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<p style="font-variant: small-caps; text-align:center; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom:.2em; font-size: 105%;">[[:Category:Politics and Government|Politics]] | [[:Category:Games|Games]] | [[:Category:Computers and Technology|Computers]] | [[:Category:People|People]] | [[:Category:Quaint|Quaint]] | [[:Category:Coherent|Coherent]] <br> '''[[Uncyclopedia:Best of|Most good]] | [[Special:Allpages|Alphabet Sequential Index]] | [[Uncyclopedia:Browse|Other Section...]]'''</p>
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<p style="font-variant: small-caps; text-align:center; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom:.2em; font-size: 105%;">[[:Category:Politics|Politics]] | [[:Category:Games|Games]] | [[:Category:Computers and Technology|Computers]] | [[:Category:People|People]] | [[:Category:Quaint|Quaint]] | [[:Category:Coherent|Coherent]] <br> '''[[Uncyclopedia:Best of|Most good]] | [[Special:Allpages|Alphabet Sequential Index]] | [[Uncyclopedia:Browse|Other Section...]]'''</p>
 
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Latest revision as of 09:20, October 29, 2011

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Today's Featured Article - Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina (born September 6, 1954) is an American corporate mogul, former candidate for U.S. Senate from California, and a Republican Party candidate for President in 2016.

The Fiorina campaign states that Fiorina is uniquely able to take on and defeat Hillary Clinton, as the two candidates would have two breasts apiece, compared to none for anyone else in the race from either major party. However, the much more popular Donald Trump states that Fiorina's face is "ridiculous" for a would-be U.S. President. "Just look at it."

According to a glossy campaign brochure which "has not been approved or coordinated with any candidate or candidate's committee," and is thus due all the deference as if the Koch Brothers had signed it themselves, Fiorina was born in 1954 in Austin, Texas to Madelon Montross Jueregens and Joseph Tyree Sneed III. This would mean that she began life with a different name, although this is hardly as remarkable for a woman as it was for President Les King or Baz Soetero. The former never had to run for election (outside Grand Rapids, Michigan) and the latter had the media in the palm of his cocaine-stained hand.

What's-her-name's mother was an artist (in the same way that this author is an author) and her father was an up-and-coming law school professor who took the family around the world. Fiorina attended five different high schools, including one in Ghana, but none in Kenya and never claimed to be from any of those places, even to goose sales of an autobiography. Ultimately she graduated from a mundane high school in Durham, North Carolina. (more...)

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Yesterday's Featured Article - HowTo:Dine at a fancy restaurant

SuperFancyRestaurant

A college kid’s worst nightmare: you’re home visiting your parents, and to celebrate the occasion, they decide to take you out to some place called Le Tuyau d’Arrosage. Oh no, bro. Oh no.

This is the most important factor that will determine your survival. If you do not dress properly, you will be escorted from the establishment the minute you walk through the door. Never ever go to a high-end restaurant in a drawstring hoodie or a Yu-Gi-Oh T-shirt. To strike an impression, you must dress like you are attending a funeral.

Wear a blazer and tie. Never get food or sauce on either. Khaki pants work best, but any kind with 10 or more belt loops will do. Keep this rule of thumb in mind: the more robotic your movements and actions, the better. Do not fidget or hike up your pants. Stand up like you just took a yardstick up the rectum; do not walk like you are packing heat, or just crapped your pants.

Keep a straight face or small smile. NEVER scowl, mope, or show that you don’t want to be there in any other way. Honesty counts for nothing here.

You may realize that people all around are staring at you. Disregard them; try not to think about the fact that they are staring at you, or what they are thinking. (more...)

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February 8: Worship an Idol day (Canaan), Weorshcipe an Heathern God Dai (Eald England)


  • 4527 BC - The Eald Englanders worship Odin, although he had not yet obtained an official God licence (for your own contact 0800-GOD-LICENCE-PLEASE (US only)), as he was licenced under Zeus (0300).
  • 1856 BC - Hebrews arrive at the Promised Land, start worshipping Baal (then no licence, now under 2110).
  • 1020 BC - Rome built in 23hours and 58 minutes
  • 33 BC - Jesus visits 50 people at the same time and laughs about how they try to explain it while watching from his cloud
  • 76 AD - Roman Philosopher John Malkberry publishes his masterpiece, "Indoor Plumbing, the Devil Incarnate".
  • 77 - Rome is destroyed by Typhoid.
  • 1819 - Mary Shelly creates Frankenstein. The beast runs amok and destroys most of the species on Earth. Charles Darwin is inspired by this and together with Richard Dawkins creates the theory of evilution.
  • 1925 - Rl'yeh rises from the ocean floor. Cthulhu Cult rejoices. The rest of the world shits their pants.
  • 2001 - California Adventure establishes its independence from Disneyland, with the aid of terrorists Don al-Duck and Hewey Hussein.

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