Today's Featured Article - Accountant
An accountant is a professional who sits in an office all day doing a few sums. Most college students aspire to be accountants, as playing on a computer is cool, though it would be cooler if they paid you to use World of Warcraft instead of Excel. College students with physical gifts do not aspire to be accountants, and may wind up hiring a couple. If being boring were an Olympic sport, accountants would always take home the gold.
Webster tells us that an accountant "understands the cost of everything and the value of nothing."
It is not clear why we should give such credence to Webster, apart from the fact that he has eight accountants working for him: Webster has to go stronger to the hoop and learn to box out his man. At any rate, it is not true that accountants understand the value of nothing. For example, they intimately understand the value of having the total at the bottom of the left-hand column equal the total at the bottom of the right-hand column, just as line employees at McDonald's understand the value of putting the hamburger in the Styrofoam box before handing it to the customer. To mix metaphors, it is their bread and butter. (more...)
Hello! My name is Lord Waltherington Spatula. You might have heard of me from either the news coverage of the tragic tram accident that lost me my arms, or the crown court trial where I was declared mentally incompetent after crashing a tram.
I see you're interested in Making up Oscar Wilde Quotes. I was like you once, so very long ago. If you wish to learn as I did then there is only one way. Step forward, my lovely assistant, Oscar.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best
He's such a card. Yes that's right, it turns out rumours of Oscar's death were greatly overstated as he's here, with me, in this booth, behind these curtains where you couldn't possibly see him. So, Oscar, why don't you tell everyone what they will need to get started?
Be warned in time, James, and remain, as I do, incomprehensible: to be great is to be misunderstood (more...)
Did you know...
- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
In the news
- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
On this day...
April 16: Stationary Banana Slug Riding Day
- 1560 BC - Moses forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
- 1178 BC - Odysseus, legendary King of Ithaca, returns to his kingdom after the Trojan War. Cornellians giggle uncontrollably.
- 1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love; sloppy seconds are had after Mr. Lincoln keeps his promise that the South Shall Rise Again!
- 1867 - Queen Victoria considers ending her mourning phase, but continues on: "Why spoil a good time?"
- 1878 - Joseph Stalin is born.
- 1889 - Future German dictator, Charles Spencer Chaplin, is born.
- 1927 - A good day to be born if you are the leader of a world religion with the maddest gaze in human history.
- 1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
- 1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union. Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
- 1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an 'estupit beach' on national television.
- 1972 - At the age of 69, actress Sharon Stone gets a star on the Walk of Fame.
- 1991 - US federal law passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
- 2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
- 2007 - Donald Trump pardons the 2007 "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest winner for her objectable behavior.
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