Oscar's Chosen Article
Today's Featured Article -
Dear unwanted, ungrateful bastard who I didn't want to raise but still did because abortion was still against the law when you were born.
Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.
First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.
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Why was I born with such contemporaries?
October 19: Feast of Saint Roger (Estonia). Feast of Rogering Saints (Bulgaria).
- 24 CE - Saint Roger invites his chums to his residence, Gobblewood Mansion, and holds a feast.
- 26 CE - Saint Roger gets raped by hillbillies while on holiday in Bulgaria.
- 121 - Saint Roger is canonized by the pope, the anti-pope, the ant pope and the pope's auntie.
- 568 - Children in a field see a vision of Saint Roger in the sky. Not knowing who it is, they chuck rocks at him.
- 1161 - The first trout is launched into space by Russia onboard Stenchpotski 12.
- 1349 - Postmen all over England suffer the Sack Death.
- 1607 - Elizabeth I of England rises from the dead as a zombie, then dies again of a bad cold.
- 1899 - Nokia renames itself Bobcom.
- 1920 - Bobcom renames itself Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications.
- 1922 - Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications renames itself London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft.
- 1924 - London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft renames itself Nokia.
- 1925 - Nokia Phone Company renames itself Phil the lovable huggable drunkard, but then decides that it projects a negative image on their homeless phone subscribers, so they change back.
- 1943 - English and American pilots come to blows over the use of the word "roger".
- 1973 - Pfft is created and every word in the dictionary is thusforth removed for the rest of eternity. Except for one word. Pfft.
- 1983 - 34 Nazis decide to hold a square dance, which result in a whole new line of trousers being released.
- 1990 - Toasters take over the internets messaging services. Ovens are taken in for questioning.
- 2004 - Nokia renames itself NO CIA, and starts a nuclear war.
- 2011 - Saint Roger reappears in ghostly form and wins The X Factor but disappears before Simon Cowell can roger him over his recording deal.
- 2456 - Buck Rogers wonders why British time travellers snigger when he is introduced to them.
The history of the United Kingdom
The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.
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It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information, so did you know...
From Uncyclopedia's playwrights:
- ... that Alexander the Great would ride his horse in front of his troops before battle, so they would be so mad at having to march in horseshit they would be ready to fight anything and everything?
This Month's Wit
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many
months years to come!
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