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2011 State of the Union

The State of the Union address is a method of compressing partisan lies into an hour-or-two-long speech (or -three, in the case of Bill Clinton).

The annual speech tells Congress and the entire United States what The President thinks. It is received in a room full of crusty and aging legislators who long ago lost their souls and have no lodestar except the desire to:

  1. Bask in the reflected glory of the President's presence, and
  2. Have all their impressionable constituents watch them doing so and thereby get the impression they have a fraction of the President's charisma.

Federal law provides that, in addition to his annual salary of $400,000, the President gets one evening a year in a chamber where a crowd of fawning wannabes will deliriously applaud him for saying nothing of substance, and where everyone in the country can see that they did. This is not just a fringe benefit for the President, but reassures even the most incompetent American citizen that his poorest and most meaningless work might have someone welcome it, by virtue of the welcomer being even worse — or might lead to a lifetime sinecure, if he can simply find a boss who is eager to be surrounded by suck-ups.

Article II, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution tasks the President to "from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the Union, to recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient, or failing that, to advise the same as to how far to bend over."

It is a perennial mystery to Constitutional scholars why the small document that set out three co-equal branches contains this loophole directing two of them to kiss the butt of one of them every year.. (more...)

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Designated commemoration day

Colawar

September 21: Cola Wars Armistice Day, International Sweat like a Rapist day

  • 454 - Roman Emperor Valentinian III assassinates his general Aëtius after a dispute over the merits of Coke and Pepsi.
  • 1066 - Harold is disgusted to find he has got sweat patches on his favour armour. As he is changing behind a tree a stealth agent shoots him in the eye.
  • 1780 - American Revolutionary War: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point and the secret formula to Coke.
  • 1828 - That Guy, not This Guy is born in Lower Throat-Warbling, Kent
  • 1918 - Treaty of Cadbury-Schwepps marks the cessation of violence in the first Cola War
  • 1947 - The Coke plan is set up to aid falling Coca Cola sales in Europe. Pepsi will have none of this, condemming it as cola sales imperialism.
  • 1952 - Pepsi introduces the "So much better than Coke that it makes me feel sick" plan, and sets up 'Pepsicon'. Coca Cola is banned from the USSR. This triggers the Cold Cola War.
  • 1972 - Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos issues Proclamation No. 1081 placing the country under martial law and making Pepsi the official drink of the Phillipines.
  • 1978 - Earth, Wind, and Fire remember the 21st night of September. They then proceed to drinking Coke.
  • 1983 - Ferdinand Marcos directs a confused man to the local garage to purchase Pepsi.
  • 1985 - Coca Cola invents Mountain Dew, Infringing on Pepsi's trademark, starting Cola War II.
  • 1986 - Colonel Sanders surrenders his forces to PepsiCo at the Battle of Kentucky; Chicken Little announces that "the sky is falling!"
  • 1987 - Hershey's mediates a treaty between Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, ending Cola War II after much bloodshed in Central American plantations.
  • 1992 - Coca Cola creates Dr peper, in a retaliation to Pepsi's Root Beer creation. The war continues with much hard earned, rapist like sweat
  • 1998 - 7-Up nominated for Oscar
  • 1999 - The impending Millennium celebrations force Royal Crown Cola to formulate a strategy to take down its opposition.
  • 2001 - Rioting in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 2006 - Royal Crown Cola declares war on Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, proclaiming "Death to the American Capitalist Swine".
  • 2007 - The day Tetris broke. Anti-bullying day occurs, the masses dress in pink and Pepto Bismol drips to death, pink unicycle spotted on national television.
  • 2009 - Rola Cola assassinates Royal Crown Cola, Coca Cola and Pepsi, in that order, they never stood a chance.
  • 2009 - Laugh at Rhys's misfortune day.
  • 2010 - Highly anticipated racing game, Test Drive Unlimited 2, scheduled for release, but is postponed due to turbulent Coca Cola-Pepsi relations.

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