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Today's Featured Article - California


California is a huge proving ground of the United States of America on the Pacific Ocean. Although it has two Senators and hundreds of Reprehensibles in the U.S. House, it is not a state but an experimental mosh pit, where new social trends are refined before being unleashed on the nation. The current experiment is a full-body transfusion where a state's entire population is replaced by the population of Mexico.

What is now California was first settled by the Indians. Like eloping teenagers, the Indians came from somewhere else, but it seems they belong there and we don't. Over 70 distinct groups of Indians settled in the territory, where they developed Kachinka dolls, did rain dances, and hid from meteor showers. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring their shotguns, hot rods, and laptop computers, and they are now free to smoke-um peace-pipes and such on pristine reservations in the state's more barren regions.

The next arrivals were Spanish galleons. In 1565, a fleet called the Thrilla from Manila made unintended visits to California on their way back from somewhere else. In 1579, Francis Drake did better, not just visiting the region but going to the Land Office and filing a claim. Vizcaíno explored and mapped the area in 1602, and no one got the point, which is evident at every Town Planning Board: that every innocent "attempt to take accurate plots" is a plot to take over.

No one did, however, until Portolà explored in 1769. He never got anyone to help him with the backward accent over his name, but the Spaniards started setting up presidios, this long before they started turning up in movies. They also founded Los Angeles and San Jose, a place to make movies and a place to watch them, respectively. These were the first pueblos, though movie stars now shave them. San Jose became the "world's largest truck stop" long before the first tractor-trailer. (more...)

Recently featured: California

Yesterday's Featured Article - British ski jumpers

Eddie edwards3

The imperialist ambitions of the United Kingdom used to be expressed through colonisation of half of the known world and a complete exploitation of everything it had and it did not have to offer. Nowadays, this behaviour being virtually impossible due to the pressure from the part of the UN and NATO, the British decided to conquer the world of sports. Unfortunately, their plans are usually ruined by different countries, depending on what discipline Britain tries to compete in. In cricket the country is beaten by South Africa, in soccer by Italy and in ice hockey by most of the known countries, whether Northern or Southern. Such losses on multiple fronts have urged England to create several entirely new sports disciplines, which only the British would know how to compete at, notably "unsuccessful ski jumping". Unsuccessful ski jumping is roughly the same as the usual ski jumping with the only difference being the fact that British ski jumpers have, since the dawn of sports, been trained to fail. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Declaration of Gin-Dependence, featured on 2 December 2013. See the featured version.
UnNews:Town council takes 'steps' to tackle crime, featured on 2 December 2011. See the featured version.
UnPoetia:T.S. Elliot Is Dead, featured on 2 December 2010. See the featured version.

Idday ouyay owknay...

  • ...that I hear voices outside my room? (pictured)
  • ...that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
  • ...that the butler did it?
  • ...that really fat people cannot wash themselves but must avail of car washes late at night?
  • ...that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
  • ...that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ...that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?

In the news

Onay isthay ayday...


December 2: International Boring Nordic Culture Heritage Day

  • 6000 BC - Mankind born from the toil of an ice giant melting to the ocean. At least that's what Viking creationists say.
  • 432 - Thor gets arrested in Valhalla after being accused of destroying an orphanage while Drunk Chariot Driving. Embarrassed, the Nordic people begin converting to Christianity.
  • 793 - Vikings visit Lindisfarne Abbey in Northern England, bringing home a suspicious amount of souvenirs.
  • 900 - Erik the Red, a Viking explorer and real estate agent, discovers a big block of ice, utterly unsuitable for human life. He gives it the name 'Greenland' to attract customers.
  • 957 - A third Denmarks population dies victim of the mysterious axe in the head plague.
  • 966 - Vikings reach Constantinople, bringing home alabaster chess sets and cheap carpets as souvenirs.
  • 1000 - Explorer and murderer Leif Erikson discovers America, but realizes his mistake in time and lets Columbus and Vespucci have all the blame.
  • 1429 - Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, decides not to be, and disappeares immediately.
  • 1755 - Danish pastries are first introduced to non-Danes.
  • 1859 - Hans Christian Andersen writes The Emperor Is A Nudist, a beloved fairy tale.
  • 1916 - Europe at war. Swedes have an excellent game of bridge.
  • 1940 - Europe at war again. Swedes read a lot of good books.
  • 2010 - Bruce Willis is declared legally bald.
  • 2009 - God kills three (3) men, each named Jeff.

Oday'stay eaturedfay icturepay


You want surreal? Try wasting four hours a day waxing your 'stache until it closely resembles your entire Catalonian name. That's surreal.

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Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.

Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!


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