Balkans
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“WATCH things get stolen!”
“We honestly don't care anymore. They just fight like children.”
~ Captain Obvious on The Balkans
The Balkan peninsula (U.S. English: This is where we get all the hookers and heroin from) is a historical place on Earth and a significant place in the Faroe Islands. Its history dates back to the beginning of man and rock throwing. Some of the first forms of human beings have evolved on this territory, and obviously have not evolved any more ever since. The Balkan peninsula is located just to the left of the end of the world. It is the most fucked up place the world, just ahead of Scandinavia.
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[edit] Demographics
This territory has always been populated by many species, notably the Albanian (Illyric or Grecophobic) and Montenegroin (Lazyodoic) tribes, as well as the Bulgarian (Tatarophonic), Greek (Mοnkeydonophobic) and Monkeydonian (Fyromians or Bulgarians ot Just-plain-idiotic) tribes, under the lead of Serbian (Ifuckyouallfuckinfuckheadedfuckheads) supreme tribes. Nowadays, the land is populated by millions of sheep and:
- Albanians (which are dedicated on working hard/soft/doggy on becoming the majority in the Balkans, Switzerland, the EU and the rest of the world, even China so far unsuccesfull)
- Bosniaks (identity-crisis but they know they're not Serbians nor Croats)
- Bulgarians (which are in reality Gypsies and Turks and Tatars, but all other Slavs are Bulgarian)
- Croats (which will cause a riot anywhere, whether it be tennis, waterpolo or handball or Dalmatian dog show)
- Greeks (which own everything, as a matter of fact, chances are that they actually own you, but you are still unaware of it. They like cheese.)
- Gypsies (they're everywhere except where they should be - India)
- Monkeydonians (Fyromians) (which are ancient people)
- Montenegrins (which are lazy Serbs)
- Romanians (what are they doing in this list?)
- Serbs (who are actually Serbs, but actually came from Mars, devine people, but unfortunately whole world is against them)
- Slovenians (which are no longer Slavs but like the name)
- Turks (which occupied this whole region for 500 years and fucked it up completely and forever)
All of those species have a majestic custom: that of whining and arguing about all of the other species. Flamewarring is mighty fun, and has lead to many a happy festival of sacking and pillaging in the good ol' Balkans. Tourists are encouraged to come in and make bets in the casinos about who's going to win the war (and there is, of course, usually one going on, or more, typically fought by hordes of barbarians in soccer-team clothes with flaming signs and pitchforks, shouting the name of some "foodball" team).
[edit] Altenative names
The Balkan peninsula is known as the oasis of peace in European popular culture and American unpopular culture (non-MTV culture). So as a matter of fact this name is accepted all across the world and other places... except for Iceland and Kyrgyzstan where they don't have the word oasis, and in China where it is forbidden to look it up on the internet. There has been rumor that the countries located on the peninsula want to change the name of the peninsula in the language of their country located on the peninsula, and the names and translations are as follows:
- Bosnian: Djesi ba? Jebo majku razbit ću ti pičku
Translation: We are not part of balkans, we are Turkeys neighbours
- Bulgarian: Мрете мазни турци!
Translation: It's half ours:
- Croatian: Kaj je mater ti jebem?
Translation: We're gonna fuck you all up!
- Greek: Θαίλο να γκαμοίθο των αιαυθώ μου, ϋ;
Translation: We've got a copyright to all the names there
- Macedonian: Ќур да јајте свитè
Translation: We need a visa to go there.
- Montenegrin: Đeee, Śeee, Źee, Зззз...
Translation: What's mine of it is Russian
- Serbian translation: Пичка бреее.../Pička breee...
Translation: It was all ours
[edit] External links
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[edit] History
In year 10000 BC, small tribe of humanoid creatures moved into central Europe. This tribe was the ancestor of today's Balkanians. Early, Neolithic Balkanians were simple, warrior society. When not in hunt, Balkanians usually threw stones onto their neighbors heads, pissed on neighbors grass or simply spent their free time killing each other. Although it seems impossible, evolution succeeded in (slightly) improving Balkanianians, so they won’t kill each other so often. Also, today’s Balkanians aren’t so hairy, some of them even walk straight and articulate words when speaking. But, savageness is still present in the life of today’s Balkanians. It’s just a matter of time when they will rise, and throw a rock on neighbor’s heads.
[edit] Religion
Balkanians are polytheistic society, but they traditionally worship a few major gods only. We'll mention some of them: 1) Ozujsko [pronounced O-zhooy-skou]. The goddess of happiness, fertility and laughter. Judging by some cave paintings, she's presented as large bottle of cheap strong beer. 2) Pelinkovac [Palin-ko-vatz]. The god of strength. 3) Spek [Shpeck] - the god of health and masculinity. Usually presented as a slice of bacon. Other, less popular gods are Luk, Cevapi, Pecenica, Droga etc. Some Balkanian tribes also worship dark gods like mighty Rakija [Rah-kee-yah] - goddess of death and madness, Pelinkovac's evil sister. Rakija is usually presented as a bottle of very strong plum brandy. Religious rituals are performed almost every day, being an important part of life to every Balkanian. Sadly, we don't have much information about Balkanians' religious rituals, but some excavations are telling us that these rituals are mostly concentrated on getting drunk, singing stupid songs, and (sometimes) trying to catch a female.
It also must be said, that the Gods worshiped by Balkanians are well known all over the world. They just have been given different local names by other societies. Some of them developed through the years, so not everyone knows their roots, but you'll surely find their traces in every culture/religion in this world
[edit] Society
Balkanians maintain very strong social relationships between tribe members, especially male warriors. They spend a lot of time together mostly praising gods (see chapter Religion) especially when their wives are not around - spreading epic tales of one's battle courage, sexual achievements or drinking endurance. While very eloquent in these situations, in others things they are totally opposite. In example, Balkan society have problems with certain words, like “labor" “job" or “work" It seems that the Balkanians lack the ability to fully understand these words. This anomaly is especially noticed in southern parts of Balkan.
[edit] Culture
Although the Balkanians know how to write and read, they’re not very interested in it. Their culture primary relies on music and poetry. Let’s mention just few of great Balkanian singers like Djuka Caic, Milo Hrnic, Mladen Brunac etc., whose songs put pride, honor and courage into hearts of mighty Balkanian warriors. Also, there are many poems written by unknown poets; poets in same time strong and fierce and emotional and vulnerable. Here are few ever-green lyrics (we didn’t translate them due to the fact that they would loose a lot of their charm): “Imam kitu ko telecu nogu / Zato nikog jebati ne mogu(traditional), “Mojoj maloj medj nogama janje / A u mene nozina za klanje “Ne zovi mala policajce / Ne zovi mala 92(M.Burnac)Really, masterpieces!! To learn more about balkanian culture visit these web sites: www.mladenburnac.tk; www.mrsupickumaterinu.com; http://pusi-kurac.majmune.org
[edit] Movement
The new situation of today's world caused Balkanians to declare war on other clans, groups and societies which are negating the joy of happy-go-lucky life. We oppose to all Dark-, Grim-, Shadow-, Black-, Chaos- and whatsoever -Warriors, -Reapers, -Deaths, -Thunders and so on, that came to take our Gods and our pleasures from us. Herby we are calling all of you to join our holy quest against Babylon. And it doesn't matter if you're not a Balkanac by blood - you can always be one by heart!
