Babel:Santa

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Welcome to Santapedia,
31,312 elves in the workshop

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Today's Featured Article - HowTo:Drive your car out of a lake

ScubaCar01

Parking your car in a lake is easy. Maybe you’ve left your car in neutral on a steep embankment next to a lake and gravity did the parking for you. You may have mistaken the lake for a rippling parking lot filled with cresting wave-like shopping carts. Or you parked your car in a ditch at the start of monsoon season and the lake sprang up around it. Regardless, the easy part is over. Now you face the more difficult challenge – getting the car back out of the lake. You could hire a tow truck to drive in after it, but that is a costly business. Similarly, a crane could be employed to retrieve your vehicle, provided it has ample bill length and unnatural avian strength. Or you could just drive your car out of the lake. Really, it’s the only rational choice.

To find your car, swim directly into the lake. If the car is floating it will be easy to spot, although some turtles may be mistaken for a floating car. If you find a turtle -- keep searching, as this is not your car but a reptilian imposter. If the car is sunken, the process for locating it is trickier. Sunken cars require scuba gear, a metal detector and, if the lake is dark, a strong flashlight. Now plumb the lake’s depths to locate your missing vehicle. If the metal detector or flashlight stop working, check the batteries.

Once you’ve found your car, you must get inside. If the car is floating, the act of getting inside may cause it to sink. This is a good thing, as you need the car to be at the bottom of the lake in order to drive it. (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article -

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Etiquette, featured on 14 February 2014. See the featured version.
Silent radio, featured on 14 February 2013. See the featured version.
UnNews:Tupperware Rave Is Huge Success, featured on 14 February 2012. See the featured version.
Blockbuster, featured on 14 February 2011. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
  • ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
  • ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
  • ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
  • ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
  • ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
  • ...that reindeer are never magical?
  • ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news

Crazy-Santa
  • Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
  • Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
  • Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
  • While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
  • The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
  • Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
  • Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
  • Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
  • Rudolph goes crazy
  • Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
  • Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
  • Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore

Recent Second Front Pages: GreeceHillary!UK election

On this day...

February 14: International Suck Day
  • 32 - Jesus Christ contracts bad case of crabs from Mary Magdalene.
  • 35 - New cure for crabs invented that does not involve crucifiction.
  • 69 - Two young lovers get it on in a groovy new position.
  • 269 - St Valentinus is castrated, horsewhipped and disembowelled. 1500 years later, this day is celebrated through romance.
  • 1799 - Bad pun day in history - Apparently, James Cook was killed on the Sandwich Islands. Historians aren't laughing.
  • 1852 - Ash Ketchum says "I choo choo choose you" to Ted Williamson shortly before his death by being hit by a train.
  • 1917 - In Soviet Russia, woe is you
  • 1994 - Canada successfully build space shuttle capable of flying back to Earth
  • 2000 - Some people are woefully alone on this day.
  • 2001 - Everyone who was woefully alone in 2000 is still alone on this day.
  • 2002 - They're still woefully alone.
  • 2003 - One of the people who is woefully alone proposes an alternative holiday, entitled Go Out With A Loser Who Has Never Had A Date Day. However, no girl will still talk to him.
  • 2004 - Not willing to give up, the guy who made the holiday in 2003 decides to make Trek-mance Connection. Now, even nerdy girls still won't talk to him, and everyone mocks his horrible naming skills.
  • 2005 - Lonely guy starts an Emo band. Bandmates ask him not to name the band. Girls still won't talk to him.
  • 2009 - St Valentinus is reborn and executed for the second time for molesting small farm animals.
  • 2010 - St Valentinus is reincarnated as a charismatic frog and gets away with years of outrageous self-abuse.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

War on Christmas
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Wotm
Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?

Noobaward

Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!


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