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Today's Featured Article - UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market

GazaWater1

SAFED, Palestine - U.S. President Barack Obama signed an agreement with Palestinean President Mahmoud Abbas today to trade in the processing of the region's urban rubble, having failed to reach any agreement to stop creating it.

The so-called Trans-Palestinian Partnership will gradually phase out tariffs, duties, inspections, and the role of the U.S. Congress in the movement of Grade A broken concrete blocks across national boundaries.

It was non-alcoholic beverages and mild gratitude to Allah as Mr. Abbas and Mr. Obama publically declared that a Palestine/US economic future "is buried firmly in the trenchant rubble that plagues our streets."

In a candid interview on Israel TV, Mr. Obama said he has thrown in the towel on a peace agreement between Israel and a Palestinian state, as he could hardly get his head around the Wikipedia entry, let alone reason with Abbas. Mr. Obama said at least all parties were better off with a financial agreement in the raw-materials sector.

The employment rate in Palestine also increased by 0.6%, as tens of Palestinians rushed to join the President's new "Palestinian Rubble Liberation Union (PRLU)". At the same time, a "Fatah Debris and General Workers Union" was formed to protect the PRLU Union members from the PRLU, and a "Hamas Union of Fragments" to protect the already established Islamic Rubble Movement. (more...)

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Isaac Newton

July 5: X Day; Day After We Kicked The Brits Ass Day (Southern US)

  • 334 BC - Masturbation is accidentally invented by Plato in Athens. His diciple Aristoteles is later declared "Master of his domain"
  • 1687 - Isaac Newton (pictured) discovers gravity after being hit on the head by a falling fig.
  • 1689 - After outbreak of falling fruit, Isaac Newton officially changes gravity to 7.
  • 1946 - The bikini is introduced in Paris, France. Later, no bikini atoll was the trend.
  • 1967 - The first kidney transplant to be made entirely of lego bricks ends in tragedy
  • 1998 - Aliens fail to turn up and fry everyone to a pink crisp.
  • 1999 - Again, the aliens miss the due date.
  • 2000 - Yet again, the aliens fail to meet their contractual obligations.
  • 2001 - Cultists get seriously pissed off with yet another no-show.
  • 2002 - Kooks consider taking legal action against missing aliens.
  • 2003 - Aliens turned up, but not the right aliens. Bloody mocking tourists.
  • 2004 - No one turns up because no one expects the aliens to. And, yup, they didn't.
  • 2005 - If you are reading this, the aliens did not turn up for the 8th year running.
  • 2005 - Longest fart in world history. Produced by AMB.
  • 2006 - That's right, still no aliens.
  • 2006 - Zombies become extinct.
  • 2007 - Deal or No Deal? The aliens decide to take the money and not show up - again!
  • 2010 - The Church Of The Subgenius hijacks the Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 5 page
  • 2155 - Aliens almost turned up but missed a left due to wrong directions and landed on Venus.
  • 2156 - Aliens turn up and land in Tokyo but flee due to a Gundam Statue that lit up at night.
  • 19447 - Aliens appear as tourists, but at this point no one cares.

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David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System.


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