Today's Featured Article - California
California is a huge proving ground of the United States of America on the Pacific Ocean. Although it has two Senators and hundreds of Reprehensibles in the U.S. House, it is not a state but an experimental mosh pit, where new social trends are refined before being unleashed on the nation. The current experiment is a full-body transfusion where a state's entire population is replaced by the population of Mexico.
What is now California was first settled by the Indians. Like eloping teenagers, the Indians came from somewhere else, but it seems they belong there and we don't. Over 70 distinct groups of Indians settled in the territory, where they developed Kachinka dolls, did rain dances, and hid from meteor showers. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring their shotguns, hot rods, and laptop computers, and they are now free to smoke-um peace-pipes and such on pristine reservations in the state's more barren regions.
The next arrivals were Spanish galleons. In 1565, a fleet called the Thrilla from Manila made unintended visits to California on their way back from somewhere else. In 1579, Francis Drake did better, not just visiting the region but going to the Land Office and filing a claim. Vizcaíno explored and mapped the area in 1602, and no one got the point, which is evident at every Town Planning Board: that every innocent "attempt to take accurate plots" is a plot to take over.
No one did, however, until Portolà explored in 1769. He never got anyone to help him with the backward accent over his name, but the Spaniards started setting up presidios, this long before they started turning up in movies. They also founded Los Angeles and San Jose, a place to make movies and a place to watch them, respectively. These were the first pueblos, though movie stars now shave them. San Jose became the "world's largest truck stop" long before the first tractor-trailer. (more...)
The imperialist ambitions of the United Kingdom used to be expressed through colonisation of half of the known world and a complete exploitation of everything it had and it did not have to offer. Nowadays, this behaviour being virtually impossible due to the pressure from the part of the UN and NATO, the British decided to conquer the world of sports. Unfortunately, their plans are usually ruined by different countries, depending on what discipline Britain tries to compete in. In cricket the country is beaten by South Africa, in soccer by Italy and in ice hockey by most of the known countries, whether Northern or Southern. Such losses on multiple fronts have urged England to create several entirely new sports disciplines, which only the British would know how to compete at, notably "unsuccessful ski jumping".
Unsuccessful ski jumping is roughly the same as the usual ski jumping with the only difference being the fact that British ski jumpers have, since the dawn of sports, been trained to fail. (more...)
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On this day
November 30: Vandalize Wikipedia Day ON WHEELS!!!
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- 53 - Roman general Steralusis accidentally steps in world's biggest pile of shit and is made Roman God of phoesis.
- 1666 - Apparently, after good old Jack the Ripper offended the Jews with his shitty jokes, They unleashed the common cold onto London. Thousands die.
- 1670 - The finger fuck day celebrated worldwide for the first time, after the discovery of male g-spot orgasm. Males all around the world commented "Now we also know that we can get an orgasm through multiple ways. We're not feeling inferior to females anymore, and it's great!"
- 1825 - World's first railway line opens between Stockten and Darlington, England. Rail commuters are left waiting for a train until 1849. British Rail blames scheduled trackwork and weather for the delay.
- 1900 - Oscar Wilde is fucking killed by Steve Ballmer. This then begins his career of making quotes about hundreds of Uncyclopedia articles.
- 1950 Ron Jeremy loses virginity before he is born.
- 1963 - Dalek invasion of Earth. US President JFK is accidentally exterminated when he is mistaken for Doctor Who. After being killed, JFK vows to put a man on Skaro before the summer of love.
- 1984 - Big Brother finally assumes power - assumes power of levitation. His assumption was false, and he died trying to fly out of the window of his 6th storey one-room apartment in Brooklyn.
- 1987 - Pac-Man dies of obesity in his home in California. Diet of dots and the ghosts of Christmas Past blamed.
- 1998 - Bizarro, a confused being that randomly destroys stuff, accidentally stomps on an orphanage, thus, begins the 20 year Bizarrophan war.
- 1999 - The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, but currently known as Wanker, decides that he'd rather party like it was 1983
- 2034 - The great Aztek Reich of Nazi Mexico is established for 100,000,000,000,000 years.
- 2002 - The documentary Harry Potter and The Chamber Pot of Secrets airs on BBC2. Controversy reigns when it is claimed that a budgetary hole just appeared like magic. Tony Blair disbands the Ministry of Magic and replaces it with a new portfolio, The Ministry of Sound.
- 2005 - Cloud Strife, in a major change of disposition, does something.
- 2006 - Thousands wait outside of WalMart to buy Microsoft Vista. However, was turn away when it was delayed for another 5 years.
- 2007 - You are banned from Wikipedia, you cry.
- 2010 - Volkswagen officially gives away the rights to use their logo (VW) to support Vandalize Wikipedia day.
- Today - Some Dude rob another dude
- Today - In Soviet Russia, Some Dude rob YOU!
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