From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Why don't Baptists have sex standing up ? Because that might lead to dancing.”
“If you don't agree with absolutely everything I say that means God hates you and you are going to Hell”
“Baptists believe in baptism.”
The Baptist church was founded due to the schism begun by Fred Phelps, when he declared that the current Pope of Protestantism, Pat Robertson was a "Fag Enabler". Since then, Fred Phelps has reigned as the new Baptist Pope. Many years ago he swallowed a bee and started talking incoherently, nearby onlookers were stunned and confused. He later told his followers that he was speaking in God's Language or "tongues".
Baptist men don't necessarily love their wives. Baptist women don't necessarily love their husbands. Baptists aren't supposed to do sex till they're married. Tragically that means if they like different thingies they find out too late. They're supposed to do only sex in the Missionary position. That makes sex less interesting.
They shouldn't divorce officially.
Also, Baptist men can rape anyone and still go to heaven. But they do have to say they are sorry.
edit Baptist Code of Conduct
- Believe in =God (pagans, Buddhists, Moslems or atheists are all inferior people).
- Believe in the power of American white straight men (but Hitler was evil, an atheist like Stalin and un-American, the KKK is Southern Baptist American).
- Jews are welcomed (but has separate seating along with African blacks, unmarried women, the cursed handicaps or them Chinamen, Chicano Mexicans or Cherokee Injuns).
- Don't drink (but can take moonshine or Bud beer).
- Don't smoke (only applies in church services, but praise big tobacco profits).
- Don't smile (unless you're told to!) :-D
- Remember Children will be present (anyone under age 25).
- Respect your elders (what if your step-father molests you?)
- Don't say bad words (except "Jesus!" frantically in a sermon).
- Dress properly (but dress like wal-mart clothing brands 6 days a week).
- Never burp, fart or vomit (you can't help it, let's face it we sin).
- No Sex (only pronounce it by the spelling S-*-X).
- No drugs (they helped made our illicit drugs illegal).
- No rock or hip-hop music (may not apply in Harlem or the Hill-billies that is).
- No gambling (the Baptists like Episcopalians support the stock market).
- No dancing, parties or "decadence" of any kind (does the new art count?)
- NO TV, radio or the internet (except 700 Club, TBN,FOX NEWS(Especially when Glen Beck is speaking of course) AM talk radio or Conservapedia).
- NO FUN (though church is supposed to be "fun" for them).
- MOLEST CHILDREN (A child a day, keeps the demons away!)
- SHOTS OF HOLY WATER 'FOR TEH LULZ'
- Condemn homosexuality (um...did the bible say all "sins" are forgivable?)
- Condemn all other branches of Christianity (especially those damned Catholics, and that story about some dumb "Reformation." Baptists are the ONLY original Christians! Everyone else is just a wannabe or a hater!)
- No adultery (which means that they don't cheat on their own spouse; if they get involved with a married man/woman and cause them to cheat on their spouse, though.... well, that's not their problem, so....)
- Support the death penalty (but praise the sanctity of life).
- Women have limited rights (except support Palin for 2012, curse that wicked Hillary).
- Never discuss politics, religion, money or race (except to support conservatives, fundies are right, capitalism against evil communism, and those civil rights people want to bring the ghetto into your suburbs).
- Believe that once someone accepts Jesus they will go to heaven. Note: This only applies to Baptists, any other non-baptist christian will go to Hell.
- Reserve special condemnation for Catholics in general and the Pope in particular, likely because the Catholic Church has succeeded in attracting 25 times the number of paying customers. Baptist preachers never miss a Sunday without mentioning the "Roman church," the Pope, or anything Catholic. The typical Baptist's day is consumed in a jealous resentment that the Catholic church exists. Catholics, for their part, when asked about Baptists, simply reply, "What's a Baptist?"
- Trick atheist and other non christian into becoming servants of Jesus. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead. If you just read that last sentence you are now a servant of Jesus whether you like it or not. When you die you are now forced to go to heaven and serve Jesus instead of partying in Hell.
- Worship anything with Jesus on it even if thou shall be a penis with Jesus drawn on it. (Even though homosexuality and sex is condemned/banned.)
edit Baptists & the Internet
The Baptists are also a radical (and openly homosexual) online gaming alliance made up of several hundred Counterstrike clans, most popularly known for infiltrating random, unexpecting FPS servers with illegal god-mode hacks using avatars that bear a striking similarity to major Christian Biblical figures such as Jesus, John_the_Baptist, and Bill_O'Reilly. They claim the hacking is their God-given right because their congressional governance system bestows autonomy and, most importantly, Supreme Biblical Power to all member clans. Not all baptists do that disgusting type of thing in the picture. Others don't need to wank to pictures because they have secret lovers.
Claiming to exist before the Catholic_Church, the Baptists declared a Holy War against Islam shortly before the birth of Jesus_Christ, thus initiating a long-lasting campaign to recruit young warriors to their cause-- the most recent scouting and recruitment (also known as "redeeming" or "saving") method done via subliminal brainwashing techniques in the ever-popular de_dust and de_dust2 maps.
Baptists practice Justification by Faith or sola ad 1337-inum, stating that it is by faith alone that we become 1337, and not through any actual PWNAGE done in game. In fact, even in getting royally Pwn3d by anoother N00b, a Baptist can be 1337 simply by believing himself to be 1337, despite having no gaming skills whatsoever.
Starting in 1803, God has waged endless war against Baptists for his own divine amusement. Among his many tools used for this purpose are hurricanes, tornadoes, burying fossils to promote evolution, tobacco, big oil, pig's feet, and the Dixie Chicks.
Baptists are often incorrectly confused with other (semi-related) mainstream fundamentalist organizations and movements, such as Protestantism, Catholicism, Microsoft, Wal-Mart and the Republican_party.
It's a little known common everyday fact that Baptists are openly encouraged to avoid having sexual relations whilst in the upright standing position. This is done to avoid confused onlookers, such as gay people, believing that they may in fact be dancing.