Today's Featured Article -
In a world without the benefit of the internet it could take decades for cat memes to circulate throughout Europe while an email could take several months to deliver - a speed surpassed by AOL as long ago as 2014. So how could news be efficiently spread to an illiterate, turnip-obsessed public? The answer was to use illustrations to convey complex ideas. Chaucer himself records the latest treatise on hamster rearing arriving in Chichester and the peasantry pouring over its sage advice even while they coughed out their intestines during the Great Scratching Sickness of 1364.
Hygiene standards were low in the Medieval World, leading to endemic dysentery and a consequent chronic paper shortage. Scribes took the sensible decision to pass on their knowledge in the spaces alongside the script of a popular self-help book of the day, The Holy Bible. The superstitious psycho-babble of this frankly bizarre publication now seems as incomprehensible as it is dated, but the wisdom of the Medieval Marginalia often hidden in its darkest corners speaks to us down the ages.
Did you know...
...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
...that reindeer are never magical?
...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
In the news
Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
On this day...
October 1: Winter Paradox (Eastern Hemisphere), Contagious Disease Appreciation Day
1/0 AD - I was born... My name is "undefined"
331 BC - Alexander the Great defeats Darius III of Persia in the Battle of the Bands.
1987 - Malaysia :the smartest guy born in Sibu.
1890 - 'Yosemite Sam' National Park established.
1919 - Woodrow Wilson falls down the White House stairs and is the first President to lose use of his left big toe.
1928 - The Soviet Union introduces its first Five-Year Plan, which is to come up with another five year plan in five years.
1930 - "October 1 day" celebrated in Paris. Rioting ensues.
1960 - Nigeria gains independence from the United Kingdom. This event is celebrated by a solemn ten seconds of not sending spam emails.
1962 - Riots in Mississippi as Alabama wins the "America's most racist state" award. Alabama's victory brought to an end Mississippi's 30-year winning streak. 
1963 - Intelligent design is no longer taught in schools after the California State Board of Education is created.
1964 - The Free Speech Movement is launched on the campus of University of California, Berkeley. Previously students had been charged up to a nickle per syllable for each word uttered.
1971 - Orlando, Florida founded after settlers discover Walt Disney World.
1975 - Muhammed Ali declared the eventual winner against Joe Frazier in a fight dubbed the "Battle in Guadacanal".
1979 - The Hunt For Red October officially began. It was supposed to start on September 28th, but they waited a couple of days to save them changing the name.
1998 - Raccoon City is destroyed by three cruise missiles and repeated aerial bombardment in an attempt to contain a T-Virus outbreak
2003 - Bournemouth recognised as a city by the British government, entire world shocked.
2004 - In a desperate bid to diversify its business Microsoft engineers and a team from Wigan University, England invent the pineapple chunk.
2005 - Official Reminder: September has now ended. Now is an appropriate time to wake up Billie Joe from Green Day.
2007 - 12 men celebrate Man Flu by going on an all night bender, only 5 survive, a doctor prescribes reruns of Match Of The Day and plenty of Nuts magazines.a.j hastings willingly raped by 24 men
2007 - Punch me in the Nuts Barney is launched and instantly becomes a sell-out.
2009 - Swine Flu kills everybody but the Republican leaders. They die soon afterward due to the fact they never learned how to feed themselves.
1973 - Richard nixon crowned worlds sexiest man; Rioting ensues.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.
Today's featured picture
As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.
Writer and Noob of the Month
Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
Isn't Santa wonderful?
Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia.
OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!
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