Bam Bam Bigelow
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Bam Bam "Balla Lala Ding Dong" Bigelow was born to parents, Barney "Wham Bam Thank Ya Ma'am" Rubble & Betty "It Was Me Who Put The Lime In The Coconut" Rubble sometime during the Jurassic Park era. Bam Bam passed away in January of 2007. He will forever be remembered for his high flying abilities in the world of professional wrestling and his child hood career that documented his early life on reality show The Flintstones and later with his first wife Pebbles on the "Pebbles & Bam Bam variety hour".
edit Early life and fame
Bam Bam was born and raised in the small town of Bedrock where he was born into a reality TV show based around his parents and there neighbors Fred and Wilma. He was born a small fair haired little baby he liked to hit things on the head with a club. Unfortunately due to another show's baby doing that from the time called, "Dinosaurs", Bam Bam suffered the fatal decision from executives to not hit people on the head any more with a club, nor to yell out "Not The Mamma" or "Again". This cruel decision left Bam Bam with a tormented childhood while he was still contracted to the show he was born into.
Bam Bam had to undergo extensive brainwashing therapy to stop hitting things that lead to his anger issues and built up rage in later life. As a child born into a reality TV show, he missed out on most of innocence a typical child would experience, with mean old executive producers and script writers molding him into what they felt he should be. Bam Bam did however find love with his next door neighbor, Pebbles Flintstone. They where both born around the same time, and grew up together as playmates. They shared a bond that was unique. However when chemistry between them was starting to shine through, the couple where forced to not take there relationship any further as on the reality show, Bam Bam was the child of Barney and Betty, and Pebbles was the offspring of Fred and Wilmas, however behind the scenes, the children where actually born to Wilma and Betty from both off screen affairs with the same man. No word as to who the father actually was, but speculations have surrounded Dino in suspicious circumstances. However this has never been confirmed.
Despite all efforts to separate the two, no one could keep them from sharing what was meant to be. The information got out to media that Bam Bam and Pebbles where dating, and where offspring of the same father. The claims where found to be accurate, and this led to the fall of ratings in the final series of The Flintstones and the show was canceled by the end of fall that year.
Bam Bam was then offered a large amount of money to go to a military academy and beat up someone named Major Payne. While he was away, his adoring wife Pebbles went and became the drummer for then known group, "The Flaming Titties" who eventually became known as "ZZ-Top" after Pebbles involvement with the group. Bam Bam was gone for several months after being put into intensive care and a coma for 4 years from the major lashing he received from Major Payne. When Bam Bam woke up and recovered from the coma, he returned to Bedrock to discover his love had died at the age of 3 1/2 from a drug overdose.
Bam Bam spent the next few years of his youth being angry at the world. He hit rock bottom and suffered from spouts of uncontrollable rage for the next few years. It wasn't until Bam Bam was 15 that he was called upon to be in a spin off of the Flintstones called "The Pebbles & Bam Bam" show. Bam Bam was not thrilled at the idea of someone else playing his beloved Pebbles, but executive producers insured Bam Bam it was the real Pebbles, they had made the decision to dig up her body and play "Weekend At Bernies" with her for the role.
Bam Bam agreed to do the series, and production begun the following week. The first episode was recorded without a hitch, as Bam Bam was happy to see his first wives corpse up and about again. But halfway during the filming of the second episode, Bam Bam flipped out that Pebbles just was not who she used to be, he went into a rage of anger and destroyed the set yelling at Pebbles for not looking after her body well over the years, and that she just was not the same women he used to love. The Decision to axe the show came and Bam Bam flipped out, saying even though she has changed, no one was taking away his Pebbles again, and he took his wife's body and swallowed her whole where she was kept safe from being a media puppet from the evil executives to use as they wish.
Bam Bam and his deceased and digested wife fled Bedrock and headed East to find a new career.
edit The Beast From The East
Bam Bam relocated to the East (23 miles south of 'Parts Unknown' and 'Dudleyville') where he met a wrestling trainer who offered to train Bam Bam to be a beast in the wrestling ring. Bam Bam soon learned the ropes and was looking to be a future talent for the world of wrestling. Bam Bam debuted in 1987 for the PMS on CBS wrestling show. And was soon a rising name around the independent wrestling circuits.
edit World Wildlife Foundation
In May 1987, he signed with the World Wildlife Foundation. Where he debuted against one of the big names of the WWF at the time, Ricky The Rhino. The storyline upon his debut was that the various heel monkeys were all vying for Bigelow's services. The angle was thus called "The Stampede for Bam Bam." Bigelow in the end wound up a babyface when he denounced all the heel managers and announced that he was going to work for money, and not bananas. Fans were entertained by Bigelow's unique style and his remarkable agility for a man who carries his dead wives body inside his belly. His first WWF encounters were with Nikita The Cheetah. Bigelow wrestled as a part of the Homosapian Invasion team at the first WWF Man VS Animal Hell In A Birdcage PPV where he teamed with "Hulk Hogan", "Rocky Bal "Boa-Constrictor Killer" & "Chuck Norris" where they went up against the Four Horsemen that consisted of Mr. Ed, My Little Pony, Francis The Talking Mule and one of the horses from Galaxy Quest, in which Bam Bam incredibly survived longer than even his teammate Chuck Norris. This match was the biggest draw in history, never has a match of this extraordinary magnitude ever been seen since. He even eliminated the referee, King Kong and took out a gang of Lions cheering in the audience, but eventually lost to sole survivor My Little Pony. He wrestled in the WWF for one year after that, before leaving to have surgery on a badly injured thumb that he had received a nasty paper cut to in a match against a couple of chimpanzees.
edit NWA and Japan
After leaving the WWF. Bigalow took some time off to heal from his paper cut industry before returning to wrestling. Bigalow found a job with rap artists, NWA "Niggers With Attitude" where he became there bass player. It was soon discovered by the NWA that Bam Bam was not of ebony colored skin when he took off his tights for the first time in 4 years to reveal he was actually a white man who just needed a good scrub down. Bam Bam was offended by this decision and proceeded to kick the arse of the NWA, in a scuffle he found himself on top of an amplifier during the scuffle he kicked one of the NWA members in the head, that laid him out on the ground, the amplifier was hit in a way that it was falling backwards under Bam Bams feet, and he fell head first into the skull of a laid out member of NWA. Bam Bam got up feeling no effect from it, and wondered if that move would always feel like that, so he laid out the rest of the NWA and proceeded to climb the amps and leap off for later became his signature move, the flying head butt.
Bam Bam left the NWA and headed to Japan to beat up small and weak men and perfect his top rope diving headbutt.
edit Return to the WWF
In late 1992, Bigelow returned to WWF. In his first pay-per-view appearance after his return, Bigelow defeated Barney The Dinosaur at the 1993 Royal Rumble. That June, Bigelow made it to the finals of the 1993 King Of The Roost, losing in a match to Yogi Bear. Soon after, Luna Lassie became Bam Bam's love interest and manager. Bigelow went on to feud with Billy The Beaver and Doink the Doberman ; he lost to Billy The Beaver at the 1994 Royal Rumble and teamed with Luna to defeat Doink and Dink The Dobermans at WWF In Your Kennel. In mid-1994, he was made part of Million Dollar Mutt's, Million Dollar Mutts faction, where Bigalow often teamed-up with fellow corporation members Benji, and Lassie (now a heeler). Bigelow also survived a high profile Survivor Series-style match, with Corporation member King Kong, at the 1994 Survivor Series; they faced Theodore Rex's "Fleas and Ticks" team.
Yet another unconventional storyline was bestowed upon Bigelow. After Bigelow and Lassie lost in the finals of a WWF World Butt Sniffing tournament to Bob Collie and the 1-2-3 Fetch Kid at the 1995 Royal Rumble, Bigelow was mocked at ringside by former TV Superstar Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Bam Bam fought back, shoving "The Tool Man" at ringside, and was soon engaged in a highly-publicized feud with the famous ex-star of stage and screen, and known association for helping promote Excel Pet. Bigelow was defeated by Taylor in the co-main event at WrassleLamia XI. Shortly thereafter, Bigelow was turned babyface when he had a bath again and reminded everyone he was white. Publicly he quit the Million Dollar Mutts. He was teamed with then WWF World Champion Wilbur Pig at the 1995 King of the Ring; they defeated new recruited Mutts members Adam Ant and Mighty Mouse.
edit Extremely Eastern Championship Wrasslin'
After rumored problems backstage with WWF owener Scooby Doo, Bigelow left the WWF in late 1995 and made a few appearances in the original 'Extremely Eastern Championship Wrestling' in early 1996, feuding with The Tasmanian Devil. Though Taz choked Bigelow out and ate off half of he foot, the two never had a match. Later in the year, Bigelow would have a match against "Boom Boom" Badger. He won, the match. On November 17, 1996, Bigelow competed in a "Are-U-From-Japan" mixed martial arts event against Danial (Coruso) San & Mr Miagi. Bigelow was dominated throughout the match, being mounted within the first 10 seconds by Mr Miagi's 'Fist Of Fury' anal rape techniques. He lost to a rear end assault while being in a naked choke from Danial San [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] In an RF video shoot interview he participated for in 1998, he stated that he was paid $20 for the anal assault, but agreed that he would be willing to take part in other anal fights, though he never did. He also claimed that the match wasn't a root, and neither was any of the other matches on the card, with the exception of one that Richard Simmons was involved with. Despite not being a trained mixed martial rapist, Bigelow was able to command a substantial purse for the fight. Bigelow claimed in his 1998 RF Video shoot interview that he received $40; though it has been suggested by others that he actually received $39. Bigelow later commented that despite the crushing defeat he would gladly sign up for other 'Mr Miagi's Goes After You Ass' fights providing the pleasurable rewards were as appealing.
He returned to EECW in 1997, eventually joining with the newly-formed 'Anal Avengers' faction, with Chris "Cant Butt Fuck This" Candidcamera and lead member Shane "No Pain In The Ass For Me Thank You Very Much" Dickless. Bam Bam was a dominant force in EECW, carrying out feats of strength such as hurling Spike Jones out of the ring and into the audience and slamming the Tasmanian Devil through the ring itself. He held the EECW Television Championship, then put it back where he found it, and also found the ECW Championship during this day of exploring the props department. Soon he turned on fellow 'Anal Avenger' Shane Dickless, under the guidance of Rodney Rude and won the EECW World Heavyweight Title in October 1997. Unfortunately he didn't hold it very long as it weighed 12 tonnes and his back went out trying to carry it. He'd go on to lose to Shane Dickless at the 'November To Remember When I Dismember Your Ass Without Lube, Extreme Hardcore Anal Fuck' PPV in a classic match. Both men were so badly fucked in the ass by the end that neither could get it up anymore, but Shane Dickless cheated when the Referees back was turned and his manager threw a concrete dildo into the ring. They continued to feud, with Bam Bam looking to Tasmanian Devil to join him in his campaign against the Anal Avengers. Eventually, he turned on Taz by fucking him in the ass, and rejoined the group as an Anal Avenger. His reign as ECW World Buttfuckk Champion began with a victory over Taz at the 'Living Dangerously Without A Condom' PPV in March 1998. After defending the title in a few vicious brawls with Ron Jeremy, Bigelow was defeated by Jean Santa Clause Van Dam. JSC-VD was assisted by a Sabre Tooth Tiger, who had been recruited from the WWF. Van Dam was only supposed to "soften up" against the Beast From The East, but ended up doing things the hard way. It was during a pounding from behind that Bigelow just snapped, and beat the crap out of everyone in site and proceeded to extract his revenge on all members of the Anal Avengers, Danial San, Mr Miagi, Jean Claude Van Damn, 7 ring officials, 2 announcers, 1 ring girl, 25 members of the audience and Alan Partridge in a pear tree.
This act of getting back at all those who had tried to steal his manhood made Bigelow happy to feel like justice had been done, and it was time to move on from the EECW.
edit World's Crappiest Wrestling
On November 16, 1998 Bigelow debuted in World's Crappiest Wrestling. He initially was portrayed as an unwelcome guest from outside, but soon was foreseen as a #1 contender when he started taunting and perusing the Heavyweight Champion of the time, Whoopi Goldberg. Bigelow confronted Goldberg and told her he was not there to not challenge her for the title, but he wanted to just beat her up for not doing a funny movie since Sister Act 2. Goldberg took offense to this, and the challenge was issued for the following PPV, Bash Up The Beach on January 21st, 1999. Bigelow was encouraged by the audience to be victorious over Goldberg. And he hit the flying head butt smashing open Goldbergs skull, and won his first WCW Heavy Weight Championship. Bigelow would lose the title in the first ever "Ambulance Match" at the June 3rd We've Run Out Of Ideas PPV, when the Ambulance was just too heavy to body slam for Bigelow and would run down Bigelow for a rolling victory.
edit Independent circuit
Bigelow remained with WCW until the company was purchased by the World Wildlife Foundation in March 2001. Bigelow just was not interested in wrestling animals anymore, so he returned to the independent scenes, making several appearances for small time promotions. He performed his final wrestling match on October 25, 2006 for the Mortal Kombat Wrestling promotion, teaming with Subzero in a tag team match against Scorpion and Zangief where they where victorious after Sub Zero froze Scorpion and Bam Bam smashed the laid out ice frozen Scorpions skull apart with a flying headbutt while Zangief was distracted trying to wrestle with the outside interference of Yogi Bear and Kujo (former WWF talents).
edit Later life and death
In 2004 Bam Bam was forced to retire from Wrestling when he ran into a burning house to save 3 children when Superman was preoccupied with stopping Kobe Bryant from raping people in L.A.Bam Bam suffered bad burns to his arms and cloths that prevented him from being able to kick anyone's ass anymore. Several months later he was brought up on charges of endangering the welfare of the children. The charges where dropped when Superman stepped in to applaud Bam Bam for his heroic efforts, and asked Bam Bam to become the sectary for him at the Justice League. Bam Bam worked for 3 years in the Justice League mail room before suffering a major heart attack after seeing a preview that The Hulk had been remade.