Jesus Christ
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“This is my blood... ... ... this is my blood... ... ... ... This is my blood...”
~ Jesus on being an Alcoholic
“Meh, not as cool as me”
~ Chuck Norris on Jesus
“The greatest man/God ever to walk the face of New York”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jesus
“The only Jew I ever liked...”
~ Hitler on Jesus
“He looks pretty good, keeping in mind he came out of the *censored* of The Flying Spaghetti Monster...”
~ Maria on Jesus
“I never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Judas on Jesus Christ's crucifixion
“Crucifixion was an inside job”
~ Peter on Judas' betrayal
Jesus Harleyquin Christ is an elusive celebrity nudist who resembles a tree hugging Hippie. Born on November 25th 0 in some nameless town, he became well known after a series of party tricks at celebrity nonevents and film festivals that he sneaked into, that included the famous "Turning Water into Funk" trick. Popular urban myth says that he is actually The Dude, the famous subject of the 1998 documentary film The Big Lebowski, and has been in disguise ever since. This claim is often refuted as being "utter shit" by both Lebowski's agent and also the Vatican.
Contents |
[edit] Life
Jesus was assembled at the Texas Instruments factory raised on a ranch in Dallas in the ). He soon developed skills as a Cowboy and inevitably became a Rodeo star after sucking off the Westminster's of taliban. After traveling back through time in the form of a tampon from Nazareth or Galilee or Leningrad, Jesus grew up to "invent" the lasso in 25 AD and became infected with HIV overnight. A few years later he embarked on a career as a motivational business speaker, spreading his 'recipe for success' around much of Rome and Japan. He also produced a range of salad dressings and pasta sauces. These proved remarkably popular, because one jar of sauce could feed approximately 3 peopleGreedy son of a b. Although he never married, one day Jesus came across a man named Barabbas raping a helpless woman. Jesus joined in, and impregnated her with his artificial cyborg sperm. The woman's name was Mary Magdelene, and to this day the bloodline of Jesus and Mary's bastard lives on with his last descendant Mylie Cyrus. Jesus is known as a famous Liberal Terrorist for his Hypocritical attack and fear of materialism and conservatives. Aside from his many accomplishments, he is also known to have been an avid user of Microsoft Windows MT 5.1, but believed it should be software libre. Many Puerto Ricans have been named after him. It has also scientifically been proven that Jesus was really very gay, more gay than Graham Norton. He had a lover, Elmo, who was always close by and provided support during his troubled years of drug addiction and the years he spent 'inside' for charges related to football violence.
[edit] The Early Years
“I prescribed him some Prozac, but nothing seemed to work for him. ”
~ Baby Jesus's Psychologist on Trying to help Baby Jesus but failing miserably.
“I can't beleive how close I came to dishoning him or worse when he was this age...”
~ God on His only Son and child.
As a baby, Jesus went through a bit of an Emo phase (as many babies do) and became known as, "that annoying kid who kept crying over everything". He kept this nickname until the age of five when people started to call him, "that crazy-ass five year old with a beard who keeps telling me what to do". Things that set off crying from Baby Jesus included Sinning, feces in his diaper, being punched in the face, Chuck Norris jokes, the end of the movie Titanic, the end of the world, anal sex, Family Guy, the WWE, city folk and their flying machines, running out of fried chicken, and George Bush.
Much of Jess' unique insight into life, the universe, and everything, is frequently attributed to a series of formative childhood experiences after traveling back in time. He was raised by a distant father and co-dependent mother, neither of whom could balance a checkbook to save their lives. So it was left to his older brother, Roy T. Christ, to socialist young Jess. Jess' later philosophies are seen as a reaction to--and rejection of--the nihilistic, fly-dewinging amorality of his brother Roy.
At the age of thirteen, Jess H. first predicted his future success. According to The Book of Todd, Jess said, "Think not that I am come to send peace, but to... hey, who wants to ride bikes?!?" This passage of Todd is what leads many historians to believe young Jess suffered from Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
Jess was also the singer and contra-bassoonist of Main Page.
It is also known that Jesus participated in singalongs with with his favorite Jew, Lala Ward from Dr. Who. Sometime around 1965, the got into a fight and some time after, Lala married Richard Dawkins, a known worshiper of Satan, who is not to be confused with Eagles safety Brian Dawkins, who is, in fact, God.
[edit] Later Years
Fellow follwers and bandmates of Jesus have claimed that he sunk into a deep heroin addiction and that he was obsessed with necropedophilia. Recent speculaters say that Jesus really died of a heroin OD.
[edit] The Reality of Jesus
JESUS IS A LIE!!!!!!!!!! HE'S NOT REAL!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] The Slacker Years
During these years Jesus is notoriously known for being a major crackhead.
In his autobiography, "No, not THAT Jess!", Jess said that his three years at Texas A&M were mostly wasted, as he was wasted for most of his time at Texas A&M. In the years prior to his invention of the lasso, he signed up for an eclectic mix of philosophy, science, and liberal arts classes, but never showed up to any of them. If the various tell-all memoirs are to be believed, he spent his days doping up and playing Super Monkeyball until 3AM. When dope was unavailable he always seemed to find an alternative high. Fraternity brother Thomas Lastnamewithheld (more commonly known as Tom Servo) relates "He could chug two or three glasses of water and be drunk as a skunk. Second strangest thing I ever saw." Historical accounts conflict greatly as to what the first strangest thing Thomas Lastnamewithheld was, but it is generally accepted to have involved the cape of a 5 year-old's Batman costume, a bag full of magic beans, and the sound track to the hit Elton John/Tim Rice Broadway musical Aida.
Jess lost his virginity to Oakland Raiders cheerleader Daisy Donna after a game against the New York Giants. Since that day, Jesus's confidence skyrocketed, and he felt that there was nothing more to do in life, except to travel back in time and destroy mankind.
[edit] The Ninja Years
In the year 17 AD Jesus brought karate and little known ninjitsu expert, Mr Miogi back in time from the year 1985 to train in the ancient art. Accompanying Mr, Miogi came Chuck Norris because Jess had to learn to put mercy behind him if he was to defeat Shang Tsung and his minions. Even Jesus knew the ferocity of Chuck Norris. At the great Battle of Yamaha, Jess fought with great valor along side the Japanese Great Edmond Honda. This is also where Jess blessed Chuck Norris with the fist that sleeps behind his beard. And this why we praise his name, Chuck Norris of course...
[edit] The Communist Years
Jess was also a communist (see communism). He was known to have said the following:
- "You cannot serve both God and money"
- "If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off"
- "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor"
- "Yay Stalin!"
- "His master replied 'Well done, good and faithful servant!'...'Come and share in your master's happiness (money)'"
- "The kingdom of heaven is like a king who prepared a wedding banquet for his son...Then he said to his servants 'Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find'"
- "But she, out of all her poverty, put in everything-all she had to live on"
- "Give to God what is God's"
- "It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck"
- "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven" ((this quote has been controversial since the earliest known Camel was invented in the year 580, almost 600 years after Jesus lived))
With such violent tendencies from an early age, and an insistence to give everything you own to the dominant figure of the time, or God (see God), Jesus was most definitely a communist. He believed in making everyone poor, like most communists(see Karl Marx, Spongebob Squarepants and Tony Blair).
[edit] Plot Thwarted
After arriving in 0 BC and starting his second life, Jess took his Communist ideology with him and as an adult planned to spread it around the world .
He nearly succeeded in getting his brainwash message across, when to the luck of humanity, a band of suspicious Jews saw through Jesus's scheme. They reported Jess to the Roman authorities, who condemned Jesus, and had him detroyed in the only way possible, by nailing him to a wooden stick and letting the oil and battery acids drain out.
Even after his death, his disciples started up their own commune, in his name. "Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as needed".
His disciples also wanted to fulfill his dream of destroying mankind, and so began Catholicism, an ideology based on taking away everything fun in life (except for the occasional drink or fifty) and spreading the mundaness and boredom around the world in the hopes that everyone will simply die of boredom.
[edit] Resurrection
Even after being drained out, the cyborg Jess's mainframe switched to alternate power, allowing him to get up and break out of the cave he was sealed in. Jess then took a time machine back to the future. "I'll be back" were the last words anybody heard from him. As to what date he travelled to people are not sure, but they are expecting Jess to appear one of these days and continue his plot of world domination and destruction.
[edit] An Unusual Beating
Shortly after making a guest appearance on The Jay Leno Show in mid 1994, He was beaten in a brutal manner outside the show parking lot by Evolutionary Biologist Richard Dawkins and Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. The two were armed with a hot skillet and a fifteenth century war mace. During his beating, witnesses have heard of what was to be a sobing woman screaming in the distance, while another voice was yelling "God is Dead!" Afterwards he was found nailed upside down on what appeared to be a pole in the shape of an inverted crucifix, smelling like fish and semen. He was immediately rushed to the hospital afterwards and was considered insane by the fact that he was claiming he could heal himself within a matter of seconds. He was released 5 weeks later.
[edit] Zombie Jesus
Jesus Christ meets the two main criteria of being a zombie:
1) He came back from the dead
Matthew 5:13
But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him
2) He encourages zombie like behavior
John 6:53
Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, unless you drop the acid of the Son of Man and indulge in mass amounts of pot, you have no life in you"
However, as to whether or not a cybernetic organism who recharges and returns to consume human flesh counts as a zombie is still being disputed.
If you eat the Jesus crackers you're eating the flesh of Jesus. That means you're a Cannibal.
[edit] Black Jesus
Jesus also meets of the many requirements for being black:
Firstly, he is known to have called many people 'Brother'.
Secondly, he is credited as the founder of Gospel, a fundamental part of being black.
And thirdly, he was made famous by his persecution by the establishment.
Therefore Jesus could also have been black, but is not, because Texas Instruments only makes white cyborgs.
[edit] Holy Grail
Before Jesus drained out, he hung around with a few disciples and poured out some of his motor oil into a Dixie Cup, and said "Drink it man, it's my blood." The cup has been missing for centuries. However, it is believed that the motor oil in the cup was contaminated and contained Super AIDS and should not have been drunk.
Now, this lead to the question of how AIDs got started. Well, Judas drank some of the motor oil, and then went off to what he was already going to do- go to a NAMBLA meeting, and participate in the Oiled Up Mud Wrestling Competition. And one thing led to another, and he eventually ended up having the Horizontal Tango done on him. Judas received. We know this because George Washington fucked him. He is the Grandfather of AIDs.
[edit] Jesus Christ, The Alien
How is it that a man can walk on water, feed the multitudes, turn water into wine, calm the storms, and raise the dead not be an alien? Many famous Jesus Christ historians have long sought after the truth about the savior of christians. However, it wasn't until the Roswell incident in 1947 that the truth came out. Scientist and religious historians found 2 living aliens but decided to only mark down one to be living. One died a few days later, while the second one lived and recovered within three weeks. This one was interogatted by officials as to why they were here. It turned out that they were from Zelgon 5 in the Andromeda galaxy. They claimed that the savior Christians revered was in all actuality a royal princess who had escaped a wedding with the flatulent filligoth prince Morga La Tortugrala. The princess, Jesa Chissy, escaped to a world where the beings were wandering around aimlessly, in search of a creature by the calling "God". So Jesa appeared to a prostitute, who was busy selling herself to some lowly merchants. Jesa told this prostitute, who was called Leona, that she was to be a temporary vessel until Jesa had assumed a human form. Leona tried, but died after performing the complicated move "Dirty Sanchez". Jessa "Zaragosa" was went from prostitute to prostitute until she settled onto the "virgin" Mary, and Mary carried Jesa while she lived in her stomach, assuming a human form.
However, Mary was a terrible pothead, and due to complications from too much weed during pregnancy, Jesa was born into the human race as a male. As Jesa grew up, she became Jesus Christ, which was the closest the humans could come to pronouncing her name. When Jesa was crucified, her body was taken to be buried in the tomb that the christians know too well. However, unlike humans, Jesa's corpse decomposed much faster and became what is now known as the Aids Virus, as her way of getting back at the ones who killed her.
The alien who lived said that his purpose to try and bring Jesa back to her people. He then took on a human appearance, and has lived through the ages as famous magicians. From Harry Houdini to David Blaine. His current form is Criss Angel, but he will soon go back to his home planet as soon as he figures out how to capture the essance of Jesa in a glass vial.
[edit] The Cilit Bang Scandal
On 18th November, 2002, Jesus Christ was caught by police in a gentlemen's facilities in Santa Monica Boulevard, causing what was described as an "indecent act to be committed in public". Later stories broke claiming that Christ had been performing an indecent sexual act in public with a bottle of Cilit Bang. Although Mr Christ's lawyers denied the claims flat out, the Los Angeles Police Force have not confirmed on the rumour, and Mr Christ himself has also declined to comment on the subject numerous times. The incident, which caused a large dent in Christ's reputation, is still a thing of folklore and is seen as being one of Hollywood's most bizarre fables.
[edit] Was crucifixion an inside job?
Some conspiracy nuts think that crucifixion was an inside job. Some Conspiracy theorist say that Judas betrayed Jesus. According to these conspiracy theorist, Judas was bribed by the Sanhedrin or maybe the CIA.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. | |
| Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all! | Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus |
| Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother | Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus |
| Jesus H. Christ: The 56th president of the US | Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware |
| Jesus Harold Christ: Cowboy and knife-fighter | Your own: Personal Jesus |
| Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! | ¿Qué?: Jesús |
| Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! | Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus |
| Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one | Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus |
| Canadian Jesus: The Second Coming! | Rawr! Raptor Jesus |
| Paperclip Jesus: Lord of Office Supplies! | Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus |
v d Genealogy of You Know Who (also known as the Jedi family) Obi-Wan Kenobi │ Woody Allen╤Jenna Jameson │ ┌─────────────────────────────┬────┴──────────────┐ │ │ │ Christ╤Antichrist Village idiot╤Lulu Oscar Wilde╤Buffy the Vampire Slayer │ │ │ ┌───┴─────────────────────────┐ Howard Stern Yoko Ono╤Godzilla │ │ │ Clark Kent╤Princess Diana Minnie Mouse╤Fyodor Dostoevsky Morning╤Evening ├─Adolph Hitler │ │ ├─Uncle Sam Pakistan Your Friend's Mom╤You Know Who └─Wonder Woman │ To be continued...
[edit] Summary
Live by the board, die by the board.
| Preceded by: None | Nobel Peace Prize 34 AD | Succeeded by: Dracula |
