Bangalore
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“Bang a what?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bangalore
“Yella Woka y. Tension Yaake? UB Export. IB Import”
~ Uppi a.k.a Upendra a.k.a O Wilde after finishing a 6 pack of Kingfisher
“In Soviet Russia, lore bangs YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Bangalore
“who is the f***uck is the Bangalore??”
~ HD Kumaraswamy, after causing earth's biggest traffic jam on Bangalore
“To BE or Not to BE - is that really a question? ”
~ HD Revanna, the philosopher on Bangalore
Number of jobs outsourced to Bangalore since you visited this page:
    
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| Motto: "Come on! Make my call!" | |
| State | Karnataka |
| Official nickname | Info Sissy |
| Official languages | C++, java, perl, python |
| Mayor | N. R. Narayana Murthy |
| Opening hours | 7-Eleven (closed for statutory system failures) |
Bangalore was created by the British when they first came(not be confused with the other came) to India in the 1800s. Its name is Greek for land of the booty call. It has been one of the biggest mistakes ever. The local women were(and still are) pure and had a deep affinity towards protecting themselves from the white skin, a condition known as albinism, and unlike women in the Old Blighty, posed no threat to the white man, as far as any possible contraction of syphilis.
The British East India Company coined the word "Bangalore" from "Bang" + "galore", a reference to make up for the non-promiscuity of the local women. Some historians have attributed the "non" promiscuity of local women to primarily not understanding the benefits of promiscuity or more importantly the meaning of the word itself. Many geeks moved there because they wanted to get laid. It is also said they the British Troops imported whores from Britain and used to bang them here. Bangalore= Bang-a-whore. Okay, this sentence may offend many non-resident indian readers so it should also be said that the country had enough supply of abc within the country itself.
This is predominantly a female-centric view. However an alternate male-centric view exists which came into being after the name change. Bangalore=Benga-lodu. Lodu means dickhead!!
A strategic approach to lure the lusty fellow Englishmen into a false paradise. Not to be confused with Mangalore which was used to entice those with a deviant sexual orientation The city of Bangalore is sometimes also credited as the owner the Caps Lock.
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[edit] History
for all those poor sods who have never seen the city
But Bangalore's history goes further back than this. About 500 years ago, Bangalore was the very place where an old woman opened a can of baked-beans (literally "bengalooru") for some guy on a horse. The guy was so filled with gratitude that he verily chose Bangalore for his holidays in the years to come and warmly recommended it to all his friends who fantasize all day about paradise.
In the early 1800s, Bangalore was captured by Tipu Sultan, heir to the throne of Mysore and warden of the kick the queen's pimps hostel. Tipu Sultan fought the British in three decisive battles, under the moniker Cher of Mysore, which confused the British, since Cher had never been to Mysore before. Tipu Sultan continued to expand his kingdom into the Madras Presidency. This led to the invasion of privacy.
Tipu Sultan was ultimately defeated and killed by the British during the Battle of the Tiffin Rooms to the backdrop of a soleful rendition of "Do you Believe in life after love".
1995 September Bangalore has won Most true country of the world competition.
[edit] History of outsourcing
As children, the local women and men are thought the art of swallowing raagi balls(big black hard and balls), this acquired skill has led to the whole world outsourcing its "jobs" to bangalore.
Deep throat is a way of life for the people of Kempe gowda.
It is rumored that China is instituting a similar program to rehabilitate former Falun gong and Tibetan monks and grab a piece of this lubricative market.
[edit] Geography
The geography of Bangalore is surprisingly flat (see map above). Even more surprisingly, this flatness of Bangalore is highly contagious and now classified a world epidemic. Flat Bangalore has been flattening it's neighborhood in all directions since 1991 when the fat sumo wrestler of India, Info Singh, decided to squat in Bangalore: Bangalore immediately flattened under his weight and the impact generated ripples of flatness that have been increasing in wavelength and frequency ever since. Swami Tomas L. Freeman, in 2005, made the startling discovery that Bangalore had made about the entire world flat. His arch rival, Swami B. R. B. Gali Leo, who still claimed that earth was round, went into hiding after this pronouncement. The best feature about this flat and open architecture of the world, Swamy Fourman (nee Freeman - name changed after he received President's Medal for Bravery in 2005)
[edit] Economy
First the good news - jobs no longer mean only Blow jobs - it means you get dressed up and get driven to an office to give head. The offshoring and outsourcing of work from Bangalore to the Third world, primarily the United States has caused some friction between the Indian government and the guy who heads up the main cattle ranch in America. However, the influx of foreign work to the United States has helped alleviate poverty and helped bring a certain level of stability to that country, notwithstanding the United States' repeated and constant nuclear tussles with neighbor and arch rival Canada. Prostitution is no longer a big employer because they have so many jobs. Prostitution is on the fall as promiscuity is on the rise, sex is free now. The opportunity to screw around at work is the prime reason many of the guys change their names to Sean or Justin.
The foreign money and culture has however pissed off a bumbling farmer. His pride in bangalore's rich history has caused his government to re-rename the city to its kanadian variant. bengaluru or bengalooroo. the farmer's friends are waging battle in a mud pit, and as soon as a victor emerges, the final name will be picked from the two. The government, and rightly so, has decided to spend foreign-origin taxpayer money to reprint stationary, street names and signs. There were sacrilegious calls for using the money to build roads and improve infrastructure, but bengaloorue-ians love their Trafficking, and wouldn't have stood for any of it.
Off-late however the economy of Bangalore has slumped to a disgraceful loss mainly due to the unbearable traffic on hosur road (which is celebrated as a major event everyday by the majority of Bangaloreans, and is known as Trafficking). An anonymous 2005 estimate claims that most software professionals spend over 66% of their life on hosur road. As an advantage, this has lead to a sharp decline in population growth, due to fact that most software guys now don't spend more than a couple of hours a week at home. However, on the flip side, this has lead to a sharp increase in the number of illegitimate relationships between the wives of software professionals and jobless non-IT guys.
Many Bangaloreans are also involved in the vocation of Cowabunga, where trained professionals methodically taunt cows by speaking to them in French. Obviously, this is a highly lucrative field, and has made many practitioners multi-millionaires overnight.
[edit] Night Life
This section has been deleted by order of the Police Commissioner of Bangalore, Mr. Kiljoy Kaatkudhi.
“Remember children, no teeth and don't play with "pussy" cat”
~ Mr. Ki Ka, Police Commissoner of Banagalore
[edit] The People
| The faggot who "***kissed***" Stinky Painting (Ricky ponting).|
For entertainment, the people of Bangalore enjoy recreational telephoning. People worldwide enjoy calling Bangalore citizens in hopes of hearing the latest comedy routine about modern-day life. These reverse prank calls are a staple of Bangalore life. Entertainment options in Bangalore have alsfuck off Bangaloreans are generally unambitious people. Most of them probably don't even know how ambition is spelled (even in their native language). This city of sheep breeds more sheep and they become slaves to multinational corporations who pay them a pittance.
[edit] Culture
[edit] The Street Doggie Menace
Mr. Anothermoorthy of the Gowda The Horrible fame has come up with a new comic strip called Bangalore Street Doggie the Menace. Although, it is meant to be humorous, it isn't. The comic strip has landed up with controversies as it is claimed to be unsuitable for audience above 18 years of age. The Bangalore Feminist Agenda Task force has demanded to immediately stop publishing these strips on Phony Herald as it makes jokes on Feminists. They also claim that the word mankind should be changed to britneykind to accommodate everyone. The already infamous Anothermoorthy is being accused for the proposed name change of the city from Bangalore to Bennemasaladosapalya.
[edit] Bengaluru International Airport (BIAL)
The Bengaluru International Airport is a huge parking lot in Devanayelli (literally meaning Devana-where??) which has been created to park hundreds of Renault cars purchased by enterprising Bengalureans who thought the parking space in the city was not enough. Situated somewhere between Chennai and Hyderabad, the parking lot also has a warehouse and a long strip of concrete attached to it, use of both have not been confirmed till date. If anyone finds out, please post in the local paper The Crimes of India.
The parking lot has become very famous among the International Adventure Community, which organizes trips to BIAL in the same breath it does to the Yucatan Peninsula, Macchu Picchu, Antartica and New Jersey. The Distractor Channel has recently featured BIAL in their feature: "Places you cant find out unless you board a Volvo bus". It has been rumored that it is the most expensive glass-panelled warehouse ever built in the world. There also have been rumors that there will be 'flights' to BIAL from distant places like Bangalore City.
--Vadakkus 20:43, 12 October 2008 (UTC)
[edit] Trivia
- The original meaning of Bangalore is derived a family of spiced meats originating from the regions along the Mexico/Israeli border. Generally served either on a stick or a simple bed of lettuce with a side of hot buttered groat clusters.
- It is believed that 95% of Bangalore's population talks C. The remaining 5% uses Wikipedia.
[edit] Where does your money go in Bangalore?
40% goes towards taxes deducted at source and taxes snatched from you at gunpoint by the revenue department.
50% goes towards paying rent for a house and the interest on the house's security deposit.
20% goes towards fuel expenses for participating in the "trafficking event" every day.
10% goes towards food you never eat properly.
After some point in 2006/07 10% will be spent on renaming the city to Bengalooroo, and on a campaign to promote the health benefits of eating baked beans for breakfast
If you are unlucky, your landlord will extract the remaining 20% from you for house repairs.
If your total appears to exceed 100%, you might already be in debt or on the verge of bankruptcy. This might be the right time to contemplate suicide.
Famous People Nritiya (Juggly)
[edit] External Links
- National Anthem of Bangalore (in technicolor)
- Proposed National Anthem (after name change)
- Rebel National Anthem (kannada version)
| Indian cities |
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| Bangalore • Bombay • Calcutta • Chandigarh • Delhi |
