Balalaika

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 09:03, September 17, 2011 by MadMax (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Balalaika
The instrument in all its heavenly glory.

The balalaika (Russian:бананана) is a stringed instrument of Russian origin. Its body's shape is triangular, the triangle typically being known as a holy symbol. The balalaika normally has three strings, again, 3 being a number of symbolic significance. While the instrument is usually played with the fingers, some have tried alternative means. Russian Czar Vladimir Putin claims to be able to play a balalaika with his tongue. A sudden lack of balalaikas was the main cause of he Russian Revolution of 1917, which brought death, suffering and communism to the Russian tribes.

The musician is in an ecstatic state while listeners have become completely entranced by the magical music.
Tatu
This is what long-term exposure can do to you!
Contrabassbalalaika
People who play the huge type of balalaika are usually compensating for something.

Common reactions to balalaika music

Balalaika music amplifies positive feelings and often causes sexual arousal. Some people start rhythmically dancing, while others commence a giant orgy, and even others appear to be completely paralyzed by the harmonious music. Long-term exposure will typically lead to rampant lesbianism.

Balalaika types

There are 2 known kinds of balalaikas: the traditional acoustic, and a more recent electric version. The traditional acoustic balalaika does not depend on external amplifiers, since the performer himself can serve as an amplifier by simply ululating, while striking the string. It has been found that thousands of different sounds can be produced this way, making the acoustic balalaika a central instrument in Russian culture. The rising popularity of acoustic balalaikas can also be attributed to the instrument's relatively inexpensive production costs. Acoustic balalaika is an instrument of choice for anyone with a talent for ululating: small children, muslims, homeless and Britney Spears.

The acoustic balalaika is widely known throughout Europe, Asia, Africa and South America. It did not receive much acclaim in North America primarily because the majority of the population is physically incapable of producing melodic sounds, a fact proven by Dr. Simon Cowell in a popularised scientific documentary "American Idol".

There are only a few documented sightings of an electric balalaika. Much controversy is revolving around this mysterious instrument. The rarity of an electric balalaika is attributed to the fact, that most Russians do not have access to batteries, or electricity in general.

Laika
The first dog to orbit the Earth was named after this instrument.

Interesting facts about balalaikas

  • Vodka greatly increases the timbre, articulation and dynamics of an acoustic balalaika. In the traditional Annual Balalaika Competition, held in Moscow, any performer must drink a 200 grams of this fluid prior to the performance. Vodka also improves the listener's ability to absorb balalaika music. Therefore, any judge in the Annual Balalaika Competition must drink 150 grams of this fluid, prior to judging the contestants.
  • Laika was in fact named for his amazing balalaika playing skills. During his trip into outer space, he was constantly playing the balalaika. Until he died, that is.

See also

Personal tools
projects