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Today's Featured Article - Community

Meet-the-clangers

A community is a collection of humans, thought of as an undifferentiated unit. This means that individual differences of opinion can be denied, disparaged, or dealt with through unactionable campaign promises or Special Limited-Time Offers. Why one should think of humans as an undifferentiated unit is an open question. It works for a herd of grazing cows; they demonstrate all the typical traits of a community. By comparison, if the human world were a community, one would assume the victims of an opera-house massacre would not have scrambled to find the nearest exit.

To understand how a community works, we need to look at the Human Condition: "the characteristics, key events, and situations essential to human existence." Examples are: broadband speed, fashion, drama, perceived individuality and whether a smoker or non-smoker. The Human Condition is very broad (more so in American ballparks), and is pondered and analyzed from perspectives including philosophy, art, sociology, ethnic cleansers, and despots.

As a literary term, "the Human Condition" is typically used in the context of ambiguous subjects, such as what is the right hair color. Once the literature is bought by Hollywood, the Human Condition is subordinate to conditioner, and then hair color including metal-flaking. The Human Condition describes the moral compass heading that keeps the individual from being lost in a crowd professing to have the identical compass heading. A community is a social unit of any size that shares these common values, or at least pretends to in public. (more...)

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Selected anniversaries

May 4: Jedi New Year

  • 321 - The date no one thought would ever happen, finally did.
  • 1367 - King Philo of Wallachia discovers flatulence.
  • 1594 - Dwarf Hunting declared illegal in France.
  • 1904 - USA begins first efforts to curb illegal immigration with groundbreaking of Panama Canal, separating North and South America.
  • 1905 - Weebles wobble.
  • 1924 - Weebles still won't fall down.
  • 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales accidentally causes the Great Depression.
  • 1939 - Thomas Jefferson ends up being the first president to become a rock star.
  • 1953 - Ernest Hemingway awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his maritime opus, Shark Tale.
  • 1960 - John Prescott wins the first of many pie eating contests.
  • 1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
  • 1965 - Tony Blair announces the John Prescott Widening Project in order to increase the amount of pies John Prescott can eat. This reduced his ability to make incomprehensible sentences. Millions rejoice.
  • 1966 - Robin Cook appointed as Cheif Incomprehensible Sentence Maker by the Queen. Millions saddened.
  • 1968 - Robin Williams visits Earth and pals around with Gene Roddenberry and William Shatner. More than 40 years of science fiction hub-bub and techno-crap follow, creating really cool inventions like the transporter and Klingons.
  • 1977 - Star Wars is released with the tag line "May the fourth be with you". The Director was later fired to making up such a ludicrous pun. Douchebag.
  • 1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan awakes to a new day, but has no idea why.
  • 2004 - First annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention held.
  • 2005 - The entire country of Portugal secedes and moves to Canada.
  • 2007 - Queen Elizabeth prepares enjoy the Kentuckistan Derby by buying a beer bong.
  • 2009 - Jimmy Carter creates the Anti-Weeble, which never gets up off the floor. This brings chaos to the Weeble-balance and the Weeble Wars begin.

Archived Anniversaries

Word of the day

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Did you know...

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  • ...that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?

Do you care...

  • ... that Peyton Manning knows Terrell Owens is the REAL reason he's not playing Today?
  • ...that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?


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Quarterback of the Month and Waterboy of the Month

David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System.


Noobaward

If a picture is worth a thousand words, those on Noob of the Month MoneySign's image gallery are good for an average of at least 940 words apiece (he loses points because his Taste picture offends the Greeks). Classic Money highlights include Hazard Dogs and the tuberiffic logo for UnNews, which MS constructed entirely out of string, spittle and beer can tabs.


Congratulations to Rcmurphy, this year's Most Valuable Player!


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