Baloneysconsin

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Baloneysconsin
Bizzarocow
Official language Silent Obscene Gestures
Motto: The Great Depression ain't got nothing on us and Nixon's gay
Government: Foxtrotskyism
State Animal: BizzaroCow
State Weapon of Choice: Fatboy Slim
Capital Cancerfish
Religion Lapsed Catholicism
Currency Assorted Milton Bradley board game pawns; Peanuts
Exports Peanuts, Small Pox, & Awful Demo Tapes
Imports Dear John Letters, Peanuts
State Mixtape "I put these songs together to help you understand what I'm going through" ~ Baloneysconsin
Official Cuisine Rum & Peanuts

Baloneysconsin was the clinically depressed 51st state of the United States of America. He was born in 1910 to parents he wishes were more abusive and was subsequently killed in 1957 by a much angrier and abusive Joseph "Marx" McCarthy, the governor of time.

edit Early life, career, and death

Baloneysconsin was given from the Native Americans (who then referred to him as Steven) to the "Round Eye" as a thank you gift for the Small Pox. The state, renamed Baloneysconsin, was founded by Milton Bradley and served as a Battleship during the WWI "Game of Life" Operation as America bravely fought the Jews in Candy Land. He was ratified as the 51st state in the union, graduating from grammar school in 1923 and received his diploma as a Soviet State of America. Since then Baloneysconsin has lived mostly a terribly painful and pointless life. He attempted suicide twice. After his first attempt he sought treatment and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. His alter personality has become the now famous Wisconsin. Baloneysconsin was finally killed by Lake Michigan in 1957.

edit The Depression Years

This isn't the famous Great Depression, but rather a lesser known, often ridiculed, schizophrenia caused by a lack of child abuse. Baloneysconsin's father Troy never beat him, and this was never a problem until Baloneysconsin hit adolescence. In his teens, he began writing awful poetry about his crush, Iowa. Iowa laughed in his face and started dating one of the Dakota brothers. Baloneysconsin went on Myspace, listened to Dasboard Confessional and cried. The problem was Baloneysconsin had nothing to cry about, he was just a pussy. Finally after many unsuccessful suicide attempts with butter knives, his mother Ulysses 31 gave in and let him see a psychiatrist. They diagnosed him with schizophrenia just so he would think he had a friend. Eventually Baloneysconsin actually developed schizophrenia, but by then nobody cared.

edit Governors

  • Milton Bradley (1923-1927): Baloneysconsin's first governor was entirely two-dimensional and lacked the ability to speak.
  • "?" (1927-1931): Baloneysconsin, being new at this whole "governor" thing, completely forgot to elect a new one. They just hung out for a few years. It was their most peaceful time in history, being the only period of not full-out war against the other 50 colonies.
  • J. Edgar Hoover (1931-1935): John Edgar Hoover, most famous for founding the F.B.I. was the third governor of Baloneysconsin. It is speculated that during his reign as governor he met his future "ass" director in the F.B.I., Clyde Tolson. It is also confirmed that they did have a crazy homo time together. By that I mean, they were flamers. By that I mean Baloneysconsin is totally gay. Hoover started the Feds immediately after he fell from his position of governor. He continued seeing Tolson. They continued to be completely gay. We also think he may have banged Nixon, but again, only speculation.
  • George Foreman (1935-1941): Knocked Hoover out in the first round and took his title as Governor. Reigned for 14 years until the attack of Pearl Harbor, where Japan destroyed his fleet of Lean Mean Fat Burning Machines. Always the good captain, Foreman went down with the ships.
  • Fatty Arbuckle (1941-1945): The second governor of the silent era, Fatty was already famous for his smash hits in Hollywood, most often remembered for "Silent Film: The Musical". Fatty actually won his governorship in a bet. Fatty hosted a party in his suite at the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco with two friends, Hollywood directors Uwe Boll and Jefferson Starship. They invited over a few aspiring actresses including, unbeknownst to him, a foreshadow of a woman named Virginia Rape. During the ensuing trial rapscallion George Washington Carver bet him the governorship of Baloneysconsin that he would not be acquitted. He was acquitted and instantly crowned governor. His first contribution was the "Don't Tell" campaign, which was launched against loose jawed hoes who couldn't keep their mouths shut. It was a rounding success / failure.
  • Ed Koch (1945-1949):
    Koch
    How'm I doin'?
    Life long queerbanger, Ed Koch, held the the position of governor of Baloneysconsin at knifepoint and mugged him furiously. He was elected unanimously by a vote of 12%, the highest voter turnout in recorded history of the state. While never actually getting anything done, Koch was insistent on his staff letting him know how he was doin'.
  • "George Washington Carver" (1949-1953): The one true inventor of the peanut and other assorted Planter's Nuts™ and son of George Washington and an unknown wench, George Washington Carver was elected governor under the communist party ticket. He believed that communes filled with his peanut farms could take over the world or something completely ridiculous like that. This was actually his second time in office, his first election was given to Fatty Arbuckle as he lost it in a bet. He eventually just completely lost focus and gained about 200 pounds from the massive amount of nuts he ingested. He still lives somewhere in Phoenix, AZ today, munchin' on scorpions and shit.
  • "Joseph McCarthy (1953-1957): Originally a senator from alter personality Wisconsin, Joe McCarthy took over as Governor of Baloneysconsin when he got wind of that crazy communist fool George Washington Carver making his plans of world domination. McCarthy blacklisted everyone in the state, put them in prison camps, and built a large swimming pool outside of the governor's mansion which took up the entire state. In the years to come this pool would become known as Lake Michigan, named after McCarthy's mother, Lake McCarthy. He and everybody in prison died in 1957.
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