Babel:Santa

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Welcome to Santapedia,
31,021 elves in the workshop

Macy's Catalogue · The Big Nine · Santa Outfits · Ask Santa · Helpers · Goodwill

Workshop · Best Toys · A–Z index (of children)

Today's Featured Article - Einstein's Theory of Relativity

Einstein

Einstein's Theory of Relativity as proposed in a joint paper by Albert Einstein and Jacques Lacan, states that all relatives in a family were only in their various positions in the family relative to one another in a fixed point in time or space. For instance, a father is a father to a child and he is a brother to his brother. Thus the same person is both a father and a brother, from two different points of view. This is of minimum use in Physics, but Einstein had lots of Ph.D.s and qualifications to make it sound really important, so people credited him with the discovery anyway.

As such, it was one of the most important inventions in history, paving the way for the temporal paradox, the engine which powers the Time machine used by Professor Marty McFly in his famous time travel documentary Forward to the Past.

Albert Einstein's 1905 rant On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies introduced the wild guess of relativity. Einstein's marketing agent suggested there may be some difficulty marketing a "wild guess," and in a brilliant marketing gambit, it was recast as a "Theory" or a "Principle."

While this principle was not new to Einstein's work, he found that putting a fork in the microwave oven may have seemed like fun, yet in the long run just ended up breaking the oven. The experiment was new, in its focus on placing various other objects in a microwave and seeing what happened. He found that the same power needed to spark a fork in the lab was equal to that required in a kitchen to be the same as that required to blow up a kitten, or melt a hydrated rose, regardless of their rotation or the motion of the body of food, flowers or fauna. Raindrops on roses and radiation on kittens were just a few of his favorite things. (more...)

Recently featured: Ted Cruz

Yesterday's Featured Article - Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz (born Rafael Edward Cruz) is the junior United States Senator from Texas. Elected in 2012 as a Republican, he is the first Hispanic or Cuban American to serve as a U.S. Senator from Texas. The term serve is used loosely, because he is running for President of the United States, and while running for President, he has very little time to fulfill his duties as a US Senator. Several analysts are concerned about his hopes in the current Presidential election because he does not actually qualify to be President in as much as he was born outside the United States as a Cuban Canadian, and the Constitution mandates that the President must be born within the US as a natural born citizen, but because that didn't stop President Obama, Cruz believes it will not be an issue for him either.

Christened Rafael Edward Cruz, he was born to Eleanor Elizabeth Darragh Wilson, and Rafael Bienvendo Cruz in Toronto, Canada on December 22, 1970. At the time Ted was born, his father worked in the oil industry in Canada. Rafael Cruz Sr. owned a company that processed seismic data for oil drillers and he was very gifted at processing the data until the oil drillers got the results they wanted. He had learned how to process data from his time in Cuba fighting with Castro's good ol' boys as an interpretation specialist. Any information that needed to be reinterpreted or processed went through Rafael Cruz Sr. before being sent out through official channels. Ted's Father left Cuba in 1957 to attend the University of Texas where "I got me some learnin'", as he would say on graduation in one of his humorous attempts to imitate a Texas drawl.

Cruz's mother, Eleanor Wilson Cruz, was born and raised in Wilmington, Delaware, of Irish and Italian descent, and she has the typical temperament of someone with that heritage, or at least the temperament of an average mother. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Drawing, featured on 26 May 2014. See the featured version.
Political correctness, featured on 26 May 2012. See the featured version.
HowTo:Annoy Richard Dawkins, featured on 26 May 2011. See the featured version.
Spider, featured on 26 May 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
  • ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
  • ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
  • ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
  • ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
  • ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
  • ...that reindeer are never magical?
  • ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news

Crazy-Santa
  • Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
  • Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
  • Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
  • While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
  • The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
  • Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
  • Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
  • Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
  • Rudolph goes crazy
  • Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
  • Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
  • Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore

On this day...

Pantsonhead

May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day

  • 1907 - Vauxhall Bridge is opened in Beijing.
  • 1958 - Yamahachi "Iron Chef Iron Shavings" Tsuharo is born in Cape Town, South Africa.
  • 1963 - Unicorns are discovered in Portugal.
  • 1963 - Unicorns are extinct in Portugal.
  • 1973 - "Let's not celebrate this day" festival is celebrated for the first and last time.
  • 1979 - The Afro haircut becomes compulsory in the 48 contiguous states. (Alaska follows suit in 1983.)
  • 1980 - Spain Declares war on Pope "Eggs benedict IV" for previous remarks
  • 1981 - Boy George is proclaimed Queen of England.
  • 1982 - Boy George is deposed in violent uprising of bagpipe makers.
  • 1985 - Peter Pan spins in his grave as Michael Jackson's Neverland is built.
  • 1999 - The Y2K Bug dies squashed under a rock.
  • 2002 - Mars Odyssey ship finds signs of rocks on the planet Mars.
  • 2003 - First Masked Avenger found drunk lying in a puddle with dead hooker in lap. Law suits ensue and first official 'Sue a Super' day commences.
  • 2004 - The Vienna Boys Choir release a choral version of "Whip It !" that ranks #22 on the Billboard.
  • 2011 - Somebody uses the word 'bacon' in a sentence.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

War on Christmas
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

Recent Articles

Chuck E. Cheese's | Metadata | Mutant | Jamie Bryson | Darkhad | Arthur (show) (rw) | Fart rape | Tom Brady (rw) | New meat from the Surprise Me! Spring Festival: Ted Cruz | Box-spring | Chamber pot | Coming soon | First-past-the-post voting | Hurricane | Noble gases | Tenshi Hinanawi | Grassington | Whey | Granny Smith | Katie Hopkins | Audiophile | Tofurkey | Debug (film) | Jelly beans | Scurvy | Selfie stick | Al Stewart | Ð | Miniaturization | Magazine | Turtle


More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push | Great ideas

Writer and Noob of the Month

Wotm
Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?

Noobaward

Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners You only have 5 (Five) more days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

Uncyclopedia's sista projects

Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects.
UnNews Logo Potato (No text) UnNews
The news source on crack
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext Uncyclopedia
The content-free encyclopedia
Undictionary Logo Text Undictionary
The ick!tionary of all things best left unsaid
UnTunes2 UnTunes
Where noisy things can live and prosper
Game-Logo notext Games
Another way to waste time
Gorillatrans HowTo
Instructions and guides for anything and everything
Unbooks-logo notext UnBooks
Content-free books
Unquotable-logo-en vector notext Unquotable
Useless misquotes galore
Uncycloversity-logo-notext Uncycloversity
If it makes sense, we don't want it
UnPoetialogo UnPoetia
Poetry for people who hate poetry
Undebate logo UnDebate
Debating all the irrelevant issues
UnScripts UnScripts
We can ruin stage and film too
Why Why?
Don't make me explain it to you twice
UnReviewsLogo UnReviews
We'll tell you why things suck
Uncyclomedia Commons notext UnCommons
Broken media repository


Uncyclopedia Languages

This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 31,021 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext
Uncyclopedia
English
United Kingdom
W17x11 30557
Desciclopédia
Português
Brazil
45286
アンサイクロペディア
日本語
Japan
18180
Nonsensopedia
Polski
Poland
W17x11 16666
Nonciclopedia
Italiano
Italy
W17x11 13518
Wiki it
1dÉ
Désencyclopédie
Français
France
W17x11 8364
Inciclopedia
Español
Spain
W17x11 10392
偽基百科
正體中文
Taiwan
5720
Uncyclopedia.de
Deutsch
Germany
W17x11 Unknown
Hikipedia
Suomi
Finland
7614
Hikipedia
Pagecount statistics listed above were updated on September 3, 2014.

Protected by the Fair Use Clause, and an elite clan of psychotic reindeer.

Personal tools
projects