From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- Oops! Maybe you were looking for Báhá’í without even knowing it!
The Bahá'í'nd World Faith is often mispronounced as "Baha'i" by outsiders, "unbelievers", and Canadians. A monotheistic faith which has grown out of the traditions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, it was founded in 1863 by a peace freak pot head named Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata (Baha'u'llah), who they believe is a direct decedent of Buddha and Mr.T.
Prayer and meditation
Bahá'índ law mandates redundant thrice-daily prayers are prayed three times a day redundantly until "Mu'ád Yáb'áb-Dab áDoo", the next Manifestation of God arrives within the next 78,000 years. Bizarre, esoteric prayer rituals with inscense, commies, bowing, and scraping are to be performed out of sight of those who "art less than hygenic. Hippy Smeg Heads usually pray by growing marijuana in their closets and listening to Jimi Hendrix. Caterwalling is encouraged among the geriatric and insane.
The unity of Man
The idea that all Mankind is one has been expressed by most faiths at one time or another. Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata went a step further, declaring, "...unto men I give this law: that Thee are all One Man, and Thee shall regard one another as distant cousins all. It is an illusion that each man has an individual body, for that privilege is reserved for women. We are all really one big guy."
“If as the Holy Writings tell us, mankind is all one, then all women are Lesbians and God wants we men to fuck ourselves; sounds OK to me. ”
With the invention of Quantum Mechanics by Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata in 1066 A.D., the Trinity of the Catholic and other Christian Churches was superseded by the Twelve-ity, each element corresponding to the thingys that particle theorists think everything is made of. No one yet knows what the -arity Islam is, but Richard Feynmann of Walk The Planck Institute deduced its identity as "somewhere between 3 and 12, or thereabouts.". In 1978 physicysts at CERN detected a stream of urine particles after slamming blasphemous positrons accelerated to near light speed into a target consisting of several Polaroids of God. Since 12 is bigger than 3, Bahá'índs believe their Heaven is 4 times larger than Catholic Heaven. Radical Orthodox Bahá'índs believe 19 is the "Most Holy Lucky Number", and that 12 is the actual number of Satan. This is why they encourage molesting 12 year old boy's. Thus accounts for their violent yet boring schism (see Schism below.
Bahá'índs have their own peculiar way of tracking time. It's called "The Bahá'índ Calandar" or "Sacred Text Codes". Like the authors of such hokum as "Bible Codes", with their supposed encoded information which can give the diviner the gift of prophecy. ...Of course no one never understand ou uses it.
Use of intoxicants
Followers of Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata or "Smeg Heads" as they call themselves, abstain from the abstinence of intoxicants including, but not limited to, alcohol, marijuana, LSD, absinthe, Bron cough syrup, blood transfusions, Canadians, and driving foreign cars. Learned Foot Chester "Slack Jaw" Nimitz wrote in his book, "How I Found Jesus, Then Buddha, Then Nihilism, Then Bahá'índ Faith" that in order to "mo better" know God, one must abstain from abstinence with every fiber of every suit in every wardrobe of one's being. Most Bahá'índs prefer to smoke their pot out back by the dumpster, while Orthodox Bahá'índ's abstain from abstaining from only crack cocaine, smoking it only in South Western United States. They are also not allowed to give cats catnip.
Bahá'índs subscribe to the idea that Mankind is one, and that God sends prophets at different times and to different peoples throughout history to "make manifest His Word". The "Heavy Duty Chain of Prophets" in this so-called current Adamic Cycle begins with Adam, and continues with Abraham, Buddha, Moses, Zoroaster, Jesus, Mohammed, The Sheesh-ka B'ob (The Yummy Gate, Farsi), culminating in the Manifestation of God for this day and Central Figure of the Faith, Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata (He Whom God Will Irritate, Farso). The Word refers to a collection of sacred texts primarily concerned with partying. At each revelation, God imparts more knowledge about how to properly party through his Prophet or Manifestation of God. The scriptures of all so-called "major" religions are also held as sacred to Bahá'índs.
In Oldest Testament Genesis, Adam is dope-slapped out of Eden on account of his no-account woman. This gives him great cause to take solace in partying, so God appeared to him in a dream one night and said, "Lo!" (for God says "Lo" a lot) "For it shall be written that you are to wander the desert for 40 days and 13 nights until you find a beer cooler. And it shall be full of beer, for thou art in need of mead." And Adam said, "Verily, doth this rock! said Adam! For I have beer, and I have bread, and I have MST3K reruns." And God made it so, or something."
“The Man could party! He was down with the malt liquor and the ladies, Eve and Lilith. Adam was given what every man wants by God; a threesome with a buzz on. ”
It has been difficult to correlate Holy Scriptures with the historical record of the Middle East, but Moses is certainly considered to be a factual person by both. Many Christians, and indeed Jews do not know of an appendix which was attached to the 10 commandments He brought down from Mount Sinai. Within the esoteric realm of Kabbahlism this short text is known as the "H'illach! M'u'tp-ptoi". Contained is the first recorded mention of "Getting down with one's bad self, so to speak" in any major religious text, instructions for making "Mogen David Wines" (the so called MD 20/20 files), methods of making shellfish Kosher, and numerous references to Deutoronomy about the prohibition on eating bats and ostriches.
“When Moses and the Israelites began their flight from Egypt, five and sixty blenders did they have. Verily, they were faithful and did pray in the desert to hallucinations, and God did reward them with Strawberry Daiquiri mix, rum, and ice cubes.”
Some Orientalists of old called Buddhism "the only religion lacking in God". While it is true that Western ideas of worship, the apocolypse, and circumcision are alien to Buddhists, a thread of hope for a kind of salvation in the form of "Nirvana" does exist. It is this that Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata speaks of when he refers to "the peculiar habit of the chinks and the darkies... choking down Soma (hallucinogenic mushrooms) and smoking that stink weed..." and "Angadadavita baby!". Many Westerners are not aware of the stone soul picnic Buddha threw for his cooler friends, after attaining Nirvana sitting under the Bodhi tree for like, a thousand years.
Bahaind scholars have worked for hundreds of years trying to make esoteric connections between the crude grow rooms in India and the kick-ass hydroponics of today. Geneticists still search for the perfect plant, geologists are baffled by that funny smell, and mushrooms have become a favorite way to "break the ice" on Holy Days and April Fools Day.
“One dude that could grow some primo Sativa was the Buddha. He sat under that tree for years, too baked to move. The statue? You know, the one where He's sitting down with the big belly? He pigged out massively after Nirvana, but Slimfast took the weight right off. It's not fair that all them Crackers in America and Europe think of Him as a glutton or something.”
With a Name like that, historians are sure other kids picked on Him. Zoroaster's Ministry grew out of Persian polytheism into a vibrant, fire based cult. His theology was based on the principle of opposites. Two opposed and equally powerful deities called "Uhura Mazda" (The Nice One) and "Mazda 323" (The One So Scary We Use Alphanumeric Code To Describe Him). In 328 B.C Londinium Philharmonicum, Graeco-Roman-Klingon philosopher and mathamatician from Syracuse, discovered gravity by jostling Zoroaster on the way home from The Bosphorus Market and Package Store. During this moment of enlightenment, a throng witnessed the miricle and offered to buy the both of them a pint.
As He huffed his second ale, Zoroaster realized God was talking to him in the guise of a striped goat called Aristotle. In His fugue state, the wonders of Heaven and the Terrors of hell were made visible as the twin Deities wrestled for His soul. At sunrise, Uhuru Mazda won best 2 out of 3, and he blessed Zoroaster with righteous herb, smelly English ale, and 16 gallons of Hummous. Thus He learned to party hard, and did teach the people about party lines and other kinds of parties.
“And Lo, Zoroaster was given a shotgun hit of some fine herb. Hr felt himself floating and they saw it was a good thing. When a seed landed on His shirt, a conflagration ensued and all were rightly awed. His most faithful followers promptly put Him out with Guiness.”
Jesus, or "The Saver", as he is sometimes known by Christians because of His miracles performed with coupons, received further transmissions from God concerning partying, and worked His mission among the Hebrews of Palestine. Jesus' ministry was in part to supersede Mosaic Law and theology, and He stirred up an already volatile population by forcing them to protest at "No Nukes" rallies across US and Canada. When confronted by the Pharisees, Jesus berated them as "partially-penissed idiots" and taunted them for 40 days and 40 nights with locusts and honey.
Jesus preached a lesson of love for one's fellow man; love for one's fellow woman, love for a really good pizza. His Apostles were privy to the show stoppers like multiplying fishes, bread and wine. Unfortunately, this kept them mostly besotted everu day by 9:00AM. Needless to day, not a lot of converting got done.
Upon His expulsion from Gymnasium at age 30, Jesus was given His most important Mission: to party all night long. The Twelve Apostles, on the night before His betrayel by Benedict Arnold, celebrated in truly outrageous fashion by throwing a "Kegger" or "Sunday Mass", as it was called later in Catholicism.
“Sure, He had blue eyes, fair skin. Aside from that, most Hebrews couldn't tell Him from Adam.”
Muhammed, the Seal of Prophets, was born in 740 A.D. or thereabouts. Verily, He did not party at all. Nevertheless, He did bring into existence a Faith which today has huge numbers of followers. After His death in seven hundred something A.D.. Islam became split into two factions: the Shiites and the Sunny's. The Sheites were united under the man Ali (Not to be confused with Mohammad Ali) whom they considered the succesor of this religion.
The Sunnys are so named for their dispositions. In truth, both sects of Islam are well represented by jolly, fat, Turk-hating altruists, but the Sunnys reputation is pan-galactic for hospitality, good cooking, and treating women like dirt. Women in these societies are just happy they're not actually dirt, because they consider it very rude to step on people. Women must also keep themselves in various states of coveredness which varies from state to state in the Middle East.
Muhammed's mission was unique in that, while partying was not on the agenda, psychotic behavior in the name of God was considered "cool" by fringe lunatics. In the Golden Age of Islam, it became fashionable to conquor foreigners lands, invite them to convert to Islam, and slaughter those who pissed them off. Also, although Muhammed is the Seal, or the last of the Prohets in their belief.
Bahá'índs consider themselve the direct spiritual descendents of Muslims. Their Writings are written in Persian and Arabic, they have some prayer rituals in common, they link themselves to Christianity and Judaism. Bahá'índs think they are in a similar position to the Christians with the Jews, that is, their Writings supercede those of the Koran.
“He told them, "Whatever you do, do NOT have a schism". So what did they do? They went and had a schism. It's human nature.”
Sheesh-ka B'ob, or The Robert declared His mission in 1844, to find a good recipe for lamb. Gathering followers from disgruntled Muslims, he quickly turned the movement into a religion. Then He died while having a Sheesh-ka B'ob in his sphincter .
“The stroke of genius was running a stick through the lamb and veggies. Yummy! ”
Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata was born into the royal family of Persia (present day Iran) in 1831. The only child in a family of seven million, he was known to argue with the local Holy Men about the meaning of "chitt'lens", God's place outside the Bulk, and infantalizing women because "...women are dumb..." (OOGZ BOOK 3:55). There is a famous story of His turning anal juices back into lubricant, thereby removing Christianity from the fabric of Space-time. These and other miracles are spoken of in hushed tones because Bahá'índs want to keep non-Bahá'índs (or Gentile Bastards as Bahá'índs call them) in the dark. As a teen, Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata took 82 wives in accordance with his then-Muslim faith. Having amassed a small fortune from doweries, He built an organization of slave labor into "International Bahá'índ Machines" (IBM today) and took over the world.
In 1896, Bahá'índ World headquarters was built on a hill in Israel before Europeans gave it to the Zionists. The hill was moved 19 times and came to rest in Haifa. Once the dust had settled, millions of irate jew arab midgets gathered and saw the building had landed on the Wicked W(b)itch of the East, thereby crushing Communism before it got off to a proper start. They cheered the name of Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata, and everyone on the planet became a Bahá'índ. This is known as the "Great Para Ducks".
The "Great Para Ducks" is similar to Mormons baptism for the dead by proxy. Where Mormons baptise the dead into their Church to boost the numbers however, Bahá'índs believe that everyone born after 1907 is actually Bahá'índ, whether they realize it or not. In this way, Bahá'índ accounting systems became the foundation for all Twentieth Century science.
“I am the culmination of all Prophets for this Age. Whomsoever disagrees with this is only fooling themselves. ”
Schisms in the One Faith
Orthodox Bahá'índs (called "Those Who Call The Covenant Silly Names" by the real Bahá'índs) are followers of Zipp'ty-Do Da'h, Zipp'ty 'A. nephew of the grandson of the washerwoman's cousin who saw Oog'Lata Bo'oga'ata "smoking a fattie out behind the dumpster after His sermon on fasting".