Bangladesh
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| Motto: "Ay Zaiga!" | |||||
| Anthem: Amar Banglar Shona Koi? ("Who stole my gold?") | |||||
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| Capital | Dhaka | ||||
| Largest city | Adams mum(under water aswell) | ||||
| Official languages | Shonar Bangla & Ghoti'r Bangla | ||||
| Government | Nationally Corrupted | ||||
| CEO | Fokhra & Moin | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | never from itself | ||||
| Currency | Paan | ||||
| Religion | (Allah Knows all, if they are!) | ||||
| Population | 3.6 million underwater, rest above water | ||||
| Area | Under or above water? | ||||
Bangladesh is a country with a lot of people and a lot of problems. According to scientists, there are several reasons for this - Bangladesh is home to more people than the population of Russia. This is quite something given that large chunks of this population are regularly eliminated by the country's most successful home-grown product - natural disasters. Cyclones, floods, famines, tornadoes, occasional earthquakes e.t.c. you name it... Bangladesh has them all. It's even started up a nice sideline in mass arsenic poisoning thanks to contaminated ground water. On top of that, about a million Bangladeshis make an annual sacred pilgrimage to different countries of the world, but for some mysterious reason never return.
Bangladesh was previously a part of Saint Pakistan but Evil India invaded and captured it. It has since maintained its evil influence over the people of Bangladesh and has stopped all mass genocides committed under Saint Pakistan. Bangladeshis are very unhappy as the ban on genocides has led to population explosion.
[edit] History
In the beginning Bangladeshis lived in a piece of territory called Alaska. They left this region thousands of years ago because it was "just too bloody cold" and crammed into a rowing boat which sank after one too many people boarded it. Nevertheless, the plucky Bangladeshis continued by swimming across the Pacific Ocean. Amazingly no one drowned although the better half of them ended up in southern India and were eaten by the Goddess Kali. A few million or so reached what we now call Bangladesh and gave thanks to God for their salvation. At which point God decided they'd had enough good luck and decreed that Bangladesh would forever be a cyclone wracked, flood plagued, poverty stricken hell hole.
(Ever since their Pacific Ocean experience Bangladeshis have had a mortal fear of swimming so avoid doing it at every opportunity and are badly out of practice. This means that whenever one of their overcrowded river boats capsize, as they do with monotonous regularity, the Bangladeshis on board drown in unimaginably vast numbers).
The next few hundred years were pretty average with various Buddhist, Hindu and Muslim dynasties coming and going. The peasants who worked the land got screwed over as usual and the landowning class ('Zamindars') got increasingly obese and ugly looking. Life was utterly boring without any decent games consoles or broadband. So when the English arrived the Bengalis thought 'Ah, what the hell, they can't be much worse', and languidly waved them on in.
Bangladesh was once part of the united Indian province of Bengal. Then it became East Bengal thanks to a pucker English chap called Curzon. Then it became part of greater Bengal again. Then it left India entirely and became East Pakistan. Then it became Bangladesh. It is currently lobbying to become the 51st state of the USA. As a result of all this, Bangladeshis are a genial but mildly confused people.
Asif** R**** "You want to eatt?, You want curry, Ill give you curry" Asif is the best! He makes the best curries in the world go to the restaurant called AC4 it is everywhere around the world especially in Indonesia. The best curry is got to be the Lamb Roshinogiasifiehbadabadaindiahatesbangladesh and the Chicken Joshmoshbadhashh.
[edit] Events of the Great Liberation War, March to December 1971
[edit] The Pakistani crackdown
In 1971 the Pakistani army took a break from killing Indians in Kashmir to wage war on those pesky Bengalis instead. However, the attack was aborted early after the general in charge, Mohammed Khan Hussain Abdullah, decided any serious combat might ruin his rather cool hair do. He was also feeling insecure due to his belief that his name 'just wasn't Muslim-sounding enough'.
[edit] This time we CAN DO IT!
After finally getting their act together, the Paks attacked Dhaka, Chittagong and loads of other places I can't bother to remember the names of. Unfortunately the ranks of the invading forces were badly depleted by the numbers of soliders saying 'sod it' and deserting to emigrate to Bradford, England. There they remain to this day and spend their time being irritated by the thousands of Sylheti Bangladeshis who followed them all the way to England just to annoy
Meanwhile, India invaded and defeated the Pakistanis, helped by the Bangladeshi guerrilla forces known as the Mukhti Bahini. The Mukhti were splendid chaps, though somewhat hampered by their insistence on fighting in traditional Bangladeshi clothing (ragged white vest, lungi and flat soled sandles). The white vests made them excellent targets for Pakistani snipers and the lungis and sandles made it impossible to actually run quickly. Which turned out to be a bit of a handicap in the middle of pitched battles.
They were led by a charming fellow called General Osmani ('General' was actually his first name, which was useful for his military career) who had no combat experience or tactical knowledge. He did however possess a superb moustache, and that was more than good enough. The Pakistanis, meanwhile, were led by General Tiger Niazi, who was called this because he literally WAS a tiger. He remained in a cage in central Dhaka throughout the conflict and would maul and/or eat any of his officers who approached him to ask for instructions. Which was probably why Pakistan lost.
when Yahya Khan was almost certain of defeat, he waved his small pee-pee as a sign of salender and was laughed at by Bangabandhu since his own pee-pee was double the size. This made Yahya Khan more insecred than ever and he commited suiside.
[edit] Legacy of the Liberation War
There are some commemorative memorials to the war in Dhaka, along with a couple of Pakistani tanks. One of these is at the entrance to the army cantoment, the other on the road leading to the airport. Bangladeshis innocently believe these tanks are memorials too. How wrong they are. They are actually still occupied by their now somewhat elderly Pakistani tank crews. These guys were so hardcore they refused to surrender in 1971 and have vowed to hold out till Judgement Day. Sneak up to one of the tanks, put your ear close to the armour, and you'll hear the faint sound of Punjabi cursing as these Pak diehards engage in yet another claustrophobia-induced quarrel.
[edit] Geography
Bangladesh is surrounded on two sides by the evil nation of India, and the even more evil Myanmar. It is right above the most cyclone and pirate-infested bay of all, the Bay of Bengal, second only to the positively satanic Michael Bay. Bangladesh is filled with toxic waste dumps known as 'cities' and textile factories known as 'children's day care centres'. But it proudly preserves the longest continuous beach in the world named Cox's Bazaar, which includes a large museum called Bizarre Cocks. Bangladesh is also home to the largest mangrove forest in the world. Its people are very proud of this last fact, even though they avoid the forest like the plague because it is muddy and teeming with malaria-carrying mosquitoes, snakes, spiders and Bengal Tigers who hate humans, (and have very good reason to do so).
Like New Orleans, Bangladesh is....oh, let me see....about 50 billion miles below sea level. Unlike New Orleans's population, during Bangladesh's floods its inhabitants can't just wait for the US army to show up and rescue them all.
[edit] International relations
Bangladesh has a strained relationship with India, though the inadvisedly named "FUCKYOUALL" train has begun running again from the capital, Dhaka, to the Indian city of Kolkatta. At one point Myanmar and Bangladesh had started to get along with each other, sharing a smoothie with two straws and even calling each other for dates. Unfortunately Bangladesh stopped calling when it found Myanmar with another, much sexier country, Cambodia. It was all very emotional.
Relations with the US have not gone well since Bangladesh called Bush a "dumbo" to which Bush replied "No I'm not! You are!" before storming off in a huff. Since Bangladesh is a Muslim country, it has strong connections with its other Muslim buddies (especially since it switched to Virgin Mobile). Unfortunately its closest ally, Iraq, didn't add Bangladesh to the top five on its speed dial list. Bangladesh, enraged, sent an e-mail to Bush about Iraq hiding WMDs and has been giggling nervously on the sidelines ever since.
[edit] 'Dallywood'
Unlike its neighbour, India, Bangladesh sadly does not have a hugely successful film industry. Then some bright spark came up with the idea of dubbing Bangladesh's woeful cinematic efforts 'Dallywood'. Hollywood - Bombay - Bollywood, Dhaka - Dallywood. Get it? See what he did there? Linguistic genius...
[edit] Politics
According to Guinness World Records 2006 (no joke), Bangladesh is the most corrupt country in the world. Since its independence it has been run by the Sheikh Mujib family and the Zia family, and these two evil families will probably rule the country for another hundred years (like the Bushes and Clintons in the U.S.).
[edit] Bangladeshi names
Muslim Bangladeshis have a passion for names ending in 'ul', 'ur', 'un' or 'uz' i.e. Abdul, Enamul, Habibul, Ashraful, Aminul, Sirajul, Saiful, Badrul, Shariful, Raqibul, Mujibur, Shahidur, Zillur, Moinur, Qamrun, Shamsuz (O.K., you get the picture). 99 per cent of Bangladeshis have to share only eleven surnames. These are Islam, Rahman, Hossain, Alam, Uddin, Chowdhury, Ahmed, Ali, Miah, Begum & Haque. To try and distinguish between all those who inevitably end up with the same name they have an endearing habit of using their family nickname, (e.g. Joy, Baby, Bulbul, Lovely, Nannu, Sweety, Babu, Fancy e.t.c.) even in the most formal circumstances. So when the next middle aged Bangladeshi Nobel prize winner is presented to the General Secretary of the U.N. at a solemn ceremony, the whole world will get to find out what his mother informally called him when he was two-years-old.
A minority of Bangladeshis can't be bothered to buy into all the above nonsense so give their children completely random names which they seem to have plucked out of thin air, e.g. Pavel, Vladimir, Russell, Chocolate, Rebecca, Lincoln, Dollar, Lemon, Nefertiti, Leighton, Money, Honey, Juicy, Munich e.t.c.
It is also illegal to be a film actress in Dallywood (see above) without having a name with the prefix Shabn-.
[edit] Resources
Patriotic Bangladeshis will forever tell you that their country has a lot of natural resources. This is true. Unfortunately, most of them are actually 'human resources' (children slaving away in textile factories, women slaving away in the kitchen, men slaving away at drinking tea on the pavement). Its other main resource is jute, a commodity that has proved difficult to market to nearby countries due to the fact that "jute" means "lie" in India and Pakistan, and "dildo" in Myanmar.
The country is also abundant in natural gas. This runs everything in Bangladesh: buses, trucks, motor rickshaws, computers, tvs, phones, iPhones, aeroplanes, penis enlargement drugs, bicycles and people. However, it has no oil, so Bangladesh has to buy this by trading its two primary resources: natural gas and humans.
Bangladesh is also the worlds largest supplier of flood water.
[edit] Flora and fauna
The country has pristine forests - or forests that were pristine till five billion years ago - which are the natural habitat of the endangered Royal Bengal Tiger. Bangladesh's influential conservationist lobby is doing everything in its power to halt the depletion of the tigers' numbers. However, the country's even more influential anti-conservationist lobby has vowed to wipe out every single one of the blighters as soon as is humanly possible. By next year, there should be nothing but paw prints of tigers left behind as proof of their existence. And after the inevitable flood next year, even these will be gone.
[edit] Sport in Bangladesh
Bangladeshis are great at watching, talking about and thinking about sport. It's just the competing in it which can be a problem. Bangladesh's national cricket team struggles to stay afloat (both metaphorically and literally) in the international Test arena. The football side is permanently submerged. In individual sports the picture is not much better. When Asif Hossain Khan stunned the country by winning a gold medal in the Commonwealth Games shooting contest, he was rewarded by being beaten up by the Bangladeshi police. That's how the justice system works in Bangladesh.
p.s - KAZI ZUHAYR ZU AHMED IZ THE CAPTAIN OF BANGLADESH CRICKET TEAM. BUT HE NEVER EVER WAVED THE BAT TO TOUCH THE BALL AS A RESULT HE DOES NOT PLAY YET HE IS THE CAPTAIN.....GAY
[edit] Travel
Commercial international carriers with routes to Bangladesh include Where The Fuck Is Bangladesh? Airlines and Is Bangladesh, Like, In India? Airlines. You can also hitch a ride on Biman Bangladesh Airlines. Biman Bangladesh Airlines was founded in 1976 by Iqbal Bimanbangladeshairlines Choudhury, and temporarily mislaid the following year by the same man. In 2005, the airline had a record success rate of 7% for the number of its aircraft which managed to take off and a record low 13,676 incidents of in-flight food poisoning.
Bimanbangladeshairlines is a no-frills airline. It saves money by using the following techniques:
- Its listed landing destinations are "anything soft".
- Those passengers that die in transit are the "in-flight meals" for first-class passengers.
- Their security screening involves shouting "Are you Osama bin Laden?" to each passenger.
- Baggage handlers are allowed to loot luggage, provided they stuff something useless into suitcases to compensate for the weight-loss. The useless thing is usually another Bangladeshi, or the least popular luggage handler.
Visitors to Bangladesh are advised to avoid dishing out compliments to Pakistan. More than India, Burma, or the Bay of Bengal, Bangladeshis HATE Pakistanis (except while watching cricket -- then they love Pakistanis).
During the rainy season, water levels can be so high enough there isn't actually enough dry land to allow boats and ferries to dock. Don't worry though - Bangladeshi companies have set up charter deep sea submarines, which can transport travellers to Dhaka.
[edit] Population
The human population of Bangladesh is made up of 49% males, 43% females, 6% hermaphrodites and 2% George W. Bush offspring. Most Bangladeshis have around 47 children, at least 40 of which will live under water for most of their lives. Bangladesh was unaffected by the Irish Potato Famine, which left its inhabitants feeling a strange sense of loss and disappointment. However, this one stroke of good luck did enable it to increase its population by 50 million in five years.
The population also includes some ethnic and religious minorities. When these are pointed out to the average Bengali Muslim he looks in the opposite direction and says: "Minorities? I don't see any minorities - where are they? Guess they don't really exist". When the minorities shuffle into his eyeline he will then hastily look in another direction (or close his eyes. Or gouge his eyes out) and continue to insist that they don't exist.
[edit] The Bangladeshi middle classes
People from this section of society are known locally as 'MIGS', which stands for Middle Income Groups. They see themselves as the brave new future of Bangladesh. In reality, as their nation will permanently disappear beneath the sea in a few decades, they are not the future of anything. They like to throw their money around, yell into their pointlessly expensive mobile phones, beat up their servants and eat too much. They wax lyrical about how patriotic they are but will emigrate to some richer country whenever they get the chance. They alternately spoil their overweight kids rotten then scream at them for not wanting to be doctors or engineers. They are mystified as to why 'the common people' don't appreciate them more.
[edit] Exports
Bangladesh's main exports are:
- Illegal Immigrants to neighbouring India and nearby Malaysia, and distant Greece, Italy, UK, and Saudi Arabia.
- Pictures and postcards of the Royal Bengal Tiger. These images are exported mainly to the UN, UNESCO and UNICEF with pictures of hungry boys and girls standing among the tigers. This is a very profitable business for Bangladesh and constitutes about 99.99% of the nation's total foreign earnings. The remaining 0.01% comes from non resident Pakistanis and Indians who pay to access websites owned by man-eating tigress Begum Khaleda Zia, to see naked pictures of her and her friends.
- Writers, in English like Monica Ali to Europe and America. "Monica Ali" is actually a reincarnation of the Mona Lisa, as our brilliant piece of photographic evidence on the right demonstrates.
- Encouraged by the state, Bangladesh has recently started developing and exporting man eating tigresses to First World countries. The latest such woman/tigress to shoot to fame was Faria Alam who devoured England's football coach, Sir Jim Corbett during a practice match. Sir Jim Corbett subsequently denied he had been devoured but no one believes him.
[edit] Trivia
- "Bangladesh" is French for "Bang the desh".
- Bangladesh is twinned with the Welsh city of Bangor, the two being approximately equal in wealth.
- The national dish is cooked barbed wire.
- The most popular Bangladeshi swear-word is "Brother-in-law" or শালা ( pronounced Shala ) No one can properly explain why this is supposed to be so insulting.
- Bengali men are mainly women with hairy arms and long beautiful eyelashes.
- The USA once secretly invaded Bangladesh but found out it possessed no oil so crept away again.
- Bangladesh is so corrupt it successfully bribed the U.N. team tasked with eliminating corruption to instead encourage more corruption.
- Bengali people have 9 lives, 8 of which are reserved for surviving floods.
- The National super hero of Bangladesh is "The Bangladouche" whom is often witnessed wearing his trade mark upside down visor and plaid shorts
[edit] See also
| Countries and territories of Asia | |
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Euroasia: Cyprus | Georgia | Japan-France | Russia | Turkey | The Filipino Empire Phoenician Asia: Lebanon Western Asia: Afghanistan | Armenia | Azerbaijan | Bahrain | Persia | Terrorism | The Holy Land | Far East | Iraq's Hide-out | Oman | Pakistan | Palestinian Territories | Qatar | Saudi Arabia | Syria | United Arab Emirates | Wherethefuckistan | Yemen Central Asia: The Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan | Kyrgyzstan | Mongolia | Tajikistan | Turkmenistan | Uzbekistan | other Stan countries South Asia: Bangladesh | Bhutan | India | Kashmir | Maldives | Nepal | The Wanker | Tibet Southeast Asia: Cambodia | East Timor | Indonesia | Laos | Malaysia | Mindanao | Myanmar | Philippines | Singapore | Thailand | Vietnam East Asia: China (PRC) | Central Korea | Hong Kong Phooey | Japan | Macau | Kimland | South Korea | Taiwan (ROC) | Wal-Mart's Republic of China | Republic of Taiwan | 
|
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Canada ~ This country is NOT Australia ~ Canadia ~ The REAL Sheep-Shaggers ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
