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Today's Featured Article - Hillary Clinton

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Hillary Clinton also known as Hillary Rodham Clinton or Hillary Rodham, or on bumper stickers as just Hillary! depending on how ex-President Bill Clinton is polling that week, is a U.S. politician, former First "Lady," and the only Secretary of State who had to be replaced by John Kerry.

Hillary Clinton is the utterly likable and completely unavoidable nominee of the Democratic Party for U.S. President in 2016, a campaign for which she has adopted slogans such as, "I'm the next best thing to Bill!" and "Vote for me and get Bill free!"

Hillary was born in Chicago, Illinois, on October 26, 1947, the daughter of a small businessman and a smaller homemaker, neither of whom is the clear source of those large thighs. Many journalists believe Hillary was named after Sir Edmund Hillary, who would go on to be someone people had heard of when he climbed Mount Everest — mostly, those journalists who take Hillary at her word. However, the fact is that she was instead named after Hilary Duff, and her parents doubled the "l" for "teh llullz."

Hillary was raised a Methodist, participated in student government, and by all accounts had a normal youth, apart from her obvious destiny to be a Senator and President some day.

The household was politically conservative and even influenced by Barry Goldwater. Unfortunately, she fell in with the Rockefeller wing — hardly Methodist and, on most issues, strictly agnostic — and later settled on Saul Alinsky, America's clearest exponent (after Karl Marx) of the idea that the ends justify the means, whose manual on ruthlessness informed the nation's lawyers no less than its pre-schoolers. (more...)

Recently featured: Hillary Clinton - Gretna Green

Yesterday's Featured Article - Gretna Green

Gretna Green

Gretna Green is a village in Scotland, just over the border from England, which was notorious for hosting quickie weddings for young English lovers. The bride and groom needed only make their vows in front of witnesses (who were sometimes disinterested) and pay the nominal fee in a form that could be cashed before the angry parents arrived and dragged them back home. Moreover, Gretna marriages could be solemnised by anyone. This led to the blacksmith's anvil becoming a symbol for weddings, much as the barber pole has come to signify prompt medical treatment.

The village was named for Gretna Green, a nubile Scottish lass who was equally notorious for getting "married" several times a week. It acquired its niche in 1754 when Lord Hardwicke's Marriage Act, no pun intended, authorised parents to veto the marriage of a minor. Although the Act had the unintended consequence of cancelling many marriages to Welshmen digging for coal, it famously did not apply in Scotland, where pubescent marriages were routinely consummated on school playgrounds. In the 1770s, the A74 (now the A74(M)) was built, hormone-fueled engines revved up, and the race was on. Gretna Green, just above the mossy outgrowth on Adrian's Wall, became the prime destination, curious youngsters curiously not wishing to penetrate further into Scotland. It would go on to take the British record not only in irregular weddings but in irregular rail disasters. (more...)

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*...that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
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Recent Second Front Pages: GreeceHillary!UK election
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July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)

  • 7 BC - First computer created, using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
  • 6 BC - The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
  • 3 BC - A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
  • 0 BC - A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restringed.
  • 500 - A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates halved.
  • 666 - Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
  • 1000 - The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed.
  • 1866 - Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic Cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
  • 1914 - British troops invade the streets of Dublin and demand free wifi.
  • 1979 - Actor Penis Van Lesbian changes his name to the more acceptable Dick Van Dyke.
  • 2003 - English tribute band Two Humps is formed in Nottinghamfordshire-upon-Kent, Surrey, England.
  • 2007 - The finincially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy.
  • 2010 - StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
  • 2011 - Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
  • 2036 - StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
  • 2057 - The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
  • 2135 - StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing it.
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