Babel:Santa

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Macy's Catalogue · The Big Nine · Santa Outfits · Ask Santa · Helpers · Goodwill

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Yesterday's Featured Article - Bureaucracy

Irelandbureau

Bureaucracy "No rest for the wicked," they say. Today had been the worst day of my life: my girlfriend had killed herself and stipulated in her suicide note that she was my long lost sister, with a PS that I should get tested for AIDS. Then I had gone to the clinic to get tested, and though I had come up negative, the doctor told me that they had accidentally used a dirty needle to take the blood sample, giving me a promotional brochure featuring many different medications that I would promptly have the privilege of choosing to fit my lifestyle.

Going for the Poo Lit Surprise Best Image with this one. In the shade of her voluminous pirate hat, the receptionist glared at me like just one of the many other personal insults that she had to put up with daily. "Hi," I began. "Uh, the vending machine swallowed my coin."

"Arr, it does that."

"Can you refund me please?"

"Flavoured Carbonated Glucose Solution Supply & Affairs department, 13th floor."

"What? 13th floor? Can't you just give me the money?"

"ARR, do ye be wanting to mess with this shit‽" she said with a threatening interrobang, narrowing her non-patched eye.

I backed off a step. "I didn't mean any offense, ma'am."

"Flavoured Carbonated Glucose Solution Supply & Affairs department, 13th floor."(more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured

Did you know...

  • ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
  • ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
  • ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
  • ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
  • ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
  • ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
  • ...that reindeer are never magical?
  • ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news

Crazy-Santa
  • Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
  • Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
  • Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
  • While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
  • The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
  • Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
  • Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
  • Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
  • Rudolph goes crazy
  • Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
  • Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
  • Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore

Second Front Pages: BrexitHillary!TrumpUK 2015 electionGreece

On this day...

August 24: Punch-a-Donkey-for-Jesus Day, Gatesmas (United States), Lysdexiac Awarenses Weke Ends
  • 1456 - The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed by Steve Gutenberg.
  • 1463 - Portuguese discovered to be mispronounced Spanish.
  • 1561 - Willem of Orange marries duchess Anna of Sherbert.
  • 1853 - Potato chips invented. This is hailed as a triumph, as it will finally permit people to get rid of the vast mountains of dip that clog the streets of Europe.
  • 1898 - Earth discovered to have a caramel center.
  • 1985 - Windows 95 is released.
  • 1996 - Anniversary of Windows 95: the first Gatesmas. Consumers celebrate by showering gifts on Bill Gates' house, including old fruit, bricks, dead cats and plastic explosives.
  • 1988 - Einstein formulates his award-winning theorem time=money.
  • 1991 - Top astro-economists determine that Einstein's theorem time=money cannot be reconciled with the recent developments in quantum economics.
  • 1997 - Speaking in front of 600,000 people in Washington, D.C., Phil Collins proclaims that he doesn't care anymore.
  • 2001 - Samuel L. Jackson punches a donkey so hard that jesus decides to induct him into heaven Samuel declines the offer because jesus refuses to let him bring his trademark "Bad Mother Fucker" wallet.
  • 2009 - George Bush arrested for poking badgers with spoons.
  • 2011 - Barack Obama wins Donkey Punching award by simply sitting in the Oval Office. This is also how he won his Nobel Peace Prize.
  • 2013 - Eeyore punches Winnie the Pooh, Jesus pissed.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

War on Christmas
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Wotm
Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?

Noobaward

Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!


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