From the Editor:
"My fellow Christians. I am pleased to welcome a man who needs only a brief introduction to our humble news site today. Pat Robertson has long lead the fight to bring truth to people, and today, I am happy to announce that Pat Robertson has faxed me a little something that he wrote."
Pat Robertson's Appeal to Good Christians:
"Brothers and sisters, hello. As you may note by the macabre decorations and glut of candy on the shelves of mercantalist and secular general interest stores, yet another installment of All Hallows Eve is upon us. Due to the reverent nature of this night, one would expect that every person acquainted with the Good Book of the Lord would be at home, saying a candlelight vigil for the coming of one of the Church's most holy days, All Saint's Day. However, as most of you, my brethren, know, this is not the case.
The pagan ritual of All Hallows Eve, long dismissed by the church, is known to good Christians as the day before All Saint's Day (a holy day of obligation, as you all know, so get to church!). But even the disgusting excuses for human beings that we so kindly call "the most hedonistic and useless forms of life God ever breathed life into" would be absolutely horrified by this travesty that is "Halloween".
I spit on this Halloween! I spit on it, rub its face in the dirt, tell it to autofellate, and then kill it, in the name of God. According to Exodus 32:7-10: "...they have become depraved. They have soon turned aside from the way I pointed out to them....Let me alone, then, that my wrath may blaze up against them to consume them!" So, you see, the omnipotent Lord has spoken to us directly through the Bible! He is denouncing Halloween, in one of the very first books of Scripture!
Just as the golden calf in the passage mentioned above (surely you know how the story goes, and if you don't you are not a true God-fearing man), the disgusting perverts who have desecrated our reverent vigil are pigs. They will burn in God's firey hell, where they will be forced to do the hard labor they previously forced upon Mexican people! Those who celebrate this "holiday" shall join them in this eternal pain and suffering, and indeed will deserve it.
No, God is not willing to forgive those of you who, instead of joyously waiting a day of mass liturgy on the coming of all saints, cry out for pleasure lest you hand out debauchery in wrath. Who are we to speak as if we are God, telling people what to do, what is wrong and right? Doing this, you are worshipping yourself over God, and according to Yahweh Himself: "That's just wrong"
But as good Christians, we needn't despair! Men, make your wife prepare an evening of reverence and prayer. Women, do as you are told and go above and beyond, lest you disappoint your husband. Children, bow your heads in prayer throughout your school day and do not speak when spoken to. Black people, hide yourself and pray for mercy. The best way to avoid disgrace is to not associate with people, all ye who are faithful. Though they need us to be saved, we do not need them, nor should we want them.
Ignore the disgrace that is Halloween. Ignore all those who choose to follow its false truths. We are a people of God. It is time to start acting as such.