Balwyn High School
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||
| Motto | Constanter ac Fideliter (constant infidelity) | ||
| Official language | Chinese, English also used | ||
| Government | Communist democracy | ||
| Established | 1954 | ||
| Average VCE-ENTER | 95 | ||
| Average VCE-ENTER (Without Asians) | 0.09 | ||
| Mascot | Combination of a Griffindor, Ravenclaw and a slightly enraged pig. | ||
Balwyn High School is a Communist Democratic High school (years 7-12) in the suburb of Balwyn North, in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. As of 2009 it has some 1,900 students and over 180 staff crammed into 15 or so buildings, making it a pretty shit place to learn. The school was established in 1954 by Sir Henry XPlore, after whom the recently constructed 'XPlore centre' is named. In recent years the school has developed a particular focus in science, music and microwave cookery. Classes are taught principally in English, although Chinese is the language most frequently used by students, followed by muzza.
Contents |
[edit] Location and school zone
Balwyn High is the only secondary school in North Balwyn, a suburb commonly known to locals as "North Brawlwyn". This is due to the disposition of many teenagers from the oppressed, white minority to engage in brawls on the school oval and in nearby Macleay Park. The underlying cause of this behaviour is the fact that there is nothing else to do, as Balwyn is a 'dry zone' (no booze), and is also 'affluent' (few or no sluts). For this reason, the suburb is also affectionately called "North Boring".
[edit] Recent Achievements
In the Spring of 2006, fights placed Balwyn High School at the centre of a large scandal, which involved appearing on the front page of the Herald Sun as a result of a fight being filmed. This phenomenon has naturally progressed to other parts of the media, with current affair shows airing numerous videos of such fights in order to frighten old people and to teach stupid people how to be stupid in a more current, up-to-date fashion.
The incident itself was blown out of proportion, with the alleged 'victim' (instigator) and his 'academic' (belly-dancing) mother clearly seeking compensation from the alleged 'instigator' (in the red corner), who had 7 years of 'kick-boxing training' (2 weeks of tae-kwon-do).
This particular incident led the former principal to investigate his suspicions of a fight club and gang operating within the school system, known as the White Caterpillars. The White Caterpillars were a splinter group of S Club 7, one of the most dangerous musical groups in the world. In order to keep their existence a secret, they decided not to exist. However, this didn't fool officials at Balwyn High School, who cottoned on and interrogated countless students using waterboarding techniques, as well as occasionally hooking up car batteries to random limbs and body parts, though they have since denied the use of this as a torture tactic, stating instead that it was "something to do".
The tendency towards violence is also due to many young people in Balwyn being incredibly sheltered, and thinking that a slap fight at the age of 8 makes them 'hardcore'. These youths often don't make it past their first trip to Melbourne's CBD.
[edit] Academic Brilliance
Balwyn High School prides itself on academic achievement in the VCE system, an achievement made possible by the school's strategic expulsion of any ethnic group that doesn't hail from Asia, and replacing them with an influx of international students whose brains also function as calculators and can connect to wireless internet. As a result of this influx of Asian people, Balwyn also possesses one of the worst motor accident rates in the world, with over four car crashes occurring every 14.267 seconds. This means that living in Balwyn increases insurance premiums and excess by 423649%, with a premature death rate worse than that of black males living in Compton.
Balwyn High School's strategic rise to the top of the public VCE education system has also come about as a result of cheating attempting to act like a private school, even going as far as to state: "Private school education, public school price" as one of its slogans for the school's mandatory 6 year tours. This, however, turned out to be a misguided front for a scam operation by the White Caterpillars in conjunction with their sister gang, Dumbledore's Army, and the deposed Prince of Nigeria. The mistake in the slogan, which was meant to read "Public school education, private school price" in order to attract rich people who like to slum down a little, sparked off a gang war between the once friendly gang factions, culminating in the eventual downfall of Dumbledore, who was killed by White Caterpillar general and double agent, Severus Snape.
[edit] School image and recent developments
Evidence of Balwyn High's efforts to resemble a private school is notoriously subtle, with only the most careful observers noticing the following changes that occurred under the former and present Reich:
- Launch of the 'Aim High' Building Program. Following disagreement among school council, the inspiration for the program's name ultimately came from the school janitor, who, distressed at the state of the boys' toilets' floor, pleaded with coordinators to encourage male students to 'aim high'. The program itself involved the demolition of the old E block (an event which forced the relocation of the resident asbestos) and its LOTE classrooms and the construction of the
Tower of Babelcurrent, two-storey structure dedicated to Year 7 students. LOTEs were marginalised to portable buildings on the outskirts of the school, while Year 7s were able to 'settle in' to Balwyn High by taking all their classes in just one building. As a result, some students go into Year 8sucking at lifereporting that they still do not know how todo anything at allfind their way to many parts of the school.
- Construction of the 'XPlore' Centre, in honour of the school's founder Sir Henry XPlore. The structure, rather like Henry XPlore himself, is a tall, grey, mostly pointless occupant of time and space, and, like Sir Henry, is adorned with a massive vagina (or "Pod of learning") that welcomes motorists who approach the school from Sylvan St. Shortly after the opening of the building, a large section of the ceiling collapsed forcing the temporary closure of the building. The cause of the collapse is unknown, though popular theories include sabotage by the White Caterpillars, generally shithouse feng shui, and the possibility that the Pod of Learning was having its period and was therefore aggravated. The building is primarily used by musicians, sailors, and Year 9 students in the 'XPlore Program', which involves students forming groups to work on fuck all for two weeks.
- Frequent amendments to the school's uniform policy, in an effort to keep up with the fashion of nearby private schools. Over 1200 changes to the uniform policy have occurred since 2005, including a period of eleven weeks in late 2006 when it was forbidden for Sagittarius students to wear black socks on Tuesdays with temperatures between 12 and 18.5 degrees Celsius, unless both Collingwood and the Western Bulldogs had won by a combined total of more than 37 points during the previous weekend. Of course, this policy was completely ridiculous and unenforceable, so it was subsequently changed to an interval of 13 and 18.5 degrees. Presently, God knows what the uniform policy is.
- Changes to the school's emblem and colours. The school is in the process of replacing the traditional 'bottle green' with 'wanker blue' so as to emulate the colour schemes of more elite schools. The school emblem, a Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-enraged pig cross, also changed to blue and appears to have lost some weight in addition, possibly a result of a diet heavily reliant on the overpriced, watered down food at the school canteen.
- Introduction of the 4-period day, as of 2009. This is part of a strategy to gradually reduce the number of periods in the timetable in order to become more like private girls' schools, where students have just one period a month. This, however, was at odds with the original proposal to introduce 100 period days, and was voted down by the School Council.
- Installment of plasma television screens to every room in the school, including toilet cubicles and the sports storeroom. Instead of actually showing T.V., these screens perform the function - vital to the operation of the school - of looping through room changes, bulletin messages, and quotes by some guy at a pace that rivals Iceland's economic development. However, this slightly marginally useful function was recently replaced by a constant slideshow that involves displaying the time for two seconds and then looping through the 'Pillars of Learning' for the next 2 years.
- Construction of the 'Learning Poles'. In late 2009, Year 11 students were reportedly "inspired to learn" (The Lion Newsletter, November 2009) by the construction of six 'learning poles' just within the school boundaries. The construction of these poles involved the dumping of about 5 years accumulated industrial waste on the pavement outside the lockers as well as ensuring the "continued learning" of the students in the immediate area, by broadcasting "inspiring" quotes over the school PA system.
Proposals for future projects that have been approved by school council include an airport, synchrotron, a two-way petting zoo, and an international space program.
[edit] The 42 Day War
The '42 Day War', as it was termed by a simpleton who was only able to count to ten, lasted 26 days, and included a huge loss of life, none greater or more shocking than the 17,396,646 lost in what is now called "the battle for the smokers' hill". This began with an inconspicuous dispute between a midget and a person whose striking resemblance to the Muppet character "Pepe the Prawn" has led to his current career as a Muppet body double, and ended with the year 12s (Class of 2006) dropping a nuclear bomb on the G Block. The Class of 2006 is now remembered as the crazy, violent alcoholics, due to their tendency to drink alcoholic beverages whilst engaging in acts of violence.
Other storied achievements of this particular class include their destruction of arch-nemesis Kew High, whom they forced into submission using a triangle choke hold which left Kew High brain dead. This increased Kew High's VCE scores tenfold.
