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Today's Featured Article - Supply-side Jesus

Jesus-salesman

Supply-Side Jesus is little-known outside of Republican circles, but his life has been chronicled recently by the biblical prophet Al Franken. It turns out that Supply-Side Jesus was a contemporary of that other Jesus, the Jesus of Nazareth. While this article is not about Jesus of Nazareth, but about the real, true, one and only Christ, the Supply-Side Jesus, we should allow Jesus of Nazareth at least a small footnote in this article. Jesus of Nazareth was, to those of you who don't know all these obscure Biblical references, and we'll just get this one out of the way: According to Edward S. Herman (an early scribe), Jesus of Nazareth was an early rabble-rouser of Communistic tendency, and the victim of an early witchhunt. It could even be asserted that he would be one of the first witches to ever be hunted. Jesus of Nazareth is often confused with Elvis Presley. While "Jesus's countenance was like lightning and his clothing white as snow" (Matt 28:3), Elvis had been seen on stage wearing snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. And the two were never seen in the same place at the same time, which makes the similarity even more creepy.

Both Jesii have had some connection to wood and nails. Supply-Side Jesus ran a hardware store that sold dry goods to local contractors and home renovators. Jesus of Nazareth was at that time not widely-known and frequented the establishment due to their unbeatably low prices and courteous service, while oblivious to the fact that much of the tools and dry goods he was buying were made in Byzantine sweatshops using child labour; and that those who worked under Supply-Side Jesus signed an agreement not to ever join a union. Supply-Side Jesus established himself as the kind of salesman who was able to sell sand to Bedouins. Indeed, once he succeeded, a typical Bedouin he might have sold it to would curse himself the next day for his stupidity. Said bedouin could not return his sand for a refund, since he would never be able to prove that the sand he purcahsed was any different from the sand in the surrounding desert. What was he thinking?

Supply-Side Jesus also sold clay and limestone to build houses that were not much different from the clay and limestone which littered the landscape in those days. Jesus of Nazareth would also buy twigs and branches to make the walls and thatched roofs of the houses in his contractual territory, which covered a sprawling Jerusalem suburb known as Bethlehem. (more...)

Recently featured: Supply-side Jesus

Yesterday's Featured Article - Plectrum

Plectrum

Long before the Internet, long before AIDS, a computer company that we shall not name ordered divisions from the United States and Great Britain to work together. The Brits used to bring their guitars to parties, but would not take them out and play until something called a plectrum was found. No, hell if I know. That's when we knew we didn't trust them.

It was so obvious. We'd been developing a programming language. Our English division had been developing an application package that was ideal to be written in it. We were wasting time with memos and phone calls to fit these two pieces together. So let's just move one department to the other's building, 2200 miles away, uh, 3500 kilometres. A few plane flights, personnel lines up some apartments--yes, flats, that's what I mean--and it's a piece of cake. And after this project, we'll have a multinational force uniquely able to solve other problems. More able, in fact, than management is to define them.

Now, who's the home team and who's the visitors? That part only took management six months. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Why?:Shoot the albatross, featured on 26 February 2014. See the featured version.
Somalia, featured on 26 February 2012. See the featured version.
Aristotle, featured on 26 February 2011. See the featured version.
California Highway Patrol, featured on 26 February 2010. See the featured version.

DID U KNOE...

Ku-klux-klan
  • ...that the Southern United States is well-known for its "southern hospitality"? (pictured)
  • ...that many diseases can be prevented by washing hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
  • ...that the butler did it?
  • ...that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
  • ...that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
  • ...that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?

In the news

ON DIS DAI...

Portrait

February 26: Famous Last Words day

  • 123 BC - "To the ASSHOLE!" - Alexander the Gay
  • 37 AD - "Wha..." -- Jesus, on cross
  • 433 - "...." -- John Cage
  • 666 - "Pity me." -- Satan (on Mr.T)
  • 777 - "AAA" - AAA
  • 1332 - "What's my name?" -- Anonymous , his only sentences that didn't yet quote !!!!!
  • 1881 - "Who is it , Who is it" -- Billy the Kid
  • 1900 - "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go." -- Oscar Wilde
  • 1900 - "As much as I hate him, Oscar is right. I would not want to change a thing." -- Mark Twain
  • 1920 - "It can't end like this. Tell them I said something." -- Pancho Villa is hit by history's most unfortunately-timed case of writer's block.
  • 1939 - "This is absurd ! This is absurd !" -- Sigmund Freud , after reading Waiting for Godot 1,111 times.
  • 1939 - "No! Mine are more absurd than this crap." -- Albert Camus , in reply to Sigmund (MotherF*cker) Freud refered that his works are more absurd.
  • 1939 - "Who care about absurdity , Hell are others." -- Jean Paul Sartre , in reply to Albert Camus
  • 1939 - "I am dying. Please...bring me a toothpick." -- Fred, after reading Waiting for Godot 99,999 times
  • 1939 - "See! This one is more absurd that you two !!" -- Jean Paul Sartre , awaken from his grave to make some last words and then sleep again.
  • 1945 - "Later, suckas!" -- Adolf Hitler, in his muthafuckin' bunker, yo.
  • 1945 - "Peace out, bitches!" -- Jozef Goebbels comin' at you live, also from A to the D to the Hizzle's concrete crib, yo.
  • 1955 - "Watah.......Wahtah" -- Helen Keller
  • 1960 - "Shaken , not St..." -- James BonBon, on being shaken to death by a bar owner before he can finish his Martini.
  • 1967 - "I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man." -- Che Guevara, where 'only going to kill a man' mean that he'll be later revived as zombie and sticker-tags.
  • 1989 - "Doh!" - Homer Simpson
  • 1999 - "Chuck Norris who?" - Some guy about to find out
  • 2000 - HOLD MY BEER WATCH THIS.... - Unknown
  • 1999 - "Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here." -- Nostradamus, his only one prediction that came true.
  • 2006 - "And this rope is of shitty quality!" -- Saddamn complaining his ass into his grave.
  • 2007 - "This is an Arrow!" -- Spartan Guy from Horrible movie
  • 2007 - "Snort..snort....snoooooorrrttttt!" - Some guy about to OD on Kitten Huffing.
  • 2008 - "Phdugy'dufc eibgs'ghib kuikhigihdmvgh's" -- Cthulhu
  • 2111 - "Hey Hey , My My... whatever, I'm going to die!!!" -- Neil Young
  • 2175 - "I'm dying...so that I'm not going to live anymore." -- Captain Obvious
  • 2175 - "Am I Dying? Really? What are "last words" anyway?" -- Captain Oblivious
  • 2345 - "What's this button do???" -- George W. Bush the 7th
  • 2456 - "WarniT!" -- Jesus Goffer
  • The End of Everything - "Sorry for the inconvenience" God
  • 1969-"This is one small step for HOLY...!"--Neil Armstrong
COLONIZASHUN OV TEH WEEK
For the glory of her majesty
HALP US CLEAR TEH IVY OV CRAP,
AN PLANT TEH SEEDZ OV HUMOR.

TODAIS FEATURD PICCHUR

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Gosh, Wikipedia is starting to get a little too big...

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RESENT ARTICLEZ

Speed Racer (rw) | Temporal paradox (rw) | UnBooks:Suffer the Little Children | She Blinded Me with Science | New meat from the writing competition: Supply-side Jesus | NBC | ENIAC | Raphael | Horace | Renewable energy | One Thousand and One Nights | Rembrandt | Relationships (images) | Hydrocarbon | Supply-side Jesus | Randy Travis | Wind (rw) | Charlie Hebdo | Christchurch (Dorset) | Invasive species (rw) | Horace Greeley | The Jackson 5 | The Cosby Show | Ido | Galla Placidia | Barf (rw) | Nirvana | Gensokyo | CHU | Star Trek: Enterprise | Rough Gay Wolf Sex (rw) | Darth Vader (rw)


MOAR RESENT ARTICLEZ | MOST WANTD PAGEZ | REQUESTD REWRITEZ | ADD 2 STUBS | LONELY PAGEZ | PEE REVIEW | TRY WRITIN BOUT... | STUCK ARTICLEZ NEEDIN PUSH | GREAT IDEAS

WRITR AN N00B OV TEH MONTH

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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