Babel:Santa

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Today's Featured Article - Scam letter

Money

A special letter from your friend. Dear <insert name here>. Forgive my indignation if this mesage comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel.

I got this web page from the professional Journal when I was searching for a reliable foreigner who would assist me invest the fund which my husband left before her sudden death. After series of prayers/fasting, I was divinely directed to contact you among other names found in the Journal, I believe that God has a way of helping who is in a problem and nobody on earth was born without problem and every problem has a divine solution.

In a brief I am Mrs Jane Mupesa, wife to Ndoga Mupesa of Chiweshe ward in Muzarabani, Mashonaland Central province, who was allegedly killed in cold blood on 5th april 2001 in a ghastly plane crash on the Sagbama Express road by alleged Zanu PF militias and war veterans for supporting the (Mr Morgan Tsvangirai) Movement for Democratic Change, an opposition party to the tyranny Government of President Robert Mugabe.

Before my husband death as if he foresee what is going to happen to his life, he handed over to me all the documents of money he deposited with private security companies in Europe and Africa as personal effects in disguise ranging from $25.5 Million United States dollars. I have decided to leave my country due to threats on me and my family and seizure of all my husband property including my travelling documents by Mugabe government agents. (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - UnScripts:Oedipus Rex Rides Again

OedipusKing2

Oedipus Rex Rides Again is a classical masterpiece that has inspired little discussion amongst those normally interested in such works. Written by Sophocles' sister, Sophoclesis, in 300 BC or shortly thereafter, the play has always been included in any remarkable library - yet strangely avoided. Since Uncyclopedia avoids nothing, the time has come to bring this magnificent piece of our cultural heritage to light.

Classical literature (as everyone knows) was born from a screaming need (circa 500 BC). Authors of the period simply had to write something, anything at all. They didn't bother with complicated plots or many-faceted characters. The main thing was to get literature going, and so they created a plethora of one-track-minded heroes hell-bent on destroying whatever happened to annoy them even slightly. Arguably, the Iliad, the Odyssey, and the Holy Bible are the best examples of classical literature to have survived the storms of the ages, the burning of libraries, the rampage of the Vandals, and other calamities the Fates so nonchalantly dealt our way.

To survive through centuries, a text has to be valid in any era. A good example is the chapters in the Bible that describe the building of a prayer tent. Another equally valuable piece of wisdom are the words Achilles aims at his friend Polycarbon: "Go to the mount Ida and seek the hermit living there, o friend, and ask him to gather parsley, sticks of sycamore, and a tusk of a wild boar, not older than five years, not younger than six. Tell him to mix these ingredients in a large cauldron and piss onto them. Let the dogs not drink the potion but store it in a dry, cool place." (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Dragon Warrior, featured on 8 April 2009. See the featured version.Dragon Warrior, featured on {{{date}}}. See the featured version.
Québec, featured on 31 July 2011. See the featured version.
UnTweets:Odysseus, featured on 31 July 2010. See the featured version.
Five tough life lessons I wouldn't have had to learn if I had listened to Flood by They Might Be Giants, featured on 31 July 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
  • ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
  • ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
  • ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
  • ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
  • ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
  • ...that reindeer are never magical?
  • ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news

Crazy-Santa
  • Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
  • Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
  • Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
  • While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
  • The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
  • Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
  • Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
  • Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
  • Rudolph goes crazy
  • Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
  • Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
  • Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore

On this day...

Fattwins

July 31: Feast of St. Leslie Nielsen (Uncyclopedia)

  • 781 - The oldest redorced eruption of noted volcano Mt. Fuji occurs, raining the Japanese countryside with scorched lenses and bits of charred film.
  • 1498 - Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, still refuses to ask for directions to India.
  • 1588 - The Spanish Armada is spotted off of England; very few were expecting said Inquisition.
  • 1919 - Germany's Weimar Constitution and Other Fables is penned.
  • 1921 - The International Astronomical and Astrological Society dubs Gemini (pictured) to be the most revered of all constellations.
  • 1947 - Jingo Grand Championship: India headbutts the UK negating its win of 1858. Mahatma Gandhi is named player of the year and becomes the first to claim "I'm going to Disney World".
  • 1951 - V.S. Pritchett publishes Mr. Beluncle, which quickly became a minor classic among English readers, yet was not well supported by American critics who responded with silly faces and much brow-furrowing.
  • 1992 - Harry Potter is born.
  • 3491 - Third Robot invasion of U.S. capital Grand Forks, North Dakota is repelled by soldiers under the leadership of president George Bush XXVI.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

War on Christmas
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Wotm
Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?

Noobaward

Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners Oh my god! There are no more days left! It's today or miss the boat to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

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