Baby's First Woolly Mammoth
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Nascor Toystm presents Baby's First Woolly Mammoth. Top quality toys you can trust from the same Nascor Toystm that has been thinning the population since 1914. Nascor Toystm, "If it's not deadly, it's not fun."|
When you first look at your newborn baby, your first thought will no doubt be what you were thinking that night nine months ago. Your second thought, however, could be more along the lines of what kind of toys do they make these days that are educational, affordable, and guaranteed to last longer than a human infant of equal weight should both collide at high speeds?
Set those concerns aside. There is at least one company that still puts the whims of your child before national security and the ecosystem. We aren't talking about mass-produced cubes with alphabetical and numeric symbolisms and perhaps crude representations of domesticated livestock printed on the sides. No, when we say educational toys, we mean you should probably have a doctorate or two before even touching these things (but of course aren't afraid to give them to sucklings anyway).
What manner of perfect toy is this then, that will bump your child into the advanced daycare, turn "progeny" into "prodigy", and making their peers seem like drooling infants? And what toy offers so much while costing a pittance at no more than $600,000 (USD≈ €440,000 £380,000 ¥48,480,000)?
We are, of course, speaking only of Nascor Toystm Baby's First Woolly Mammoth (by Nascor Toystm).
Breakthrough technology in cryobiology and genome-mapping have allowed our geneticists to extract preserved Mammuthus primigenius epithelium for utilization in somatic cell nuclear transfer. No minute endeavor, while the arctic presents non-lithified specimens, immaculate deoxyribonucleic acid is sporadic as the subthermal climactic median causes intracellular crystalline formation, breaking down the polymerized nucleotides of the macromolecules.
If you could follow the point of the proceeding paragraph without your brain stumbling around like a drunk, congratulations, despite its best efforts, the modern educational system has not managed to fail you. If not… well, our marketing team advises us not to insult our customers. Let's just say either way, you ought to realize how important it is to provide your baby with an early start before the parental neglect, educator apathy, and peer pressure initiate the mental degradation phase of their development.
From Ice Age to Assuage
While some young children may fondly cling to a teddy bear, or some other moldy bacteria trap, wouldn't you rather see your precious curled up within the warm tummy hairs of Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm?
Contrary to popular misconceptions, further perpetuated by stupid movies, woolly mammoths are not actually too enormous to keep in your typical suburban homestead. Additionally, Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm is cloned from Wrangle Island mammoths, meaning it will only attain a maximum height of 2.3 m (7.5 ft).
Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm is surprisingly easy to care for, just provide it with about 400 kg (880 lbs) of vegetation per day and keep a heavy duty wheelbarrow and shovel on hand for composting.
While Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm will surely provide fun while into toddlerhood, if you truly love your child or need to buy their affection away from your baby's other parent, you may wish to consider investing in some of these additional offers available from Nascor Toystm.
- Mammoth Clippers
- If you live closer to the poles than the 40° lines of latitude, your Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm should be relatively comfortable, however if you live closer to the equator, you may need to occasionally shear Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm. A household scissors or hedge trimmer just won't cut it (so to speak), for this job, you'll need the Mammoth Clippers. Only $80 (Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm not included)
- Tusk Swing
- Babies love swings and babies love Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm. Isn't it simply common sense to put the two together? The Tusk Swing comes with easily attachable straps designed to be quickly fastened onto the tusks. Kill three birds with one stone when you take your Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm with Tusk Swing on a walk, takes the place of a stroller, swing, and can make your neighbors sweat with jealousy. Only $100 (Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm not included)
- Saber-Tooth Cat Suit
- If you fear your Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm will get insufficient exercise, then the Saber-Tooth Cat Suit made from genuine fur to give it the correct scent is an excellent choice. Don the suit and chase Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm all around town. You may also use it to scare the **** out of your annoying neighbor's noisy dogs that keep barking all night long and frequently wake up your child even though you've asked them repeatedly to put their dogs inside during the night or at the very least strangle them with high voltage shock collars. This suit is especially fun if you already own Baby's First Steel Smelter and your child likes Smiley the Smithing Smilodon. Only $450 (Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm not included)
- Mammoth Howdah
- If you want your baby to feel like royalty, or want to keep them out of reach of any real saber-tooth cats, or Dingos, the Mammoth Howdah is your perfect solution. Once buckled into place, your baby may ride aloft their Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm and take in the view. The howdah comes with a built in restraining seat to keep your little one secure while traveling or should Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm suddenly wish to lie down. Only $800!  (Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm not included)
While Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm is as gentle as any elephant and will not intentionally step on your baby, don’t allow it to crawl around the mammoth's feet.
Have your pediatrician check your baby’s stomach for mammoth hair blockages during checkups.
Do not leave your baby behind the mammoth or it may become unexpectedly buried and suffocate.
Ensure your floors are well reinforced before letting Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm play indoors.
If your Baby's First Woolly Mammoth by Nascor Toystm is prone to trumpeting, you may need to supply your child with earplugs.
Not for children under the age of the second trimester.
Products from Nascor Toys
Baby's First Woolly Mammoth is a product of Nascor Toystm.
That fineprint with which you needn't worry yourself
- ↑ Relatively speaking.
- ↑ Cost subject to change without notice.
- ↑ Plus $600 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ That means they're small.
- ↑ Plus $8 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ Plus $8 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ 99% polyester, 1% tiger pelt.
- ↑ Plus $45 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ Plus $80 shipping and handling, taxes not included.