Bacon

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{| class="infobox" border="1" style="margin: 0em 0em 1em 1em; width: 22%; text-align: center;" align="right"
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{{Everythingsbetterwithbacon}}
|colspan="3" style="background-color:#B0C4DE"|'''BACON'''
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{{Info/Science
|-
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|name=Sexy Bacon
|colspan="3"|[[Image:Isolated_Bacon.jpg]]
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|image =Sexy Bacon.jpg
|-
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|size=200px
|colspan="3" style="background-color:#B0C4DE"|'''General'''
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|Ba
|-
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|<math>\infty</math>
|'''Symbol'''
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|sizzling
|colspan="2"|Ba
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|pork
|-
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|belly
|'''Number'''
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|[[pig]]
|colspan="2"|<math>\infty</math>
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|delicious
|-
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|[[bacon fat|Bacon fat]]
|colspan="3" style="background-color:#B0C4DE"|'''Physical Properties'''
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|Canadian Bacon
|-
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|ham
|'''Weight'''
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}}
|colspan="2"|0
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{{Q|Eat me.|Kevin Bacon|Bacon}}
|-
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'''Bacon''' is agreeably the sexiest substance ever created. It is a very versatile food, used in [[sandwiches]], [[breakfast]], and especially [[soda]]. Bacon, of course, is also the healthiest food known to man. It is delicious and nutritious, as well as good for the body, mind, and soul. It has been proven to significantly increase one's lifespan by twenty years, if not more, with virtually no negative side effects. It has even been shown to cure [[cancer]]. In fact, it's the only known [[steroid]] that does not decrease penis or testicle size. Instead, it increases both! As a result, [[doctors]] often prescribe Bacon pills or sometimes even all-Bacon diets to patients with heart disease, high blood pressure, [[obesity]], and vitamin B (Bacon) deficiency. This makes Bacon the single-most common medicine doctors prescribe. Sometimes, doctors may also inject Bacon [[grease]] into patients who have high cholesterol to lubricate their clogged arteries. Even minor-injury patients are hooked up to IVs of liquid Bacon to help speed up their recovery. Bacon is the most important tier of the [[Food Octagon]].
|'''[[Density]]'''
 
|colspan="2"|0.5 g/cm³
 
|-
 
|'''Melting point'''
 
|colspan="2"|245°C
 
|-
 
|'''[[Boiling point]]'''
 
|colspan="2"|572°C
 
|-
 
|'''Sizzling point'''
 
|colspan="2"|102°C
 
|-
 
|'''Crisping point'''
 
|colspan="2"|163°C
 
|-
 
|'''Hamification point'''
 
|colspan="2"|-13°C
 
|-
 
|'''Taste factor'''<br><small>(from -1 to 1)</small>
 
|colspan="2"|1
 
|}
 
   
{{Q|Beer Can|Jamaica}}
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== History of Bacon ==
   
'''BACON''' is agreeably the greatest substance ever created. It is a very versatile food, used in [[sandwiches]], [[breakfast]], and especially [[soda]]. It is also the only known [[steroid]] that does not decrease penis or testicle size. Instead, it increases both!
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[[Image:Ilovebaconmg5.jpg|left|thumb|138px|'''Sir Francis Bacon'''. Clearly, he loves Bacon.]]
   
== BACON ==
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First invented by Sir Francis Bacon to combat famine, Bacon lives true to its purpose as the primary weapon in the '''War on Hunger.''' In the early [[1500]]s when Sir Francis Bacon, troubled by the lack of fat in people’s diets, decided to solve the problem by creating Bacon himself. He started with a [[pig]] and, using a series of chemical processes, he isolated several pounds of the new, awesome element he wanted: Bacon. With an infinite number of [[proton]]s, [[neutron]]s, and [[electron]]s, Bacon was the first element in the [[Awesomnium]] series to be discovered by man. When Sir Francis Bacon released his research to public eye in [[1523]], people were amazed and stunned by the power and energy the new element exhibited. Some [[military]] commanders that were impressed even began to send their troops out clothed and armed with Bacon. This was, unfortunately, what made the crew of the U.S.S. Indianapolis so appealing to the [[shark]]s when the crew’s ship sank in the [[Pacific|Pacific Ocean]]. Despite this grim event that occurred over 400 years later, Sir Francis Bacon quickly became famous for discovering the element, which would be named after him.
   
First invented by [[Sir Francis Bacon|Sir Francis BACON]] to combat famine, BACON lives true to its purpose as the primary weapon in the '''War on Hunger'''. To date, it has fed billions of people around the world, many of whom have developed such a fanatical love for it they changed their last name to BACON.
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[[Image:Isolated_Bacon.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Bacon in its natural state: '''Crispy'''.]]
[[Image:Kevin_bacon_01.jpg|left|thumb|122px|The sexiest form of BACON.]]
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To date, Bacon has fed billions of people around the world, many of whom develop such a fanatical love for the substance they change their last name to Bacon. This has led to the creation of Baconism, or the worship of all things Bacon. It has steadily been a growing phenomenon. Its followers love to savor Bacon its many forms. Baconists or sometimes Baconians, eat a diet consisting entirely of Bacon products; such as Bacon bread, Bacon smoothies (Bacon ground up in a blender), Bacon [[pie]], Bacon in a Bottle, and even [[Kevin Bacon|Kevin]] (on some occasions). Because of their vitamin B-rich diet, Baconists often have extremely long life spans and many develop superhuman strength.
This has led to BACONism, or the worship of all things BACON. It has always been a growing phenomenon. Its followers, BACONists or sometimes BACONians, eat a diet consisting entirely of BACON products such as BACON bread, BACON smoothies (BACON ground up in a blender), or BACON [[pie]]. Because of this, BACONists often have extremely long life spans and superhuman strength. BACONists will also eat BACON its many forms, including normal, rashers, [[Canada|Canadian]], bits, soda-flavored, [[Bacon in a Bottle|bottled]], and even [[Kevin Bacon|Kevin]] (on some occasions).
 
   
=== Health ===
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=== Sizzling or Fizzling? ===
   
BACON, of course, is also the healthiest food known to man. It is delicious and nutritious, as well as good for the body, mind, and soul. It has also been proven to significantly increase one's lifespan by twenty years, if not more. It has virtually no negative side effects. In fact, it has even been shown to cure cancer.
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For short time after its inception, the field of Bacon had little progress in its research. Some tried to create new forms of Bacon by injecting poison and other chemicals into it, but this only succeeded in killing the scientists involved. There were also attempts to break down Bacon into other substances, but these, of course, failed. This period of trial and error went on for several hundred years, resulting in the [[death]] of many a [[dumbass]], several of whom even won [[Darwin Awards|awards]] for their incredible [[stupid]]ity. It wouldn't be until the [[1700]]s (sometime between [[November 3]], [[1718]] and [[April 30]], [[1792]], to be precise) rolled around that a new breakthrough in Bacon technology would come.
   
As a result, [[doctors]] often prescribe all-BACON diets or sometimes even BACON pills to patients with heart disease, high blood pressure, [[obesity]], vitamin B (BACON) deficiency, and [[AIDS]]. This makes BACON the most common thing doctors perscribe. Sometimes, doctors may also inject BACON [[grease]] into patients who have high cholesterol to lubricate their clogged arteries. Even hospital patients are hooked up to IVs of liquid BACON to speed up their recovery.
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=== The Bacon Sandwich ===
  +
[[Image:Bacon.jpg|left|thumb|130px|You see this? It's '''not nearly enough''' Bacon for your sandwich.]]
  +
:'' '''Main Article''': [[Sandwich]]. Or was it [[John Montagu]]? Both artices speak finely of sandwiches, so it probably doesn't really matter, anyways.''
   
=== Hamification ===
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The year was [[1718]]. The month was [[November]]. The day was the 307th (of the year). As the poor peasants living in [[Sandwich]], [[England]] awoke, each one found there was a smell in the air, as if the day would be an important one. The smell, of course, turned out to be the sudden, unexpected release of a large underground supply of methane [[gas]], which bears no relevance to the topic at hand. But, despite the unusual methane release, the simple peasants never suspected that this day would become one of the greatest in history (although they did suspect it would be a rather important day). It was that day, [[November 3|November 307]], [[1718]] that the 4th Earl of Sandwich, John Earl Montagu the Great, was born.
   
Although typically stable at room temperature and even [[refrigerator]] temperature, at temperatures below -13°C BACON becomes rather unstable and begins to go through a process commonly known as Hamification. Through this process, BACON begins to turn into the substance called "[[ham]]" or even into whole [[pig]]s, which were an unknown animal until scientists accidentally made one from Hamification. Now, Hamification is used to mass-produce the world's supply of pigs, which are used to make more BACON.
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John Earl Montagu became the single most important man in the '''Bacon Revolution''' (not to be confused with [[Bacon's Rebellion|Bacon's Rebellion]]) when he was the first man to eat Bacon between two slices of bread. This Bacon [[sandwich]], the wonderful invention Montague made the moment he assembled the beautiful creation and masterpiece would become a phenomenon the moment Montagu sank his teeth in, chewed, savored, swallowed, and gave the sandwich two thumbs up.
   
== History ==
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[[File:Meat6.jpg|thumb|right|Share it with '''the one you love'''.]]
[[Image:Bacon.jpg|right|thumb|150px|BACON in its natural state: Crispy.]]
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Soon after that night when Montagu first ate his masterpiece, everyone was eating Bacon sandwiches, amazed. The level of brilliance required to create such a work of [[genius]] was totally unheard of, especially in an era of awful ideas such as [[Monarchy]] and [[Royalty]]. Thus, John Montagu became forever immortalized by his magnificent creation. Over time, the Bacon sandwich would lead to the creation of, amongst many things: the Bacon Bacon Bacon sandwich, a Bacon sandwich using Bacon instead of bread to house the Bacon interior, as well as the fabled [[Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905|Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905]].
BACON’s history begins in the early [[1500]]s when [[Sir Francis Bacon|Sir Francis BACON]], troubled by the lack of BACON in people’s diets, decided to solve the problem by creating BACON himself. He started with a [[pig]] and, using a series of chemical processes, he isolated several pounds of the new, awesome element he wanted: BACON. With an infinite number of [[proton]]s, [[neutron]]s, and [[electron]]s, BACON was the first element in the [[Awesomnium]] series to be discovered by man.
 
   
When Sir Francis BACON released his research to public eye in [[1523]], people were amazed and stunned by the power and energy the new element exhibited. Some [[military]] commanders that were impressed even began to send their troops out clothed and armed with BACON. This was, unfortunately, what made the crew of the U.S.S. Indianapolis so appealing to the [[shark]]s when the crew’s ship sank in the [[Pacific|Pacific Ocean]]. Despite this grim event that occurred over 400 years later, Sir Francis BACON quickly became famous for discovering the element, which would be named after him.
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==== How to Make and Eat a Fried Bacon Sandwich ====
   
In the years following the invention of BACON, there was a sharp rise in the number of BACONists living in the world, leading soon to a BACON revolution that shaped the Enlightenment, as well as the [[Industrial Revolution]] and much of the history of the world.
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Of course, you cannot continue to read about Bacon, Bacon products, and Hamification for so long without having the urge to devour vast quantities of the very foodstuffs you are reading about. Thus, I shall instruct you on how to make a delicious and extremely healthy fried Bacon sandwich right now.
[[Image:Ilovebaconmg5.jpg|left|thumb|138px|Sir Francis BACON. Clearly, he loves BACON.]]
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[[File:Bacon sandwich.jpg|right|thumb|330px|The perfect '''Bacon sandwich'''!!!]]
=== The Slow Beginning ===
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# Obtain an insanely large amount of Bacon.
  +
# Fry the insanely large amount of Bacon.
  +
# Obtain an even larger amount Bacon.
  +
# Fry the even larger amount of Bacon.
  +
# Obtain two slices of [[bread]].
  +
# Fry the bread (make sure you fry both slices of bread instead of just frying one slice and forgetting about the other).
  +
# Place the fried insanely large amount of Bacon on top of one of the fried bread slices.
  +
# Place the fried even larger amount of Bacon on top.
  +
# Place a slice fried bread on top (important: don't use the same slice you put all the Bacon on top of).
  +
# Consume, taking small bites (so as not to choke), chewing, savoring the tasty flavor of the Bacon sandwich, and swallowing.
  +
'''''Note:''' It is important you follow all these steps in their exact, listed order so that you can enjoy a wonderful meal of a Bacon sandwich, as opposed to food [[poison]]ing.''
   
For a time, the field of BACON had little progress in its research. Some tried to create new forms of BACON by injecting poison and other chemicals into it, but this only succeeded in killing the scientists involved. There were also attempts to break down BACON into other substances, but these, of course, failed. This period of trial and error went on for several hundred years, resulting in the [[death]] of many a [[dumbass]], several of whom even won [[Darwin Awards|awards]] for their incredible [[stupid]]ity. It wouldn't be until the [[1700]]s (sometime between [[November 3]], [[1718]] and [[April 30]], [[1792]], to be precise) rolled around that a new breakthrough in BACON technology would come.
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==== How to Make and Eat a Fried Fried Bacon Bacon Sandwich ====
   
=== The BACON Sandwich ===
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Repeat as above, except double the amount of fried Bacon, and after you are finished assembling the gargantuan sandwich, fry that as well. Really, it's that simple.
:''Main Article: [[Sandwich]]. Or was it [[John Montagu]]? Both artices speak finely of sandwiches, so it probably doesn't really matter anyways.''
 
   
The year was [[1718]]. The month was [[November]]. The day was the 307th (of the year). As the poor peasants living in [[Sandwich]], [[England]] awoke, each one found there was a smell in the air, as if the day would be an important one. The smell, of course, turned out to be the sudden, unexpected release of a large underground supply of methane [[gas]], which bears no relevance to the topic at hand. But, despite the unusual methane release, the simple peasants never suspected that this day would become one of the greatest in history (although they did suspect it would be a rather important day). It was that day, [[November 3|November 307]], [[1718]] that the great [[John Montagu|4th Earl of Sandwich, John (Earl) Montagu the Great]], was born.
+
Once you have finished consuming your sandwiches, continue on.
   
It was this John (Earl) Montague who would become one of the single most important men in the '''BACON Revolution''' (not to be confused with [[Bacon's Rebellion|BACON's Rebellion]]) when he was the first man to eat BACON between two slices of bread. This became the BACON [[sandwich]], the wonderful invention Montague made the moment he assembled the beautiful creation, and the masterpiece that became a phenomenon the moment Montagu sank his teeth in, chewed, savored, swallowed, and gave the sandwich two thumbs up.
+
=== Bacon Bits ===
   
Soon after that night where Montagu ate his masterpiece, everyone was eating BACON sandwiches, amazed. The level of brilliance required to create such a work of [[genius]] was totally unheard of in such an era of awful ideas such as [[Monarchy]] and [[Royalty]]. Thus, John Montagu became forever immortalized by his magnificent creation. Over time, the BACON sandwich would lead to the creation of, amongst many things. the BACON BACON BACON sandwich, a BACON sandwich using BACON instead of bread to house the BACON interior, as well as the fabled [[Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905|BACON and Cheese Sandwich of 1905]].
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Another breakthrough would come in the [[1800]]s when a young inventor named [[Alfred Nobel]] was upset that Bacon could not be in every single dish and drink. The story goes that Nobel had stuffed Bacon into his [[milk]] during [[breakfast]], but almost choked to death on the tasty strips as he drank the milk. He immediately began to wish there was a way he could enjoy Bacon-milk (not to be confused with the milk acquired from Bacon [[Boobs|breasts]]) without choking on strips of Bacon. Once his mind started thinking, he couldn’t stop it. But, without anything to go on, Nobel’s problem could not be solved.
  +
[[Image:Dietcokewithbacon.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Bacon adds deliciousness with '''half the calories'''.]]
   
=== BACON Bits ===
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Thus, the problem went on for years, during which he often choked on Bacon when he drank his milk, until finally, he reached a realization. Using his other invention, [[dynamite]], Nobel rigged a package of cooked Bacon to a detonator and blew it up. Quickly, Nobel took the product of the first experiment and sprinkled it into a glass of milk, which he immediately drank. Nobel did not choke. He was astonished. Letting no time go to waste, Alfred Nobel patented his invention of exploded Bacon, calling it "Bacon bits". This creation would make Nobel his fortune of billions, enabling the establishment of the [[Nobel Prize]]s in the fields of [[peace]], [[literature]], [[physics]], [[chemistry]], [[medicine]], [[economics]], and Bacon. But, more importantly, the invention would lead to Bacon soda, as well as soda with Bacon.
 
Another breakthrough would come in the [[1800]]s when a young inventor named [[Alfred Nobel]] was upset that BACON could not be in every single dish and drink. The story goes that Nobel had stuffed BACON into his [[milk]] during [[breakfast]], but almost choked to death on the tasty strips as he drank the milk. He immediately began to wish there was a way he could enjoy BACON-milk (not to be confused with the milk acquired from BACON [[Boobs|breasts]]) without choking on strips of BACON. Once his mind started thinking, he couldn’t stop it. But, without anything to go on, Nobel’s problem could not be solved.
 
[[Image:Dietcokewithbacon.jpg|right|thumb|150px|Soda with BACON!!!]]
 
Thus, the problem went on for years, during which he often choked on BACON when he drank his milk, until, finally, he reached a realization. Using his invention of [[dynamite]], Nobel rigged a package of cooked BACON to a detonator and blew it up. Quickly, Nobel took the product of the first experiment and sprinkled it into a glass of milk, which he immediately drank. Nobel did not choke. He was astonished. Letting no time go to waste, Alfred Nobel patented his invention of exploded BACON, calling it "BACON bits". This creation would make Nobel his fortune of billions, enabling the establishment of the [[Nobel Prize]]s in the fields of [[peace]], [[literature]], [[physics]], [[chemistry]], [[medicine]], [[economics]], and BACON. But, more importantly, the invention would lead to BACON soda, as well as soda with BACON.
 
   
 
=== The Discovery of Hamification ===
 
=== The Discovery of Hamification ===
   
In [[1938]], scientists experimenting with samples of BACON stumbled upon very startling results. Two BACON samples placed in a very cold freezer had been replaced by a substance known as [[ham]]. Startled and shocked, the scientists could find no logical explanation for this other than sabotage. Naturally, they blamed the [[Jew]]s and shot all of the Jewish scientists involved in the experiment. The remaining scientists then repeated their experiment. The BACON had yet again been replaced by ham. Several of the scientists, angry and paranoid, shot any scientist they even remotely suspected of being Jewish. For a third time the experiment was repeated. But this time, the freezer was surrounded by motion-sensor machine guns to shoot any potential saboteur. Thus, confident that no one could have tampered with the results, the scientists returned to observe the BACON. They were shot to death by motion-sensor machine guns.
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In [[1938]], scientists experimenting with samples of Bacon stumbled upon very startling results. Two Bacon samples placed in a very cold freezer had been replaced by a substance known as [[ham]]. Startled and shocked, the scientists could find no logical explanation for this other than sabotage. Naturally, they blamed the [[Jew]]s and shot all of the Jewish scientists involved in the experiment. The remaining scientists then repeated their experiment. The Bacon had yet again been replaced by ham. Several of the scientists, angry and paranoid, shot any scientist they even remotely suspected of being Jewish. For a third time the experiment was repeated. But this time, the freezer was surrounded by motion-sensor machine guns to shoot any potential saboteur. Finally confident that no one could have tampered with the results, the scientists returned to observe the Bacon. Here are their conclusions:
   
The next day, the [[police]] came down to investigate the disappearence of Jewish scientists and stumbled upon the scene. They were shot by motion-sensor machine guns. The next several police squads sent to the lab had a fate no different. But then, a S.W.A.T. team with bullet-proof vests was sent in. But, of course, bullet-proof vests are not sufficient enough protection against machine guns, so the S.W.A.T. team was wiped out. But finally, a man with brains arrived wearing virtually impenetrable body armor. Unfortunately, the person did not wear a helmet and thus was killed by machine guns.
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[[Image:Kevin_bacon_01.jpg|left|thumb|122px|The '''sexiest''' form of Bacon.]]
   
To this day, no one has ever succeeded in retrieving the results in that freezer. And thus was the discovery of Hamification. Well, it might have been how Hamification was discovered. In fact, the story probably isn't even true at all, thus making it completely irrelevant.
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{{cquote|Although typically stable at room temperature and even [[refrigerator]] temperature, at temperatures below -13°C Bacon becomes rather unstable and begins to go through a process commonly known as Hamification. Through this process, Bacon begins to turn into the substance called "[[ham]]" or even into whole [[pig]]s.*}}
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:''<nowiki>*</nowiki> Pigs were an unknown animal until the scientists accidentally made one from Hamification. Now, Hamification is used to mass-produce the world's supply of pigs, which are cut up into more Bacon.''
== How to Make and Eat a Fried BACON Sandwich ==
 
 
Of course, you cannot read about BACON, BACON products, and Hamification for so long without having the urge to devour vast quantities of it. Thus, I shall instruct you on how to make a delicious and extremely healthy fried BACON sandwich.
 
[[Image:A_lot_of_bacon.JPG|right|thumb|190px|You see this? It's not nearly enough BACON for your sandwich.]]
 
# Obtain an insanely large amount of BACON.
 
# Fry the insanely large amount of BACON.
 
# Obtain an even larger amount BACON.
 
# Fry the even larger amount of BACON.
 
# Obtain two slices of [[bread]].
 
# Fry the bread (make sure you fry both slices of bread instead of just frying one slice and forgetting about the other).
 
# Place the fried insanely large amount of BACON on top of one of the fried bread slices.
 
# Place the fried even larger amount of BACON on top.
 
# Place a slice fried bread on top (important: don't use the same slice you put all the BACON on top of).
 
# Fry the result.
 
# Fry the result again for good measure.
 
# Consume, taking small bites (so as not to choke), chewing, savoring the tasty flavor of the BACON sandwich, and swallowing.
 
'''''Note:''' It is important you follow all these steps in their exact, listed order so that you can enjoy a wonderful meal of a BACON sandwich, as opposed to food [[poison]]ing.''
 
 
=== How to Make and Eat a Fried BACON BACON BACON Sandwich ===
 
 
Repeat as above, replacing the two slices of bread with two large amounts of fried BACON. Really, it's that simple.
 
 
Once you have finished consuming your sandwiches, continue on.
 
   
 
== Historical Influence ==
 
== Historical Influence ==
   
In the history of the world, BACON has had great influence, some of which is unknown to the public. For instance, [[World War I]] was not, as many believe, the result of some [[Serbia]]n asshole named [[Gavrilo Princip]] shooting the Archduke of [[Austria-Hungary]], [[Franz Ferdinand]]. Well, actually, it was, but the reason why Princip shot the Archduke was... Well, actually, the reason wasn't at all BACON-related, but that’s not the point. Everyone got involved in the war because... well, the alliance system for one, but also because each country was suffering a great BACON shortage. Yes. BACON production had dropped by 50% worldwide in the year [[1913]]. This had already resulted in the deaths of millions, so [[Europe]] was in turmoil, fighting for BACON, as well as the body of Archduke Franz Ferdinand (he was [[sexy]]).
+
In the history of the world, Bacon has had great influence, some of which is unknown to the public. For instance, [[World War I]] was not, as many believe, the result of some [[Serbia]]n asshole named [[Gavrilo Princip]] shooting the Archduke of [[Austria-Hungary]], [[Franz Ferdinand]]. Well, actually, it was, but the reason why Princip shot the Archduke was... Well, actually, the reason wasn't at all Bacon-related, but that’s not the point. Everyone got involved in the war because... well, the alliance system for one, but also because each country was suffering a great Bacon shortage. Yes. Bacon production had dropped by 50% worldwide in the year [[1913]]. This had already resulted in the deaths of millions, so [[Europe]] was in turmoil, fighting for Bacon, as well as the body of Archduke Franz Ferdinand (he was [[sexy]]).
   
 
=== Russian Revolution ===
 
=== Russian Revolution ===
   
For the [[Russia|Russian Empire]], though, the BACON shortage was much more severe. In the Russian [[winter]], no BACON shipments could get through from other countries to aid the dying people. The entire population of [[Bacon Shrub|BACON shrubs]] had perished as well. Millions were dying. Finally, in [[1917]], the Russians got fed up with their incompetent ruler, Tsar (sometimes even Czar or Tzar, but almost Csar) [[Nicholas II]]. A mob of angry Russian peasants forced Nicholas II to abdicate his throne and create a provisional government in [[March]]. But the [[Bolshevik|BACONsheviks]], a radical [[Marxism|Marxist]] group that didn’t trust the government, were preparing a revolution to ensure everyone got BACON. In [[October]], they launched their plan and marched upon the capital, toppling the government and taking control. A totally awesome dictatorship of the [[Proletariat|BACONroletariat]] was established and BACON was given to all.
+
[[Image:Mussolini_bacon_lasereyes.jpg|thumb|130px|right|'''Benito Mussolini''' uses his evil Fascist powers to try and destroy Bacon. The plan backfired.]]
  +
For the [[Russia|Russian Empire]], though, the Bacon shortage was much more severe. In the Russian [[winter]], no Bacon shipments could get through from other countries to aid the dying people. The entire population of [[Bacon Shrub|Bacon shrubs]] had perished as well. Millions were dying. Finally, in [[1917]], the Russians got fed up with their incompetent ruler, Tsar (sometimes even Czar or Tzar, but almost Csar) Nicholas II. A mob of angry Russian peasants forced Nicholas II to abdicate his throne and create a provisional government in [[March]]. But the [[Bolshevik|Baconsheviks]], a radical [[Marxism|Marxist]] group that didn’t trust the government, were preparing a revolution to ensure everyone got Bacon. In [[October]], they launched their plan and marched upon the capital, toppling the government and taking control. A totally awesome dictatorship of the [[Proletariat|Baconroletariat]] was established and Bacon was given to all.
   
Unfortunately, this did not last long. The evil BACONshevik [[Joseph Stalin|Joseph "I Hate BACON" Stalin]] seized control of the dictatorship and effectively ended the free BACON distribution, handing out anti-BACON [[propaganda]]. He outlawed the sale, use, and possession of anything related to BACON, including [[police officer]]s. Anyone who opposed his anti-BACON policies became an [[unperson]]. Soon, this time period where BACONists were persecuted would become known as the [[Great Purge]]. It is estimated that during Stalin’s reign, over 50 million people died from anti-BACONism-related causes.
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Unfortunately, this did not last long. The evil Baconshevik [[Joseph Stalin|Joseph "I Hate Bacon" Stalin]] seized control of the dictatorship and effectively ended the free Bacon distribution, handing out anti-Bacon [[propaganda]]. He outlawed the sale, use, and possession of anything related to Bacon, including [[police officer]]s. Anyone who opposed his anti-Bacon policies became an [[unperson]]. Soon, this time period where Baconists were persecuted would become known as the [[Great Purge]]. It is estimated that during Stalin’s reign, over 50 million people died from anti-Baconism-related causes.
[[Image:Mussolini_bacon_lasereyes.jpg|left|thumb|160px|Benito Mussolini uses his evil Fascist powers to destroy BACON.]]
 
   
 
=== Fascist Italy ===
 
=== Fascist Italy ===
   
Like Stalin, [[Benito Mussolini]] was also terrible, despite the fact he has a funny name. As the [[Fascism|fascist]] dictator of [[Italy]], he outlawed everything awesome, though he also outlawed crappy stuff like political [[parties]], criticizing the government (Mussolini), and suffrage (suffering). But, unfortunately, amongst the awesome things he outlawed were [[waffle]]s and especially BACON. This soon earned Mussolini the nickname ''Il Douche,'' literally meaning "the Douchebag." He was a very evil leader. Until [[King]] Victor Emmanuel III fired him. Then he was a very evil man. Until a pro-BACON [[Communism|communist]] mob shot him, hanged him, stuffed his genitals in his mouth, and stuck him on a meat hook. Then he was a very dead man. With genitals in his mouth.
+
Like Stalin, [[Benito Mussolini]] was also terrible, despite the fact he has a funny name. As the [[Fascism|fascist]] dictator of [[Italy]], he outlawed everything awesome: stuff like political [[parties]], criticizing the government, suffrage, and Bacon. This soon earned Mussolini the nickname ''Il Douche,'' or "the [[Douche]]bag" in English. He ran an extremely corrupted anti-Bacon armament until a pro-Bacon [[Communism|communist]] mob gave him a pair of cement shoes as a belated birthday present.
   
It is said that a "Weekend at Bernie's" situation occurred after the communist mob had shot him, and thus the communists, believing Mussolini to have survived the bullet, severed his genitals and hanged his body. But, when he was taken down, some idiot thought he saw Mussolini moving and screamed. The mob, believing Mussolini to be invincible, stabbed him on a meat hook so that ''Il Douche'' could not reach back and pull himself off. But, of course, he was dead, along with his anti-BACON policies.
+
[[Image:BACONist-manifesto-lg.jpg|right|thumb|190px|A classic piece of Baconist ('''Baconic''') literature.]]
   
== Literature ==
+
==Baconic Literature ==
[[Image:BACONist-manifesto-lg.jpg|right|thumb|150px|A classic piece of BACONist literature.]]
+
Over time, a great amount of [[short story|short stories]], [[poetry|poems]], and even entire [[novel]]s have been written solely for Bacon and its [[awesome]]ness. Most of these writers, of course, are Baconists. Some of the most famous [[literature]] ever written has been written out of love for Bacon, including such great books as ''[[Lord of the Flies|Lord of the Bacon]]'' by William Baconing, ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' by [[George Orwell]] (a.k.a. Eric Bacon), ''[[To Kill a Mocking Bird|To Feed a Mockingbird Some Rashers and Such]]'' by [[Harper Lee|Harper Bacon]], and ''[[The Bible|The Bacon Bacon Bacon Bible Bacon]]'' by His Greatness, the Almighty, Our Lord [[God|Bacon]]. Some other well-known influential writers of Baconist literature include [[Charles Dickens]].
Over time, a great amount of [[short story|short stories]], [[poetry|poems]], and even entire [[novel]]s have been written solely for BACON and its [[awesome]]ness. Most of these writers, of course, are BACONists. Some of the most famous [[literature]] ever written has been written out of love for BACON, including such great books as ''[[Lord of the Flies|Lord of the BACON]]'' by William BACONing, ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' by [[George Orwell]] (a.k.a. Eric BACON), ''[[To Kill a Mocking Bird|To Feed a Mockingbird Some Rashers and Such]]'' by [[Harper Lee|Harper BACON]], and ''[[The Bible|The BACON BACON BACON Bible BACON]]'' by His Greatness, the Almighty, Our Lord [[God|BACON]]. Some other well-known influential writers of BACONist literature include [[Charles Dickens]].
 
   
Excerpts from two well-known pieces of BACONist literature follows:
+
Excerpts from two well-known pieces of Baconist literature follows:
   
{{QNL|Okay, I need to tell you a story. I was going to the store yesterday and they had BACON, right? And I was all, 'I waaaant some'. And then this guy hit me, right? I was sad. So I said, 'how did you, I wanted BACON!!!' and he was all, 'no.' and then...I'm going to go cut myself.|from ''A Chronicle of [[Emo]]ness from the Deprivation of BACON Whilst Questing for Said BACON''}}
+
{{QNL|Okay, I need to tell you a story. I was going to the store yesterday and they had Bacon, right? And I was all, 'I waaaant some'. And then this guy hit me, right? I was sad. So I said, 'Why did you do that, I wanted Bacon!!!' and he was all, 'No.' and then I said, 'I'm going to go cut myself!'|from ''A Chronicle of [[Emo]]ness from the Deprivation of Bacon Whilst Questing for Said Bacon''}}
   
{{QNL|Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens BACON aus unruhigen BACON Träumen erwachte, fand er sich BACON in seinem Bett zu einem BACON ungeheueren Ungeziefer verwandelt. BACON. Er lag BACON auf seinem BACON panzerartig harten Rücken BACON und sah, wenn BACON er den Kopf (BACON) ein wenig hob, seinen gewölbten, braunen, BACON von bogenförmigen Versteifungen BACON geteilten Bauch, auf BACON dessen BACON Höhe BACON BACON sich die BACON Bettdecke, zum gänzlichen BACON Niedergleiten bereit, BACON kaum BACON noch BACON erhalten konnte. BACON! Seine BACON vielen, im BACON Vergleich zu BACON BACON BACON seinem BACON sonstigen BACON Umfang BACON kläglich dünnen Beine flimmerten BACON ihm hilflos vor den BACON BACON BACON BACON ICH LIEBE BACON!!!!! Augen.|from ''Die Verwandlung (The BACON Lung)'' by [[Franz Kafka|Franz Kafka BACON]]}}
+
{{QNL|Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens Bacon aus unruhigen Bacon Träumen erwachte, fand er sich Bacon in seinem Bett zu einem Bacon ungeheueren Ungeziefer verwandelt. Bacon. Er lag Bacon auf seinem Bacon panzerartig harten Rücken Bacon und sah, wenn Bacon er den Kopf (Bacon) ein wenig hob, seinen gewölbten, braunen, Bacon von bogenförmigen Versteifungen Bacon geteilten Bauch, auf Bacon dessen Bacon Höhe Bacon Bacon sich die Bacon Bettdecke, zum gänzlichen Bacon Niedergleiten bereit, Bacon kaum Bacon noch Bacon erhalten konnte. Bacon! Seine Bacon vielen, im Bacon Vergleich zu Bacon Bacon Bacon seinem Bacon sonstigen Bacon Umfang Bacon kläglich dünnen Beine flimmerten Bacon ihm hilflos vor den Bacon Bacon Bacon Bacon ICH LIEBE Bacon!!!!! Augen.|from ''Die Verwandlung (The Bacon Lung)'' by [[Franz Kafka|Franz Kafka Bacon]]}}
   
== Famous BACONists ==
+
[[File:A_lot_of_bacon.JPG|right|thumb|200px|Bacon sometimes comes in different '''flavors and colors'''.]]
   
*[[Richard Wagner|Richard BACON Wagner-BACON]]
+
==Did You Know? ==
*[[Albert Einstein|Albert BACONstein]]
+
*[[Pigs]] were created with the specific purpose of being made into Bacon.
*[[Napoleon|Napoleon BACONparte]]
+
*[[Britain|British]] scientists, using computers and sophisticated cooking technology, have created the perfect [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/west_yorkshire/6538643.stm Bacon sandwich.]
*[[Stephen Colbert|Stephen ColBACON]]
+
*It is impossible to overdose on Bacon.
*[[Macbeth|MacBACON, Thane of BACONdor, BACONis, and King of BACONland]]
+
*[[Vegetarians]] are Baconists.
*[[Lenin|Vladmir Ilyich]] (a.k.a. BAKIN)
+
*[[Muslim]]s and [[Jew]]s love Bacon too.
*[[Kevin Bacon|Kevin BACON]]
+
*[[Kevin Bacon]] did, in fact, change his last name to Bacon because he loves Bacon.
*[[Karl Marx]]
+
*Bacon is the official food of [[the Universe]].
+
*[[Kevin Bacon|This is the fourth]] link to Kevin Bacon on this page.
== Did You Know? ==
+
*There is a sixth link to [[Kevin Bacon]] in the table at the bottom of this page.
[[Image:Bacon sandwich.jpg|right|thumb|177px|The perfect BACON sandwich?]]
 
*[[Britain|British]] scientists, using computers and sophisticated cooking technology, have created the perfect [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/west_yorkshire/6538643.stm BACON sandwich.]
 
*It is impossible to overdose on BACON.
 
*[[Vegetarians]] are BACONists.
 
*[[Muslim]]s and [[Jew]]s love BACON too.
 
*[[Kevin Bacon|Kevin BACON]] did, in fact, change his last name to BACON because he loves BACON.
 
*BACON is the official food of [[the Universe]].
 
*This is the fifth link to [[Kevin Bacon|Kevin BACON]] on this page.
 
*[[Kevin Bacon|This is the sixth]].
 
*There is an eighth link to [[Kevin Bacon|Kevin BACON]] in the table at the bottom of this page.
 
*[[Pigs]] are made entirely out of BACON.
 
*There is no such thing as too much BACON.
 
   
 
== See Also ==
 
== See Also ==
   
 
*[[Police officer]]s
 
*[[Police officer]]s
+
*[[Butter]]
<center>{{Periodic table}}
+
*[[Corpsearian]]
<div style="clear:both;width:75%;" class="NavFrame">
 
<div class="NavHead" style="background: #070; color: #ffffff; padding: 4px;">'''Barmy British Stuff'''</div>
 
<div class="NavContent">
 
{| align="center" style="border: 1px solid #808080; background: #f0f0f0; text-align: left;"
 
|align="right" style="width:20%;"|'''Rule, Britannia''':
 
|style="font-size: 85%;"|[[Great Britain]] - [[Britain]] - [[Mediocre Britain]] - [[United Kingdom]] - [[England]] - [[Scotland]] - [[Wales]] - [[Northern Ireland]] - [[Jersey]] - [[Isle of Man]] - [[Bermuda]] - [[Falkland Islands|Some really remote and insignifigant place inhabited by sheep that Argentina would like to own]] - [[British Empire]]
 
|-
 
|align="right" nowrap|'''Language''':
 
|style="font-size: 85%;"|[[English]] – [[Old English]] – [[Quaint English accent]] - [[Welsh]] - [[Gaelic]] - [[Scots]] - [[Cockney]]
 
|-
 
|align="right"|'''Great Britons''':
 
|style="font-size: 85%;"|[[Boudica]] - [[Robin Hood]] - [[Geoffrey Chaucer]] - [[Blackadder]] - [[William Shakespeare]] - [[Oliver Cromwell]] - [[Horatio Nelson]] - [[Sherlock Holmes]] - [[Duke of Wellington]] - [[Neville Chamberlain]] - [[Winston Churchill]] - [[Margaret Thatcher]] - [[Elton John]] - [[Tony Blair]] - [[J. R. R. Tolkien]]
 
|-
 
|align="right"|'''Royalty''':
 
|style="font-size: 85%;"|[[British Line of Succession]] - [[King Arthur]] - [[Alfred the Great]] – [[Richard III]] – [[Henry VIII]] – [[Mary Queen of Scots]] - [[Queen Elizabeth|Elizabeth I]] - [[Charles I]] - [[George III]] - [[Queen Victoria]] - [[Queen Elizabeth II]] - [[Prince Charles]]
 
|-
 
|align="right"|'''BACON & Eggs''':
 
|style="font-size: 85%;"|[[BACON]] - [[Fish]] - [[Chips]] - [[Fish & chips|Fish & Chips]] - [[Bean]] - [[Beer]] - [[Tea]]
 
|-
 
|align="right"|'''[[British Humour]]''':
 
|style="font-size: 85%;"|[[Monty Python]] - [[John Cleese]] - [[Douglas Adams]] - [[Richard Curtis]] - [[Something completely different]]
 
|-
 
|align="right"|'''British Thought''':
 
|style="font-size: 85%;"|[[Sir Francis Bacon]] - [[John Locke]] - [[Isaac Newton]] - [[Charles Darwin]] - [[Bertrand Russell]] - [[Football hooliganism]] - [[Soccer]] - [[Rugby]] - [[Cricket]]
 
|-
 
|}</div></div></center>
 
 
{{BACON}}
 
{{BACON}}
   

Latest revision as of 11:19, November 29, 2013

Bacon

Sexy Bacon

Sexy Bacon
Scientific Information
Root: Ba
Symbol: \infty
Sign: sizzling
Type: pork
Mass: belly
Origin: pig
Significance: delicious
Properties:Bacon fat
Variations: Canadian Bacon
Related To: ham
“Eat me.”
~ Kevin Bacon on Bacon

Bacon is agreeably the sexiest substance ever created. It is a very versatile food, used in sandwiches, breakfast, and especially soda. Bacon, of course, is also the healthiest food known to man. It is delicious and nutritious, as well as good for the body, mind, and soul. It has been proven to significantly increase one's lifespan by twenty years, if not more, with virtually no negative side effects. It has even been shown to cure cancer. In fact, it's the only known steroid that does not decrease penis or testicle size. Instead, it increases both! As a result, doctors often prescribe Bacon pills or sometimes even all-Bacon diets to patients with heart disease, high blood pressure, obesity, and vitamin B (Bacon) deficiency. This makes Bacon the single-most common medicine doctors prescribe. Sometimes, doctors may also inject Bacon grease into patients who have high cholesterol to lubricate their clogged arteries. Even minor-injury patients are hooked up to IVs of liquid Bacon to help speed up their recovery. Bacon is the most important tier of the Food Octagon.

edit History of Bacon

Ilovebaconmg5

Sir Francis Bacon. Clearly, he loves Bacon.

First invented by Sir Francis Bacon to combat famine, Bacon lives true to its purpose as the primary weapon in the War on Hunger. In the early 1500s when Sir Francis Bacon, troubled by the lack of fat in people’s diets, decided to solve the problem by creating Bacon himself. He started with a pig and, using a series of chemical processes, he isolated several pounds of the new, awesome element he wanted: Bacon. With an infinite number of protons, neutrons, and electrons, Bacon was the first element in the Awesomnium series to be discovered by man. When Sir Francis Bacon released his research to public eye in 1523, people were amazed and stunned by the power and energy the new element exhibited. Some military commanders that were impressed even began to send their troops out clothed and armed with Bacon. This was, unfortunately, what made the crew of the U.S.S. Indianapolis so appealing to the sharks when the crew’s ship sank in the Pacific Ocean. Despite this grim event that occurred over 400 years later, Sir Francis Bacon quickly became famous for discovering the element, which would be named after him.

Isolated Bacon

Bacon in its natural state: Crispy.

To date, Bacon has fed billions of people around the world, many of whom develop such a fanatical love for the substance they change their last name to Bacon. This has led to the creation of Baconism, or the worship of all things Bacon. It has steadily been a growing phenomenon. Its followers love to savor Bacon its many forms. Baconists or sometimes Baconians, eat a diet consisting entirely of Bacon products; such as Bacon bread, Bacon smoothies (Bacon ground up in a blender), Bacon pie, Bacon in a Bottle, and even Kevin (on some occasions). Because of their vitamin B-rich diet, Baconists often have extremely long life spans and many develop superhuman strength.

edit Sizzling or Fizzling?

For short time after its inception, the field of Bacon had little progress in its research. Some tried to create new forms of Bacon by injecting poison and other chemicals into it, but this only succeeded in killing the scientists involved. There were also attempts to break down Bacon into other substances, but these, of course, failed. This period of trial and error went on for several hundred years, resulting in the death of many a dumbass, several of whom even won awards for their incredible stupidity. It wouldn't be until the 1700s (sometime between November 3, 1718 and April 30, 1792, to be precise) rolled around that a new breakthrough in Bacon technology would come.

edit The Bacon Sandwich

Bacon

You see this? It's not nearly enough Bacon for your sandwich.

Main Article: Sandwich. Or was it John Montagu? Both artices speak finely of sandwiches, so it probably doesn't really matter, anyways.

The year was 1718. The month was November. The day was the 307th (of the year). As the poor peasants living in Sandwich, England awoke, each one found there was a smell in the air, as if the day would be an important one. The smell, of course, turned out to be the sudden, unexpected release of a large underground supply of methane gas, which bears no relevance to the topic at hand. But, despite the unusual methane release, the simple peasants never suspected that this day would become one of the greatest in history (although they did suspect it would be a rather important day). It was that day, November 307, 1718 that the 4th Earl of Sandwich, John Earl Montagu the Great, was born.

John Earl Montagu became the single most important man in the Bacon Revolution (not to be confused with Bacon's Rebellion) when he was the first man to eat Bacon between two slices of bread. This Bacon sandwich, the wonderful invention Montague made the moment he assembled the beautiful creation and masterpiece would become a phenomenon the moment Montagu sank his teeth in, chewed, savored, swallowed, and gave the sandwich two thumbs up.

Meat6

Share it with the one you love.

Soon after that night when Montagu first ate his masterpiece, everyone was eating Bacon sandwiches, amazed. The level of brilliance required to create such a work of genius was totally unheard of, especially in an era of awful ideas such as Monarchy and Royalty. Thus, John Montagu became forever immortalized by his magnificent creation. Over time, the Bacon sandwich would lead to the creation of, amongst many things: the Bacon Bacon Bacon sandwich, a Bacon sandwich using Bacon instead of bread to house the Bacon interior, as well as the fabled Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905.

edit How to Make and Eat a Fried Bacon Sandwich

Of course, you cannot continue to read about Bacon, Bacon products, and Hamification for so long without having the urge to devour vast quantities of the very foodstuffs you are reading about. Thus, I shall instruct you on how to make a delicious and extremely healthy fried Bacon sandwich right now.

Bacon sandwich

The perfect Bacon sandwich!!!

  1. Obtain an insanely large amount of Bacon.
  2. Fry the insanely large amount of Bacon.
  3. Obtain an even larger amount Bacon.
  4. Fry the even larger amount of Bacon.
  5. Obtain two slices of bread.
  6. Fry the bread (make sure you fry both slices of bread instead of just frying one slice and forgetting about the other).
  7. Place the fried insanely large amount of Bacon on top of one of the fried bread slices.
  8. Place the fried even larger amount of Bacon on top.
  9. Place a slice fried bread on top (important: don't use the same slice you put all the Bacon on top of).
  10. Consume, taking small bites (so as not to choke), chewing, savoring the tasty flavor of the Bacon sandwich, and swallowing.

Note: It is important you follow all these steps in their exact, listed order so that you can enjoy a wonderful meal of a Bacon sandwich, as opposed to food poisoning.

edit How to Make and Eat a Fried Fried Bacon Bacon Sandwich

Repeat as above, except double the amount of fried Bacon, and after you are finished assembling the gargantuan sandwich, fry that as well. Really, it's that simple.

Once you have finished consuming your sandwiches, continue on.

edit Bacon Bits

Another breakthrough would come in the 1800s when a young inventor named Alfred Nobel was upset that Bacon could not be in every single dish and drink. The story goes that Nobel had stuffed Bacon into his milk during breakfast, but almost choked to death on the tasty strips as he drank the milk. He immediately began to wish there was a way he could enjoy Bacon-milk (not to be confused with the milk acquired from Bacon breasts) without choking on strips of Bacon. Once his mind started thinking, he couldn’t stop it. But, without anything to go on, Nobel’s problem could not be solved.

Dietcokewithbacon

Bacon adds deliciousness with half the calories.

Thus, the problem went on for years, during which he often choked on Bacon when he drank his milk, until finally, he reached a realization. Using his other invention, dynamite, Nobel rigged a package of cooked Bacon to a detonator and blew it up. Quickly, Nobel took the product of the first experiment and sprinkled it into a glass of milk, which he immediately drank. Nobel did not choke. He was astonished. Letting no time go to waste, Alfred Nobel patented his invention of exploded Bacon, calling it "Bacon bits". This creation would make Nobel his fortune of billions, enabling the establishment of the Nobel Prizes in the fields of peace, literature, physics, chemistry, medicine, economics, and Bacon. But, more importantly, the invention would lead to Bacon soda, as well as soda with Bacon.

edit The Discovery of Hamification

In 1938, scientists experimenting with samples of Bacon stumbled upon very startling results. Two Bacon samples placed in a very cold freezer had been replaced by a substance known as ham. Startled and shocked, the scientists could find no logical explanation for this other than sabotage. Naturally, they blamed the Jews and shot all of the Jewish scientists involved in the experiment. The remaining scientists then repeated their experiment. The Bacon had yet again been replaced by ham. Several of the scientists, angry and paranoid, shot any scientist they even remotely suspected of being Jewish. For a third time the experiment was repeated. But this time, the freezer was surrounded by motion-sensor machine guns to shoot any potential saboteur. Finally confident that no one could have tampered with the results, the scientists returned to observe the Bacon. Here are their conclusions:

Kevin bacon 01

The sexiest form of Bacon.

Cquote1 Although typically stable at room temperature and even refrigerator temperature, at temperatures below -13°C Bacon becomes rather unstable and begins to go through a process commonly known as Hamification. Through this process, Bacon begins to turn into the substance called "ham" or even into whole pigs.* Cquote2
* Pigs were an unknown animal until the scientists accidentally made one from Hamification. Now, Hamification is used to mass-produce the world's supply of pigs, which are cut up into more Bacon.

edit Historical Influence

In the history of the world, Bacon has had great influence, some of which is unknown to the public. For instance, World War I was not, as many believe, the result of some Serbian asshole named Gavrilo Princip shooting the Archduke of Austria-Hungary, Franz Ferdinand. Well, actually, it was, but the reason why Princip shot the Archduke was... Well, actually, the reason wasn't at all Bacon-related, but that’s not the point. Everyone got involved in the war because... well, the alliance system for one, but also because each country was suffering a great Bacon shortage. Yes. Bacon production had dropped by 50% worldwide in the year 1913. This had already resulted in the deaths of millions, so Europe was in turmoil, fighting for Bacon, as well as the body of Archduke Franz Ferdinand (he was sexy).

edit Russian Revolution

Mussolini bacon lasereyes

Benito Mussolini uses his evil Fascist powers to try and destroy Bacon. The plan backfired.

For the Russian Empire, though, the Bacon shortage was much more severe. In the Russian winter, no Bacon shipments could get through from other countries to aid the dying people. The entire population of Bacon shrubs had perished as well. Millions were dying. Finally, in 1917, the Russians got fed up with their incompetent ruler, Tsar (sometimes even Czar or Tzar, but almost Csar) Nicholas II. A mob of angry Russian peasants forced Nicholas II to abdicate his throne and create a provisional government in March. But the Baconsheviks, a radical Marxist group that didn’t trust the government, were preparing a revolution to ensure everyone got Bacon. In October, they launched their plan and marched upon the capital, toppling the government and taking control. A totally awesome dictatorship of the Baconroletariat was established and Bacon was given to all.

Unfortunately, this did not last long. The evil Baconshevik Joseph "I Hate Bacon" Stalin seized control of the dictatorship and effectively ended the free Bacon distribution, handing out anti-Bacon propaganda. He outlawed the sale, use, and possession of anything related to Bacon, including police officers. Anyone who opposed his anti-Bacon policies became an unperson. Soon, this time period where Baconists were persecuted would become known as the Great Purge. It is estimated that during Stalin’s reign, over 50 million people died from anti-Baconism-related causes.

edit Fascist Italy

Like Stalin, Benito Mussolini was also terrible, despite the fact he has a funny name. As the fascist dictator of Italy, he outlawed everything awesome: stuff like political parties, criticizing the government, suffrage, and Bacon. This soon earned Mussolini the nickname Il Douche, or "the Douchebag" in English. He ran an extremely corrupted anti-Bacon armament until a pro-Bacon communist mob gave him a pair of cement shoes as a belated birthday present.

BACONist-manifesto-lg

A classic piece of Baconist (Baconic) literature.

edit Baconic Literature

Over time, a great amount of short stories, poems, and even entire novels have been written solely for Bacon and its awesomeness. Most of these writers, of course, are Baconists. Some of the most famous literature ever written has been written out of love for Bacon, including such great books as Lord of the Bacon by William Baconing, Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell (a.k.a. Eric Bacon), To Feed a Mockingbird Some Rashers and Such by Harper Bacon, and The Bacon Bacon Bacon Bible Bacon by His Greatness, the Almighty, Our Lord Bacon. Some other well-known influential writers of Baconist literature include Charles Dickens.

Excerpts from two well-known pieces of Baconist literature follows:

“Okay, I need to tell you a story. I was going to the store yesterday and they had Bacon, right? And I was all, 'I waaaant some'. And then this guy hit me, right? I was sad. So I said, 'Why did you do that, I wanted Bacon!!!' and he was all, 'No.' and then I said, 'I'm going to go cut myself!'”
~ from A Chronicle of Emoness from the Deprivation of Bacon Whilst Questing for Said Bacon
“Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens Bacon aus unruhigen Bacon Träumen erwachte, fand er sich Bacon in seinem Bett zu einem Bacon ungeheueren Ungeziefer verwandelt. Bacon. Er lag Bacon auf seinem Bacon panzerartig harten Rücken Bacon und sah, wenn Bacon er den Kopf (Bacon) ein wenig hob, seinen gewölbten, braunen, Bacon von bogenförmigen Versteifungen Bacon geteilten Bauch, auf Bacon dessen Bacon Höhe Bacon Bacon sich die Bacon Bettdecke, zum gänzlichen Bacon Niedergleiten bereit, Bacon kaum Bacon noch Bacon erhalten konnte. Bacon! Seine Bacon vielen, im Bacon Vergleich zu Bacon Bacon Bacon seinem Bacon sonstigen Bacon Umfang Bacon kläglich dünnen Beine flimmerten Bacon ihm hilflos vor den Bacon Bacon Bacon Bacon ICH LIEBE Bacon!!!!! Augen.”
~ from Die Verwandlung (The Bacon Lung) by Franz Kafka Bacon
A lot of bacon

Bacon sometimes comes in different flavors and colors.

edit Did You Know?

  • Pigs were created with the specific purpose of being made into Bacon.
  • British scientists, using computers and sophisticated cooking technology, have created the perfect Bacon sandwich.
  • It is impossible to overdose on Bacon.
  • Vegetarians are Baconists.
  • Muslims and Jews love Bacon too.
  • Kevin Bacon did, in fact, change his last name to Bacon because he loves Bacon.
  • Bacon is the official food of the Universe.
  • This is the fourth link to Kevin Bacon on this page.
  • There is a sixth link to Kevin Bacon in the table at the bottom of this page.

edit See Also


BaconBrothers
   v  d  e
Bacon Products
Bacon | Bacon fat | Bacon Shrub | Choco-Butter-Cheez-Bac'n Pops | Pork Products | Pigs
People Named Bacon
Richard Bacon | Kevin Bacon
All things Bacon
Bacon's Rebellion | Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 | BLT
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