Every wide-eyed toddler knows that man went to the moon in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Way before computers and other advanced technology even existed, twelve of their ancestors walked upon the lunar surface. They picked up rocks, set up American flags, rode around in fully-loaded dune buggies, hit golf balls, posed for thousands of manipulated glossy photographs, and even passed urine in their suits. The moon was man's space-pearl for a few glorious years. And then in 1972 it was left alone to rot in the sun. The twelve astronauts who'd visited it passed away and became icons, then legends, then historical action figures, then toys, and even pink dildos. The nickname "Buzz" took on a sexual connotation, Apollo turned into a famous Scandinavian ska-rapper, and Tranquility Base became a Paris bordello. Man had gloriously conquered the moon, only to spend the remainder of his time trying to convince people it was even true, what to speak of
possible necessary. (More...)
The Cotswold Olimpick Games is an annual public celebration of games and sports now held every May in what is now Athol, a small town named, probably by someone with a lisp, after the late Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. This town is in the Cotswolds of England, probably; hence the name, probably.
The Games began in 1612, and have continued, more intermittently than the region's electricity, to the present day. They were started by a local lawyer, Cliff Dover, who said he had the approval of the current King of England, a claim you virtually had to make in order to sanction a crowd of thousands of mostly drunk Englishmen.
Dover's motivation in organising the Games may have been his belief that physical exercise was necessary for the defence of the realm, but he may also have believed that accretion of lucre was necessary for the defence of his own old age. Consequently, steep admission fees were charged to all classes of society, including royalty on one occasion, and His Majesty actually paid it, the doddering old coot. (More...)
Did you know...
- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
In the news
- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
On this day...
| |June 20:
"Have A Nice" Day Day; Nice Day Appreciation Day (NZ);Just Another Day (Earth)
- A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away: Darth Vader, The Emperor, Yoda and Luke Skywalker ordered by Imperial Senate to take acting lessons.
- 1782 - The U.S. Congress established the Great Seal of the United States. It is a California Seal named Buster.
- 1801 - Buster killed in British terrorist attack on Brooklyn Zoo. Buster's daughter Bibi named National Seal.
- 1877 - Alexander Graham Bell installs the world's first telephone service so that he can build his phone sex empire - it was very successful.
- 1883 - Oscar Wilde completes his play The Duchess of Paduan, which would later be converted into the Star Wars septology.
- 1893 - Lizzie Borden is acquitted for the murders of her father and stepmother, mostly due to the court allowing Borden to brandish as axe at the prosecution, judge, jurors, and small children in the audience.
- 1923 - The United States Government interrupt 30 years of nothing happening on June 20 to wish everyone "a nice day."
- 1925 - The "Have A Nice Day" riots, triggered by Government action in 1923, finally subside.
- 1926 - Indictments for "Have A Nice Day" riots quashed. Judge says "have a nice day". Riots resume, ending after Martial Law declared.
- 1927 - Everyone finally has a nice day on Have A Nice Day Riots Day Day. Only minor rioting happens, as people too confused by name of day.
- 1959 - A rare hurricane struck Canada's Gulf of St. Lawrence, destroying vast Sasquatch habitat and postponing the National Curling Championships.
- 1963 - The United States and the Soviet Union establish the "red telephone" line so that the leaders of both nations can ask how each others' day was and generally make small talk, replacing the old method of communication between the two, threatening each other with nuclear war.
- 1973 - Snipers wish a happy day to a crowd in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Thirteen are greatly overcome with joy and more than 300 are left mildly ecstatic.
- 1994 - John Gotti acquitted after long trial. In closing arguments, lawyer Bruce Cutler asks jury to "find Mr. Gotti innocent or we'll wack you too!"
- 2289 - The British finally land on the moon. They discover that tea cannot be taken in 1/8 gravity, cancel mission amid a not so nice day.
| Colonization of the Week
|For the glory of her majesty|
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.