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What is Banana Mobile?
Banana Mobile is a simple enough concept to understand—wireless communications are too expensive, have grown increasingly complex, and have overcapitalized on human interaction. The purpose of Banana Mobile? To create a wireless communication system that replaces the existing one with banana phones. It's that simple. Really.
Basically, a banana phone is a banana. You can use the banana phone to call whomever you fancy calling. Call your buddy in Oakland, your accountant in St.Louis, Janet Jackson, your grandmother in a Munich cemetery. It's really about freedom of choice. Freedom of communication. Freedom of conversation. There are never any minutes to count, service costs next to nothing. Can you eat your costly Razr handset? Well, your probably could. But would it be chock full of potassium rich, velvety sweet goodness? No. It would be crunchy, cold, tasteless, and may even shock you. And it's costly, too. With banana phone, you can eat your handset, throw away the case, and purchase another handset at any of the widely found authorized retail centers which include Wal-Mart, and national chain grocers such as the Piggly Wiggly to name a few. You can even grow your own hand sets at home, or pick up handsets at roadside banana vendors. The options are aimed at convenience for you the client.
Millions of people have made the switch to Banana Mobile, citing perhaps the most valuable feature of the innovative, affordable service as the ability to really enjoy conversations. With a banana phone, you don't have to call in sick at work. You don't have to pick it up if it's work calling to fire you for not calling in sick. With a banana phone, it isn't even work if you don't want it to be. It's Placido Domingo. It's a meerkat. It's free.
Banana Mobile Company
Banana Mobile has recently announced they will hold a press conference in mid November to give the cellular phone giants an oppurtunity to wave their white flags of surrender before sending in the ape troops. Banana Mobile spokeswoman, once famous primetologist Jane Goodall, stated to several media outlets that "Our plan to become the world's foremost ceullar services provider will be implemented with swift and stern rigidity. We don't plan to settle, or make negotiations. The big companies will be given time to vacate their buildings, and surrender their towers to our company. If they fail to comply, we will have to kill them all." Goodall ended her statement with an eerie laugh, and made a creepy stabbing motion with her hand which gripped the latest model of banana phone. No further comments have been made by Goodall, who also noted that she has said more than enough.
The Banana Mobile empire has been growing by leaps and bounds, first being cited as the first and largely only cellular service provider for small tribes in indigenous Latin America and the Amazon. One tribe leader of Amazonian peoples, commented on Goodall's recent revelation—"death to 'can you hear now me' man!". Indeed, sentiments among international Banana Mobile clients are bubbling.
In the U.S., Banana Mobile is already taking the world by storm. Many people have made the switch to a banana phone, citing it was far more convinient, inexpensive, and delightful to make up their own fantasy conversations on the banana phone than is it to actually speak to annoying people. One customer, Kansas college student Brian Avery says, "Yeah man, I like to use the banana phone. Now whenever my girlfriend calls me, it's Carmen Electra and she wants to tear my pants off and cook me a lasagna." Another customer, Rolanda Shanikwa Jackson-Wright of Tampa adds, "Fo sho, I done drop my razr phone in da toilet at da olive garden, fo real I was wiggin'. But now wit da new banana phone, I drop my phone I can just git anotha at da supermarket." It's true that Banana Mobile phones are easy to get, you can just walk into any one of the easy to find authorized Banana Mobile vendors, such as Publix, the Piggly Wiggly, Wal-Mart, even roadside fruit stands. Yet, some establishments have negative things to say about the phone. Piggly Wiggly in Raleigh, N.C. manager Steve Bosworth says, "We have a lot of people come in and they think they'll save even more money by pulling just one phone from the bushel. But you have to buy the whole bushel. The price is for the entire set of phones." Interesting.
History of Banana Mobile
Perhaps the most surprising thing to note about Banana Mobile is—why didn't this communications revolution take place earlier? We've had the tools for so long, and monkeys have been using them forever. Zookeeper Troy Vangoodlooker at the New York Zoo had this to say, "Monkeys in zoos use banana phones all of the time to organize their break-out think tanks. There's really no other way that a gorilla in the East compound can communicate with his friend in the South compound without the banana phone. It's really a brilliant idea. Too bad we keep intercepting their banana calls and foiling their plans. They're never getting out of here." Oh really? According to Banana Mobile and Goodall, if the big cellular companies don't go peacefully, a powerful army of man-eating apes will see to it that the new regime of wireless communication is set up.
"I wish things didn't have to get so bloody" states B-list, or maybe even D-list, actor and Banana Mobile spokesman, Bill Paxton. "I personally love the service. I never get any dropped calls. It's so cheap too. I mean no one calls me so, whatever. But it's still nice to know that if that banana phone did ring, I'd pay close to nothing for the call." Bill Paxton is one among a growing number of celebrity endorsers of the banana phone. Another spokesman, Kim Jong Il, likes how affordable it is to call the U.S to make threats of nuclear war.
Will Banana Mobile sucseed as the world's largest cellular company? Will Catherine Zeta-Jones go quietly into obscurity once and for all? Or will she make another Zorro movie? Will she answer that dammned bell Douglas keeps ringing to signal it's diaper changing time?
Paxton says that last question is irrelevant. "I think we will sucseed. Hopefully, not too much blood will be shed. But I think this is good for the American people. All we want to do is live in our little fantasy lands, and pretend we're talking to really important people on the phone. I don't want my wife to call me and remind me to pick up the papertowels on my way home. To me, that isn't what cellular communication should be about." he adds. Later we reminded him he didn't have a wife. "See, that's the cool thing about banana mobile. You can have whatever you want with the banana phone. For less."
Nay-sayers of the mobile movement, such as T-Mobile spokesperson Ronald Schuld negates the affordability of the banana phone. "Anyone who thinks using a banana to make phone calls is cheaper than buying a traditional handset is ignoring the long term costs of maintaining the service. You have to think about the replacement of the banana handset on almost a monthly if not weekly basis. The bananas go bad." says Schuld. The Dan S., of Cingular Wireless adds, "Yeah, and anyways, you can't make real phone calls on a banana. That's all make believe! You can't really call anyone! What the hell kind of phone is that?"
Well, it is up to the American consumer what kind of phone it is. Banana Mobile has already set into motion plans for a new model of handset, in partnership with Chiquita Banana. "We're introducing the mini-banana set soon. And for those who want a more durable handset that can double as a weapon, you'll soon be able to purchase the Plaintain version of our handset."