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A pile of modern bagels.

Bagels are the modern form of the ancient food known as Jew Bread, which God gave to the ancient Israelites when bagels (then called "manna") fell from the sky on them in the desert in Egypt. The ancient Hebrews cunningly used the small wheels of bread as diamond holders, as well as actual wheels to power their transport to even hotter, thirstier, more terrifying regions of the Sinai desert. They were nearly wiped out by hunger completely before one particularly inventive Hebrew suggested that they could eat the bread too. A modern bagel is also an intelligent disease vector, made from a combination of wheat and genetically engineered Morgellon's virus produced at Fort Detrick Medical Command Center, particularly prone to infect Satanists for their choice of religion. The humble bagel is known to cure many diseases such as AIDS, hunger and ugliness.

edit The First Bagels

Bagels were first discovered in Neolithic days, when all they had to eat was Cheerios. Since people were bored back then - the only porn to have been invented was the Venus of Willendorf figurine, which didn't quite make the grade - someone decided to plant them to see what happened. They grew into Bagel Bushes, which is the source of Jebus' saying, "If you have only the faith of a Cheerio, you can say to this bagel bush, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you". Incidentally, if a Bagel Bush is left alone for long enough, it matures into a Jew Tree, referred to now as a "Yew" tree, since Jews cannot pronounce the letter "J".

The first bagels were plain, round loaves of bread that were usually consumed with soup, coffee or the blood of your enemies. Because they were so large, dry, and generally lacking in flavor, early bagels were impossible to eat alone without dying. The Israelites hated them so much that they threw them into a river, discarding them entirely in favor of flat, dense, white crackers. Polish people came upon the thrown-out bagels, and since you can't grow shit in Poland, they took the free bagels. And we all know how much Jews love free stuff.

edit Conspiracy

Although many believe the Bagels originate form the bageltree, many believe that, when many meteorites struck earth, one meteorite containing bagel ingredients crashed into the Mediterranean Sea. The force of the collision caused water to heat up dramatically, baking the ingredients - this is said to have taken 1 million years. They apparently moved upstream in the Nile and some Egyptian bitch hoped for a baby, but when the basket arrived, there it was - a dozen bagels (First Testament: Behind the Scenes).

The debate meant that in 1935 as WW2 began, Adolf Hitler set up a concentration camp - Bagelvitz, where Bagels would work and then they were gassed, much scientific research meant that many bagels were left flour damaged and saturated in butter.

edit Bagelbook

Bagelbook have tried to sue Facebook for their copyright theft. Bagelbook is a social networking site for Bagels over the age of 16 hours to interact. A dramatic rise in users has been promising for the economy of bagels, which was declining in 1987 when a similar bread was introduced 'the savory donut': recently the savory donut has went down on the leaderboard after tuesday nights score of 2:1 to the bagels. Bagelbook has noticed lack of users in Zimbabwe, Chad, Niger, and Ethiopia - believed to be because of famine, the bagel although much needed in these areas, is not there due to its native backgrounds in the Scottish Highlands, and Norwegian Fjords - they burn easily and then in 1870 New York created a cream cheese like substance which could protect them from UV light - lack of cream cheese in these African countries has led to their disgust to the continent. Queen Elizabeth once lost her crown, instead she took a bagel and placed it on her head, now the bagel is sacred in Canada, and the United Kingdom, excluding Dundee, Scotland - the bagel in this district is extremely disgraced due the the fact it is in a zone of heavy bagel polluting volcanos erupting approximately 9 million bagels every Sunday.

edit Bagel Innovations


A bagel passively awaiting its next victim.

Vaati, the munchkin mage, discovered in 1933 that putting a hole in the center of the bagel would make it more edible. Simon also found that various flavorings could be added to bagels, but he considered it too much of a radical move and flavored bagels were not introduced until his notes were rediscovered in 1967, height of the hippie era. They were met with widespread popularity and phenomenal commercial success, inspiring many Jewish grocers to begin making and selling bagels.

edit Threat analysis

A bagel by itself is not dangerous (apart from the Californian squid-explosive cheddar-jalapeño-bagel, of course), as it can only infect when it is feeling at home, which would be among a group of satanists. If this criteria is fulfilled, and a bite is taken from the viral food, the threat to the victim's health and physical well being is however considerable. The virus will immediately start the process of giving the victim, male or not, an erection in order to feature the wood necessary to have sex with a Horse of Troy. In men, the erected organ is the penis, in women, the erected organ will be the inverted vagina.

It has recently beem discovered that Jews are entirely unaffected by consuming bagels. In fact, the Jew strain of bagel seems to have developed a symbiotic relationship with Jews; the relationship being that if a Jew does not consume at least one bagel every 24 hours, he or she asplodes.

edit A New Hope

In recent times, an unknown college student discovered a new use for bagel which ultimately led to a rise in popularity again. With the use of Butter and a Microwave, one can create a make shift sex toy. No more than 10 seconds though.

edit Becoming a Bagel

You will need a:

  1. Toaster (lacking a toaster, you may use a radiator preheated for 30 minutes on number 4; if you're at 3 there is a 27.8% chance that you will morph into a mimosa cocktail at your best friend's sister's engagement party),
  2. iPhone/iPod Touch. Hold in hand at 37 degrees southwest of your right nostril, then download the app for bagel reproduction (this will allow you to bagel reproduce in your bagel life, therefore the species of bagel will remain)
  3. calculator. It must not be scientific, as they create an aery atmosphere and much of the Caucasian public are not satisfied with Texet's or Casio's new scientific calculator design plans. Calculate your BMI. Once calculated, throw it away. You will not be requiring your BMI anymore.
  4. Scissors: simply cut open your trautic abdomen in a linear format, tear out the heart, lungs, and place them on a fan extractor. then sit, and breathe gently,
  5. Eat 12 bags of self-raising flour and then count to 85. After this you can saute in a pan that you have preheated with 90 litres of water. If you are lacking a large hob or pot you may use your Jacuzzi. Sit and wait.

edit See also

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