Bad Religion
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“No! Bad! Bad Religion! No! We do that outside!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bad Religion
Bad Religion is an influential punk rock band known for its political stance against the gov't. The band formed in Los Angeles by Greg Graffin (vocals), Original Jesus (guitar), and 12 different Jesii (drums) in 1960. Their first album, Bad Religion: was known for popularizing punk rock music.
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[edit] History
Historians disagree on the actual history of this band. The overwhelming majority now believes that Greg Graffin "evolved from page fibers in a dictionary or thesaurus". The other band members' origins are unknown. The bassist is suspected of being an extraterrestial.
[edit] Early years
Bad Religion began as a beloved christian rock band originating in the Roman Empire in 44 B.C. It's original line up was: Jesus Christ on guitar, Mr. T on vocals and Tchaikovsky playing the sitar. They rose to promience during the so-called "Gay 30s" playing for the Kings of Kreblackistan.
They had such hits as: Funky Town, Amazing Grace, and the abtly named: this is a song.
The band began to fizzle in the early eighties when they moved to southern Jerusalem. They began to phase out the sitar and Tchaikovsky left. He has replaced by "Jay Bently" on bass, and the line up changed completly with all original members gone, replaced by: Greg Graffin on Vocals, Jay Zizkrout on drums, and Brett Gurewitz on guitar.
[edit] Early career
The modern day line up of Bad Religion was formed when the founding member Jesus Christ was really tired from recently having sex with the renknown Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Hansen. Jesus felt that their were not nearly enough bands with the words "bad and "religion" in them. So he gathered his closest friends to form what was tenetivly called "The Band", but then they broke up. They then began to form what they called "The Other Band". Then they broke up. After 3 minutes they reformed again under than name "Dead Monkeys". But then sitar player Tchaikovsky was rumoured to be suffering from death, so they chaneged the name to "Dead Together". This was the turning point.
Their first album was called "Sex with Hamsters in Florida". It's sound was dominated by Tchaikovsky's sitar playing and the heartfelt singing of Mr. T. It was a smash hit in Missourri. It lasted a total 37 seconds. But, they praised their God, with the esoteric name: Michael Madsen.
[edit] Departure of Jesus
Shortly after their first record, Original Jesus remembered he wasn't supposed to be on earth until the second coming and left the band without a guitar player. Fortunantly, just about every teenage boy on the planet learns to play the guitar, and they replaced him with a relatively unknown man Antichrist Johnson. He proposed many new changes, which are shown in their second album, Descent to Hell. The album flopped, however, and they kicked out Antichrist, citing his constant drinking, talk of disbanding the European Union, and flamboyant homosexuality. They replaced him with Saint Theresa, and the band's popularity came back overnight. Their third album, The Ascension, recaptured the spirit of the band and showed the people that they were back for business. They are currently working on the fourth album, nicknamed Second Coming, where Original Jesus returns as their guitarist. The original drummer chosen for this group was Avril Lavigne, who later resigned to proceed a career in her own music.
[edit] New lineup
The follow up album was an equal success. Titled "Bad Religion's Second Album". All funds went to the Confederate war effort, and most scholars and insane asylum inductees agree the injection of funding is what won the American Civil war for the South.
It was the third and final album for the origonal line up that made the band enter it's decline, not to mention the fall of the western Roman Empire. The sitar playing became more minor, and Mr. T disliked the changes, so he and Tchaikovsky (now turning homosexual) went on to become Bob Dylan. Jesus Christ hired the 4,000 year old Chinese Scholar Jay Bently to the band. The new line up destroyed Bad Religion, the band was in chaos.
Jesus found a man named Greg Hetson and breathed into the nostrils of Heston and it was good! Hetson is now the dijereedoo player and kilt wearer of the band. Hetson was involved in a nintendo scandal shortly after joining the band...he now has 2 children named zelda.
[edit] Help from Other Bands
With the band in decline, a vacuum was open in the world of music. They needed to regain their domininance in the world of 17th Century German chair music. A band that had been rising in popularity called the Ku Klux Klan had been great fans of their music. The twogroups came together in their joint Christmas album. It was described as the greatest album ever by all the former band members.
Bad Religion disappeared shortly afterward, until they did a song with the well-known indie-pop band the Ku Klux Klan. It was a smash hit, and the two bands have had a tight writting partnership ever since.
The band currently is working on their 2,003 album. Which is odd as they have only done seven.
[edit] Controversy over Lyrics
Bad Religion constantly insults all religions except Christianity in their lyrics, and praise their god as the true one (we all know that Eric Clapton is the true god, however). This has led to make fights with other bands over whos god is the most 'kickass'. Some bands they feud with are listed below. One often used form of finding the greater god is to jump off a cliff, and to see which god catches which person first. 9/10 they win, except when they challenge the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who uses his holy Saucon to make them Think they won, where in reality they are crashed into the bottom of the cliff.
[edit] The Feud with Rival Bands
Bad Religion is known for its constant feuds with other bands, some bands that it has feuded with are:
*Jewish Rap Squad
*Durka Durka Muhammad Jihad
*Ooooom (Tibetan Remix)
*The Hands of Shiva
*Tom Sellek and The Beaver Brown Band
[edit] Discography
| Album Cover | Date of Release | Title | Label | Amerika Billboard Peak | World Sales |
| April 30, 1969 | Only our God is Right | Messiah Records | 1 | 300 million copies |
| June 6, 1973 | Descent to Hell | Messiah Records | Did not record | 1 copy |
| July 7, 1977 | Ascension | Messiah Records | 4 | 200 million copies |
| April 1, 1984 | Supper | Messiah Records | 3 | 666 Copies |
| December 21st, 1989 | Vietcong! And Other Fun-Time Anecdotes | Cakeblaster Studios | 15 | 800 Million copies |
[edit] Trivia
It was previously believed that...
- Mathmeticians cannot count the number of albums procuced to this day as it is so high. Bad Religion mainly sing about religion and jacking off in front of web cams. The most famous guitarist Brett Gurewitz actually died years ago from drug abuse. He is a zombie.
- Bad Religion's trade mark have been it's cheery, religious pop lyrics. They have been total fans of Good Charlotte their entire lives.
- Greg Graffin was once found driving a stolen car belonging to Jerry Springer. When asked if he knew anything about it he replied with, 'do you think my hand would look better on my face or in a jar? If you want a jar then go fishing. A lake will do. A metaphorical one smelling of rhetoric.' Charges were dropped after Greg was found to have been taken over by Jerry in a bizarre twist. This ended in Jerry being sentenced to life in prison.
- Jesus really dyes his hair. Orange.
