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Yesterday's Featured Article - Gramp's Insane Ramblings: Life Lessons

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Dear unwanted, ungrateful bastard who I didn't want to raise but still did because abortion was still against the law when you were born.

Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.

First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.

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Designated commemoration day

Saint Roger

October 19: Feast of Saint Roger (Estonia). Feast of Rogering Saints (Bulgaria).

  • 24 CE - Saint Roger invites his chums to his residence, Gobblewood Mansion, and holds a feast.
  • 26 CE - Saint Roger gets raped by hillbillies while on holiday in Bulgaria.
  • 121 - Saint Roger is canonized by the pope, the anti-pope, the ant pope and the pope's auntie.
  • 568 - Children in a field see a vision of Saint Roger in the sky. Not knowing who it is, they chuck rocks at him.
  • 1161 - The first trout is launched into space by Russia onboard Stenchpotski 12.
  • 1349 - Postmen all over England suffer the Sack Death.
  • 1607 - Elizabeth I of England rises from the dead as a zombie, then dies again of a bad cold.
  • 1899 - Nokia renames itself Bobcom.
  • 1920 - Bobcom renames itself Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications.
  • 1922 - Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications renames itself London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft.
  • 1924 - London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft renames itself Nokia.
  • 1925 - Nokia Phone Company renames itself Phil the lovable huggable drunkard, but then decides that it projects a negative image on their homeless phone subscribers, so they change back.
  • 1943 - English and American pilots come to blows over the use of the word "roger".
  • 1973 - Pfft is created and every word in the dictionary is thusforth removed for the rest of eternity. Except for one word. Pfft.
  • 1983 - 34 Nazis decide to hold a square dance, which result in a whole new line of trousers being released.
  • 1990 - Toasters take over the internets messaging services. Ovens are taken in for questioning.
  • 2004 - Nokia renames itself NO CIA, and starts a nuclear war.
  • 2011 - Saint Roger reappears in ghostly form and wins The X Factor but disappears before Simon Cowell can roger him over his recording deal.
  • 2456 - Buck Rogers wonders why British time travellers snigger when he is introduced to them.

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