Today's Featured Article - Neptune
Neptune is a planet. Its astronomical symbol is ♆, a stylized version of Devil's trident and it is said that this symbol was given to a planet by a satanist. Neptune is far away in this galaxy and is one of the 9... er... that is, 8 planets of the solar system. Pluto recently had to resign its planet title since it lost by KO to Neptune in an unification bout. One thing many people don't know is that Neptune actually has one ring like Saturn does but lost it and can't find the damn thing since it is its old engagement ring. As the marriage with Uranus was ailing, the couple soon broke up and Neptune took off its ring for some time. It's probably floating around the Solar system somewhere. Scientists say the spherical bunch of gas just doesn't seem to care.
Neptune is freezingly cold and has no atmosphere. Even though it is represented as a blue planet, it is actually darker than the darkest dark side of the moon because the Sun is so darn far away. Neptune often feels lonely because it knows deep in its guts that man will never reach it.(more...)
The Declaration of Gin-Dependence is an historically meaningless piece of parchment signed by thirteen of the foremost town drunks in a local tavern on the outskirts of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, just before the outbreak of the American Revolution. It is just like the famous Declaration of Independence except that it was signed in a pub by a small group of inconsequential, inebriated alcoholics rather than by dozens of the foremost citizens and statesmen of the American Colonies in a formal house of government. The two Declarations are also exactly alike except that the Declaration of Gin-Dependence hinges on irrational fear and mental impairment caused by physiological substance addiction, as opposed to impaired judgment and irrational fear caused by exposure to taxation without representation. Other than that, they have nothing in common.
All thirteen of the habitual drinkers who signed the Declaration of Gin-Dependence were part of the regular crowd that gathered every evening at Tom's Alehouse just off the Quaker Turnpike. At nine o'clock on a Saturday night early in 1776, each of the thirteen men drank two bottles of gin and began arguing over civil rights while projectile-vomiting. Their mood became increasingly dark as they succumbed to an alcoholic paranoia of the British (more...)
Did you know...
- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
In the news
- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
On this day...
December 6: International Day of the Jackal, Take Your Pants Off for Cancer Day (Utah, observed), Indifference Day (Finland), National Public Pooping Day (Denmark)
- 1865 - The USA ends slavery; immediately outsources slave labour to china at $0.06/hr and mexico at a variable rate.
- 1901 - Chicago woman gives birth to Walt Disney, who immediately sues her for copyright infringement.
- 1910 - The puzzle potato was nearly shoplifted by Winona Ryder from Lester B. Pearson's flaxen wool-works store. The event was made into hit a movie starring Gary Coleman as Winona Ryder.
- 1967 - The word "pwned" finally reaches its expiration date, according to the recently-unearthed original packaging.
- 1968 - Despite that, nobody stops using the word.
- 1969 - Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to play Calvinball on the Moon, outsmarting opponent and fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin by chanting an immunity poem (see:One Small Step) and planting his flag, automatically earning himself 144 Elephant gnuts and claiming the Rank of "Duke of Ham Sandwich". Some debate the legality of this play, questioning whether Armstrong was wearing his black mask under his space helmet, but Armstrong has silenced most of their criticisms through clever use of "Jinx!"
- 1975 - William Herbert explains Reimann symmetry in a quasi-formatic manifold to sea lions at a Dutch park.
- 1979 - The United Kingdom realizes Donkey Kong as a threat.
- 1982 - A law is passed in Botswana that not only legalizes but encourages the use of the bong.
- 1984 - A Botswanian man mixes a dangerous cocktail of toxic waste, Windex, triple-ply toilet paper and Leprechaun s'mores in his bong. The resulting smokes endow the man with the power to light his middle finger ablaze when using it for insult. In response, local Botswanians are quoted as saying, "Hmm."
- 2310 - Sea Lions begin developing Science Labs to discuss the great science God William Herbert
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