Banjo-Kazooie
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“So one day, when I had gotten so high on hookah that I nearly soiled myself, I discovered the game, and it changed my sexual orientation forever.”
“Hua hua hua hua hua, hua hua hua, hua hua. Hua hua hua hua hua hua. Hua hua hua hua, hua. Guh-huh!”
“Gruwawle koh koh gruwawle. Ahk ahk gruwawle koh, koh ahk koh gruwawle gruwawle. Bree!”
“Ho hina hanna ho hina hanna heena haana ho heena hanna ho hina hanna.”
“The Banjo is an Instrument!!”
Banjo-Kazooie can either refer to the Nintendo 64 game that swept the world by storm in the late 90s, or the team-up of the bear and bird incarnations of Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson, the fathers of our country who helped shape the government as we know it. Either way, Banjo-Kazooie is full acid trips and the gathering of "honey combs" and "musical notes", which represent cocaine and heroin, respectively. Jiggys are also collected. These are represented by puzzle pieces. They are actually however really large bags of weed.
Contents |
[edit] Plot
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When Banjo wakes up one morning, he finds that his slave girl, Tooty has been assassinated by a cross-dressing white supremacist named Gruntilda Winkybuttcrack.
Banjo then calls in his bird-like friend, Kazooie, to levy heavy taxes on the south (aka beat the shit out of 3D-generated talking gorillas and annoying-as-shit moles). Most of the rest of the game is spent gathering "energy" needed to defeat Hemming's killer, by garnering illegal drugs and snorting as much as possible.
At one point in the game, Banjo and Kazooie meet up with the crazed inventor, played by a semi-literate and heavily-stuttering fucktard mole named Bottles. By the end of the game, Bottles finds himself in a jail cell, where fans hope that he is ass-raped.
Kazooie likes playdough
[edit] Stop'N'Swop
A pointless bunch of painted eggs and a melted key that grant you nothing after spending numerous hours typeing in codes on a keyboard in the game that is twice Banjo's size. This resulted in numerous gang wars and World War XI.
[edit] Collecting Drugs
Most of the drug collecting in Banjo-Kazooie occurs when someone disembowels an enemy. The controls are simple to maneuver in this game, stealing and combining Halo 2 with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas to create the ultimate "shoot 'em up and give me yo' money, bitch" game. Often, Thomas Jefferson allow Kazooie to dry hump him, which creates "eggs" or sentient STD/drug fetuses, which can be aborted either through Hamilton's ass or Hamilton's mouth. Every walking vegetable is purely a creation of Banjo's doped up mind, so they can't actually hurt you. But if you keep running into them they will kill you.
[edit] Banjo-Tooty
After the award winning Banjo-Kazooie, the desingers thought that there was no way possible to improve this game. They then desided that for a sequel, they would swap Alexander Hamilton (Kazooie)for Sally Hemmings (Tooty) as Banjo's partner. The game was reviewed badly because of the fact that everyone had already played the shit out of the original and the lack of any point for those stupid eggs and key.
[edit] Stop'N'Swop
While the programers had intended to utilize Stop'n'Swop in Banjo-Tooty, they got drunk at the office one night and supposively deleted all of the data from the Game the night before the relase and then burned all notes regarding it. Fans How ever refuse to believe this due to the face the people who made the game spent to much time saying that there was something to do with it but there wasn't and now there will always be speculation. Some theories are....
1. You use a key to open a egg and create Banjo and Kazooie's son: Walter the Goose.
2. It is the Ice Key that turned Kazooie into a female bird. Being repeatedly shoved up his dickhole. Ouch.
3. You can chuck the eggs off a mountain after you open a door located in Banjo's buttcheeks.
4. Completing Stop N' Swop will lead to the rise of Cthulhu and the following fall of mankind.
5. Stop N' Swop is part of the Illuminati's masterplan to enlarge their penis.
6. The coloured eggs are actually the aborted, deformed sons that would have spawned from Banjo and Kazooie's intense sexual activity.
Tim and Chris Stamper recently left Rare, and little is known about what they're doing now. Some say that they've been kidnapped by the Russian Secret Services to reveal the horrible secrets behind Stop N' Swop.
[edit] Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Balls
There is not much to write here as nobody actually bought the game, people, (or should i say "humans") looked at the front cover and started to cry, some fans even took a crap on the box as they saw Banjo (smoking weed of course) had a square nose. Everyone thought it was because he had taken too much drugs, but it turned out to be a Microsoft shitty idea, renaming the game "Microsofts Shitty Attempt To Make A Banjo Game".
This game had Banjo running around collecting lego peices. He then gives them to Mumbo (who is also made of legos) so he can make some shit or something. This shit can be traded over Xbox Live to obtain other peoples shit as well. This was all thought up by a *cough*genius*cough* videogame developer named L.O.L. or in some countries F.A.G.
[edit] Stop'N'Swop
This game was actually programed to use this feature and give meaning to those eggs and that key. However, due to too many god-damned items in the game, the activation of the features is impossible. Any form of hacking makes a random adult run into the room, snap the disc in half, and masturbate in your face for hours on end, eventually tearing their penis off and shitting on the remains.
[edit] Fan Response
[edit] Spin Offs
Banjo and Kazooie have been featured in numerous spin offs since there peak after the sequal. All of which failled pretty hard.
[edit] Banjo-Bomber
This game put Banjo, Kazooie and friends to the test to see who would become the leader of his terroist group. The duo was put through a series a trials in which G.O.D.(aka Chuck Norris) would judge there skills in terrorism. The game was setup in board game fasion in an attempt to steal glory from Mario Party. This game has since banned in 72 states and 308 countries due to explicit content and numerous law suits.
This game resulted in the duo to not see another game for 8 years. George Bush believed that these two had actually been the ones to take a plane through the twin towers. This resulted in a embargo between America And England. This then lost Rare 69% of there 40 year old virgin fan base which resulted in the Bear and Bird going into hibernation.
[edit] Banjo-Cheesey
The main aim is to eat cheese or sell it for $60! This game had only one transformation in each world: a fucking rat(used to have sex with animals). This game was taken off the market after a week because it killed a lactous intollerant man.
This resulted in the selling of the Banjo-Kazooie lisense to american company Microsoft. This way fans (of Thomas Jefferson) could play the games again. Rare expects that in a few years, this game will make a spectacular comeback.This can kill the Mega Eurg
[edit] Kazooie-Banjo
When Kazooie wakes up one morning, she finds that her slave girl, Tooty has been assassinated by a cross-dressing white supremacist named Gruntilda Winkybuttcrack.
Kazooie then calls in her bear friend, Banjo, to levy heavy taxes on the south (aka beat the shit out of 3D-generated talking gorillas and annoying-as-shit moles). Most of the rest of the game is spent gathering "energy" needed to defeat Tooty's killer, by garnering illegal drugs and snorting as much as possible.
At one point in the game, Kazooie and Banjo meet up with the crazed inventor/semi-literate and heavily-stuttering fucktard mole named Bottles. By the end of the game, Bottles finds himself in a jail cell, where fans hope that he is ass-raped.
Sound familiar? Thats because it's Banjo-Kazooie with some minor changes.
[edit] Banjo-Cutie
A fan game in which Banjo goes around raping innocent Jinjos(that rape him back), Moles, Presidents, and various-inanimate-objects-with-googly-eyes. With each successful rape, Banjo earns more and more rep among his hommies who, in return, give him musical notes (weed) to open doors to more homes by giving him a "more appealing" look. This game resulted in Banjo going in for plastic surgery which resulted in his look in Nuts and Balls. It sold incredibly will in Russia, China and Japan where this shit is tolerated.
[edit] Trivia
- The only part of any game in video game history to include a copy of the Declaration of Independence and a copy of Get Rich or Die Tryin' in the same owner's manual.
- Ironically, while Thomas Jefferson was proficient in stringed instruments such as the banjo, Alexander Hamilton hated the kazoo. "I refuse to blow anyone or anything!" he once said to Aaron Burr. It was because of this quote (Aaron was a well-known brass instrument maker) that Hamilton was killed in a duel with Burr.
- "Hoo Ha Hummy" has become the fifty-fourth most used game quote, just behind "Do a Barrel Roll!" from Star Fox.
- Whenever Mumbo says "You need more Mumbo Tokens for Mumbo do magic. Stupid bear and bird come back later." There's a yiffy orgy.
- Every game has featured a form of Triva.
- Bottles needs to die. (and stay fucking dead this time)
