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Today's Featured Article - California


California is a huge proving ground of the United States of America on the Pacific Ocean. Although it has two Senators and hundreds of Reprehensibles in the U.S. House, it is not a state but an experimental mosh pit, where new social trends are refined before being unleashed on the nation. The current experiment is a full-body transfusion where a state's entire population is replaced by the population of Mexico.

What is now California was first settled by the Indians. Like eloping teenagers, the Indians came from somewhere else, but it seems they belong there and we don't. Over 70 distinct groups of Indians settled in the territory, where they developed Kachinka dolls, did rain dances, and hid from meteor showers. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring their shotguns, hot rods, and laptop computers, and they are now free to smoke-um peace-pipes and such on pristine reservations in the state's more barren regions.

The next arrivals were Spanish galleons. In 1565, a fleet called the Thrilla from Manila made unintended visits to California on their way back from somewhere else. In 1579, Francis Drake did better, not just visiting the region but going to the Land Office and filing a claim. Vizcaíno explored and mapped the area in 1602, and no one got the point, which is evident at every Town Planning Board: that every innocent "attempt to take accurate plots" is a plot to take over.

No one did, however, until Portolà explored in 1769. He never got anyone to help him with the backward accent over his name, but the Spaniards started setting up presidios, this long before they started turning up in movies. They also founded Los Angeles and San Jose, a place to make movies and a place to watch them, respectively. These were the first pueblos, though movie stars now shave them. San Jose became the "world's largest truck stop" long before the first tractor-trailer. (more...)

Recently featured: California

Yesterday's Featured Article - British ski jumpers

Eddie edwards3

The imperialist ambitions of the United Kingdom used to be expressed through colonisation of half of the known world and a complete exploitation of everything it had and it did not have to offer. Nowadays, this behaviour being virtually impossible due to the pressure from the part of the UN and NATO, the British decided to conquer the world of sports. Unfortunately, their plans are usually ruined by different countries, depending on what discipline Britain tries to compete in. In cricket the country is beaten by South Africa, in soccer by Italy and in ice hockey by most of the known countries, whether Northern or Southern. Such losses on multiple fronts have urged England to create several entirely new sports disciplines, which only the British would know how to compete at, notably "unsuccessful ski jumping". Unsuccessful ski jumping is roughly the same as the usual ski jumping with the only difference being the fact that British ski jumpers have, since the dawn of sports, been trained to fail. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured George Washington, featured on 30 November 2011. See the featured version.
Fuck ChiefjusticeDS, featured on 30 November 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
  • ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
  • ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
  • ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
  • ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
  • ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
  • ...that reindeer are never magical?
  • ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news

  • Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
  • Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
  • Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
  • While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
  • The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
  • Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
  • Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
  • Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
  • Rudolph goes crazy
  • Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
  • Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
  • Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore

Recent Second Front Pages: GreeceHillary!UK election

On this day...


November 30: Vandalize Wikipedia Day ON WHEELS!!!

  • NARF NARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • 53 - Roman general Steralusis accidentally steps in world's biggest pile of shit and is made Roman God of phoesis.
  • 1666 - Apparently, after good old Jack the Ripper offended the Jews with his shitty jokes, They unleashed the common cold onto London. Thousands die.
  • 1670 - The finger fuck day celebrated worldwide for the first time, after the discovery of male g-spot orgasm. Males all around the world commented "Now we also know that we can get an orgasm through multiple ways. We're not feeling inferior to females anymore, and it's great!"
  • 1825 - World's first railway line opens between Stockten and Darlington, England. Rail commuters are left waiting for a train until 1849. British Rail blames scheduled trackwork and weather for the delay.
  • 1900 - Oscar Wilde is fucking killed by Steve Ballmer. This then begins his career of making quotes about hundreds of Uncyclopedia articles.
  • 1950 Ron Jeremy loses virginity before he is born.
  • 1963 - Dalek invasion of Earth. US President JFK is accidentally exterminated when he is mistaken for Doctor Who. After being killed, JFK vows to put a man on Skaro before the summer of love.
  • 1984 - Big Brother finally assumes power - assumes power of levitation. His assumption was false, and he died trying to fly out of the window of his 6th storey one-room apartment in Brooklyn.
  • 1987 - Pac-Man dies of obesity in his home in California. Diet of dots and the ghosts of Christmas Past blamed.
  • 1998 - Bizarro, a confused being that randomly destroys stuff, accidentally stomps on an orphanage, thus, begins the 20 year Bizarrophan war.
  • 1999 - The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, but currently known as Wanker, decides that he'd rather party like it was 1983
  • 2034 - The great Aztek Reich of Nazi Mexico is established for 100,000,000,000,000 years.
  • 2002 - The documentary Harry Potter and The Chamber Pot of Secrets airs on BBC2. Controversy reigns when it is claimed that a budgetary hole just appeared like magic. Tony Blair disbands the Ministry of Magic and replaces it with a new portfolio, The Ministry of Sound.
  • 2005 - Cloud Strife, in a major change of disposition, does something.
  • 2006 - Thousands wait outside of WalMart to buy Microsoft Vista. However, was turn away when it was delayed for another 5 years.
  • 2007 - You are banned from Wikipedia, you cry.
  • 2010 - Volkswagen officially gives away the rights to use their logo (VW) to support Vandalize Wikipedia day.
  • Today - Some Dude rob another dude
  • Today - In Soviet Russia, Some Dude rob YOU!
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

War on Christmas
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

Recent Articles

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More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push | Great ideas

Writer and Noob of the Month

Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?


Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners Oh my god! There are no more days left! It's today or miss the boat to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

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