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Daikaiju Gojira—also known by his on-screen moniker Godzilla—was a giant radioactive mutant dinosaur, and was one of Japan’s foremost film stars for nearly half a century. On the screen, Godzilla was known for his legendary acting range: he could play anything from an evil giant mutant dinosaur to a benevolent giant mutant dinosaur to an antiheroic giant mutant dinosaur, and everything in between. Off the screen, Godzilla was known for his brooding and often complex personal life. Of note are the friendships he forged with many of his costars (most notably Rodan, Anguirus and King Ghidorah); his tumultuous and sometimes rocky relationship with female costar Mothra; and his infamous radiation addiction, which finally cost the monster his life in 1995.

Daikaiju Gojira was born to a small family of modest means on Lagos Island on May 31st, 1934. His father—a fellow Godzillasaurus—worked as the island’s alpha predator, catching and killing wild boars to maintain his family. Godzilla’s childhood was typical of other surviving dinosaurs. However, in 1944, Godzilla had his first encounter with humankind. In his autobiography—simply titled Gojira: My Song (Toho Press, 1992)—he reflects: (more...)

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Jesus of Nazareth. Many of you know me and the deeds I did. I was born to a virgin, am the Son of God, died for your sins, and rose from the dead. Everyone knows my story, and who I am.

But do you really?

So much of my life has been just plain mistranslated, and gotten wrong. Raised Lazarus from the dead... Please! Why would I want zombie boy walking around when he didn't like me tapping his sister in the first place? In all honesty I was happy to see him gone. Or at least I would have been. It seems that Lazarus wasn't really dead in the first place. He had a peanut allergy and didn't know it. Ate one or two too many nuts one night, and went into an epileptic shock, and then a coma. Trust me, I was just as surprised as anyone to see him up and walking around when I showed up. And I had to pretend I was HAPPY to see him too. Man, it isn't easy being me sometimes.

I know it has been a while since I was alive, but so many people have the wrong impression of how my life went, I have to set the record straight somehow. With this autobiography, I hope to tell everyone what, truly, is what. (more...)

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Designated commemoration day

July 4: Will Smith Day (USA), American Independence Day (most other countries)

2000 BC - An ageing Conan the Barbarian notices that his thews aren't as mighty as they used to be. Depressed, he eats a carton of ice-cream, and washes it down with bourbon.
993 - Saint Skeet Ulrich of Augsburg canonized. Unfortuantely, they used too much powder and he overshot the catch net.
1776 - King George III receives a letter from the colonies; throws it out thinking that it's yet another menu from a pizza restaurant.
1862 - Abraham Lincoln proclaims an end to the American Civil War. He waits a moment, then yells "Psych!"
1917 - American troops in Flanders attempt to recreate the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 by holding a 4th of July barbeque in No Man's Land. The results are predictable.
1969 - Birth of Will Smith. The world rejoices. Warring forces in Vietnam, Czechoslovakia and Detroit lay down their arms, and join together in ushering in the new Golden Age of Mankind.
1996 - Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum save the world by infecting the alien mothership with a computer virus, thus continuing the time-honored tradition of infections saving the world from aliens. Will Smith tries to take all the credit, but Jeff Goldblum threatens to sic his Jewish father on him.
1997 - Will Smith Day becomes an official worldwide celebration.
2007 - You sit at a computer. Why not go outside and get some fresh air? And watch the stars, the sky, and that huge metal ball that somehow didn't hit that comet but changed his path towards you? Yeah, it's following you. Get an umbrella or go to the subways.