Glass Mike Tyson

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Bad Mike Tyson

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bad Mike Tyson.
“I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children!”

Mike Tyson aka Abdul bin Salim Mohammed is a notoriously bad negro with a chip on his shoulder that even overshadows the grudge between his ears. Conceived orally out of wedlock to Cus D'amato, and seasoned in the ghettos and kiddie-prisons, he nearly extinguished himself by becoming the World Superweight Boxing Champion in all 27 different Boxing Councils, including the IBF, WBC, IGAA (Inter Galactic Athletic Association), Shaolin Quan, Supreme Ultimate Boxing Federation, Ring Magazine, and even Hollywood's Fight Club, where he threatened to beat Brad Pitt into a mangled pulp.

During his short but stout career he demolished some choice chumps, including a token Honky[1], racking up a string of knockouts to rival Jack Dempsey. After winning and unifying all the multitude of world titles he successfully defended his championship nine times before his weakness was discovered. During the height of his "reign of terror" Tyson's handlers alternately kept him suppressed between fights with elephant tranquilizers, which they would withhold and substitute with Nitroglycerin and Cocaine during his bouts.

His best fights were against some big bloods, most notably former champ Larry Holmes, who looked startled when he should have looked at Tyson, and especially his final shock defeat at the hands of nillion-to-1 underdog, Buster Douglas, who was the first boxer to ever throw a punch at Tyson. The famed "Douglas Punch" knocked Tyson out cold and cost him all his championship belts. Tyson later regained consciousness after three months and claimed to have taken a dive to please his investment-banker, Sir Don, King of Kleptopolis. But with the glass-jaw exposed Tyson's real career in people-shredding was effectively over. Everyone and their uncle knew that the best defense against Tyson was any offense.

“Everybody said he was invincible and nobody never even threw a single punch at him.
So I thought, 'go-on, man, take a poke!' And sure 'nough he was out cold!”
~ Buster Douglas on Mike Tyson

With nothing to do Tyson began to terrorize the planet, manifesting his Bad Nigger Attitude for exactly that. After losing a string of exhibition bouts along with all his money he became a born-again jail bird, and finally a tongue-tied comedian and voice coach who's most acclaimed for a Jimmy Kimmel skit of him teaching George Dubya Bush how to speak English. In other words: Tyson went from being the "baddest man on the planet" to being a pathetic clown whose funniest joke is himself.

To be totally spiteful - in line with Uncyclopedia's strict NPOV policy - this article opines that Tyson’s violent life and dick headed style are so perturbing that we will only give his story in outline form below. That way you can get this grotesque article over-with as fast as humanly possible[2].

History

Youth

Unfortunately.

Reform School

Fortunately.

Released from Reform School

Unfortunately.

Tyson-king

Tyson with his personal banker, King Don, who points to his golden goose and says, "This little dick make me some powerful money!"

Career in Boxing

Wins Golden Gloves

Fortunately.

Misses Olympic Games

Unfortunately.

Turns Pro

Fortunately.

Joins King Don

Unfortunately.

Wins Superweight Title

Fortunately.

Kicks Out Trainer Kevin Rooney

Unfortunately.

Defends Superweight Title 9 Times

Fortunately.

Takes On No-body Buster Douglas & Loses All His Titles

Unfortunately.


Tyson v/s Douglas: See Tyson take the first punch ever in his career.

Personal Life

Marriage to Robin Givens

Fortunately.

Rapes Some Hot Bitch Who Has Enough Balls to Admit It

Unfortunately.

Tyson-drag

Toward the end of his career Tyson resorted to ever-more innovative boxing costumes

Goes To Prison

Fortunately.

Has Mr. T as a Cell Mate

Unfortunately.

Loses the Baddest Years of His Career

Fortunately.

Finds Allah in Jail

Unfortunately.

Divorce from Robin Givens

Fortunately.

Gets Spider-web Tattooed on Face

Unfortunately.

Earns $300,000,000 in Career and Endorsements

Fortunately.

Gives All His Money to King Don and a Litany of Bitches

Unfortunately.

Tyson-fat

Tyson now

Retires in Humiliation

Fortunately.

Takes Up Career in Self Ridicule

Unfortunately.

Conclusion

This Article is Almost Over

Fortunately.

Mike Tyson is Still Loose

Unfortunately.

He Has No Idea Who You Are

Fortunately.

Also See

Tyson-Zoloft

References

  1. Just to give the impression that he could spell the word, "Raceism"
  2. Don't get the wrong idea. Uncyclopedia actually adores Mike Tyson. Read his article here
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