From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Year founded: 1996 (YES FOUNDED)|
|City||Baltimore (Balmore), Maryland|
|Team colors||beat em up purple & black|
|Head Coach||John "older bro and NOT JIM" Hardballs.|
|General Manager||Ozzie Newsome|
|Super Bowls||Broke perfect streaks to get 'em. (XXXV and XLVII)|
“Hey! I have no clue who Ray Rice is. We rush again and again!”
“He both has stabbed the competition and is part deer.”
“Joe Flacco is such a douche! Can't even win a Super Bow-- Oh Crap! ”
“Flacco throws to Torrey Smith! Touchdown! Flacco flows to Jacoby Jones! Touchdown! Bernard Pollard hits a Patriot player. And...he's paralized!”
The Baltimore Crows AKA Ravens were the result of Edgar Allen Poe taking a shit fifty years after he was dead.
After Robert Irsay completely trashed Baltimore by moving the Baltimore Colts to Indianapolis, along with completely pissing on Baltimore again by being a whiny bitch about Baltimore's new team Canadian Football League by crying to a commissioner that Baltimore should not be named Colts, the Stallions went to championships anyway to be the only American city to win a Canadian trophy (NHL is piss and Toronto already won the World Series.
As the Stallions paraded with a trophy, Art Modell repeatedly attempted to get a new stadium from Cleveland, who procrastinated over and over again. Finally frustrated with this, he consulted Yoda who recommended that they move the team, a team screwed over and over again in the 80's by |that team with the South Park fans that got Peyton Manning year. Modell prepared to christen the team the Baltimore Browns AKA THE DEFECTORS and perhaps start a racial war that would have made Spike Lee so pissed, when he stepped on Poe's ancient shit, causing the Cleveland Browns to die and making the team the Baltimore Ravens. The Cleveland Browns resurrected in 1999, hoping to one day win a Super Bowl. (Seriously, after this fucker screwed your lives once again I hope you win in New York in 2014.) Anyway, the Ravens were born.
In 1996, they drafted Ray Lewis and Johnathan Ogden, and they beat Shittsburgh for the first time at home, that's all that was exciting this season. In 1997, Ravens still sucked ass. Pittsburgh loved this time. Also they tied with the Eggos, the only Freakin' tie in the history of the Franchise. 1998, nothing happened and at this point, Shittsburgh has swept the Ravens a second time. In 1999, Art Modell is pissed and fires a coach who won a championship for Baltimore in the USFL during the 80's but cannot do piss and hires Brian Billick. Ravens actually have a .500 season. Also, Shittsburgh is beaten and a new logo is created after paying three dollars to the security guy for complaining about copyright infringement (What do you expect from a commissioner who expands in Jacksonville and recommends Baltimore gets a museum?) Scientists conclude based on conclusive evidence from a well known source that these so called expansion team was still the DEFECTORS despite the Browns being reborn this year.
The Happy Time For Ray Lewis--The DEFECTORS BECOME THE RAVENS
RAVENS WIN SUPER BOWL And Ray Lewis cannot go to Disney World--END OF STORY!
The Beginning of the Brady, Manning, and Roethlesberger chacha Slide
Since 2001, only Oakland went to the Bowl to fight against pirates. Other than that Brady, Manning, and Roethlesberger shed their light of success to win super bowls each year. The victims are Seattle, Philly, St. Louis, Carolina, and Chicago. Meanwhile, the Ravens blew up by trying to keep the team together after trolling the Giants last year, resulting in mediocre play and Ray Lewis feeling let down by the big men. To make a long story short, they lost to Pittsburgh the following year. They sucked again next year. The following year, they won the title, but lost to the Tits. After sucking for two more years, they win the AFC North again in 2006, only to lost to Manning as he chocked his first super bowl. That game was won with field goal. The following year, the Ravens sucked so bad that they lost to Cam Caravan and the bucket of rotting fish in overtime. Biscotti ate Brian Billick that year. After consulting Sean Connery, Biscotti found a rock that he licked repeatedly until it formed into John Hardballs. The Suckiness would continue.
Joe Fumblin' Flacco Era
So after Steve McNair was called into service by the Red Army Choir, Kyle Boller was being a pussy again and became lazy, making him injured. Meanwhile, George Lucas pulled the backup to work on another Indiana Jones Bomb. Coach Hardballs hired Joe Flacco to start. Strangely enough, he has had a winning season every time he works. However, if it were not for I.R.K. (Irsay Rooney Kraft), and the fact that Flacco keeps fumblin' balls, there would be a dynasty (see below).
2008 to 2011 Seasons of Douchebaggery
At the start of the 2008 season, Joe Flacco was completely fucked up because Derrek Mason wiped his ass on the Terrible Towel. As everyone knows, Sauron is a close acquaintance of the Rooney Family. So EVERY SINGLE DAMN GAME that the Ravens played against the Steelers that year was always a FREAKIN' LOSS because Orcs kept eating all the footballs, causing the Refs to throw flags in Panic. This allowed the Steelers to win the AFC championship game, teasing the Arizona Cardinals about their first lombardi only to get a touchdown within a single minute of the game as Roethlesberger got another freakin' ring. That makes it three for Roethlesberger that third ring is for something else. Anyway, Flacco managed with Ray Rice to actually get into the playoffs again, actually beating Pittsburgh this time and bitchslapping Tom Brady along the way in the wild card, but once again was stopped by Peyton Manning and the DAMN HORSES with no Balls. The 2010 season was just the same and again the Ravens got a wild card BECAUSE JOE FLACCO WAS FUMBLED BY TROY Polamalu. A dropped pass by TJ Who's Man Za DUH cost the Ravens the game because ONCE AGAIN BEN Roethlesburger made a comback. Finally, in the 2012 season, Torrey Smith arrives from the Mushroom Kingdom, along with Anquan Boldin who sought revenge against BIG FUCKIN' BEN. This time the Ravens pummel everyone to dust, except for the Chargers, and pussy titans and jaguars (HOW THE HELL DID WE LOST THOSE???). To make a long story short, the Ravens cruise to New England where Whiny Brady pisses himself to get more flags. This the game where Billy Cundiff misses the field goal and everyone tries him as a witch (Lee Evans meanwhile sneaking off into the distance. Fortunately, IRK was defeated in the last three seasons by the New Orleans Saints, Cheeze, and of course, Eli Manning and his Magical Unicorn. Tom Brady's Wife beat Wes Welker with deep-fried butterfingers after that.
So this season was very crazy. After losing to the field goal, Evans and Cundiff were executed by King Henry VIII. Fresh new players like Jacoby Jones and Justin Tucker enter the scene. With replacement refs, all Hell breaks loose. Mickey Mouse was seen biting the flesh of Terrel Suggs which caused him to tear his ACL that year while playing basketball. Many veterans lost their lives and contracts fighting the demon. Art Modell passes on, leaving Yoda to face the wrath of Lucas alone. The season started with a thrashing of the Bungels. This was followed by a loss to Michael Vick. The sad thing was that Torrey Smith recently lost his brother to a motorcycle accident, the day that the Brady Empire of Miltanks marched into town to troll the Ravens. Fortunately, Flacco used Hyperbeam, Smith used Agility, and Justin Rookie Tucker used Low Kick, to win the game 31-30. However, a win against the Tony Homos cost Ray Lewis his torn Triceps and sent Lardarius Webb back to the hospital. This season became Hell as Houston teabagged the Ravens before the Bye. After the Bye Coach Hardballs fought against a coup that would have turned the league apart. Also, Al Capone was laughing from Aquaman's lair while this was happening. This led the Ravens to a pitiful four game winning streak against the Browns, a pitiful fight against the Oakland Winers, a thrashing of the Stools, and finally, a typical conversion on 4th and 29 by Ray Rice. However, the Crows got back into their normal form as they lost at home to the best Stoolers quarterback in the league Charlie Batch (this time, Flacco did not lose the ball). The week after, the Ravens did a miraculous performance as RG3 was sacked causing the backup to drive down the field and add eight points to the board. Did I not mention that Darth Vader used the death star to create a 60 yd kick return letting the Ravens leave FedEx with a score of 28-31. Hardballs kicked Cam Caravan out and put Jim Ballswell in as the OC. He did wonders as the Broncos beat the Ravens 34-17 by guess who! Eventually, Ballswell made the Ravens fuck it up by beating the Giants to secure the division title. That was disappointment. Later, the Bungels came and beat the Ravens, because that really mattered anyway like last year. Aside, Ray Lewis promised himself that he needed to go hunting and said that he would leave after the season. Joe Flacco promised revenge.
Nothing really happened this game. ESPN polled that the Ravens would lose, just like they accurately predicted that the Ravens would lost to each of the prior opponents. After all, Colin Kaepernick was going to be printed on a Wheaties Box for his contributions to the world of the NFL. So the Ravens start with a huge lead in the first half 21-6 in the first half. In the second half, Jacoby Jones scores a touchdown that people burn their furniture in disbelief. However, the Miracle occurs when the power goes out for a half an our. This causes the 49ers to roar to life and people cheer as the 49ers continue to score and Flacco continues to choke. Just as Kaepernick begins to put the game away, Ray Lewis hunts down Bambi and uses his spirit to become a guy in a suit and get into a knifefight with Donkey Kong. This allows Kaepernick to throw the ball into the hands of Crabtree. Dr. Who stops the play and makes the ball unreachable. This causes the Ravens to stall the ball for a minute with Hardballs to create a dumbass play of a safety, causing the 49ers to only have the ball for 4 seconds. Sadly, the 49ers won their sixth super bowl ring by losing the game. Ray Lewis leaves the team on a magic Carpet and never to be seen again.
Humans wearing Gold, Black, White, and Purple. They are the ones who do not throw food, trot around in tank tops bragging how their other sports team dominate the world of sports. They do not vomit on you. I.R.K. has basically tamed these fans to a lul, only saying Bullshit whenever an obvious bad call is called.
Teams to Hate
(r)-respectful hate (a)-absolute hate (m)-mediocre hate
Steelers (r)--Cause they always create fumbles and cheat to win the game. Patriots (a)--Enough Said, Tom Brady is a wuss. Streaks broken against this team. (Theirs!) Colts (r)--Johnny Unitas' legacy tarnished by Irsay. Manning beat us every time(Temporary Clemency due to Chuck Pagano and the fact they are now beatable). Broncos (m)--John Elway deserted the team. Beat Manning so no probs here. Cowboys (m)--Like the Yankees with Whiskey instead of Martinis. 49ers (m)--They are pissed at the Ravens. Kapernick was an attention whore. Also, the coach brother thing, a minor detail in the sportsworld. Bengals (m)--Hard to win at the stadium. Giants (m)--Broke streak of multiple wins as well. Not really much else. Seahawks (m)--hard as hell to beat Packers (m)--Probably will have problems with this one as well
Teams to Sympathize
Browns--Defectors Left Eagles--Took Hardballs from Andy Reid. Cardinals--Everybody has to sympathize with these guys Redskins--RGIII (hate if Synder is pissing you off) Texans--They deserve to be in the playoffs after Titans deserted them. Miami--Who else San Diego--Fair enough Buffalo Bills--Yeesh
Teams not mentioned on the previous list.
Fan anthem of the Ravens. They bring you da Purple pain. They have a site called The Caw. There is a marching band that has been around since 1946 when the original colts existed. There is a Ring of Honor for the Baltimore Colts. They do not brag about how they have six Super Bowls while not winning any championships prior to 1970. Green Bay has that privilege with 13 and you Don't. Muhammad Ali is a Ravens fan who actually visited the camp. True Ravens fans also watch Orioles games during the summer and not bitch and moan about consecutive losing seasons (that streak has also ended).
|Buffalo Bills||Baltimore Ravens||Houston Texans||Denver Broncos|
|Miami Dolphins||Cincinnati Bengals||Indianapolis Colts||Kansas City Chiefs|
|New England Patriots||Cleveland Browns||Jacksonville Jaguars||Oakland Raiders|
|New York Jets||Pittsburgh Steelers||Tennessee Titans||San Diego Chargers|
|Dallas Cowboys||Chicago Bears||Atlanta Falcons||Arizona Cardinals|
|New York Giants||Detroit Lions||Carolina Panthers||St. Louis Rams|
|Philadelphia Eagles||Green Bay Packers||New Orleans Saints||San Francisco 49ers|
|Washington Redskins||Minnesota Vikings||Tampa Bay Buccaneers||Seattle Seahawks|
|Terrell Owens | John Madden | Rex Grossman | Kyle Orton | O.J. Simpson | Scott Norwood | Al Davis | Dan Snyder| Brian Urlacher|
|Canadian Football League | American Football | Anti-Football | Real football|
|Patriot Act (football) | Marching band | The Super Bowl|