Bangladesh
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: "Ay Zaiga!" | |||||
| Anthem: Amar mattat bhoot? (Who stole my gold?) | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Shonar Bangla | ||||
| Previous capital | Ghoti'r Bangla (Under British India) | ||||
| Largest city | Sylhet | ||||
| Official languages | Bengali, English | ||||
| Government | Democratic | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Sheikh Hasho Kheno, Fad Mareesna, Mhukor Ghond | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Never from ITSELF (or corrupt politicians, for that matter) | ||||
| Currency | Gold coins (15th Century), Bhaat, Taka (devalued) | ||||
| Religion | Islam, Hinduism, Christianity, Buddhism, Animism, UFOlogy | ||||
| Population | 161.3 million on land, the rest underwater | ||||
| Area | Under or above water? | ||||
| Population density |  per sq. km
| ||||
| Ethnic groups | Bengali | ||||
| Major exports | Immigrants (legal and illegal) | ||||
| Major imports | Disease, famine, Floods | ||||
| (used with wildcard_name1) (wildcard - fill both | {{{wildcard_name1}}} | ||||
| (used with wildcard_name2) (wildcard - fill both) | {{{wildcard_name2}}} | ||||
| National animal | Bengal Tiger | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Happy Slapping | ||||
| Opening hours | Always open | ||||
| Internet TLD | .bn | ||||
| Calling code | +880 | ||||
“Actually, the only thing we can boast is the fact that we have got better cricket team than United States”
~ President Zillur Rahman on the feats achieved by Bangladesh
Previously beleived to be a fabled country where mythological aquatic creatures roamed, Bangladesh (Bengali: বাংলাদেশ) is now a place with a lot of people and a lot of problems. According to scientists, there are several reasons for this - Bangladesh is home to more people than Health and Safety would allow. This is quite surprising given that large chunks of this population are regularly eliminated by the country's most successful home-grown product: natural disasters. Cyclones, floods, famines, tornadoes, occasional earthquakes etc., Bangladesh has them all. It has even started up a nice sideline in mass arsenic poisoning thanks to contaminated ground water. On top of that, about a million Bangladeshis make an annual sacred pilgrimage to different countries of the world, but for some mysterious reason never return.
Bangladesh was previously owned by Pakistan, India and Republic of Agdedewanga, however after years of deaths from natural disasters and catastrophies, the race of people have managed to claim this land for themselves, holding on to independence for almost fifteen years now.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Beginnings
Legend says that all bengali's are direct descendents of Nemo, a legendary fish which swam the diameter of the world trying to get away from his fathers evil clutches. Its not clear when the actual transformation happened from fish to fisherman, however villages that lie deep in the forests and under some mud speak of a computer chip falling from the sky and entering a fish pie...not much else is known. Due to this legend, it is not uncommon to hear the words Fish and Bangladeshi interchangeably used, however studies have found that this does in fact cause offense to a certain breed of pink salmon, who were not pleased with the association.
Anyhow, Bangladesh itself would not exist for another 693 years after this event, the land having been occupied by Pakistan, Genghis, India and then a small African tribe that got lost while playing hide and seek. However, once the land had been made independent, the name Bangladesh was decided, the "Bangla" coming from the word "bungalow" and "desh" meaning "trout".
Although a harsh place to survive, the country thrived with both population growth and technological advances, reaching the bronze age as early as 1997.
[edit] Biriyarians
During the movement of plates in the 11th Century there was increase in Biriyarians (yes, the same ones from the Biryani Valley civilization), which lies at the north of Pakistan emerging in the Bengal. The country had initially imposed a restriction in the migration of the Biriyarians due to their diet, which composed of two helpings of biryanis daily, had this relaxed in exchange of training from the Pakistani Army General Akraam Saad. One of the farmers from the tribe, known as Bobos had once said "Biryani is our right, and for the Fish to try and limit our intake is against human rights".
There has been no known conflicts between the two civilizations, however with a limit in the availability of biryani in Bangladesh skirmishes may soon appear.
[edit] Empires
Through the times, the sovereignity of Bangladesh had been changed by various Empires which governed the watery land. After founding the Mongol Empire by uniting many of the nomadic tribes of northeast Asia, Genghis Khan, started the Mongol invasions and raids of the Bagwaz, CousCous, Khlamidea Empire, which included Western Salwar and Pakistani dynasties. In 1220, Genghis sent his most trusted group of soldiers, headed by Gen Kareshi, to Pakistan to negotiate the ownership of the land. Having been rejected, Genghis proclaimed war on Pakistan, taking hold of Bangladesh until his passing in 1227. Genghis was buried in an unmarked grave somewhere in the upper regions of Bangladesh at a location which is still unknown. Gen Kareshi retreated back to the Mongol shortly after the death, and his descendants stretched the length of the world, going on to open up take aways in Scotland.
Pakistan then resumed control of the region until the British invasion.
[edit] British India
Life was so bad for the Bengalis that when the British came along, they thought, "Ah, what the hell? They can't be much worse!" and languidly welcomed their invasion. The British rewarded their loyalty by making Kolkata the capital of British India. At this time, Bangladesh was still part of what was then called Bengal. However, a pucker English chap named Lord Curzon decided it would be a good idea to partition off Bengal into West Bengal and East Bengal. After India's liberation from Great Britain, East Bengal got partitioned off under the jurisdiction of Saint Pakistan and was renamed East Pakistan.
[edit] Pakistan
It turned out to be really easy for Pakistan to rule East Bengal. All of the natural resources, wealth, political power and cultural history existed in West Bengal (and continues to this day), so taking over the lowlife peasants of the east was a seamless process. For some inconceivably stupid reason, the Pakistanis tried to suppress the Bengali language and force everyone to learn and speak Urdu on a daily basis. They realized quickly that the Bengalis were so used do dying that they didn't care if the Pakistanis threatened them with death. The Pakistanis killed off the delinquent Bengalis, who then went off to stage an even bigger war against Pakistan.
[edit] Liberation
In 1971 the Pakistani army took a break from killing Indians in Kashmir to wage war on those pesky Bengalis instead. However, the attack was aborted early after the general in charge, Mohammed Khan Hussain Abdullah, decided any serious combat might ruin his rather cool hair do. He was also feeling insecure due to his belief that his name 'just wasn't Muslim-sounding enough'.
After finally getting their act together, the Paks attacked Dhaka, Chittagong and loads of other places I can't bother to remember the names of. Unfortunately, the ranks of the invading forces were badly depleted by the numbers of soldiers saying "sod it" and deserting to emigrate to Bradford, England. There they remain to this day and spend their time being irritated by the thousands of Sylheti Bangladeshis who followed them all the way to England just to annoy them.
Meanwhile, India invaded and defeated the Pakistanis, helped by the Bangladeshi guerrilla forces known as the Mukhti Bahini ("Freedom Force"). The Mukhti were splendid chaps, though somewhat hampered by their insistence on fighting in traditional Bangladeshi clothing (ragged white vest, lungi and flat-soled sandals). The white vests made them excellent targets for Pakistani snipers, and the lungis and sandals made it impossible to actually run quickly. This dress code turned out to be a bit of a handicap in the middle of pitched battles. They were led by a charming fellow called General Osmani ("General" was actually his first name, which was useful for his military career) who had no combat experience or tactical knowledge. He did, however, possess a superb mustache, and that was more than good enough. The Pakistanis, meanwhile, were led by General Tiger Niazi, who was called this because he literally WAS a tiger. He remained in a cage in central Dhaka throughout the conflict and would maul and/or eat any of his officers who approached him to ask for instructions. That was probably why Pakistan lost.
When Yahya Khan was almost certain of defeat, he waved his small pee-pee as a sign of surrender and was laughed at by Bangabandhu since his own pee-pee was double the size. This made Yahya Khan more insecure than ever and he committed suicide.
There are some commemorative memorials to the war in Dhaka, along with a couple of Pakistani tanks. One of these is at the entrance to the army cantoment, the other on the road leading to the airport. Bangladeshis innocently believe these tanks are memorials too. How wrong they are. They are actually still occupied by their now somewhat elderly Pakistani tank crews. These guys were so hardcore they refused to surrender in 1971 and have vowed to hold out till Judgement Day. Sneak up to one of the tanks, put your ear close to the armor, and you'll hear the faint sound of Punjabi cursing as these Pak diehards engage in yet another claustrophobia-induced quarrel.
[edit] Independence
Since the 1971 independence, wait a minute... what independence? Even if the Bangladeshis finally had independence from India and Pakistan, they still never gained independence from themselves. There have been many military coups (especially from Hossain Mohammad Ershad), and whenever there isn't one you have an extremely corrupt parliamentary dictatorship that makes life a living hell from everybody. In the present day, Bangladesh has a two-party rule where nothing ever gets done and everyone has every problem imaginable.
[edit] Geography
Bangladesh is surrounded on two sides by the evil nation of India, and the even more evil Myanmar. It is right above the most cyclone and pirate-infested bay of all, the Bay of Bengal, second only to the positively satanic Michael Bay. Bangladesh is filled with toxic waste dumps known as 'cities' and textile factories known as 'children's day care centres'. But it proudly preserves the longest continuous beach in the world named Cox's Bazaar, which includes a large museum called Bizarre Cocks. Bangladesh is also home to the largest mangrove forest in the world called the Sundarbans. Its people are very proud of this last fact, even though they avoid the forest like the plague because it is muddy and teeming with malaria-carrying mosquitoes, snakes, spiders and Bengal Tigers who hate humans (and have very good reason to do so).
Like New Orleans, Bangladesh is... oh, let me see... about 50 billion miles below sea level? Unlike New Orleans's population, during Bangladesh's floods its inhabitants can't just wait for the US army to show up and rescue them all. This is complicated further by the fact that Bangladeshis have a mortal fear of swimming. If you have a boat turning over at a shallow river, everyone in it will automatically drown instead of walking out of the water.
Bangladesh has a tropical climate, but because of all the damage done to the environment it has the following six seasons:
- Hot
- Dry
- Hot and Dry
- Monsoon
- Hot Monsoon
- Mosquito
Bangladesh has pristine forests - or forests that were pristine till five billion years ago - which are the natural habitat of the endangered Royal Bengal Tiger. Bangladesh's influential conservationist lobby is doing everything in its power to halt the depletion of the tigers' numbers. However, the country's even more influential anti-conservationist lobby has vowed to wipe out every single one of the blighters as soon as is humanly possible. By next year, there should be nothing but paw prints of tigers left behind as proof of their existence. And after the inevitable flood next year, even these will be gone.
Patriotic Bangladeshis will forever tell you that their country has a lot of natural resources. This is true. Unfortunately, most of them are actually 'human resources' (children slaving away in textile factories, women slaving away in the kitchen, men slaving away at drinking tea on the pavement). Its other main resource is jute, a commodity that has proved difficult to market to nearby countries due to the fact that "jute" means "lie" in India and Pakistan, and "dildo" in Myanmar.
The country is also abundant in natural gas. This runs everything in Bangladesh: buses, trucks, motor rickshaws, computers, tvs, phones, iPhones, aeroplanes, penis enlargement drugs, bicycles and people. However, it has no oil, so Bangladesh has to buy this by trading its two primary resources: natural gas and humans.
Bangladesh is also the world's largest supplier of flood water.
[edit] Foreign policy
Bangladesh realizes that it has a pathetic military and no real power to do anything, so it relies on heavy diplomacy.
Bangladesh has a strained relationship with India, though the inadvisedly named "FUCKYOUALL" train has begun running again from the capital, Dhaka, to the Indian city of Kolkatta. At one point Myanmar and Bangladesh had started to get along with each other, sharing a smoothie with two straws and even calling each other for dates. Unfortunately Bangladesh stopped calling when it found Myanmar with another, much sexier country, Cambodia. It was all very emotional.
Relations with the US have not gone well since Bangladesh called Bush a "dumbo" to which Bush replied "No I'm not! You are!" before storming off in a huff. Since Bangladesh is a Muslim country, it has strong connections with its other Muslim buddies (especially since it switched to Virgin Mobile). Unfortunately its closest ally, Iraq, didn't add Bangladesh to the top five on its speed dial list. Bangladesh, enraged, sent an e-mail to Bush about Iraq hiding WMDs and has been giggling nervously on the sidelines ever since.
[edit] Dallywood
Unlike its neighbour, India, Bangladesh sadly does not have a hugely successful film industry. Then some bright spark came up with the idea of dubbing Bangladesh's woeful cinematic efforts 'Dallywood'. Hollywood - Bombay - Bollywood, Dhaka - Dallywood. Get it? See what he did there? Linguistic genius...
Unlike all Bangladesh is great of making Porn sort of (Oslil) movies/films. But most of the people like to read bangladeshi chothi ruther Oslil movies. Bangladeshis like the smell of choti in the morning. It smells like, well, choti.
[edit] Politics
As stated in the Guinness World Records from 2005-2007,three years in a row, Bangladesh was the most influential and honest country in the world, however has now fallen to number 3, losing two places to Afghanistan and Iraq. Since its independence it has been run by the Robinsons family, who having been lost in an island for years on end, developed strict adherence to honesty, integrity and objectivity.
The Robinsons Peoples Party Of Bangladesh has claimed democratic victory in the last two elections, with each period lasting for 19 years, they have managed to gain control of Bangladeshi Politics since its independence.
[edit] Demographics
[edit] Population
The human population of Bangladesh is made up of 49% males, 43% females, 6% hermaphrodites and 2% George W. Bush offspring. Most Bangladeshis have around 47 children, at least 40 of which will live under water for most of their lives. Bangladesh was unaffected by the Irish Potato Famine, which left its inhabitants feeling a strange sense of loss and disappointment. However, this one stroke of good luck did enable it to increase its population by 50 million in five years.
The population also includes some ethnic and religious minorities. When these are pointed out to the average Bengali Muslim he looks in the opposite direction and says: "Minorities? I don't see any minorities - where are they? Guess they don't really exist". When the minorities shuffle into his eyeline he will then hastily look in another direction (or close his eyes. Or gouge his eyes out) and continue to insist that they don't exist.
Government has tried many ways to keep the population of Bangladesh under control. But Bangladeshi's have found it immensely hard to restrain themselves. One idea was unanimously agreed upon by the government as thought to be very effective. That is Government released a statement saying to the people "Apnara shobai Putki marun, taholey baccha to hobei na borong apnio shanti paben". Unfortunately, the Bangaldeshi language has words that cannot be translated into english, and this sentence is full of them.
In 2009 as a last minute resort, an emergency press conference about sexual activity was held with the government requesting that "certain livestock were kept aside for this purpose as our top sceintist have confirmed that this only gives 40% chance of having offspring, unless a fish is used where a child is most certain to be born".
[edit] The Bangladeshi middle classes
People from this section of society are known locally as 'MIGS', which stands for Middle Income Groups. They see themselves as the brave new future of Bangladesh. In reality, as their nation will permanently disappear beneath the sea in a few decades, they are not the future of anything. They like to throw their money around, yell into their pointlessly expensive mobile phones, beat up their servants and eat too much. They wax lyrical about how patriotic they are but will emigrate to some richer country whenever they get the chance. They alternately spoil their overweight kids rotten then scream at them for not wanting to be doctors or engineers. They are mystified as to why 'the common people' don't appreciate them more.
[edit] Bangladeshi names
Muslim Bangladeshis have a passion for names ending in 'ul', 'ur', 'un' or 'uz' i.e. Abdul, Enamul, Habibul, Ashraful, Aminul, Sirajul, Saiful, Badrul, Shariful, Raqibul, Mujibur, Shahidur, Zillur, Moinur, Qamrun, Shamsuz (O.K., you get the picture). 99 per cent of Bangladeshis have to share only eleven surnames. These are Islam, Rahman, Hossain, Alam, Uddin, Chowdhury, Ahmed, Ali, Miah, Begum & Haque. To try and distinguish between all those who inevitably end up with the same name they have an endearing habit of using their family nickname, (e.g. Joy, Baby, Bulbul, Lovely, Nunu, Sweety, Babu, Panu e.t.c.) even in the most formal circumstances. So when the next middle aged Bangladeshi Nobel prize winner is presented to the General Secretary of the U.N. at a solemn ceremony, the whole world will get to find out what his mother informally called him when he was two years old.
However, the naming sometimes backlashes because if somebody important in the village (like the union councilmen, local doctors, store owners, etc.) names his kid something, some peasant will name his kid the same thing. To avoid that, some families have "family secret" nicknames and public nicknames. On top of that, there's the real name which nobody uses. After adulthood, people will use their real names in public correspondences but with the public nickname stuck at the end of the name. After a year or two of using the public nickname, everyone forgets the family secret nickname anyway.
A minority of Bangladeshis can't be bothered to buy into all the above nonsense so give their children completely random names which they seem to have plucked out of thin air, e.g. Pavel, Vladimir, Russell, Chocolate, Rebecca, Lincoln, Dollar, Lemon, Nefertiti, Leighton, Money, Honey, Juicy, Munich etc..
It's even worse with married couples. When people first get married, they don't call their spouse anything at all. When people ask, they say "my husband" or "my wife" or something along those lines. To each other, they have a normal conversation but avoid using the name like saying it will cause their spouse horrible pain. After a kid gets born, people refer to their spouse as "So-and-so's Mom or Dad," usually in terms of the oldest child. So for example, if the oldest son's public nickname is Babu, the father will say, "Babur Amma! Bhaat ranna koro!" (Babu's Mom! Cook some rice!)
The "real" names have no bearing on anything at all. For example, in a family, there might be three kids named "Rafiqul Islam Sardar," "Bibi Kulsum Sultana," and "S.M. Akash." You can also get crazy matches between siblings (like "Sheikh Abu Taher Muhammad Musa" and "Sheikh Abul Hayat Muhammad Isa") just for kicks. So what family do they belong to? Well, the majority of people know if they belong to the "Sheikh," "Saha/Shaha," "Sarder/Shardar," etc.. families because their fathers told them so. Except if they're from the Chowdhury family, you can always find that in their name (because the Chowdhurys are a stuck-up wealthy family that likes to show off to the lowlife peasants they own). For the rest of them, in the rare occasion where they actually put their family name into their kid's name, they can stick it either in the front or the back. When women get married and take on their husband's name, the same thing applies, but they will adopt whatever part of their husband's name they like. There are also lots of people with "S.M." stuck in front of their name, but no one knows what it stands for. Only men will have this in their name, and it's only common within certain families. Almost all of the names of Bengali names are highly Bengalicized Arabic or Farsi, so what two characters from the Latin alphabet is doing in so many people's names is a huge mystery.
The names also tend to be very sexist, even last names. Men are allowed to get names like Khan, Ali, Aziz, Ahmed, etc. while women are allowed to get names like Hasina, Begum, Nesa, etc.. Sometimes, they just add an "a" to the masculine name to make it feminine. For example, the female equivalent of "Hamid Sultan" will be "Hamida Sultana." This blatant sexism may or may not exist in the wife's name (the part that she took from her husband).
[edit] Sports in Bangladesh
Bangladeshis are great at watching, talking about and thinking about sport. It's just the competing in it which can be a problem. Bangladesh's national cricket team struggles to stay afloat (both metaphorically and literally) in the international Test arena (check how they played ODI against Zimbabwe, and how they shamed themselves). The football side is permanently submerged. In individual sports the picture is not much better. When Asif Hossain Khan stunned the country by winning a gold medal in the Commonwealth Games shooting contest, he was rewarded by being beaten up by the Bangladeshi police. That's how the justice system works in Bangladesh.
[edit] Travel
Commercial international carriers with routes to Bangladesh include Where The Fuck Is Bangladesh? Airlines and Is Bangladesh, Like, In India? Airlines. You can also hitch a ride on Biman Bangladesh Airlines. Biman Bangladesh Airlines was founded in 1976 by Iqbal Bimanbangladeshairlines Choudhury, and temporarily mislaid the following year by the same man. In 2005, the airline had a record success rate of 7% for the number of its aircraft which managed to take off and a record low 13,676 incidents of in-flight food poisoning.
Bimanbangladeshairlines is a no-frills airline. It saves money by using the following techniques:
- Its listed landing destinations are "anything soft".
- Those passengers that die in transit are the "in-flight meals" for first-class passengers.
- Their security screening involves shouting "Are you Osama bin Laden?" to each passenger.
- Baggage handlers are allowed to loot luggage, provided they stuff something useless into suitcases to compensate for the weight-loss. The useless thing is usually another Bangladeshi, or the least popular luggage handler.
Visitors to Bangladesh are advised to avoid dishing out compliments to Pakistan. More than India, Burma, or the Bay of Bengal, Bangladeshis HATE Pakistanis (except while watching cricket -- then they love Pakistanis).
During the rainy season, water levels can be so high enough there isn't actually enough dry land to allow boats and ferries to dock. Don't worry though - Bangladeshi companies have set up charter deep sea submarines, which can transport travellers to Dhaka.
[edit] Exports
Bangladesh's main exports are:
- Illegal Immigrants to neighbouring India and nearby Malaysia, and distant Greece, Italy, UK, and Saudi Arabia.
- Pictures and postcards of the Royal Bengal Tiger. These images are exported mainly to the UN, UNESCO and UNICEF with pictures of hungry boys and girls standing among the tigers. This is a very profitable business for Bangladesh and constitutes about 99.99% of the nation's total foreign earnings. The remaining 0.01% comes from non resident Pakistanis and Indians who pay to access websites owned by man-eating tigress Sheikh Hasina Zia, to see naked pictures of her and her friends.
- Encouraged by the state, Bangladesh has recently started developing and exporting man eating tigresses to First World countries. The latest such woman/tigress to shoot to fame was Faria Alam who devoured England's football coach, Sir Jim Corbett during a practice match. Sir Jim Corbett subsequently denied he had been devoured but no one believes him.
[edit] Trivia
- Bangladesh is twinned with the Welsh city of Bangor, the two being approximately equal in wealth.
- The most popular Bangladeshi swear-word is "Brother-in-law" or শালা ( pronounced Shala ) No one can properly explain why this is supposed to be so insulting. one reason is, it means like I am fucking your sister.
- Bangladesh is so corrupt it successfully bribed the U.N. team tasked with eliminating corruption to instead encourage more corruption.
- Bengali people have 9 lives, 8 of which are reserved for surviving floods.
- Bengali people are in blackhole created by India and USA.
- "- Bangla desz?" "- Nie Bangla." (translated to: "- Is it rainy?" "- No, it's not.") is old and well-known Polish joke. Actually it's first realisation that comes to a mind of any Pole after hearing word Bangladesz that is Polish for Bangladesh (and even it's spelled in same manner)
[edit] See also
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Canada ~ This country is NOT Australia ~ Canadia ~ The REAL Sheep-Shaggers ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
