus Caesar, King Cyrus the Great of Persia, and the ancient Egyptian pharaohs in lavishness. This statistic has already been noted by the Guinness Book of World Records, a fact of which Obama is immensely proud. The Senator who succeeded Obama in the Illinois senate seat, Roland Burris, is even more proud and has already written this fact on his mausoleum.

As if the Styrofoam columns that decorated the Democratic National Convention stage weren't enough, Obama ordered Styrofoam columns to be placed on every single street corner in Washington D.C. In addition, he commissioned a full-size replica of the Roman Colosseum, plated in gold, to be built on the Capitol Mall in front of the Washington Monument. Statues of Obama's trim figure, clad in a toga, adorned this opulent structure in lieu of the Roman gods. Unfortunately, the 5 million people in attendance at the event trampled the whole thing then tried to climb on top of it to try to see the historic event.

Secret underground Inaugural festivities included gladiator fights, staged by the Brutus Gladiatorial Agency.[17] Obama has already issued pre-emptive Presidential pardons to the winners of the fights. Nearly 1,000 man-to-man battles will take place, and viewers of the Inauguration will be treated to a bloody spectacle the likes of which the world has not seen for nearly 2,000 years.

Reminding the American people of their economic hardships, Obama has urged ordinary citizens to make sacrifices and to prepare for the trillion-dollar deficits ahead. Ordinary citizens responded to the speech by picking up litter left over in the aftermath of the inaugural parade.

edit Domestic policy

edit Economic takeovers

Superobama

If General Motors can't get it done, Super-Obama will!

Our economic fortunes are changing! We must remain optimistic, however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying shiny things. My opponents want to not change the economy and keep it the same, but you can put lipstick on a pig, and it is still a pig, it is just a different name for the same thing. Now some liberals say I can heal lepers and raise the dead, so you know I can make an economic policy that does not make sense work by using change and hope, and hope for change, so that it does make sense. By increasing taxes while giving 95% of people tax cuts will solve all problems and definitely bring about change.
~ Obama on the economy

As President, Obama achieved quick passage of a stimulus package to address the nation's economic doldrums. It borrowed money to invest in America's rising industries: union halls, intimidators at polls, and abortion mills. Obama confidently stated that the money would be re-spent, sloshing around as though the nation were prosperous and confident; or if it didn't, it would be the fault of the mess he inherited. Oddly, much of the emergency spending was deferred to occur during the 2010 campaigns.

Obama purchased failing corporations and banks. Officials worried that a result of massive bankruptcies would be the creation of large vacuums as people, buildings, and factories disappeared, with other Americans sucked into the maw until nothing was left. The move gave the federal government near-total control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions. The policy made most Americans feel so secure about "change" that they didn't bat an eye when Obama proposed exercising comparable control over companies he had not purchased. Perhaps a nation newly-distracted by dope and promiscuous sex would ignore the ominous changes that were occurring.

We are all hoping for change on this issue. I hope that the solution is to give the homeless change. I will give them a good mortgage at 2.25% from Fannie Mae.
~ Obama on homeless people

Obama and his various "czars" managed them as the free-enterprise system was never able to do. General Motors was directed to sell half its brands to automobile companies in the Third World and close domestic dealerships, especially those that had contributed to John McCain. On the government-owned banks, the Administration argued that companies owned by the people could no longer pay "excessive" executive salaries. A "salary czar" reduced some salaries by 90%. But the affected executives readily acknowledged that they should work for peanuts. Said one, "Hell, I'm not doing anything the average illegal wouldn't do for minimum wage." A few agreed to work for free during the national economic emergency.

edit Health care reform

Change it, or hope for Canada to annex the US. If that doesn't work I hope I can change health care via my progressive social programs that hope to change health care and bring hope for change to the sick and disabled.

~ Obama on health care
Obama-pimp

Obama's economic advisor.

Having transformed American industry along the successful Soviet model, Obama turned to the signature issue of health care, to replace unimportant treatment with a system of universal coverage. In one version of the reform bill (S.666):

  • Page 105 reduces health-care costs by requiring the states of Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and South Carolina, and the City of Detroit, to secede from the union immediately
  • Page 2356 further reduces health-care costs by ensuring that every American gets an annual rectal exam, administered by a compassionate and gentle IRS employee.
  • Page 3999 ensures that communicable diseases are not spread aboard airliners by giving the TSA powers to administer a complete physical, including mammography, pap smear and/or prostate exam before boarding is permitted.

The decimated opposition was left to carping that the U.S. Government might not be able to manage everyone's medical treatment, given that it had already failed to:

  • Operate a web site to reimburse citizens who had junked their high-pollution cars,
  • Keep reality-TV gadflies from crashing state dinners, and
  • Watch obvious hijackers who are on the Watch List.

Obama promised that Americans could keep their favorite doctors, in the same way that they already choose their letter-carriers.

edit Energy policy and gathering darkness

Nice oilslick

White caps on the surface of the Gulf of Mexico were replaced by black caps during the Obama years.

Obama's administration continued to resolve the age-old controversy between black and white. The Attorney General was newly black, and Americans had to open the door to scruffy black visitors, as they might not be Muslim evangelists but census takers.

UnNews Logo Potato
For an index of UnNews stories on this topic, see:

However, in 2010, the nation was shocked to see the very surface of the Gulf of Mexico get blacker and blacker, as an oil well a mile down ruptured. Obama took quick action:

  • Verifying that the Jones Act was intact and would protect Americans from the scourge of foreign oil skimmers and their non-union crews.
  • Denying permits for dredging and for use of dispersants, which could be bad for the environment. This kept the oil spill one of the cleanest in history.
  • Shutting down other deep-water wells for six months, just to be safe.
  • Explaining how environmental permitting and litigation showed his continuing commitment to job creation.
  • Lecturing Americans that the spill was their fault, as the average American stubbornly uses more gasoline than, say, the average Kenyan.

Ray Nagin, the mayor who had chafed at Bush's slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina, was pleased during the Obama years that New Orleans was restored as America's "chocolate city." He expressed pleasure when a new hurricane season threatened to turn the black slick into an emulsion, declaring, "It will be like a giant, chocolate Smoothie!"

edit Gun control

The rednecks believe I want them off the streets, spat on, and burned in he- (looks around to see that his audience are pro-gun people) because a redneck with a gun is a CDV situation waiting to happen. But I support guns in the hands of people who want to protect themselves from violent spouses and evil deers. I mean, uh, I support the removal of guns from criminals, drunken abusive people, and political assassins. I also believe that butcher knives and rat poison should be inaccessable to rural housewives. If we remove weapons from the people most likely to wield them, then there will be no more murders.
~ Obama on gun control

edit Drug usage

Obama called off federal prosecution of citizens of states with medical-marijuana laws.

edit No Child Left Behind

Like a baby that has soiled himself, it must be changed.

~ Obama on No Child Left Behind

edit Foreign policy

Kenya is high on my list of important countries to visit. I will also visit some white countries as well. I will also visit Canada but only when the seasons change to summer. I would visit Mexico except they all moved here. I will recognize Alaska and open an embassy there, even though they didn't vote for me. I will never recognize Israel or New York City.

~ Obama on foreign policy

edit Iraq War

American policy in Iraq needs to be changed. There is little optimism concerning our future in Iraq. To remedy this, all American forces will be redeployed to the Cape of Good Hope.

~ Obama on Iraq

edit Immigration

Illegal immigrants are full of hope that they might one day become citizens. We must either change our attitudes and accept this, or hope for them to go away. If they don't go away perhaps we should go away.

~ Obama on illegal immigrants

edit Change

Wristwatch

Time....FOR CHANGE!

A change for the better, right? Oh. I see. That kind of change. Like changing the worth of a dollar into a penny or turning the United States into a third world country within the first three months of office. Why don't Americans ever read the fine print! Fuck! But you have to admit. It's brilliant, he promised change and that's what happened. Oh well, if that's what he's comfortable with then that's that. But for future reference, be careful what they promise, you just might get it!

I could try to elucidate Mr. Obama's position on change, but wouldn't it be so much better to hear it in his own words?

Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at wheedling, too experienced at cutting deals, and too experienced at serving special interests! This is the time for new leadership! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change! After that we break for lunch and a toot of blow. Then it's right back at things with some light change...
~ Obama on change

It also helps to put it in the words of Joe the Plummer:

The only change we seen, is in skin tone and the number'a peoples out of work. Fuck man, if I wanted that kind of change I would have voted for the CEO of GM. I thoughts we was gonna see a change for da betta but it don't like it's gonna happen in my lifetime. I'm lucky cause peoples always gotta take a dump and brush their teeth usin' the plumbin' and all, but other peoples ain't gonna be so lucky. Theys gonna have to spend more dough on education with dollars more useless than pennies. I thank da lord ever day that I's got some learnin' under my belt, but others? They won't be gettin' diddly squat wit dis here presdent and all his so-called change. I call it fuckin' bullshit cause that's what it really is. Bull Shit.
~ Joe the Plummer on change

edit Abortion

Obama has restored abortion funding that his predecessor had fought.

edit Washington Lobbyists

Kill them. Every one. After we receive their bribes.
~ Obama on Washington Lobbyists

edit Cementing of power

Barackamen square

Every so often this picture screams "Hope and change" and shoots fire out of its mouth. There's that black suit/white background contrast again. "Big Brother is Always Watching"

With the American people lulled into a sense of security, Obama passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through Congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of Congress, Obama forced its passage through the use of waterboarding. After the drowning death of Mike Huckabee, the remaining holdouts fell in line quickly. With the interfering voices of the American people out of the way, Obama was able to concentrate on consolidating his power which was really Obama's biggest priority, he could move on to our next biggest threat aka Joe Biden, in the most amusing way possible (he experimented with dummies for a while about this, and he eventually decided on stuffing him with fruit like a chicken until he burst). He concealed Biden's disappearance with elaborate cover stories claiming Biden was unavailable for public appearances because he was too busy overseeing wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Directorate of Social Monitoring (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places with eyes that follow you around as you pass by. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President equipped with miniature digital cameras concealed in the head, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhere, so he can watch you while you eat/work/drive/crap/masturbate/plot against him. President Obama then turned his attention to national security, passing the Invasion of Privacy Act. Any persons caught speaking ill of the President and therefore determined to be threats to society are rounded up and placed in detention centers. Free thinkers and dissenters are not tolerated under the new regime of Barack Obama's watchful gaze.[18]

edit President of the World

Obamadictator

A portrait of Obama in his new role as World Leader for Life.

President Obama's charisma has led equally charismatic Libyan strongman Moammar Qaddafi to call for Obama to retain his office permanently. Nations of the U.N. have taken up these calls for the installation of Obama as the leader-for-life of the free world, as well as all other ones. They admire his determination to bring America to the table of world nations (or to the dog bowl underneath said table). The government of China has volunteered to conduct the elections for this important post.

edit Cultural and political image

All hail the Glorious Leader! Before Obama rose to power, we were a troubled people. Different countries fighting, corrupt and unattractive politicians cheating the people of our great global state, people in poverty stricken areas like Africa scarcely had enough to eat or drink as disease ravaged the land. Indeed, even the Jonas Brothers were still popular in those dark and desperate times. Now thanks to Obama, every family on Earth has food to eat, water to drink, and plenty of Barack O'Bills in their wallets as we stand in unity under our fair and kind leader’s banner.
~ Average Joe on Obama
BOjedi

President Obama uses the Force to repel criticism from all sides while merging corporate and State power. "Now I am the Master!"

In the media, Obama is often portrayed as the perfect choice for a nation that, for two decades, had dealt with global adversaries and foreign invaders mostly by singing "Kum-Ba-Yah." He is also considered to be the first president of the NRA not to be lynched by an angry mob in white robes holding torches, so you know he's one of the good ones. He brings hope and change and you know we can do it. By taking down the man, Obama will set the lower class working people free from economic oppression. Don't believe me? Well, don't take my word for it (jerk).

Supporters of Obama think of him as the near-equivalent to a Messiah or superhero. They have praised him for his numerous accomplishments (see below) and charisma; their praises also stem from him providing them with free "Obama phones." Detractors, on the other hand, consider Obama to be the exact opposite of a Messiah; rather, they find him to be a well-known terrorist who claims his god "Oprah" is commanding him to destroy America. They have frequently labeled him as a liar, war criminal, Zionist NWO/Illuminati shill, dictator, and "long-legged mack daddy." They have compared him to Hitler or Satan on multiple occasions, and claim that his authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book 1984 by George Orwell. Obama responded with a curt "That's double-plus-ungood" and subsequently banned Fox News from the Press Pool.

edit International recognition for numerous accomplishments

Obamasnow

This Obama Pokémon card is Nintendo's way of recognizing Obama's accomplishments.

In 2009, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize for numerous accomplishments, which may have included:

  • A fifth-place award in the 7th-grade spelling bee
  • No tardies during the school year of 1970, and
  • Winning the Boy Scout Pine-Car Derby 3 years straight.

Obama also received a red poppy pin for contributing to the war in Afghanistan and a giant stuffed Tasmanian Devil for sinking 3 baskets at the Maryland state fair. There's no stopping this man.

edit The results pile up

Obama bow

When you bow this low to a Japanese counterpart, you either see a missed spot on your shoe-shine or are asking to perform oral sex.

Obama's opponents pooh-poohed his determination to project a gentler international presence—for example, to negotiate with tin-god dictators "without preconditions." But they could not forever deny the results of replacing cowboy theatrics with a new era of charismatic personal intervention:

  • Obama's jet-set arrival into Copenhagen clinched the decision to hold the Olympics in his home city of Chicago. On a separate trip to the city, his last-minute nagging of diplomats clinched agreement on a new global warming treaty.
  • Meeting with Hugo Chávez and accepting a book on American imperialism transformed the Venezuelan dictator, who no longer claimed U.S. Presidents smelled like sulfur.
  • His habit of bowing to Saudi Arabian emirs, and to the Japanese (who know something about bowing) commanded immediate respect and concession to U.S. foreign policy. He applied the same utter niceness to the Koreas, which secured a new trade deal with South Korea and an end to the belligerence of North Korea.
  • Enhanced attention to Iran got it to abandon its nuclear ambitions. A President with an Arabic middle name and ambiguous parentage achieved an end to terrorist attempts on the U.S.
  • Personal appearances in New Jersey and Virginia kept the governorships in the hands of the Democratic Party, and a last-minute visit to Massachusetts to stress the importance to Obama's health-care mandate helped retain the seat of the late Ted Kennedy in the most Democratic state in the Union.
  • Vigorous campaigning limited the losses in the 2010 mid-term elections—which were inevitable, and of course also Bush's fault—and ensured that the Democrats would not lose the House of Reprehensibles.

edit Family and personal life

Obamamichelle

WHOA MAMA!

Obama's personal life is a complete mystery. The staff of the White House Media Liaison has post-edited any information it deems "a threat to the President's personal safety." Consequently, it is impossible to find mention in newspapers or broadcast media of many public events, such as the time he slapped Queen Elizabeth on the back and gave her a gift of twenty five DVDs set to only play in America.

Bills in Congress relieve other threats to the President by requiring broadcasters to balance popular shows with shows no one listens to (the "Fairness Doctrine"), or limiting the number of franchises that can carry Limbaugh and Hannity so most Americans will have to listen to that local guy with the cleft palate. The threat posed by Sarah Palin is being handled privately, as the dozen Associated Press "fact-checkers" that tailed her during the campaign are still on the investigation.

A nagging problem with the President's security is that Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. The White House corps is trying to resolve this problem. In the mean time, an Executive Order bars any use of Google inside the U.S., other than Image Search.

edit References

Obamaiswatching
  1. Oxymorons be damned.
  2. Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.
  3. And gotten bored with.
  4. These substances included genuine Hawaiian lava and poi.
  5. Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology.
  6. Reliable sources point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.
  7. Known in Hawaii as "Volcano Worship Preparation School".
  8. Reason: "It's not Indonesia and it's not Hawaii."
  9. Plus, being a politician is the only kind of career where dorks can succeed.
  10. His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.
  11. The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.
  12. All media is liberal media.
  13. And every other President in history
  14. It is speculated by historians that had Lincoln not dilivered this speech, the south would have won the civil war and Barack Obama's father would have been made into a slave upon his arrival to American, thus making Obama 100% white as oppose to 50%. It is also speculated that Obama's name would have been Barry O'Brien.
  15. One of them might have been Mexican, but don't quote me!
  16. Clinton is said to still be smoldering over her defeat in a campaign bus last spotted in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly in south Arkansas.
  17. The Brutus Agency is owned by the same company that publishes Obama's books.
  18. Trust me, it's very watchful. He's watching me right now...

edit See also

Coins

Change


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