The Baby Throwing Foundation of America (BFTA) is a recent progression in the Baby Throwing World.
“Moses was thrown into the Nile by accident, God-dammit!”
“Ugh...Thems babies almost given me the runs!!!”
“Fuck you, jive ass hoe! Ain't nobody throwing me!”
“A baby saved is a baby only useful for dead baby jokes.”
“In Soviet Russia, BABY throws YOU!!!”
“That doesn't make sense.”
The Baby Throwing Foundation of America was originally founded, on the supreme belief that babies should be thrown, by Mahatma Gandhi. In times where Gandhi just wanted to hit something but couldn’t, he threw babies against walls yelling, “I HATE BABIES!”
We would also like to add that none of the members of this group are liable for any babies stolen or damaged during the act of throwing them. We also do not condone the throwing of babies by nonmembers. Or the stuffing of dynamite into babies and the putting of the babies into the bellies of whales and the dropping of the whales on small coastal villages and/or townships. (by those not properly trained)
Babies are also tasty once they have been thrown but may contain high amounts of cholesterol. So be advised. Or not, that choice is yours.
Unbeknownst to many but knownst to us, there were many other and more covert Baby Throwing Organizations over the years. Take the free masons, for example. Actually, don’t take them as an example, because we can’t prove anything. But…there were some members who enjoyed an occasional baby romping and/or stomping. Or throwing, tossing, kicking, stabbing, blowing up, etc. Or whatever the fuck you want to fucking do.
Over the centuries, baby throwing has evolved into other more socially acceptable pastimes. There include but are not limited to; midget throwing, midget tossing, midget kicking, midget stabbing, midget blowing up, and football. See Brett Favre
But this group wants to get back to basics. Just plain throwing babies. In order to counteract (add to) the violence of modern day video games, we throw babies at walls and sometimes we toss bobcats into random child care facilities which gives everyone a good laugh and lifts spirits. Also, the throwing of dead babies is strictly prohibited. Unconscious babies are fine though.
We also can solve many political arguments. “Many” as in one main one. Abortion. We are strictly against the killing unborn fetuses…before they are born, that is. In fact every one in four babies are randomly selected to grow up in a loving BTFA society of equal opportunities…unless you are a baby.
Of course, your next question will be how we put up with the people that think baby throwing is wrong and immoral. Actually, the answer is quite simple. We throw babies at their fucking faces.
“What do we do with all the baby shits, you ask?” Well the answer is quite simple, Jeff. We light them on fire and put them on people’s doorsteps. Oh no Jake, not the shits, the babies. And for larger problems, we stuff whales full of babies and drop them on PETA conventions or whichever extremist radical group is on our asses.
Also, toddlers are strictly prohibited. Once the babies have grown enough hair, they are considered “not babies” or perhaps toddlers or something to that effect. And the throwing of Elves is frowned upon, but not prohibited.
- Stuffing Babies with dynamite
- Stuffing whales with stuffed babies
- Dropping those whales on small villages
- Throwing bobcats into childcare facilities
- Watching Brett Favre tear the babies' limbs off
- One activity, though possibly more controversial than others (like we care) involves babies dropped from airplanes into the mouths of waltzing whales. It would be kind of like a vaudeville reenactment of World War Two; of course, we would have to reincarnate Groucho Marx.
For those who are baby impaired and can not come up with babies to throw...
We have a baby delivery system for those people who just can't get a hold of a baby. Say someone is sitting in his/her living room, and he/she is all like "Dang, mans, I gots to throws some babies." But when he/she looks around he/she is all like "Ah holy craps, doods, poop-snapples I don't gots nones." So he/she calls up our toll-not-free number and orders 70 babies to throw, or he or she could go to website and be all like "look at me, I'm going crazy with the online orders. Get me some babies, skeet, yeah." This entails a way to freeze dry and shrink the babies for optimum storage and delivery and then when you add water it expands and comes to life.
- Please note that the phrase "Skeet, Yeah" is entirely optional. Or is it?
- Also, we have been told we should have a baby throwing hot line for people who just don't understand the idea/point of throwing babies, or for the more dedicated throwers who need help troubleshooting baby throwing related problems.
What to do with those umbilical cords?
If you're like the Native Americans and like to utilize every aspect of your kill, there are numerous ways to use the umbilical cord that accompanies nearly every baby (almost 95%) that comes out of a womb.
First, you could use the babies with their umbilical cords as tether balls, and since the baby would be constantly accelerating in circular motion, the baby would technically constantly be being thrown, causing an endless amount of amusement.
Or, for those practical people, you could turn the babies into bolas (you know, those one things that the South American gauchos swing over their heads to trip their prey as they ride on horses). That way you can use the babies themselves to catch bobcats for more baby-throwing past times, conserving the precious metal and other resources previously used for catching the bobcats.
Other suggestions have also included a race study to see what race of baby produces the best effect when thrown against a wall. Criteria - splatter area, sound, reaction (of audience and baby), resistance, ability to be be thrown again, and knowledge of aerospace engineering.
Join the BTFA facebook group and start throwing babies today!