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Today's Featured Article - Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina (born September 6, 1954) is an American corporate mogul, former candidate for U.S. Senate from California, and a Republican Party candidate for President in 2016.

The Fiorina campaign states that Fiorina is uniquely able to take on and defeat Hillary Clinton, as the two candidates would have two breasts apiece, compared to none for anyone else in the race from either major party. However, the much more popular Donald Trump states that Fiorina's face is "ridiculous" for a would-be U.S. President. "Just look at it."

According to a glossy campaign brochure which "has not been approved or coordinated with any candidate or candidate's committee," and is thus due all the deference as if the Koch Brothers had signed it themselves, Fiorina was born in 1954 in Austin, Texas to Madelon Montross Jueregens and Joseph Tyree Sneed III. This would mean that she began life with a different name, although this is hardly as remarkable for a woman as it was for President Les King or Baz Soetero. The former never had to run for election (outside Grand Rapids, Michigan) and the latter had the media in the palm of his cocaine-stained hand.

What's-her-name's mother was an artist (in the same way that this author is an author) and her father was an up-and-coming law school professor who took the family around the world. Fiorina attended five different high schools, including one in Ghana, but none in Kenya and never claimed to be from any of those places, even to goose sales of an autobiography. Ultimately she graduated from a mundane high school in Durham, North Carolina. (more...)

Recently featured: Carly Fiorina

Yesterday's Featured Article - HowTo:Dine at a fancy restaurant

SuperFancyRestaurant

A college kid’s worst nightmare: you’re home visiting your parents, and to celebrate the occasion, they decide to take you out to some place called Le Tuyau d’Arrosage. Oh no, bro. Oh no.

This is the most important factor that will determine your survival. If you do not dress properly, you will be escorted from the establishment the minute you walk through the door. Never ever go to a high-end restaurant in a drawstring hoodie or a Yu-Gi-Oh T-shirt. To strike an impression, you must dress like you are attending a funeral.

Wear a blazer and tie. Never get food or sauce on either. Khaki pants work best, but any kind with 10 or more belt loops will do. Keep this rule of thumb in mind: the more robotic your movements and actions, the better. Do not fidget or hike up your pants. Stand up like you just took a yardstick up the rectum; do not walk like you are packing heat, or just crapped your pants.

Keep a straight face or small smile. NEVER scowl, mope, or show that you don’t want to be there in any other way. Honesty counts for nothing here.

You may realize that people all around are staring at you. Disregard them; try not to think about the fact that they are staring at you, or what they are thinking. (more...)

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Designated commemoration day

February 7: National Don't Memorize Your Lines Day

  • 33 - Jesus memorized his lines.
  • 1756 - Oscar Wilde opens in a play for which he did not memorize his lines. He improvs the whole play, to everyone's amazement. This dialogue was the basis for Wilde's 'The Importance of Being Ernest'. It also lead the consequent discovery of cheese.
  • 1823 - ummmmm... Line!
  • 1876 - Steam locomotive forgets its lines, derails, crashes, kills hundreds. Fuckwit.
  • 1901 - Sherlock Holmes forgets his "lines".
  • 1968 - Two Runners have their gold medals taken away in the Mexico City Olympics because they had their lines memorized
  • 1975 - American troops in Vietnam forget their lines. The A team were wrongly accused of this. They promptly escaped using a combination of Bill Clintons cigars, a cabbage launcher and Mr T's pity. The rest is history.
  • 1991 - A flood takes to Norways streets.
  • 1998 - OMEs were going to declare war on the emos....but they forgot their lines.
  • 2005 - This was the day the All Mighty Muffin Lord took over Earth Beta. He conquered the previous ruler, because he had his lines memorized.
  • 2007 - All Mighty Muffin Lord forgets his lines and is killed by the Earth Beta version of Peyton Manning (who is, in this timeline, a neo-Nazi overlord).
  • 2008 - Uhh.... What was I going to say?
  • 2008 - Don't know what happened today? Well if you'd learned your lines you'd know what this was going to say. Tough shit.
  • 2011 - You read this on the main page because you forgot your lines.
  • 2012 - Cure for cancer is found, but due to fears of the Movie I Am Legend it is destroyed.

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