Glass Mike Tyson

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Mike Tyson with King Don

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mike Tyson.
“Everybody said he was invincible and nobody never even threw a single punch at him. So I thought, 'go-on, man, take a poke!' And sure 'nough he was out cold!”
~ Buster Douglas on Mike Tyson

Conceived out of his own ashes to Cus D'amato and seasoned in the ghettos of Harlam, Mike Tyson once exploded upon the gladiatorial arenas to become the World's Number One pugilist. In fact, during the height of his onslaught he brandished all the Heavyweight title belts in 17 world boxing councils, including the IBF, WBC, IAAA, Shaolin Quan, and even Hollywood's Fight Club, where he was restrained from beating Brad Pitt back to reality.

During his short but tempestuous career Tyson transformed himself into a human artillery shell, enabling him to decimate many woolly behemoths, including a token cracker, and he quickly racked up a string of first round demolitions to rival "The Manassa Mauler". During his reign of terror Tyson's handlers alternately kept him suppressed between fights with elephant tranquilizers, which they would withhold and substitute with Nitro during his bouts. After unifying all the world titles he successfully defended his ever-disputed championship nine times before his conchoidal weakness was discovered.

His best fights were against former champ Larry Holmes, who was completely shocked when Tyson exploded in his face like an MOAB, as also his public cannibalisation of Evander Holifield. But especially surprising was his final shock defeat at the hands of nillion-to-1 underdog, Buster Douglas, who was the very first boxer to ever throw a punch at Tyson. The famed "Douglas Punch" knocked Tyson out cold, costing him all his championship belts in one stop. later, after passing three month in a coma, Tyson regained consciousness and claimed to have taken a dive. But with his glass-jaw exposed Tyson's successful boxing career was effectively over.



Glass Mike Tyson?

Fortunately for Cus D'amato, Mike Tyson was born. But before Mike's pubic hair had even started to sprout he landed in Reform School as a very naughty boy. Eventually Tyson was released early on extreme bad-behavior and he took up a career in Boxing - the only activity which allowed him to beat the living crap out of people.

Adopted from the boxing-gutter by a vengeful old Cus, Tyson was groomed for D'amato's global pay back scheme. Starting out as an unpaid professional boxer he soon won the United States Golden Gloves title in his very first bout. Clearly he was a badass. He was so brutal that he murdered a string of sparing partners, skipped the Olympic Games, and turned paid-professional at age 18. Within 1 year of realizing that he could get cash and pussy for exploding in people's faces, Tyson had teamed up with King Don and become the youngest heavyweight champion in history.

That is when it all started to go wrong. In spite of successfully defending his title 9 times, Tyson lost his mentor when Cus died with a self-satisfied grin, and he then moronically fired his successful trainer and confidant, Kevin Rooney, for being a ball-breaking honky. Big mistake! Now he was out of control. Cocky as a porn star on blow he made one mistake after another until he took on a genuinely unworthy challenger, Buster Douglas, who knocked Tyson out cold with one sucker punch. That is precisely when Tyson's weakness was discovered. There was no doubt about it: Tyson's a sucker for a punch.

Personal Life

At the peak of his powers, when Tyson had fame and money, he made the foolish mistake of marrying an over-priced Hollywood gold-digger named Robin Givens. For a while he actually fucked her at a rate of about $100,000 a pop, although she would no more admit to sleeping with Glass Mike than to using a glass dildo. Eventually he raped some other hot bitch who had the gall to complain. It was a lesson he should have learned from Jack Johnson: rich black men cannot have free pussy and get away with it. So he went to prison and lost the best years of his entire career.


Tyson now

Upon his release from jail and with nothing to do Tyson began to terrorize more than just his immediate opponents and their handlers. Promptly losing a string of exhibition bouts along with all his money he quickly ended up back in prison for punching bystanders and short-changing some other two-bit ho.


Tyson found Allah languishing in prison so he got a spider-web tattooed on his face, after which he got kicked out of jail due to bad behavior and had his sentence commuted to life on the outside. Once again a free man Tyson celebrated by divorcing Robin Givens (for refusing to wear a Burqa), and he then raped some more hot bitches (including Evander Holyfield). During his life Tyson earned over $300 million in career and endorsements but he gave it all away to King Don and a litany of bitches & lawyers. Finally burned-out and chubby, Tyson retired in humiliation and took up a career in self-ridicule aka the Entertainment Industry.

Tyson eventually found his calling as a tongue-tied comedian and voice coach who's most acclaimed for a Jimmy Kimmel skit of him teaching George Dubya Bush how to speak English. In other words Tyson went from being the "baddest man on the planet" to being voice coach for the baddest man on the planet.

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