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Today's Featured Article - California


California is a huge proving ground of the United States of America on the Pacific Ocean. Although it has two Senators and hundreds of Reprehensibles in the U.S. House, it is not a state but an experimental mosh pit, where new social trends are refined before being unleashed on the nation. The current experiment is a full-body transfusion where a state's entire population is replaced by the population of Mexico.

What is now California was first settled by the Indians. Like eloping teenagers, the Indians came from somewhere else, but it seems they belong there and we don't. Over 70 distinct groups of Indians settled in the territory, where they developed Kachinka dolls, did rain dances, and hid from meteor showers. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring their shotguns, hot rods, and laptop computers, and they are now free to smoke-um peace-pipes and such on pristine reservations in the state's more barren regions.

The next arrivals were Spanish galleons. In 1565, a fleet called the Thrilla from Manila made unintended visits to California on their way back from somewhere else. In 1579, Francis Drake did better, not just visiting the region but going to the Land Office and filing a claim. Vizcaíno explored and mapped the area in 1602, and no one got the point, which is evident at every Town Planning Board: that every innocent "attempt to take accurate plots" is a plot to take over.

No one did, however, until Portolà explored in 1769. He never got anyone to help him with the backward accent over his name, but the Spaniards started setting up presidios, this long before they started turning up in movies. They also founded Los Angeles and San Jose, a place to make movies and a place to watch them, respectively. These were the first pueblos, though movie stars now shave them. San Jose became the "world's largest truck stop" long before the first tractor-trailer. (more...)

Recently featured: British ski jumpers

Yesterday's Featured Article - British ski jumpers

Eddie edwards3

The imperialist ambitions of the United Kingdom used to be expressed through colonisation of half of the known world and a complete exploitation of everything it had and it did not have to offer. Nowadays, this behaviour being virtually impossible due to the pressure from the part of the UN and NATO, the British decided to conquer the world of sports. Unfortunately, their plans are usually ruined by different countries, depending on what discipline Britain tries to compete in. In cricket the country is beaten by South Africa, in soccer by Italy and in ice hockey by most of the known countries, whether Northern or Southern. Such losses on multiple fronts have urged England to create several entirely new sports disciplines, which only the British would know how to compete at, notably "unsuccessful ski jumping". Unsuccessful ski jumping is roughly the same as the usual ski jumping with the only difference being the fact that British ski jumpers have, since the dawn of sports, been trained to fail. (more...)

*...that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?
Jewish people raped these people

Recent Second Front Pages: GreeceHillary!UK election
bad stuff happened
November 28: Panic Day/Tell-someone-you-know-you-had-sex-with-someone-they-don't day
Panic button
  • 1834 - AAAAAAIIIIEE! Help! We're all going to die!
  • 1943 - Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, they'll kill us all!
  • 1944 - People die... and stuff...
  • 1963 - Hundreds of thousands die in global mime protests, Mimes assume totalitarian control, only to have it crushed 3 weeks later by Vin Diesel dressed as a clown.
  • 1967 - Holy Shit!Anna Nicole Smith.
  • 1979 - Don't Panic
  • 2000 - Y2K kills the entire planet, annoying environmentalists throughtout the planet, users of Macs are left unharmed.
  • 2004 - Y2K is fixed by a patch from Microsoft, life FINALLY returns to normal.
  • 2004 - Y2K is fixed again by another patch from Microsoft, due to the complete failure of the first patch.
  • 2004 - Y2K can be fixed (at last!) for those users who don't have Genuine Windows software (ie. most people)
  • 2004 - Microsoft panics. What the hell can they not-fix now?
  • 2005 - The 113th annual World Autofellatio Championship contest begins. If you have children, panic.
  • 2006 - Celebrating 445324248432479525 seconds since people invented the tree.
  • 2006 - Jesus has not returned to earth in his intergalactic space pod.
  • 2006 - Person spills milk on floor
  • 2006 - OMG! Celine Dion is playing a concert!!!!!! Nooooooooooooooooooo
  • 2006 - Chirstopher Meloni attacks Emmy Winner Jon Stewart after being screwed once again.
  • 2007 - K-fedex is releasing another album
  • 2008 - Kernel Panic: Segmentation Fault (Core Dumped)
  • 2012 - Scientists apologize for any inconvinence previous apocolypse warnings may have caused. Claim the apocalypse is, infact, 2 years ago.
  • 2038 - Epoch ends. The ultimate bug shows up. Still no Duke Nukem Forever.
  • 2046 - Glucose begins his crusade against toilet paper.
  • 2101 - All your base are belong to us!!!
  • 2102 - All your base destroyed by tsunami.
  • 2105 - All your base rebuilt.
  • 2105 - All your base is destroyed again, by a can of Coca Cola. People can't be fucked to built your base again.
  • 2105 - al;sdkfjoi;as (Aaahhhhhhh!!!! It's the end of the fucking world!!!)
  • 2112 - Attention, all planets of the Solar Federation! We have assumed control!
  • 2134 - Angry ticks fire out of my nipples.
  • 2843 - Bono finally dies.
  • 3764 - SAW 127874 is made.
  • The Future - Jesus returns to earth with many holo-hookers
  • The Future + 1 - Raptor Jesus pokévolves from Your Mom
  • The Future + 2 - Jesus meets Raptor Jesus and the universe implodes.
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