Band geeks
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A Band Geek is a rare and valuable creature most often found lurking near football fields or practice rooms. They have been around for as long as anyone can remember, however, there was a surge in the population around 1980. They are a herd animal and it is common to see them surrounded by OTHER band geeks. Usually, when a band geek is found alone, immediate testicle shrinkage followed by bodily necrosis will ensue. They are not to be mistaken with their close cousins: the geeks. They are also related to nerds, orchestra kids, and more loosely to musicians. They are notable for many things which will be discussed in better detail later.
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[edit] Life
The life of a band geek is simple, they do whatever the powers that be command. They are often up before any sane person and are seen disturbing the peace at all hours. They can adapt to any weather condition (rain, hail, tornadoes, ect) often appearing to spawn extra clothing if necessary. They remain at the field far after everyone else has left, continuing to run their show, over and over and over. They live for band 6 days a week, with Saturday being the most important holy day. Saturdays are dedicated solely to band, for this is the day they participate in many of their rituals. This includes the most important one... Competition.
The main diet of a band geek consists of energy drinks, such as Red Bull and Rockstar, and Pixie Stix and Tic-Tacs. They have also been known to tolerate ungodly amounts of caffeine and sugar. However, at some band camps, directors who worry about dehydration and other mortal things will provide band geeks with a specialty drink called Waterade, which is a secret blend of powdered drink mix, hose water, and ice from the big cooler at the gas station. Waterade, though its taste does not match that of the aforementioned energy drinks, can still give a band geek a couple more hours of rehearsal capability.
[edit] Species of Band Geeks
1.)The Non-Band Geek - This person knows he is in band and everyone he knows, knows that this person is in band. The part that seperates them from the rest of the species is that his peers, don't think of him as a band geek. They have normal friendships with the jocks and are not made fun of. So this species are Band geeks that are treated as if they were not a band geek.
2.)
3.) The Proud Band Geek - this is the person who is a Band Geek and knows it. They spend all of their free time in and around band. Also, they often talk about band, they may even advertise the fact that they are in band by wearing their uniforms or pep band shirts at functions outside of band. They take the abuse with a smug grin, assured of eventual instrumental retribution.
4.) The Stereotypical Band Geek - this is your stereotypical band geek, the kind who wears head-gear and a pocket protector. They breathe through their mouths and are good at math and other nerdly things.
5.) The Ultimate Band Geek - this person is more involved in band then their own family. This is usually either your section leader, band manager, or just that one really weird kid who hangs out in the director's office all the time. They get to practice early and are always the last ones to leave (when there's two of them in the same room, one usually isn't extreme enough to leave late). Drum majors occasionally fall under this category as well.
6.) The American Pie Band Geek - On band trips, they will often be found in the back of the bus playing each others' "instruments."
7.) The Colorguard - A small sub-group of the band geek, made up of a congregation of females (and the occasional male, who are mostly homosexual) who either have one foot in the world of band geekery and one foot in the real world, or are the most geeky creatures of the entire band, thinking of nothing else but their routines, and can be found tossing and spinning almost anything they can get their hands on. It is also advisable for you not to put your hands on their equipment either. A rifle across the side of the head can be quite painful. Color guard is not to be confused with majorettes, or "twirl girls".
[edit] So You Want to be a Band Geek
The requirements to be a band geek are very simple. In fact, a recent Harvard study shows that they are so simple that almost 34.6% of the population IS a band geek, whether you know it or not. The requirements are as thus :
- you must play an instrument or spin a flag.
- you must know the definitions of such terms as "staccato," "fortepiano," and "ritardo."
- you must know that fortepiano is a basic term for "sforzando."
- you must know that the previous requirement is not true and got very angry when you read it.
- you must "get" jokes such as "how do you get 2 piccolos to play in tune... shoot one of them!" and know that they are true.
- you must also realize the previous "joke" is untrue... for the only way to get 2 piccolos to play in tune is to shoot BOTH of them.
- you must know how to march, be it military, roll-step, or high-step.
- you must admit that Fridays/Saturdays during the fall are a lost cause for anything other than band.
- you must have at least 1/2 of your friends in the band.
- you must only date people within the band
- you must suffer (or enjoy) some form of a hyperactive disorder.
If you have over 2/3's of the above qualities, then you are a band geek: accept it, embrace it, love it, live it.
[edit] Habitat
Perkinsville is a prime example of such habitat [www.uncyclopedia.org/perkinsville]
- BAND ROOM! (also known as Band Hall) - the second home for a band geek.
- Band Camp - a process during which the weak and unworthy are sorted out to be sacrificed to the Gods of Band for a good season.
- Pep Band - a religious event in which those who partake speak in a secret language involving complicated dances, twists, and tunes.
- Bus Rides - possibly the most dangerous ritual involving large numbers of band geeks in a very confined space, this is a sacred and secret meeting, the details of which are not yet available to the public(note: whatever happens, DO NOT go on the color guard bus, for they will rape you).
- Shows - this is the only time in which the Band Geeks reveal themselves to society. They are very elaborate rituals and sacrificial garments are generally worn by all members in preparation for it. Headdresses are also common.
- Competition - not much is known about Competition, it is the most important of the band geek rituals and is seldom spoken of.
[edit] You Know You're a Band Geek When...
- ...you march 8 to 5 in time with other bandos in the hallway (also in 12 to 5, 16 to 5, 6 to 5 and even jazz runs!)
- ...all your friends are in the band
- ...the months December, January, February, March, and April are of no importance to you.(except if you are in indoor innovations)
- ...you realized that February actually is important because it's time for the sacred ritual of Solo&Ensemble
- ...you have a neckstrap tan line
- ...you have a harness tan line
- ...you called your director mom (or dad) and they responded.
- ...the sound of your alarm clock brings back fond memories of band camp
- ...the sound of a car alarm instantly reminds you to stay in step (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!)
- ...if you have ringtones of your favorite bands
- ..."one more time" means do it 7 more times, restarting the count every time someone makes a mistake (Again!)
- ...whenever someone starts to count "one...two...three" you respond with "DUT! DUT! DUT, DUT, DUT, DUT!"
- ...you start having dreams with flag girls in them
- ...you and 3 friends show up at the wrong football game and try to run the show anyway
- ...you always manage to somehow bring up the topic of marching band in everyday conversation. (Oh, well last night, I was at a band competition, and right before we went on,...)
- ...you cried at the end of "Drumline"
- ...you and your band friends spontaneously start singing last years show (and marching too!)
- ...you know yours and all your rival bands scores and rankings...from ten years ago
- ...you watch and rewatch past championship shows trying to find out why you didn't win (or if you did win, why you didn't get a 99.15) (there! those lines don't cover down! again, the trumpets always overblow! out of step right in front of the judge!)
- ...you almost got impaled on a colorguard's saber
- ...your (trom)boner got impaled on a colorguard's flag
- ...you cancel a date with your girlfriend because you have a competition that saturday. (which wouldn't happen anyway, because...(see next line))
- ...your girlfriend is in the band
- ...And if she's not in the band, you strive to get her in the band or adopt the ways of the band geek
- ...you draw drill sets on your homework
- ...your favorite pick-up line: I'm a fermata, hold me
- ...you receive your traditional freshmen wedgie after your band wins chapters
- ...you have no problem changing your clothes on a bus filled with fellow band members
- ...you've woken up without your pants, and it doesn't surprise you. Because you're on a Band Trip.
- ...you write extensively about band on a parody wiki that has (almost) nothing to do with band (in that case, you are the greatest band geek ever)
- ...you don't know the words to your alma mater and it doesn't matter because you'll never sing them
- ...you lose the game
- ...Fuck, I lost the game
- ...you own more band shirts than actual clothes
- ...when you march the same timing behind other people
- ...you don't know your music but you brainsuck off other people
- ...when you have 10 different nicknames
- ... Any song you hear you think of a field show for
- ...you are reading this article and responding, "THAT'S SO TRUE!"
- ...if your about to print this off
[edit] Instrument Sections
Trumpets - Usually propelled by just 2-3 very good, and attractive players, although all of them attempt to be the highest, loudest, and most arrogant (because of which they declare the Clarinet as thier arch enemy). With the exception of the aforementioned 2-3 anything they have to say is law. They are granted the ability to play piccolo notes on their trumpet, which can either be so impressive and awe-inspiring that emos will wear pink shirts. OR. can produce a phenomenon known as "apocalypse".
(Trom)boners - The section that does nothing but slack off. Either the smallest section or unproportionally large. Usually contains the really weird ones. The presence of females within the section that do not match the required testosterone levels causes confusion and sometimes death. Showering habits of this section are debated regularly. They complain about never having any melodies, yet when handed to them they fail gloriously, then proceeding to blame anyone and anything that moves instead of their lack of talent and ability. Yet for all that, they can play the best music out of any section(they also have the most drugs).
Tubas - Tubas do usually fit into the low brass, for they are the laziest members. Are usually found eating during practices, performances, etc. they control the beat of a show, yet somehow have trouble memorizing their boring, repetitive quarter notes. And their area of the practice room is usually FILTHY.
Baritones - Baritone players have to deal with carrying heavy, unbalanced instruments . The females who play are either very girly or they are weird, ugly, emo, and stupid girls. Unfortunately, even though the baritone section is so good, they never get new instruments for marching.
Flutes - Walking bags of wind, looked down on by almost every other section. They are also known as the least intimate section because of their infamous inner section fights. Male flute players are seen as a rarity and are usually the laughing stock of the band (surpassed only by bad percussion). Other flute players will try and get this male player to play piccolo, the most degrading instrument of the band. The members of this sections are either riducoulsy tall or short.
Drumline - Typically "Balls for brains", they are truly convinced that they are the perfect form of man. They practice constantly, and are known for being very hardcore, and they will let you know at any point in time. you can usually tell them apart from normal humans by the constant tapping emitting from any ligament on their body. Band members and drummers find it hard to discuss music, due to the fact that the drummers usually don't even notice the band is playing. Usually because the band is never watching the major. Besides the fact that the Drumline IS the tempo, as they are they only ones capable of holding on to it.With that being said, they have the worst relationship with the Drum Major. They blame the tempo tears on the DM and believe that the tempo they set, the drumline, is the right tempo and everyone else is too slow. Do not mistake them for abnormal though; they do have emotions, and they are human. for the most part. A rare breed of these obnoxious creatures are "female Drummers". They are known for their abnormal behavior around other human beings and Having just as large an ego as the male of the species.
Pit - A rare sub-species of drummer who choose not to meet the requirememnts. they fit in nowhere with the rest of the band, and are often seen laying under their crap while everone else marches. They often hate what they play (unless it's cymbal related) and Avoid what they do for as long as they possibly can. They are known for saying "hey we get PE credit for this?" Almost every single person stuck in this position are somewhat brighter then the rest of Drumline.
Cowbell - The holy grail of all miscellaneous percussion items. No matter how loud you play, the director will still want "More". This has been known to cause damage to mallets, drumsticks, and small aluminum bats. Common playing techniques include getting completely off-beat and jumping around like an idiot.
Clarinets - Also known as "violent section", they always play very quietly because they are ashamed of the noise that is coming out of their instrument. Studies have shown that more than 80% of all male clarinet players are homosexual (statistics only taken in Africa). Also, clarinets seem to have an inability to pay attention and guide to the line. Also, solos are a prized gem in this section, and can result in the members pulling weapons out of their instruments (lightsabers, machetes, wands, etc.) to fight for said solo. Clarinets have also been known to use their instruments as WWII rifles in war reenactments when the director isn't looking and brag about their reed size (and not to mention NAME THEIR OWN INSTRUMENTS!!!) It is also very common to find them thinking they are the rulers of the world often in conflict with the trumpet section. A known clarinetist is the Band Geek Ninja.
Saxophones - Have a weird, nerdy, and perverted sense of humor, and they love stealing solos from other sections (especially French horns), and always want to make the music they are given either a higher or lower octave. Band directors hate/love this section more than any other(because of the unknown "sacred realm" of other band geeks), and hate their inability to STOP PLAYING. They have a tendency to suffer from severe sleep deprivation and choose band class for their prime napping time. In spite of all this napping they tend to be the best technically sound section in the band. The flute section is the saxophone's natural enemy, but from time to time a saxophone male or female will be seen conversing with a flute or clarinet in some cases. Tenors and Altos DONT get along. Putting the two in the same room may result in death. This is often because the Tenors consider themselves to be a separate section from the rest of the saxophones, mostly due to the fact that they play in a different key, march on the other side of the field, and are tired of putting up the alto section leader. Many have perverted jokes and sometimes get along with Boners. Will get VERY touchy when talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend in the Flutes or piccolo section. No one knows why they have interest in the Clarinets, as many will attack you.
French horns/Mellophones - Everyone envies them. Mellophone players also tend to be the most popular people (or egotistical, wonder if a horn player wrote this???), sometimes tying with trumpets for this position. The make up of the section is usually 3-5 people. Usually two or three of the members are joined at the hip (and are the talented ones) while the remaining one or two are just there for numbers. Horns can be very perverted at times. Females will cut your balls off or snipe you if they don't like you, though they are usually easy to get along with. Always complain that they don't get solos. Also they seem to have a lot of trouble keeping their bells up, or keep the bells too high. Or more commonly, one cannot play well and the other not loud enough.
[edit] Band Quotes
“I'm gonna keep my pants on until we get back.”
~ Band Geek on Bus Rides
“The grass is greener on the other side of the 50.”
~ Band Geek on Football Fields
“Everyone shut up and grab a nut!”
~ Band Geek on Driving over Railroads
“More Cowbell!!!!”
~ Band Geek on The Meaning of Life
“Just try to keep your virginity.”
~ Band Geek on Rookie Marchers
“Use your tongues, ladies.”
~ Band Director on Female Horns
“Now everyone, take a deep breast, I mean breath!”
~ Band Director to the whole band on how to blow into their instruments
“It doesnt taste like Dr. Pepper. It's like a Cream Soda that wants to be a Dr Pepper. It's like a wigger!”
~ Band Geek on Dr.Wham
“I'm going with 2 other people. We're going to room together and stay up all night”
~ Band Geek on Band Trips
“Keep it in your pants people!”
~ Band Geek on Drumline
“A great clarinet teacher once told me, "Suck and Lick"”
~ Band Director on Clarinet Sectionals
“Guys, get some balls! Hit it HARD!”
~ Drum Captain on Drumline Sectionals
“That's what she said!”
~ Some Band Geek
“My bone is bigger than yours”
~ a Band Geek to another Band Geek
“Don't do that do this”
~ A Band Geek to another Band Geek
“I lost the game!”
~ A Band Geek announcing to the whole band
“Don't suck”
~ A Director telling his band geeks
“Have N-OR-G(energy) translation-(have an orgy!)”
~ A band director to the percussion
“Don't touch my horn”
~ A band geek to another band geek
“Bang it like a man!!”
~ The band to a percussion player
“Pants are optional!”
~ Assistant director on pants
[edit] Known Band Geeks
- Spongebob
- Harry Potter
- Will Ferrell
- This Guy
- Link
- Paul Shaffer
- Beethoven
- Lex Luthor
- Lisa
- George Clooney
- Uncle Sam
[edit] Weaknesses
- You can get a Band Geek to do almost anything by threatening to harm/damage their instrument (especially if they own it). Also, breaking a reed in half infront of any reed instrument player will cause them extreme physical as well as pshycological pain.
- A Band Geek will also do almost anything for Food, and get very excited when they find more places in their uniforms to hide food so they can sneak it into the stands at games.
- Bullets (thats what you think)
- Schizophrenia
- ADHD ridden hyperactivity
- ADD
- Arcs
- Marching in 3/4 time
- Having Taps ( a very complicated ritual in which everyone must stay in time) stuck in your head
- Getting annoyed when car blinkers are not in time
- Nuclear Weaponry
- The game.
- A trumpet player yelling in your ear, when the team doesnt win.
- A short tension span, when your marching on the field and forget where your going!
- Being called a Band geek. :(
