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“What?! £270,000 asking price for a one bedroom starter flat? What a bargain, I'll take it!”
“Holy shit! Look guys, a bus... on time!!!”
The granite town of Banchory, also affectionately known as Bunkry or Sasainn Bheag air Oir Dhè (Little England upon Deeside in Scottish Gaelic) is a small burgh 17 miles (or 2hrs 34mins on a Stagecoach bus) west of Aberdeen in Scotland. The town has been inhabited and ruled by teenagers and the elderly for over 30 years close to where the River Feugh (which is unpronounceable to all newcomers) meets the River Dee to form the River Don.
About the Town
Banchory is the fastest growing town of rich people who try to be farmers and oil workers in the north of Scotland, mainly due to the creation of the Hill of Banchory,(home of the neds) an overpriced plot of land on a gentle slope which is certainly not a hill (see definition of Hill) where identical cloned houses have been built in 6 days just to populate a new multicoloured primary school that you would typically find being built in Minecraft to compensate with the infestation of middle class English children. Originally a small market centre for the surrounding farming communities, the town was invaded in 1979 by the mass exodus of English oil workers from Down South who have now claimed Banchory as their own territory.
At the last census, 90% of residents were of English descent and 7% were Eastern Europeans (shared between Subway and It's Curtains for Your Good Old Scottish Workforce) although this has recently risen to 8% after Subway axed every Scot to keep them in line with Banchorian Law. The remaining 2% is shared between the Derbar workforce and some illegal Scots in hiding, with more and more emigrating by the minute through an underground tunnel that connects to South Korea.
Culture is unheard of and virtually non-existent in the town of Banchory as the English have driven the Scottish out of the town, so now the whole town is populated by commuters who work in Aberdeen and come home, never to leave their house until 4:30am the next morning in order to get into Aberdeen in time for work (by the skin of their teeth). The residents of Banchory have gotten to a point they want no remnants of culture remaining in the town, they raise their children to start burning down any form of history that is left within the town, leaving no stone unturned as it is not stable enough to be considered housing that would average the price of £300k for some middle class family from England to purchase. Occasionally you may get some banter in the Stag Hotel on a Friday/Saturday night, but only from the barmaids looking for some fresh blood instead of working their way around the town for a second time. Moody Tom (moobs). amd grumpy amos(zits). Kay(small boobs), a well known vampire, lures travellers to an unknown area, and then strikes i.e DJ's, taking money, dignity and personal identification for fraud purposes. But by far the worst barmaid of the stag hotel is mercedes or flat chested "fiat" as she is otherwise known, if she isn't talking complete nonsense she is flirting with every man in sight, never believe a word she says-she is definitely not to be trusted. Club Mondo's was one of Banchory's finest attractions that had dissolved during its peak, with wealthy middle-aged mothers and teachers to go clubbing on a Friday night to avoid visiting the city of Aberdeen in an attempt to preserve their lack of culture and dignity and also disregard any responsibility they have back home to dedicate their lives to for one night of dancing on a floor stickier than a Chinese sweatshop.
The Battle of the Feugh
On sounding the alarm of the Sassanach invasion, a band of around 35 local farmers were completely overwhelmed by the 4,500 strong army at the Battle of the Feugh which took place close to the Bridge of Feugh around dinner time on March 17th, 1679. The 35 strong mob armed only with pitchforks and large pointy sticks had barracaded both the road and foot bridge across the River Feugh but were easily mowed down by the charging twats in Range Rover 4x4s.
The English who then captured the town as a result now plan on using Banchory as a staging post to take over the remaining and scarce Deeside Estates still under Scottish ownership. Scottish householders to this day are still invaded by the Queen’s Balmoral Army who will stop at nothing to clear all land from Braemar to the Aberdeen suburbs of Peterculter (see Highland Clearances and Drumoak Massacre).
Two local nutters kayaked it on more than several occasions much to the amusement of the blood thirsty bystanders watching salmon jumping!!!
Banchory residents are known as Sasannachs, although the only famous one, James Scott (the Skinner) is well depicted in local folklore. This infamous local bandit was responsible for over 230 roadside robberies and over 500 murders between 1843-1927, most of which he conducted in the Inchmarlo area to the west of the town. He acquired the nickname The Skinner as after looting wealthy businessmen en route to Aboyne and further afield, he would skin his victims alive using a rusty knife and impale the corpses up on trees to dry in the Sun. The remaining skin would then be stored as a source of protein for when he hid inside a small cave in the nearby Burn O'Vat during the winter months.
Eventually he was captured in 1927 and was hanged to death in the town courtyard now known as Scott Skinner's Square. A lasting memorial in memory of all of Skinner's 542 documented victims was later erected on top of the nearby Scolty Hill (pronounced Skoa'y by locals, Scaulty by incomers) in 1931, although this number is most likely to be in the region of 700-750 as the official number excludes the one time he flipped out when on a visit to the local Subway, the useless guy (which one remains unknown) asked him if he wanted bacon on his Chicken Bacon Ranch™.
The Banchory show is held every July and attracts a good sized crowd of squabbling tourists to King George V Park which is usually overrun by S4 teenagers from Banchory Academy, inflicting cruel, violent acts on any handicapped 4 year olds who try to use the ziplines. There are an Agricultural Show, Spot the Scotsman, Dog Show, Sheepdog Trials, Craft Fair, Smack the Scotsman on the head with a soggy wet sponge, Highland Dancing Competition, a Conservatory Party tent to further expand Banchory's territory one square mile at a time, Under 16s Smoking and the Scolty Hill Race (where you are chased up by a hairy ginger man with a big stick), as well as traditional fairground stalls, games and drunken fights outside the local bars (see Stag Hotel).
Other annual events also include Live on the Lawn, an Over 40s alterative to T in the Park where locals can get treated to the vocal treats of Runrig, Van Morrison, Bryan Ferry and more recently the Sugababes so that the male population can be treated to some female talent once in a while.
Crathes Castle is a little castle which sits at the point where three Scottish rivers meet; the Feugh, the Dee and the Don. Renowned as Scotland's most romantic Castle with a superbly beautiful and romantic setting, Crathes Castle possesses a dream like quality (and a lot of flowers).
The most photographed castle in the world, Crathes Castle is also Scotland's most romantic and recognizable. Although the island of Crathes has been a fortified site for at least eight hundred years, the present building dates largely from the early 20th century. Today's castle, which rose from the ruins of its predecessor, was rebuilt between 1912 and 1932 by Lieutenant Colonel John MacRae-Gilstrap. It has even featured in both the movie Highlander and the cult classic Stingray.
Crathes is quite unique, the product of an incredible feat of determination and devotion to restore the Castle for the McChory family. It is hard to believe that the present castle has yet to celebrate its 100 birthday, but easy to be absorbed by the atmosphere of a place which has stood witness to so much history.
The town is most famous for its football team Banchory St Ternan F.C. who compete in the Scottish Junior Football Association, Northern Region. However, for being useless year in year out, the local Community Council who pretty much run the town banished the team from the town’s George V Park. The ‘Saints’ are now forced to play their home games outside of the town at the nearby Milton Park, Crathes. Later the Community Council then forced the team to add the name St Ternan to their name to reduce the chance of anybody associating their town with that kind of rubbish on a weekly basis.
The town's most famous sport of course is 'starting on people that did nothing wrong' which all the friendly cruizers and neds play. A Junior Version of the game is also played by teenagers while older teens start fights with youngers ones. This of course reminds us of the recent mishap where an S5 started on and S4 and got 'Layed The Fuck Out' by "Windy fuckin' miller" (who bench presses houses) outside of the Burnett (thank you for the entertainment, Daniel). Rules of the games include:
- Start on them when they're drunk
- Take all your posse so they can't fight back
- Make sure you pick a weak one
- Lie about the story the next day to your mates outside the cruizer bay
The town was also home to the much more successful Banchory Bangers Quidditch Team in the Early 20th Century. The team who won the Golden Flying Stick no less than 5 times was then controversially disbanded after being thrown out of the National Quiddich League for accidentally fielding a mudblood, who was later disciplined after a brawl in the local DJs Nightclub.
Banchory Academy (or Bonkory Academy as it has now been changed) is the Secondary School that caters for Banchory, Strachchcan, Durris, Cults, Aberdeen, England and pretty much anywhere else as long as you compliment the Rector. It was formed in 1986 after school children got fed up of commuting to Cults Academy, where they were repeatedly stabbed and lynched for being "country teuchters ayee". The Academy has a population of 15,000, despite only being built for 3 or 4. Students have to grease up every morning to be able to slip and slide to get to their next class in time, since the clever eight period day was changed to six periods. Yeah, like that made sense.
Bonkory Academy is host to a plethora of myth and legend, including the fabled "where does our sponsored walk money really go?". Rumour has it that the millions of pounds raised from the gruelling and often vodka-filled saunter does not go to the students benefit, but in fact is the backbone for the teacher's annual 'piss-up and feel sorry for ourselves' party. Part of the money also goes towards the tea and crumpets that are proffered to the sixth year's on the last day of school, when they would rather be drinking champagne in a local park.
The annual muck-up day is unique to the Academy. Despite allegations that it is purely for the student's benefit, these pranks are graded and go towards the student's final exam results. The infamous Coffee Bar turfing received an A+, and Depute Rector Mr MacDonald was given an honourary certificate for 'going along with it all'. Other pranks have included ducks, tractors, balloons, and gorilla costumes. Unfortunately due to high studying pressure, this year's S6 were far too busy to come up with something original, and instead just had lots of fun. How very disappointing.
The Former Names of Banchory
- Kincardine O'Neil
Other Deeside towns
- Strachan / Straaaaan
- Tornaveen - although that's not really a town
- possibly Birse
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