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Today's featured article


Today's Featured Article - Muslim Sisterhood

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The Chamber of Muslim Sisters, usually referred to as the Muslim Sisterhood is the female division of the group ISIS. The primary objective of the Sisterhood is to make everything that it comes into contact with halal and then redistribute it to the Western World. However, it also serves to provide places of refuge from American drones. The Sisterhood was inspired on 6 June 2006 when several ISIS members named Mohamed simultaneously found their children all wearing burqas; as such, they could not tell apart their sons and their daughters. Together, they exclaimed "Praise Allah the true One! For if we men wear burqas instead of balaclavas, then NATO and Americans won't strike us anymore!" Since then, more than 300 Sisterhood chambers have been erected throughout Iraq and Syria, with the entry requirement of wearing a burqa. As such, none have ever been the target of Western forces, which is much safer than any of the United Nations operated 'schools' along the Gaza Strip. However, rather than sitting around and doing nothing, the people inside the chambers are hard at work halalifying things all day, devoting their hours to the cause of Islam.

The main activity conducted by the Sisterhood is the rectification of media deemed not suitable under Islamic standards. These processes are conducted in chambers whose structures are best described as being like the human digestive system; the materials to be tested enter the front of the building, then pass through 1.6 km of rigorous examination and editing by members of the Sisterhood, and are finally expelled from the rear as 'certified halal' (more...)

Recently featured: Muslim Sisterhood - Samsung - Solar flares

Yesterday's Featured Article - Samsung

Samsungrange

Samsung is a Korean manufacturer of smartphones, phablets[2] and tablets, that people are compelled to buy once every six months, without fail. Otherwise they will stare down the gauntlet of ridicule and social ruin for having a portable device with a gigantic screen that can disappointingly only be read from the Moon, compared to the new model, which has an even more gigantic screen that can be read from the outer planets and further.

The modern corporation is a secretive family-owned conglomerate and, like all secretive family-owned conglomerates famed for their work on the big screen, it also has interests in the chemicals and shipping industries to complement its manufacturing credentials. Curiously, Samsung is yet to put a finger in the bolt-cutter and Robert DeNiro industries, though.

Samsung is also one of the world's most prolific innovators in the IT sphere, and the leading employer of engineers and scientists with degrees on "big", PhDs on "shiny" and Nobel Prizes for "screen". They've pioneered such innovations as the touch screen, the integration of the Android OS, and a new generation of semiconductor that makes hair and fingernails fall out. However the R&D team has never quite mastered the most profitable addition to an electronic product; the Apple logo.. (more...)

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November 28: Panic Day/Tell-someone-you-know-you-had-sex-with-someone-they-don't day

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  • -2000 - OH GOD THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!
  • 1834 - AAAAAAIIIIEE! Help! We're all going to die!
  • 1943 - Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, they'll kill us all!
  • 1944 - People die... and stuff...
  • 1963 - Hundreds of thousands die in global mime protests, Mimes assume totalitarian control, only to have it crushed 3 weeks later by Vin Diesel dressed as a clown.
  • 1967 - Holy Shit!Anna Nicole Smith.
  • 1979 - Don't Panic
  • 1999 - OH GOD THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!
  • 2000 - Y2K kills the entire planet, annoying environmentalists throughtout the planet, users of Macs are left unharmed.
  • 2004 - Y2K is fixed by a patch from Microsoft, life FINALLY returns to normal.
  • 2004 - Y2K is fixed again by another patch from Microsoft, due to the complete failure of the first patch.
  • 2004 - Y2K can be fixed (at last!) for those users who don't have Genuine Windows software (ie. most people)
  • 2004 - Microsoft panics. What the hell can they not-fix now?
  • 2005 - The 113th annual World Autofellatio Championship contest begins. If you have children, panic.
  • 2006 - Celebrating 445324248432479525 seconds since people invented the tree.
  • 2006 - Jesus has not returned to earth in his intergalactic space pod.
  • 2006 - Person spills milk on floor
  • 2006 - OMG! Celine Dion is playing a concert!!!!!! Nooooooooooooooooooo
  • 2006 - Chirstopher Meloni attacks Emmy Winner Jon Stewart after being screwed once again.
  • 2007 - K-fedex is releasing another album
  • 2008 - Kernel Panic: Segmentation Fault (Core Dumped)
  • 2012 - Scientists apologize for any inconvinence previous apocolypse warnings may have caused. Claim the apocalypse is, infact, 2 years ago.
  • 2038 - Epoch ends. The ultimate bug shows up. Still no Duke Nukem Forever.
  • 2046 - Glucose begins his crusade against toilet paper.
  • 2101 - All your base are belong to us!!!
  • 2102 - All your base destroyed by tsunami.
  • 2105 - All your base rebuilt.
  • 2105 - All your base is destroyed again, by a can of Coca Cola. People can't be fucked to built your base again.
  • 2105 - al;sdkfjoi;as (Aaahhhhhhh!!!! It's the end of the fucking world!!!)
  • 2112 - Attention, all planets of the Solar Federation! We have assumed control!
  • 2134 - Angry ticks fire out of my nipples.
  • 2843 - Bono finally dies.
  • 3764 - SAW 127874 is made.
  • The Future - Jesus returns to earth with many holo-hookers
  • The Future + 1 - Raptor Jesus pokévolves from Your Mom
  • The Future + 2 - Jesus meets Raptor Jesus and the universe implodes.

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