Bagel
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“The worst fucking doughnut I ever had.”
~ Oscar Wilde on a bagel
“I love bagels.”
~ Jews on bagels
“Well like they say in Brookyln, early to bed, early to catch the worm. Or is it the bagel?”
~ Luigi on bagels
Bagels are the modern form of the ancient food known as Jew Bread, which God gave to the ancient Israelites. A bagel, sometimes known as W666/Bagel@YUMM is also an intelligent viral food, particularly prone to infect satanists for their choice of religion.
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[edit] The First Bagels
Bagels were first discovered in Neolithic days when all they had to eat was cheerios. Since people were bored back then (porn was not yet invented), someone decided to plant them to see what happened. They grew into Bagel Bushes. Incidentally, if a Bagel Bush is left alone for long enough, it matures into a Jew Tree, referred to now as a "Yew" tree, since Jews cannot pronounce the letter "J". The first bagels were plain, round loaves of bread that were usually consumed with soup or coffee. Because they were so large, dry, and generally lacking in flavor, early bagels were impossible to eat alone without dying. The Israelites hated them so much that they threw them into a river, discarding them entirely in favor of flat, dense, white crackers. Polish people came upon the thrown-out bagels, and since you can't grow shit in Poland, they took the free bagels. And we all know how much jews love free stuff.
[edit] Bagel Innovations
Vaati, the munchkin mage, discovered in 1933 that putting a hole in the center of the bagel would make it more edible. Simon also found that various flavorings could be added to bagels, but he considered it too much of a radical move and flavored bagels were not introduced until his notes were rediscovered in 1967, height of the hippie era. They were met with widespread popularity and phenomenal commercial success, inspiring many Jewish grocers to begin making and selling bagels.
[edit] Threat analysis
A bagel by itself is not dangerous (apart from the Californian squid-explosive cheddar-jalapeño-bagel, of course), as it can only infect when it is feeling at home, which would be among a group of satanists. If this criteria is fulfilled, and a bite is taken from the viral food, the threat to the victim's health and physical well being is however considerable. The virus will immediately start the process of giving the victim, male or not, an erection in order to feature the wood necessary to have sex with a Horse of Troy. In men, the erected organ is the penis, in women, the erected organ will be the inverted vagina.
It has recently beem discovered that Jews are entirely unaffected by consuming bagels. In fact, the Jew strain of bagel seems to have developed a symbiotic relationship with Jews; the relationship being that if a Jew does not consume at least one bagel every 24 hours, he or she asplodes.
Little known fact is that Micheal J. Fox went back in time to stop Altair from assassinating bagels.
[edit] Activity
The bagel's activity in the wild is currently considered low and it will actually expire January 28 in a still unknown year.
There is a constant fight between humans and toasters for these delicious African cookies called "Bagels."
With the due time of bagels, the human population will have to resort to eating toast.
This message brought to you by Dee Spanish Society.
[edit] A New Hope
In recent times, an unknown college student discovered a new use for bagel which ultimately led to a rise in popularity again. With the use of Butter and a Microwave, one can create a make shift sex toy. No more than 10 seconds though.
[edit] Notable Bagel Producers
- Bruegeueguegegueguegger's (nobody actually knows how this is pronounced)
- Einstein Bros., geniuses Albert and his less famous brother Joseph Einstein.
