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Today's Party Column


Today's Featured Article -

Recently featured: Costa Coffee

Yesterday's Featured Article - Costa Coffee

CostaTwins

Costa Coffee is a multinational coffee-house chain that operates over seven million coffee shops across 127 countries. Costa Coffee is famed for its motto, "A coffee for every mile," and rather less for its coffee. Costa Coffee's business strategy is to have a Costa Coffee shop "within view from anywhere in the UK."

The Costa Coffee website provides an insight into its history: After reading an article about dwindling coffee shops in London, twins Mildred and Mortimer Costa seized the business opportunity to start a coffee brand and began importing raw coffee from Peru. Their practice was simple; order one tonne of coffee per month, extract the coffee seeds from the fruit by hand and then roast it in their mother’s kitchen oven. Less than two years after importing their first tonne of coffee, the stump-fingered Costa twins founded ’’Costa’s Roasted Seeds’’ in London in 1971. After three years of roasting, the Costas finally managed to accrue enough money to open their first coffee shop in central London. Costa Coffee™ as we know it was born. Its doors opened in August 1974 and was an immediate success. By 1983 it had expanded its franchise to 35 other locations across London’s suburbs and had established its now-famous branding.

To dominate the burgeoning UK coffee market, Costa Coffee developed an ambitious business strategy in 2009, setting itself near-impossible targets to meet by 2025. Its primary goal is to open as many stores as it can over the next 20 years. Like a viral outbreak, it has spread across the UK and infected many major business and retail outlets.

Costa Coffee can be purchased from inside petrol stations, public toilets, super-markets, WH Smiths, Homebase, public toilets, high schools, national embassies, petrol stations, independent cobblers, and public toilets. Sub-units operate in a variety of different locations around the country including public toilets, international airports, bus stops, train stations, social khazis, and public toilets. Many of Costa’s smaller franchises rely on the Costa Insta-Machine, a self-service device found frequently in communal shitters.(more...)

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Our glorious history

July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan)

  • 3400 B.C. - Cave man punch woman. then laugh
  • 589 - King Arthur declares himself King of England after usingExcalibur to hit his woman
  • 657 - Battle of Siffin. Theys was Diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, Bitch?
  • 790 - The practice of "back handing" starts in Europe as a cure for the women talking. It has a success rate of 80%.
  • 810 - The practice of "back handing" ends in Europe as reports of excessive clean houses increases.
  • 1521 - Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
  • 1524 - Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
  • 1536 - King Henry VIII of England takes Punch Your Girlfriend day to new extremes, by killing two of his wives.
  • 1590 - Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
  • 1792 - The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while they were drunk singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. We take one down, pass it around, and 98 bottles of beer on the wall..."
  • 1812 - The War of 1812 starts as an 18 year old young British boy gets in a fist fight with a 12 year old American. The two nations get involved as they send reinforcements to help the children.
  • 1834 - The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases."
  • 1870 - The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
  • 1956 - Harry Belafonte impregnated by deadly black tarantula . Shari Belafonte born among bunch of bananas.
  • 1966 - Bloblobo, king of Bababa, knights, Bob the salesmen for his studies in the field of OhmygodIforgottochangemyboxersology.
  • 1974 - A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
  • 1988 - Reading in terror - Godzilla is born in the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
  • 1994 - O.J. Simpson takes "punch your girlfriend day" a step further.
  • 1997 - Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
  • 2000 - 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
  • 2007 - The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles, The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
  • 2008 - Max Mosley celebrates "punch your girlfriend day". Dressed as a Nazi prison guard.
  • 2089 - Chuck Norris punches girlfriend. Wakes dentist and long-deceased great-great-great-great grandfather Odysseus.
  • 3001 - Justin Bieber's preserved remains finally hit puberty.

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Today's hangul word is
procrastination
Use this word to awe your enemies.

Today in the DPRK

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Party members of the month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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