Babel:Santa

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Today's Featured Article - Manchester, New Hampshire

Bridge Street Bridge

Manchester is the largest city in the U.S. state of New Hampshire. It is a placid city on the Merrimack River, or would be, except for the people living in it. It is among the top 248 cities in the United States, the tenth largest city in New England, and the largest U.S. city that starts with the letter M and is located in the Northern half of New England, bar none.

Its population in the 2010 census was 109,565. This rose to 110,448 in the 2014 estimate, which counts refugees from Muslim Africa that the Obama administration resettled in Manchester as a come-uppance to both the city and the refugees. Manchester would be home to one-third of New Hampshirites, if you threw in Nashua. If you added in a bunch of other cities and towns, everyone in New Hampshire would live in Manchester, and could spend all evening griping about the horns honking.

In 2009, CNN rated Manchester the 13th best city to live in. (A decade earlier, when it was 8th, there were billboards everywhere touting it, but times change.) Kiplinger voted Manchester the most tax-friendly city in America, except for Anchorage, Alaska, which one would spend the entire amount saved just getting to. Forbes Magazine has called Manchester "America's cheapest place to live, if you don't mind spending a little dough." (more...)

Recently featured: Manchester, New Hampshire

Yesterday's Featured Article -

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Rosetta Stone, featured on 24 August 2011. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
  • ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
  • ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
  • ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
  • ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
  • ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
  • ...that reindeer are never magical?
  • ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news

Crazy-Santa
  • Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
  • Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
  • Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
  • While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
  • The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
  • Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
  • Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
  • Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
  • Rudolph goes crazy
  • Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
  • Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
  • Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore

Second Front Pages: BrexitHillary!UK 2015 electionGreece

On this day...

August 24: Punch-a-Donkey-for-Jesus Day, Gatesmas (United States), Lysdexiac Awarenses Weke Ends
  • 1456 - The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed by Steve Gutenberg.
  • 1463 - Portuguese discovered to be mispronounced Spanish.
  • 1561 - Willem of Orange marries duchess Anna of Sherbert.
  • 1853 - Potato chips invented. This is hailed as a triumph, as it will finally permit people to get rid of the vast mountains of dip that clog the streets of Europe.
  • 1898 - Earth discovered to have a caramel center.
  • 1985 - Windows 95 is released.
  • 1996 - Anniversary of Windows 95: the first Gatesmas. Consumers celebrate by showering gifts on Bill Gates' house, including old fruit, bricks, dead cats and plastic explosives.
  • 1988 - Einstein formulates his award-winning theorem time=money.
  • 1991 - Top astro-economists determine that Einstein's theorem time=money cannot be reconciled with the recent developments in quantum economics.
  • 1997 - Speaking in front of 600,000 people in Washington, D.C., Phil Collins proclaims that he doesn't care anymore.
  • 2001 - Samuel L. Jackson punches a donkey so hard that jesus decides to induct him into heaven Samuel declines the offer because jesus refuses to let him bring his trademark "Bad Mother Fucker" wallet.
  • 2009 - George Bush arrested for poking badgers with spoons.
  • 2011 - Barack Obama wins Donkey Punching award by simply sitting in the Oval Office. This is also how he won his Nobel Peace Prize.
  • 2013 - Eeyore punches Winnie the Pooh, Jesus pissed.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

War on Christmas
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Wotm
Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?

Noobaward

Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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