Bad things have happened recently
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Bad things have happened recently in the last hour somewhere close to you. Worse things occured in the whole centre of the biggest city you know. Unimaginable things simultaneously took place in the cities suburban areas, rural areas, rivers and factories. Don't think they didn't happen, because they did. Most regions on Earth are affected and by "most" we mean "all". Institutions and landmarks have gone amok including prisons, kindergartens and pay phones. Stay clear of lawn bowling fields, textile factories and experimental art studios as sources say they are the ground zero of especially horrible atrocities. It is all simply dire and the zones most affected are the safest ones. It goes without saying that any location anywhere is a location of bedlam at a time when it is the worst time for awful things to happen.
Nasty things went on in over one hundred different subway lines across the globe, both underground and above ground. Bad things happened in the air, that is, bad things happened to good people who were airborne. These occurrences are all alarmingly pandemic. Your home and workplace are not immune to it. Steer clear of streets, alleys, cars, public spaces, private spaces, badly lit zones, well lit zones, shop entrances, airport charity fountains and especially any place where bad things will happen which is in fact any place you could possibly think of. Underground tunnels are black spots where very very very extremely bad things will occur.
Awful things of biblical proportions happened the day before the day before yesterday. The day after that saw some rough stuff. The bad things that happened today, however, were the worst of the worst so far and the pandemonium is steadily increasing.
The city has been in a state of dark-red alert which is a "state of extreme possibility of potential disaster" level. The city council has upgraded the alert level to very-ultra-dark-red-emergency-alert which is a "super seriously severe imminent danger of apocalyptic disaster maybe-coming-soon" level (the second highest warning alert level). The highest level is only issued when any hope of survival is futile (Black alert), this alert level is expected anytime soon.
Rumours of shockingly bad things happening have been verified as actual rumours. These rumours are not false. These rumours of bad things are things that will occur as soon as you finish reading this. There you go, see, a bad thing just happened somewhere.
Our bad event detector has registered an A- on its bad event scale which is considered desperately bad. Citizens should be very concerned and expect the worst if not something imminently catastrophic.
In China, a long list of bad things have also happened. So many bad things have happened that many more bad things are likely to happen because of the previous bad things. People should avoid all travel to China, avoid Chinese products and Chinese food. Avoid Chinese people at all costs. Chinese citizens should not eat or drink anything in China for the next two weeks. The consequences of eating things will be worse than dying of hunger.
Bad things happened recently to your family. Some of your cousins cannot find a parking spot. Your closest loved ones have high blood pressure and are continuing to eat salty food. Your family is doomed.
Try jumping up and down as the most horrific things will happen on the ground. Though you should not move from where you are. Stay there now or bad things will happen. Unfortunate happenings will happen anyways but they may be less unfortunate if you stay where you are. Don't blink your eyes. The result will be cripplingly destructive beyond imagination. Try not to breathe. It's better you don't breathe so that bad things stop being quite as bad as they will become.
Now that you know all of this, be prepared for bad things to pass and if they do not happen, search for them until you find them. Not finding them will be a big mistake as not finding bad things happening is even more bad. It is awful mega bad. The choice is yours, though there's only one real choice.
Nothing strange has happened in the last five seconds. That means a real whopper is coming any moment now. And that ... is bad if bad means anything. Send a text message to everyone now saying you love them. Don't forget to put 'xox' at the end. Don't forget to hit send. Now close your eyes and brace. BRACE. BRACE!!!!