Babel:Santa

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Welcome to Santapedia,
30,689 elves in the workshop

Macy's Catalogue · The Big Nine · Santa Outfits · Ask Santa · Helpers · Goodwill

Workshop · Best Toys · A–Z index (of children)

Today's Featured Article - The Doctor is IN

The doctor is in

The twin colossi of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, were two of a kind; bearded nineteenth century, middle European poop-obsessives. It is no surprise, therefore, that for many the standard image of the psychoanalyst is of a heavily accented pervert who assumes his own deviant sexual interest in his mother is universal. Had Jung and Freud been the only model of the Psychoanalyst it seems unlikely that the profession would ever have gained the high esteem that it holds today in modern USA. For that a more approachable, more wholesome, more American Psychoanalyst would be required. But who could fill the role?

Until the early 1900’s the only advice available to those several shots short of a piss-up was to pull themselves together and not make a scene (still the standard prescription for British sufferers of scrambled synapse syndrome). Following the publication of Freud’s masterpiece “Ihre Mutter” (Your Mom), however, the nation was awash with professionals expensively inviting you to blame yourself for your problems and to enrol yourself on a thirty month course of “talking therapy”. Who but the wealthy could afford bad advice at $100 an hour? The profession seemed about to founder when the late 1950s saw the arrival of Doctor Lucille Van Pelt, dispenser of bad advice for a mere five cents a session.

Despite a lack of formal qualifications beyond Grade School within years Van Pelt had diagnosed the mental issues of her fellow Peanuts co-stars and realised the pain behind the smiles of so many others who are paid to entertain us in the burgeoning cartoon industry. The Doctor was IN. (more...)

Recently featured: The Doctor is IN - Bluestocking

Yesterday's Featured Article - Bluestocking

Bluestocking01

The Bluestockings were a group of lesbians from the 18th century with foot fetishes who had a discreet code for recognising each other—wearing blue stockings—hence their society's title. Just like many other societies of the modern era, the group had certain criteria that were to be checked for and met during the prospective bluestocking's initiation ceremony: a prestigious education, literacy, a state of good birth, a substantial lot of money and some measure of political influence were always considered by the madams who admit new members, but these were not nearly as important as the possession of a vagina dentata, at least 10cm² of pubic hair, a sworn hatred of her husband, an apartment large enough to have an orgy in and a pair of blue stockings.

The founding of the society by "Queen of the Blues" Bessie Smith in 1748 was said to be a woman's answer to the ever-growing popularity of the Gentleman's Club, where respectable homosexual gentlemen would frolic and read newspapers. Other than doing dominatrix-related antics, the ladies would read the classics such as Virgil or Homer, discuss politics (local issues such as refuse collection lapses or corruption within the ranks of refuse collectors), and lament upon how awful Edward Gibbon was in the sack. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Rubik's Cube, featured on 2 October 2013. See the featured version.
Lasagne, featured on 2 October 2012. See the featured version.
Salsa (music), featured on 2 October 2010. See the featured version.
Gemeentevervoerbedrijf, featured on 2 October 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
  • ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
  • ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
  • ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
  • ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
  • ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
  • ...that reindeer are never magical?
  • ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news

Crazy-Santa
  • Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
  • Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
  • Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
  • While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
  • The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
  • Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
  • Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
  • Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
  • Rudolph goes crazy
  • Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
  • Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
  • Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore

On this day...

Oday

October 2: Orgasm Day

  • 1835 - The Texas Revolution begins where the Mexican soldiers attempt to disarm the people of Gonzales, Texas to stop them reaching orgasm, but encounter stiff resistance from a hastily assembled pornography stockpile.
  • 1870 - The Great Tomato War begins
  • 1876 - Six women are killed in test of first steam-powered vibrator. It's inventor, Havelock Schtumpf, is never seen again.
  • 1889 - In Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich during the last great orgasm boom of the American old west.
  • 1919 - US President Woodrow Wilson reaches orgasm and suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
  • 1924 - The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the length of male orgasm.
  • 1949 - 500,000 male steel workers win improved retirement benefits, orgasms.
  • 1956 - The beginning of the great orgasm shortage.
  • 1966 - The orgasm shortage ends, around 2 billion people all orgasm at the same time, vibrating the earth closer to the sun by around 500 miles. Scientists predict a slow and steady increase in global temperature.
  • 1985 - I invent the orgasm. Repeatedly. With your mom.
  • 1986 - Your Mum jokes get old. Again.
  • 1995 - Someone in Paris orgasms. Rioting ensues.
  • 1996 - Furbies debut, eating the souls of the overpriveledged.
  • 2013 - Chuck Norris orgasms, man is wiped out.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

War on Christmas
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

Recent Articles

Banh Shop | Worst bumper stickers | Firesheep | Lava lamp | Ebola | Brick (rw) | Chess | Food (rw) | Please unblock me | My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection | Elizabeth Warren | Essex | Caliphate | Office etiquette (rw) | Barcelona | Antigonish, N.S. | Navelism | Cutter® (rw) | Rutherford B. Hayes | Netflix | Pink slime | Battle of Bosworth | The 100 | Twelve Tables | Jam session | New Jersey | Keynesianism (rw) | George R. R. Martin | Wat Tyler | Father Ted | Andorra


More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push | Great ideas

Writer and Noob of the Month

Wotm
Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?

Noobaward

Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Uncyclopedia's sista projects

Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects.
UnNews Logo Potato (No text) UnNews
The news source on crack
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext Uncyclopedia
The content-free encyclopedia
Undictionary Logo Text Undictionary
The ick!tionary of all things best left unsaid
UnTunes2 UnTunes
Where noisy things can live and prosper
Game-Logo notext Games
Another way to waste time
Gorillatrans HowTo
Instructions and guides for anything and everything
Unbooks-logo notext UnBooks
Content-free books
Unquotable-logo-en vector notext Unquotable
Useless misquotes galore
Uncycloversity-logo-notext Uncycloversity
If it makes sense, we don't want it
UnPoetialogo UnPoetia
Poetry for people who hate poetry
Undebate logo UnDebate
Debating all the irrelevant issues
UnScripts UnScripts
We can ruin stage and film too
Why Why?
Don't make me explain it to you twice
UnReviewsLogo UnReviews
We'll tell you why things suck
Uncyclomedia Commons notext UnCommons
Broken media repository


Uncyclopedia Languages

This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 30,689 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext
Uncyclopedia
English
United Kingdom
W17x11 30557
Desciclopédia
Português
Brazil
45286
アンサイクロペディア
日本語
Japan
18180
Nonsensopedia
Polski
Poland
W17x11 16666
Nonciclopedia
Italiano
Italy
W17x11 13518
Wiki it
1dÉ
Désencyclopédie
Français
France
W17x11 8364
Inciclopedia
Español
Spain
W17x11 10392
偽基百科
正體中文
Taiwan
5720
Uncyclopedia.de
Deutsch
Germany
W17x11 Unknown
Hikipedia
Suomi
Finland
7614
Hikipedia
Pagecount statistics listed above were updated on September 3, 2014.

Protected by the Fair Use Clause, and an elite clan of psychotic reindeer.

Personal tools
projects