Bali

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{{Wikipedia}}
 
{{Wikipedia}}
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{{Whoops|Indonesia}}
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{{Q|Where did the topless women go?|Confused Tourist|Balinese women}}
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{{Q|Australia on a budget|Not [[Australian]]|Bali}}
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{{Q|No, I don't need Indonesian visa. I'm going to Bali|Confused Tourist|Bali}}
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{{Q|Bali <u>is</u> a part of Indonesia!|Indonesian Immigration Officer|Bali}}
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{{Q|Never mind Indonesia. Welcome to Bali!|Balinese sellout|Bali}}
   
[[image:Indonesia_bali.png|300px|thumb| Location of Bali, according to the offical 2007 map from ''Indonesian Ministry of Tourism''.]]
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Bali is actually an [[island]] as well as a province of Indonesia, but you probably In any case, Bali is a popular [[tourist]] destination (in Indonesia). Bali is known as ''Island of Gods'' Pulau Dewata in the native language. This refers to the ancient practice of Indonesian deities owning villas and [[vacation]]
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[[image:Indonesia_bali.png|300px|thumb| Location of Bali, according to the offical 2007 map from ''Bali Ministry of Tourism''.]]'''Bali''' is the current capital of [[Indonesia]]. Bali is actually an [[island]] as well as a province of Indonesia, but you probably [[Nobody cares|don't care]]. In any case, Bali is a popular [[tourist]] destination (in Indonesia). Bali is known as ''Island of Gods'' in the native language. This refers to the ancient practice of Indonesian deities owning villas and [[vacation]] recidencies in Bali. In modern times, this refer to the fact that when you go to Bali, you will be treated as a god. Unless, of course, if you are poor. Then you're not a god. Sorry. Go get a good [[job]] or start a [[business]] or something, then come back later.
   
 
== History ==
 
== History ==
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[[image:Balinese_before.jpg|left|thumb| Traditional Balinese clothing <u>''before''</u> the arrival of the Dutch. <br> Confirmed Facts: <br>'''1)''' the red rectangle is not part of the original picture. <br>'''2)''' the rectangle does indeed cover actual bare breasts. <br>'''3)''' Balinese women were originally topless.]]
 
[[image:Balinese_before.jpg|left|thumb| Traditional Balinese clothing <u>''before''</u> the arrival of the Dutch. <br> Confirmed Facts: <br>'''1)''' the red rectangle is not part of the original picture. <br>'''2)''' the rectangle does indeed cover actual bare breasts. <br>'''3)''' Balinese women were originally topless.]]
   
According to [[Wikipedia]], the Balinese were . .
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According to [[Wikipedia]], the Balinese were originally Taiwanese. That's not probable. Obviously Wikipedia is lying, as usual.
   
After centuries of being an island nation ruled by a Hindu kingdom, Bali was annexed by the [[Netherlands]] colonists around 1908 after the battle of Puputan Badung in which the Kings of Bali gathered to fight the evil white Devils as the Dutch came with a single army the Kings forcing the Kings to defeat but instead the Kings surrendered theor Dagers to theor priests who, stabed it through theor hearts kiloing them in from of the Dutch theur eyes and than theor wifes And children trowing them selfs at the Bayonetes cuasing fear and confusion by the Dutch who where not prepared for such action and as they hassitated King Pemecutan's 10year old son ordered the man to kill all white invaders and The balinese were Victorious throgh mass scuicide, the Dut h eventally achieved controll after the fifth attackwave Unfortunately, these Dutch colonists forced all Balinese women to cover their breasts (which previously had been naked for centuries, according to Balinese traditional clothing). Bad, bad, bad Dutch!
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After centuries of being an island nation ruled by a Hindu kingdom, Bali was annexed by the [[Netherlands]] colonists around 1840. Unfortunately, these Dutch colonists forced all Balinese women to cover their breasts (which previously had been naked for centuries, according to Balinese traditional clothing). Bad, bad, bad Dutch!
   
 
In the 1930s, anthropologists Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, artists Miguel Covarrubias and Walter Spies, and musicologist Colin McPhee introduced to the world an idyllic depiction of Bali as "an enchanted land of aesthetes at peace with themselves and nature." The actual Balinese natives, who were mostly busy farmers with long hours of work, responded to this appreciation by western experts with "shut up." Then, they go back to work.
 
In the 1930s, anthropologists Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, artists Miguel Covarrubias and Walter Spies, and musicologist Colin McPhee introduced to the world an idyllic depiction of Bali as "an enchanted land of aesthetes at peace with themselves and nature." The actual Balinese natives, who were mostly busy farmers with long hours of work, responded to this appreciation by western experts with "shut up." Then, they go back to work.
   
With the independence of Indonesia from Dutch Tyrany in 1942 Dai Nippon [[Japan]] granted Indonesia its independant on August 17th 1945 (2605), , Bali became a province of [[Indonesia]].
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With the independence of Indonesia from Japan (in 1945), Sukarno (in 1963), and Suharto (in 1998), Bali became a province of [[Indonesia]]. Of course, you probably don't care about that.
  +
 
== Rivalry with Jakarta ==
 
== Rivalry with Jakarta ==
   
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!width="200"|Bali
 
!width="200"|Bali
 
|-
 
|-
|Political Status|| Administrative Center, ''de jure'' capital || Contributor to National Income, ''
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|Political Status|| Administrative Center, ''de jure'' capital || Contributor to National Income, ''de facto'' capital
 
|-
 
|-
 
|Population|| 17 million in the daytime, 10 million at night|| 3 million (all tourism employees)
 
|Population|| 17 million in the daytime, 10 million at night|| 3 million (all tourism employees)
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|-
  +
|Religion|| 95% Muslim, 5% Infidels || 99.99993% Infidels, 1 Terrorist Muslim (on vacation)
 
|-
 
|-
 
|Economy || Manufacturing, Public Administration, Military, Healthcare, Financing, Electronics, Construction, Transportation, Electricity, Security, International Trade, Telecommunications, Education, and yes, Tourism || Tourism
 
|Economy || Manufacturing, Public Administration, Military, Healthcare, Financing, Electronics, Construction, Transportation, Electricity, Security, International Trade, Telecommunications, Education, and yes, Tourism || Tourism
 
|-
 
|-
  +
|Hazards|| Petty Crime, Extortion, Corruption, Professional Malpractice, Terrorism, Toxic Pollution, Food Poisoning, Traffic Accident, Vandalism, Poverty, Business Fraud, Assault and Battery, Civil Unrest, Military Conflict || Monkeys, Dogs, Open Drains, Hepatitis
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|-
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|Traffic|| Lethal || Semi-Lethal
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|-
  +
|Weather|| Lethal || Nice
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|-
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|Consumption of Alcohol|| Punishable by Death || Encouraged
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|-
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|Consumption of Narcotics|| Encouraged || Punishable by Death
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|-
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|Domestic Perception|| Filth || Paradise
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|-
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|International Perception|| Filth || Paradise
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|-
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|Self Perception|| Filth || Paradise
 
|}
 
|}
   
 
== Religion ==
 
== Religion ==
   
most of all Balinese are [[Hindu]]. This is in huge contrast to the exceedingly] Indonesians, who categorize the Balinese as
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Almost 99.99% of all Balinese are [[Hindu]]. This is in huge contrast to the exceedingly [[muslim]] Indonesians, who categorize the Balinese as [[infidels]]. This has resulted in the usage of Balinese buildings as target practice for suicidal bombing squads.
Balinese Hinduism is a combination of Hinduism and native animism and is the only true religion
 
not like the Sects from India that dare to call them selfs Hindu Bali religion is the Continuation of the once mighty Devine Majapahit empire
 
   
  +
The Balinese celebrated the holy ''Nyepi'', a few days within each year when all Balinese become silent. It's such a pretty sight. Unfortunately, the muslim suicidal bombers still conduct their exercises during these serene days.
   
The Balinese celebrated the holy ''Nyepi'', a few days within each year when all Balinese become silent. It's such a pretty sight.
+
Balinese Hinduism is a combination of Hinduism and native animism. As such, we don't really care. It just looks nice when you are on a vacation here.
Unfortunately, foreign moochers ruine our beautyfull island paradise
 
   
Since Balinese are Hindu There are and will never be allowed Jewish tourists, since they are too peevish to go to a tropical island) prohibit [[acohol]] and pork, purchase and consumption of pork and alcohol is encouraged in Bali, as seen from the proliferating stand that try to sell -- more often than not, fake -- "Babi Guling" to unsuspecting tourists.
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Since Balinese are not Muslims, and since only muslims (and Jews, but none exist here, not even Jewish tourists, since they are too peevish to go to a tropical island) prohibit [[alcohol]] and pork, purchase and consumption of pork and alcohol is encouraged in Bali, as seen from the proliferating stand that try to sell -- more often than not, fake -- "Babi Guling" to unsuspecting tourists.
   
 
== Economy ==
 
== Economy ==
   
 
There is only one industry in Bali: [[Tourism]]. Every single Balinese works in tourism. All seniors, men, women, and children in Bali work in tourism, from the moment they are born until the day they die. The Balinese who seem to be farming, carving, praying, or doing other things are actually paid actors, employed by the tourism industry to act like natives.
 
There is only one industry in Bali: [[Tourism]]. Every single Balinese works in tourism. All seniors, men, women, and children in Bali work in tourism, from the moment they are born until the day they die. The Balinese who seem to be farming, carving, praying, or doing other things are actually paid actors, employed by the tourism industry to act like natives.
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  +
== Tourism (and Terrorism) ==
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  +
[[image:Actual_balinese_culture.jpg|left|thumb| Holy crap. I'm not making this up. This is surprisingly an actual culture of Bali. Seriously Dude, what the hell is ''that''?]]
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Bali is a popular [[tourist]] destination. It is also a popular [[terrorism]] destination. [[Tourists]] come to Bali to practice tourism, much like the [[terrorists]] come to Bali to practice terrorism. Many tourists enjoy being threatened by muslim terrorists and have their purse stolen by [[monkeys]], for some reason. They think it's funny. On the other hand, the terrorists do not enjoy being threatened by tourists or have their bombs stolen by monkeys. They don't think it's funny.
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Bali has been described as "[[Australia]] on a budget." Originally, this means that tourists can enjoy many amenities in Bali similar to those offered in Australia, but for a cheaper price. However, Australians interpret this differently. They become determined to work harder and never go "on a budget", because they are afraid of ending up looking crappy like Bali.
  +
  +
Most Tourists in Bali are exploited by the international drug trade network as unsuspecting vessel for narcotics transportation. Most of such tourists are caught by Indonesian law enforcers, but they are later released to their respective countries after being tried and executed for drug smuggling. In addition, tourists in Bali has also been used regularly by Al-Qaeda trainees for suicide bombing practices. For some reason, this training system fails to supply Al-Qaeda with sufficient number of skilled suicide bombers and has been discarded long since.
   
 
== See Also ==
 
== See Also ==
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* [[Terrorism]]
 
* [[Terrorism]]
 
* [[Tourism]]
 
* [[Tourism]]
* [[Netherlands]] (Bastards) (Fuck the Dutch)
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* [[Netherlands]] (Bastards)
* [[Southeast Asia]]
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* [[Australia]]
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* [[British Indonesia]]
   
   

Revision as of 05:05, July 3, 2012

Bouncywikilogo7
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Bali.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Indonesia?
“Where did the topless women go?”
~ Confused Tourist on Balinese women
“Australia on a budget”
~ Not Australian on Bali
“No, I don't need Indonesian visa. I'm going to Bali”
~ Confused Tourist on Bali
“Bali is a part of Indonesia!”
~ Indonesian Immigration Officer on Bali
“Never mind Indonesia. Welcome to Bali!”
~ Balinese sellout on Bali


Indonesia bali

Location of Bali, according to the offical 2007 map from Bali Ministry of Tourism.

Bali is the current capital of Indonesia. Bali is actually an island as well as a province of Indonesia, but you probably don't care. In any case, Bali is a popular tourist destination (in Indonesia). Bali is known as Island of Gods in the native language. This refers to the ancient practice of Indonesian deities owning villas and vacation recidencies in Bali. In modern times, this refer to the fact that when you go to Bali, you will be treated as a god. Unless, of course, if you are poor. Then you're not a god. Sorry. Go get a good job or start a business or something, then come back later.

History

Balinese after

Traditional Balinese clothing after the arrival of the Dutch.
Why, oh Dutch? WHY?

Balinese before

Traditional Balinese clothing before the arrival of the Dutch.
Confirmed Facts:
1) the red rectangle is not part of the original picture.
2) the rectangle does indeed cover actual bare breasts.
3) Balinese women were originally topless.

According to Wikipedia, the Balinese were originally Taiwanese. That's not probable. Obviously Wikipedia is lying, as usual.

After centuries of being an island nation ruled by a Hindu kingdom, Bali was annexed by the Netherlands colonists around 1840. Unfortunately, these Dutch colonists forced all Balinese women to cover their breasts (which previously had been naked for centuries, according to Balinese traditional clothing). Bad, bad, bad Dutch!

In the 1930s, anthropologists Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, artists Miguel Covarrubias and Walter Spies, and musicologist Colin McPhee introduced to the world an idyllic depiction of Bali as "an enchanted land of aesthetes at peace with themselves and nature." The actual Balinese natives, who were mostly busy farmers with long hours of work, responded to this appreciation by western experts with "shut up." Then, they go back to work.

With the independence of Indonesia from Japan (in 1945), Sukarno (in 1963), and Suharto (in 1998), Bali became a province of Indonesia. Of course, you probably don't care about that.

Rivalry with Jakarta

Jakarta and Bali have been fighting over the title of being the capital of Indonesia. Most foreigners choose Bali over Jakarta for this title, while most Indonesians (except the Balinese, of course) choose Jakarta over Bali.

In 2005, Jakarta decided to clean up the layers of filth that has been covering the city, in an attempt to improve its international image and to better compete with Bali as the capital of Indonesia. Sadly, Bali still wins.

Following is a comparison of the two capitals:

Comparison Jakarta Bali
Political Status Administrative Center, de jure capital Contributor to National Income, de facto capital
Population 17 million in the daytime, 10 million at night 3 million (all tourism employees)
Religion 95% Muslim, 5% Infidels 99.99993% Infidels, 1 Terrorist Muslim (on vacation)
Economy Manufacturing, Public Administration, Military, Healthcare, Financing, Electronics, Construction, Transportation, Electricity, Security, International Trade, Telecommunications, Education, and yes, Tourism Tourism
Hazards Petty Crime, Extortion, Corruption, Professional Malpractice, Terrorism, Toxic Pollution, Food Poisoning, Traffic Accident, Vandalism, Poverty, Business Fraud, Assault and Battery, Civil Unrest, Military Conflict Monkeys, Dogs, Open Drains, Hepatitis
Traffic Lethal Semi-Lethal
Weather Lethal Nice
Consumption of Alcohol Punishable by Death Encouraged
Consumption of Narcotics Encouraged Punishable by Death
Domestic Perception Filth Paradise
International Perception Filth Paradise
Self Perception Filth Paradise

Religion

Almost 99.99% of all Balinese are Hindu. This is in huge contrast to the exceedingly muslim Indonesians, who categorize the Balinese as infidels. This has resulted in the usage of Balinese buildings as target practice for suicidal bombing squads.

The Balinese celebrated the holy Nyepi, a few days within each year when all Balinese become silent. It's such a pretty sight. Unfortunately, the muslim suicidal bombers still conduct their exercises during these serene days.

Balinese Hinduism is a combination of Hinduism and native animism. As such, we don't really care. It just looks nice when you are on a vacation here.

Since Balinese are not Muslims, and since only muslims (and Jews, but none exist here, not even Jewish tourists, since they are too peevish to go to a tropical island) prohibit alcohol and pork, purchase and consumption of pork and alcohol is encouraged in Bali, as seen from the proliferating stand that try to sell -- more often than not, fake -- "Babi Guling" to unsuspecting tourists.

Economy

There is only one industry in Bali: Tourism. Every single Balinese works in tourism. All seniors, men, women, and children in Bali work in tourism, from the moment they are born until the day they die. The Balinese who seem to be farming, carving, praying, or doing other things are actually paid actors, employed by the tourism industry to act like natives.

Tourism (and Terrorism)

Actual balinese culture

Holy crap. I'm not making this up. This is surprisingly an actual culture of Bali. Seriously Dude, what the hell is that?

Bali is a popular tourist destination. It is also a popular terrorism destination. Tourists come to Bali to practice tourism, much like the terrorists come to Bali to practice terrorism. Many tourists enjoy being threatened by muslim terrorists and have their purse stolen by monkeys, for some reason. They think it's funny. On the other hand, the terrorists do not enjoy being threatened by tourists or have their bombs stolen by monkeys. They don't think it's funny.

Bali has been described as "Australia on a budget." Originally, this means that tourists can enjoy many amenities in Bali similar to those offered in Australia, but for a cheaper price. However, Australians interpret this differently. They become determined to work harder and never go "on a budget", because they are afraid of ending up looking crappy like Bali.

Most Tourists in Bali are exploited by the international drug trade network as unsuspecting vessel for narcotics transportation. Most of such tourists are caught by Indonesian law enforcers, but they are later released to their respective countries after being tried and executed for drug smuggling. In addition, tourists in Bali has also been used regularly by Al-Qaeda trainees for suicide bombing practices. For some reason, this training system fails to supply Al-Qaeda with sufficient number of skilled suicide bombers and has been discarded long since.

See Also

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