Great Emmett Boyle! You're reading the Back To The Future page, it's my latest muhhhhhhh, and it's pretty heavy because this is the big muhhhhhh, the page I have been waiting to create all my muhhhhhh. Let me show you how this page muhhhhhs. First you turn the muhhhhh on, you then enter with your keyboard the exact co-ordinates required to find this page: muhhhhhhh, or say you wanna check out something else, like squinty eyes, you just type in: www.riceman.com, or if you wanna witness the birth of Christ; click this temporal displacement link but come back here when you're done. Now, down to muhhhhh.
I first had the idea to make this page on November 5th, 1955. I remember it vividly, I was standing on the edge of my toilet, the porcelain was wet, I slipped and hit my head and when I came to, I had a vision, about this, this page that you are reading now! Since the vision it's taken my entire life's work to make this page. My god, has it been that long? Boy, things have certainly changed around here, I remember when Old Man Peabody owned all of this, he had this crazy idea of running something called Napster.
Dane Roken, an assasin from the future, chased me through many canals and rivers. I managed to escape long enough to tell on him and he ended up blowing the world up with his psychic powers. So, now that you are here, and we've gotten to know each other a little better, I must bid some of you goodbye. As this page will only contain information for time-travelers from the future, otherwise it will be as hard to read as a schematic diagram pointing out the pitfalls and possibilities of time machines but leaving many of you as confused as reading a map to find the female g-spot.
So, goodbye to all you present non-time travelers. And let's begin our guide to current future time travelers, who need a way to get Back To The Future.
- Note: If you are from the past looking to go home, you're in the wrong class, please also exit the page and read the Future To The Past handbook.
Welcome To The Past
- You are currently in the year 2014. Welcome. I know it is a bit of shock to find that the present times do not have flying motorized vehicles or Pepsi Perfect to drink, but that is just something you will have to deal with, as they will not be invented until the future gets around to playing-out 2015.
- You may also have noticed that Stephen Spielberg has not made a dozen Jaws movies yet either, but don't worry, with new CGI technology currently in the making, it will only be a matter of 987 days from now before he releases his new one.
In the meantime, while you wait, take in the wonderful sites of the world, as many as you can, and enjoy your stay. However DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT try to make contact with yourself or any members of your family. The consequences of which could be so disastrous that it could cause a break in the space-time-continuum and destroy the entire universe. Or in the worse (or sometimes best) case scenario, you might have to take your own mother out on a date and take advantage of her. And please, do not email sports results to yourself as it can backfire drastically, resulting in a penalty of fading out of existence.
You may also be happy to know that President Obama has not invented Skynet yet, and that the planet is not over-ruled by robotic endo-skeletons trying to kill you. This will not happen until 2023, so feel free to visit any nude beaches you wish.
Requirements for going Back To The Future
Now, you have already arrived in the past (here) and have followed explicit instruction to not come here without a fresh pair of cotton underwear & a time-machine equipped with the latest Mr. Fusion gadget. If you have not equipped your time-machine with a Mr. Fusion unit, then I am afraid you are stuck here. Mr. Fusion powers the flux-capacitor and the time circuits which make time travel possible. If you didn't install one, then your only chance of getting back is to find a case of Nuclear Plutonium, which will not be readily available in every corner drug store until 2022. Your only other choice to get back is a bolt of lightning harnessed into a connecting pole and hook inserted into the time-machine module input 21b, and channel the 1.21 giggawatts of electricity needed to get you home again. Unfortunately, you never know when or where lightning is going to strike. So if you didn't bring Mr. Fusion with you, well... basically, you're screwed.
Refueling Mr. Fusion
Just find any source of mineral depository you can find. Good sources for fuel are soda cans, soda, and banana peels. Remember to fuel up your Mr. Fusion tank before departure, and fly safely back to the future.
As long as your Flux Capacitor remains fluxing, you will be in safe hands. Sometimes the Flux Capacitor has been known to short-out the electrical system of your time vehicle. But do not panic, all you need to do is headbutt the steering wheel of your vehicle, and it will function 100% perfectly once again, and will also give the vehicle a 245% speed boost so you can make your destination, just 45 seconds later then planned.
Always remember where you parked your time machine. Lock the doors, and make sure no one else can see the car in broad-daylight, especially if you are traveling in any vehicle made after 2015.
There have been known cases of people stealing time machines and using them for their own personal gain. So please, trusted time-travelmen, do not leave your time-machines unlocked or parked on suburban streets.
Planning Your Return
At least three days prior to your return to the future, please make a model layout of the place you will traveling back to. It is not important to scale, decorate or paint your model, but do have a fire extinguisher on stand-by.
Returning To The Future
Make sure you wash your hands and brush your teeth before you go back to the future, and check into customs upon your arrivals to check in any duty-free gifts and fruits you may be carrying. And please, do not try to smuggle in copies of Family Guy DVD Bootlegs. It is vitally important to do all of this, as fruit flies are a real menace, and we don't want what happened in the big one of 2017 during the Family Guy Bloodshed Copyright Piracy War.
Q&A From Our Time Travelers
Q: Will my Hover-board work on water in the present time?
- A: No! Just like in your own time, it will not work on water unless you have power.
Q: I'm stuck here without a Mr. Fusion. I found a nice man with a towel on his head who will sell me the plutonium I need to get back to the year 2043. But I think $20,000 is a lot to ask Is it's street value really worth that much?
- A: It's a bargain! See if he can sell you cheap gasoline while you're at it, it currently costs more than the Plutonium does.
Q: My boyfriend and I are honeymooning here for our 21st anniversary. Do you know something special we could do while we're here?
- A: Check out "The Honeymooners" DVD, there is a great episode in this kitschy 2-D visual where Ralph dresses up as a man from space!
Q: What is the best Video Game here in 2014?
- A: Wild Gunman
Q: Hey, Butthead! Why don't you make like a tree, and get me some T.P for my bunghole.
- A: Darn You, Beavis Tannen.
Q: I am stuck 30 years before my current time! I forgot to bring extra plutonium, what do I do?
- A: Contact the local mad scientist, and wait near the clocktower at exactly 10:04 PM.
Well, I Guess That's Everything
Thank you for visiting the year 2014. We hope you enjoyed your stay, and look forward to seeing you again soon.
So I bid you adieu, and when you get back to the future, look me up. I want you to know that the past few sentences have really meant something to me, you have given me hope that I will succeed, succeed with this page! You will always have a special place in my heart.
Your friend in time
- Doc Rivers M Charlie Brown
See you in the past, err future, EXACTLY.... whatever.