Bagpipes
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| WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. | 
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Bagpipes, like Scotland herself, are actually a very cruel joke gone wrong. An older man made a prototype to shock his buddies with a screeching horrid noise, and by some miracle, they loved it, imitated it, and the rest is history. The Irish have their own sit-down version, the uileann pipes, which at least have the merit that the player makes an easy target for music-loving snipers.
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[edit] Role in the Scottish Wars of Independence
King Jock the 5235th of Scotland was a Great Fan of the Bagpipe and his playing angered the Neighbours (England) so much that after the Asbo failed to make any difference they Invaded. The Bagpipes were used to great effectively by Mel Gibson's Hollywood militia. This tactic allowed the Scots to push the English back to Benidorm (an English Colony since 1960). This worked well until the English brought in Welsh Language Singers, the Battle of Glasgow was the first battle in which these Welsh Mercenaries were used, the Cities ability to speak English has never recovered. The English then discovered a new piece of technology, the ear plug. These mighty devices allowed the English to march to Stornaway, where they decided they didn't like the place and Spain looked better anyway, but not before they broke every bagpipe in the country. The quality of sound produced by the Bagpipe has never improved since then, so it still sounds like a terminally ill cat appearing in an even more disturbed than usual episode of the Saw franchise whose just had it's tale stepped on by Godzilla and asked Barney Bush for an interview. Then again it couldn't get much worse.
[edit] Bagpipe Trivia
Bagpipes are one of the world's most loved instruments. To hear the skirl of the pipes coming out of the mist on a frosty morning is to know one of the true joys of living. Those who have never experienced such are urged to find their way to the nearest Highland Games and find out what they have been missing.
The bagpipes have also struck a chord in the United States. People play them everywhere, at Scottish festivals, on St. Patrick's Day, and even in dessert establishments. You can see an example here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsUZrlJAF34
[edit] Bagpipe Quotes
The related Northumbrian Pipes disturb the peace of Northern England, but they are held in check by famous rapper and skilled bowman Robin in da 'Hood.
The Brazilians call the bagpipe gaita de foles, which is Portuguese for "screams of the tortured monkey".
"The best way to play the bagpipes? With a penknife." - Connor Hogan
"Bring not bagpipes to a man in trouble," - WC Fields.
"Bagpipes are the lost connection between noise and music," - Jim Davis
"I firmly believe that distance adds enchantment to the bagpipes" - WB Yeats.
"Definition of a 'gentleman' - someone who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn't," - Ronnie Corbett.
"The Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke and gave them to the Scottish, they still haven't found out," - Denis Leary.
"I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig." - Alfred Hitchcock
"Some men there are love not a gaping pig; some, that are mad if they behold a cat; and others, when the bagpipe sings...cannot contain their urine." -William Shakespeare
"If thy neighbour offend thee, give each of his children bagpipes." - Old Scottish Proverb.
"Kevin Ross plays the bagpipes, and they in turn have devoured his soul" -Jack "Smack-Attack" Johnson
"No man has EVER learned to play the confounded instrument!" Grytpipe Thyyne on The Goon Show
"Why do bagpipers march while they play? It's harder to hit a moving target." -Not You
"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think that's music coming out of a bagpipe." -Lee Trevino
"Thank God there's no smell." -Oscar Wilde
