Babies: The Ugly Truth

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photograph of a typical baby

Babies are by far the most obnoxious, smelly, noisy, unquestionably evil creatures ever created by our lord and master God - seriously.

When not projecting their stomach contents at you like the demon from the Exorcist or screaming with a pitch that could shatter glass they content themselves with producing diapers that contain what often equates to a bio-terrorism lab.

What's worse is we must feed, cloth and nuture these abominations day and night - their infernal screaming alerting us of our total inability to escape our fate as slaves to what is in essence one of nature's most prolific parasites.

How does the unification of egg and sperm create such a dire fiend? God only knows - oh and you know how babies sleep a lot? it's a trap.. because the moment you try and get some sleep the little bugger will instantly wake up and scream.

We try and exact vengeance on our tormentors by dressing them in ridiculous costumes, talking to them in "baby talk" (often as a desperate attempt to stop the thing screaming) and in our darkest hour we even allow the baby to be exposed to the horrors of the aunt and her constant need to pinch cheeks and kiss things.

Yet try as we may our efforts are in vain as the baby always prevails in the end - in short babies are evil in it's purest form.

edit Babies: We Were All One Once - Or Were We?

Now it has been a long established fact amongst the population that all of us were babies once, indeed we have all been confronted with so-called proof such as dubious "baby pictures" (which often look nothing like us) - however very few of us retain memories of being a baby and all of these so-called facts could be some kind of insidious plot designed to keep us subservient to the infantile menace.

edit Babies: The "Cute" Factor

Often we are told that babies are cute and innocent - this is often used to try and convince us that babies are harmless creatures, perhaps even defenceless: however this couldn't be further from the truth.

Take for example the common mouse, it is an animal that is often considered cute (unless one suffers from fear of mice) yet rest asured we don't encourage the little critters to scurry around our homes as they are vermin: that's not to say babies are vermin by any means - it's simply stating a fact that just because something is cute doesn't mean it's not dangerous.

Thus the age-old argument of the "cute" factor simply doesn't stand up to reality - babies may look cute but this doesn't make them harmless, in fact their is rising evidence that some babies have learnt to utilise the "cute" factor for their own gain.

Which brings us to another, perhaps more disturbing, trait that can be observed in babies: higher intelligence.

edit Babies: Signs Of Hidden Intelligence?


A baby is caught in the process of contemplating its next scheme via night-vision cameras

For a long time society has thought of babies as being rather dimwitted, capable of little more than the most basic of thinking - yet for those who have had the misfortune of being in the presence of a baby for a prolonged period of time this is quickly seen to be a lie.

Most babies seem to show a high degree of what we shall refer to as "hidden intelligence" - that is to say babies seem to be almost inhumanly clever, yet deliberately hide this intelligence except when they see fit to unleash their intelligence on their hapless victims.

A good example of such intelligence is how a baby will often cry for hours on end until you are exhausted beyond all reason then miraculously fall asleep only to suddenly awaken the moment you put the creature down so as to try and get some sleep yourself - the baby is smart enough to fool a full-grown adult into thinking it is asleep and can often succeed in doing this cruel trick for nights on end.

Another example of a baby utilising it's malevolent intelligence is during the dreaded changing of diapers, often a baby will deliberately wait until the precise moment you remove the diaper before letting lose like a garden hose: such precise control over bladder functions only further cements the argument they are not of this world.

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