Today's featured corpse
COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)
Yesterday's featured corpse
Lana Del Rey (species: cantante melancholica) is an American singer, songwriter, and model, whose brand of melancholy has become an anthem of sorts to millions of effeminate men who dote on the songstress though none of them would ever ask her out on a date. Lana defeated Beyonce and Marina and the Diamonds for that honor, winning a fistfight on the grounds of Coachella in 2012. Her song Video Games spread quickly over the Internet among emotional teenagers and melodramatic gamers.
She has caused spikes in flower sales in cities that she performs in. During one of her shows, the lawn seats were covered with over 30,000 flowers after a performance, which surely owes to more than just the patrons' restless legs syndrome.
Lana Del Rey also influenced the 2015 Obergefell v. Hodges decision after releasing This is What Makes Us Gays, a song celebrating gender activism a few years earlier. Justice Anthony Kennedy said he was inspired by the song and gave her a "shout-out" in his majority opinion. Late Justice Potter Stewart emerged from the crypt to write a concurring opinion, stating, "I can't describe it but I know solid gold when I hear it!!!"
Her first album under her stage name Lana Del Rey, Born to Die, was released in January of 2012 and it received mixed reviews. Rolling Stoners called it "more fun than lung cancer", while more critical reviews called it "sad in an unintended way" and "worse than Smurfs 2". Later that year, Lana Del Rey released the Paradise EP along with her short film Tropico. The film unironically casted actors to play the parts of Jesus, Elvis Presley, and Marilyn Monroe in the opening scene, which perfectly predicted the quality of the whole film. 2014 saw the release of Ultraviolence and Lana's attempt to be taken seriously among songs such as "Saddest Girl" and "Sucked My Way Up to the Top".
Did you know...
|*...that there is no other word for thesaurus?
- Some allege life after Brexit
| |July 26:
Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan
- 3400 B.C. - Cave man punch woman. then laugh
- 589 - King Arthur declares himself King of England after usingExcalibur to hit his woman
- 657 - Battle of Siffin. Theys was Diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, Bitch?
- 790 - The practice of "back handing" starts in Europe as a cure for the women talking. It has a success rate of 80%.
- 810 - The practice of "back handing" ends in Europe as reports of excessive clean houses increases.
- 1521 - Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
- 1524 - Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
- 1536 - King Henry VIII of England takes Punch Your Girlfriend day to new extremes, by killing two of his wives.
- 1590 - Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
- 1792 - The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while they were drunk singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. We take one down, pass it around, and 98 bottles of beer on the wall..."
- 1812 - The War of 1812 starts as an 18 year old young British boy gets in a fist fight with a 12 year old American. The two nations get involved as they send reinforcements to help the children.
- 1834 - The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases."
- 1870 - The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
- 1956 - Harry Belafonte impregnated by deadly black tarantula . Shari Belafonte born among bunch of bananas.
- 1966 - Bloblobo, king of Bababa, knights, Bob the salesmen for his studies in the field of OhmygodIforgottochangemyboxersology.
- 1974 - A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
- 1988 - Reading in terror - Godzilla is born in the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
- 1994 - O.J. Simpson takes "punch your girlfriend day" a step further.
- 1997 - Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
- 2000 - 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
- 2007 - The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles, The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
- 2008 - Max Mosley celebrates "punch your girlfriend day". Dressed as a Nazi prison guard.
- 2089 - Chuck Norris punches girlfriend. Wakes dentist and long-deceased great-great-great-great grandfather Odysseus.
- 3001 - Justin Bieber's preserved remains finally hit puberty.
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