Babel:Santa

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31,510 elves in the workshop

Macy's Catalogue · The Big Nine · Santa Outfits · Ask Santa · Helpers · Goodwill

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Today's Featured Article -

Recently featured: Trump Tower

Yesterday's Featured Article - Trump Tower

Trump Tower 3
The Trump Tower is the Manhattan headquarters of the Trump Organization and home of U.S. President-elect Donald Trump, who lives with wife Melanoma in the penthouse bachelor pad. Though only the 64th tallest building in New York City, it is far better than all the others, so much better, you're going to see just how much better. It essentially is taller than all the rest. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Hippocrates, featured on 19 January 2014. See the featured version.
Cum Dumpster, featured on 19 January 2012. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
  • ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
  • ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
  • ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
  • ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
  • ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
  • ...that reindeer are never magical?
  • ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news

Crazy-Santa
  • Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
  • Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
  • Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
  • While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
  • The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
  • Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
  • Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
  • Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
  • Rudolph goes crazy
  • Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
  • Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
  • Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore

Second Front Pages: BrexitHillary!TrumpUK 2015 electionGreece

On this day...

January 19: Porn day
Braile

Porn in Braille

  • 7,998,824 BC - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs
  • 7,998,824 BC - Monkeys start to "spank the monkey"
  • 3000 BC - Egyptians invent papyrus.
  • 2999 BC - First pornographic papyrus, featuring Nefertiti. Men say they "just read it for the hieroglyphs".
  • 1450 - Gutenberg invents printing press, prints Gutenberg Bible
  • 1450 - Gutenberg invents a printing press capable of printing centerfolds
  • 1850 - Man invents photography
  • 1850 - First pornographic pictures.
  • 1953 - First Playboy, featuring Marilyn Monroe
  • 1953 - World suffers from a crippling shortage of hand lotion
  • 1970 - Presidential Commission on Obscenity and Pornography is convened to look into social effects of porn. After six straight weeks of reviewing pornographic materials, the members of the commission say they have come to no conclusions, and ask for six more months to study the issue.
  • 1971 - Man invents videos
  • 1971 - Man invents porn videos
  • 1971 - First porn video director becomes millionaire
  • 1982 - DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, begins research into a network that will allow porn to be transmitted even in the event of a nuclear attack. This network, ARPANET, is the precursor of the internet.
  • 1994 - Man invents world wide web
  • 1994 - Man invents porn web site
  • 1994 - First porn web site reaches 100 million hits. This is particularly impressive when you consider that only 5,000 people had web browsers at the time.
  • 2010 - Ugh that's better.
  • 2015 - The last male yak porn star dies and the month is renamed after his last partner.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

War on Christmas
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Wotm
Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?

Noobaward

Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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