From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
So, dude, like, chicks, right?
They're crazy, man. But I'd still fuck them. I mean, I do fuck them. But I'd also fuck the chicks that I haven't fucked yet. Which aren't many. Chicks.
Where they come from
You gotta be a kid or a baby or something equally gay to not know what a chick is. It's pretty simple, actually, and I know because I have interacted with many chicks in the past. These interactions almost always ended with me fucking them.
There are two types of people in this world: chicks (short for "chickenheads"), and fellas (short for "fellatio-receivers"). Chicks differ from the fellas in one respect and one respect only: if you fuck a fella, you're totally gay; on the other hand, if you fuck a chick, you're awesome, like me. Chicks come in all sorts of flavors, Chinese and Japanese and Half-Chinese-Half-Japanese the most common among them. Each flavor of chick usually has a particular subtle sub-flavor, such as hot-and-sour or wonton.
Personally, I go for the sesame chicken. I mean, I like to eat sesame chicks. But metaphorically; it means I'd fuck sesame chicks. I have fucked sesame chicks in the past. They were delicious, particularly in their vaginas.
Fellas only come in two types: gay or horny. Gay fellas are kind of complicated because they're also horny, but only for other gay fellas. This is neither the time nor place to discuss that, though.
Types of Chicks
I think I mentioned briefly the several types, or "flavors" of chick, but if you would allow me for a second to go into a little more depth, then I'm going to go into a little more depth. So now I'm going to imagine you just said "Permission granted, Brucie," and go into a little more depth.
Chicks come in all sorts of colors, have all sorts of names, and, most importantly, plenty of different shapes. Though the different types of chicks are so varied, they all share a few common characteristics, notably having vaginas that want to fuck me or have already been fucked by me.
Chicks, on the whole, tend to be Asian, secretly nerdy but really bad at video games but always willing to learn, and attracted to short skinny fellas with glasses. But be careful, because they're also crazy. At any minute they can have a period, which is when their vagina becomes so overcome with lust for skinny fellas with glasses that they start projecting their lust in myriad strange ways. These ways include mood swings, bleeding, and compulsive rejecting and hiding their true feelings. Most Asian chicks are in a near-constant state of period. But as soon as they get off their period I'll fuck them.
Fat chicks are basically the black holes of chicks (that's another thing chicks love: black holes). They are strange, anomalous, and exhibit almost the opposite characteristics of all other chicks. For starters, there are no Asian fat chicks, which is just weird but also makes sense if you think about it. Secondly (and most importantly) they are not hot. This anomaly causes great internal conflict, since I only fuck hot chicks, but fat chicks still want to fuck me. But they can't, because I haven't ever fucked a chick. That's fat. I've never fucked a fat chick.
Chicks, when not fucking me, will engage in a wide variety of interesting behaviors. One of a chick's favorite alternatives to fucking me is giving me head or, when they're really bored, giving me handies. However, because of their naturally low self-esteem, they are too ashamed to ever be caught speaking of such unspeakable acts in public, let alone ever be caught acknowledging that I exist. Despite this secretive conditioning, they most definitely do know that I exist, and are lustily drawn to my large Hummel figurine collection and even larger cock.
In their spare time, chicks engage in a number of constructive hobbies. The most common hobbies include shopping, pillow fights, shopping for pillows to have fights with, and skinny dipping. The time to perform these recreational activities is often limited, as they are usually too drained after having marathon sex with me. To recharge their batteries, so to speak, chicks don a suit of ergonomically-charged thongs and spoon each other to absorb and maximize their thermal energy. When they are fully ready to fuck me again, they call me on my phone number and tell me that they want to fuck me. Unfortunately, I am usually preoccupied fucking other chicks.
What chicks are good for
Asian chicks tend to be the most useful of all the chicks, because they can make me Chinese food after having sex with me. Some Asian chicks are very talented and can make Chinese food while having sex with me. Sometimes the sex is the Chinese food, but that's hard to explain and a person like you who hasn't had sex with chicks wouldn't understand.
While other races of chicks aren't as good at making Chinese food, they are all equally good at letting me fuck them. I mean, wanting me to fuck them. They want me to fuck them because they want me. To fuck them.
Though Asian chicks are the most useful, black chicks most likely lust after me the most. This is because I give them the "jungle fever," a very rare orgasm-inducing disease that my penis contracted when I went to Machu Picchu with my family in 2007. When my mom and dad went to bed, I snuck out of the Best Western window and fucked, like, every single last one of the Incas. This gave me jungle fever, which I use to transmit orgasms into chicks' vaginas. For some reason, black chicks love that.
The reason is orgasms.
Wooing chicks into your pants and onto your penis is no easy feat if you are not me, Brucie Goldstein, master of chick wooing. The first step is to find a chick who is not already fucking me. Once a chick is located, proceed to show her your prized collection. Any collection will suffice; I prefer the likes of rocks, baseball cards, or buttons. Don't go too weird and show her your collection of interestingly discolored hairs, it will be considered too intimate a gesture and she will suddenly have a period. So stick with baseball cards.
Oftentimes, the collection itself is impressive enough to warrant a stiff fingering, but it mostly serves as a good segue into a dynamite fuck-trump. For example, when she says she loves your rock collection, tell her that her fine ass gets you hard as your crystal geode. This will cause her vagina to start sweating with ecstasy.
Or, when she's admiring your baseball cards, tell her that your penis has more inches than Jamie Moyer has years left to live, implying your penis is about ten to twelve inches long. Of course, if it was me doing the wooing, I'd compare my dick with Jamie Moyer's career ERA if the chick in question didn't already know my penis was 4.24 inches long. I mean, feet long. Just move the decimal point.
Mary Queen of Scots
Mary Queen of Scots was a badass chick who ruled England or something for a long time, until her head was cut off by my ancestor Oliver Cromwell. I like to imagine that Cromwell did the deed while Mary was giving him head, because that's totally what someone in my lineage would do. That is, he would get head. Royal head.
Though she died prematurely, the chick's own lineage did not die with her. The Queen of Scots family line begat multiple generations of fine-looking chickenheads, all the way up to Debbie Queen of Scots, who I fucked in the ass multiple times during the summer of '06. It was totally discreet though because her parents were really strict about "polluting the royal blood" and forbade her from seeing a sexy, sexy five-foot-six Jew like me. We were able to fuck a few more times after that, but then she and her family deleted all their phone numbers and moved to Canada and I never saw her again. So you can never find her again either even if you tried. But man was she hot. Like, her boobs were huge.
Sojourner Truth was a badass chick who was a slave or something for a long time, until she fucked her master to death and inherited his riches. Despite her sexual prowess in her time, she only became nationally known after I encountered her great great great great granddaughter, who I fucked during my family trip to the Grand Canyon.
We were on our way to Arizona and had to stop for gas, and when I went out to pee I ran into her. I thought it was really cool that she was related to Sojourner, and she thought it was really cool that I maxed out all of the levels on 136 of my Pokemon without having to use any rare candies.
We later fucked in the bathroom. I put my penis in her butt, which is another thing chick's like. She called it "cunnilingus." It was hot.
Sue Ann Oh
Su Ann Oh is a really hot chick that not many people have heard of outside of Lawrenceville High School, but she'll probably become a porn star sooner or later. She is renowned around school for giving just about everybody killer blowjobs, except for me, because she's saving the best for last. I can't wait to fuck her.
I just don't know what's taking her so long. Chicks, man.
Some extra things about chicks
- ↑ I fuck chicks.
- ↑ I fuck vaginas.
- ↑ Just like I normally do, fuck chicks.
- ↑ I think about it.
- ↑ And I never will.
- ↑ Such as fondling my grundle.
- ↑ Or sucking a golf ball through a garden hose and then playing a round of golf with me, for example.
- ↑ Or like pulling out my armpit hairs one by one with only her pinkie and ring toes while whistling the tune to "Swanee."
- ↑ I have a huge cock.
- ↑ I may or may not have made a few robotic chicks. I mean, I bought them. Which one is worse? I own them. But I'm trying to sell them. When I'm done with them.
- ↑ You snooze, you lose. I never snooze. Except with chicks.
- ↑ Chicks dig orgasms.
- ↑ This can be difficult.
- ↑ To the right.